His "obsession" with other women keeps hurting me [updated 2016-10-23]

[hermitcrab]

Me and my bf have been together almost a year now, and we have had some great times together, he can make me laugh a lot and I can do the same for him (which is important to me in a relationship), but he has the habit of making insensitive comments about my appearance. The two main things he "jokes" about - my nose and my ears, but he also has made comments about my forehead being too big. I think my nose is normal, I've not had any bad comments about it before. My forehead is maybe slightly bigger than average but nothing too extreme. My ears I've had a problem with, I think they stick out slightly too much.. I used to not wear my hair up because I was insecure about them, but then said eff it I don't care. He's made several comments about how big my nose and ears are, then said he's just kidding/teasing. I recently showed him a picture of me when I was a kid.. and he's like "those ears haha.." he could see I was getting offended and was all "I love those big ears". Still was offended. Then we were watching a movie, and an animal in the movie had huge ears, he said "wow look at those big ears wtf" then is like "i love your ears though, I'm sure you can hear me just fine haha". and I immediately felt like ****, felt like replying with "I wish I couldn't".

 

He knows I have issues with my appearance, but he still makes these comments/jokes. I talked to him about how much it hurt me and he said he would work on stopping but I don't know if I should still even bother with being with him because it's ruining how I feel about how I look. I'm worried I can't trust him and I keep being disrespected, but I still love him so my feelings are mixed. What would any of you do if you were in my situation?

[smackie9]

Show him your anger to let him know it ain't no joke. He will quit it. If he doesn't stop, take a break from him to let him know his actions has consequences.

[BaileyB]

If you tell him that it really bothers you and he continues to do it, that's not good. It's very simple. Either he respects your wishes and does as you ask, or not.

 

It's not the fact that you are sensitive or that it's "just a little teasing about your appearance" that would be the reason I would think of ending it. If he's making you feel badly, you've asked him to stop, and he continues to do it... That lack of respect and consideration would be reason enough for me to say - I'm done. I don't date people who make me unhappy all the time.

Edited August 20, 2016 by BaileyB

[mikeylo]

If you tell someone that something about what they say or do bothers you and they continue to do it , it means they don't care. Not worth any effort.

 

But once you get emotionally invested, it hurts and you begin to give chances. You will reach a point of not caring anymore. That is when you will break

 

Also, him ' teasing' you is abusive. His own insecurities are showing up. When someone ' teases' you when they know it bothers you, it's turning into abuse.

Edited August 20, 2016 by mikeylo

[Gaeta]

I talked to him about how much it hurt me and he said he would work on stopping

 

He will work on stopping?? As if this was something extremely demanding like stop smoking! What you are asking of him is easy and demands no effort on his part. The only thing he has to do is shut his mouth.

 

To me that shows a lack of respect toward you. He is getting a kick out of hurting you. What does that say about him?

[Gaeta]

Here is what I found in your last thread about this boyfriend:

 

*he has a huge obsession with other women.

*He tells me about other girls he finds attractive

*He has a poster of a woman half naked up on his wall

*Has a half naked calendar of women up on his wall

*Has a rotating wallpaper on his computer with pretty close to porn images

*his most visited website was a cam girl website

 

Now add to this list he is mocking you for fun.

 

Like I said. He has no respect for you. There is nothing good that will come out of a relationship with this man.

 

Everything he does is destroying your self-worth bit by bit. Get out of this and go get yourself a good man. They exist you know! No woman has to put up with a clown like the one you are dating.

[BaileyB]

He's done! This is not a good guy.

[mikeylo]

After reading previous thread , you need to see for what it is.

 

1. He is a control freak.

2. He is an insecure boy ( note, not a man )

3. Not relationship material

4. Emotional abuser

5. Attention seeker

 

The list is long. In short, run and run fast. Don't turn back.

 

On the good side , if you've survived a few months without losing your confidence in yourself , you have good balanced self esteem and worth. Obviously emotionally strong and secure in yourself. Let's just say, you are completely opposite of what he is.

[mikeylo]

Did this guy go to a decent school and receive proper education? How is his family ? Did his parents have a good relationship? With themselves and or with him?

 

This guy has issues. That too, huge ones. He doesn't know what a relationship is and how it should be.

 

He will always hurt you emotionally.

[winny]

I don't know.... I find his comments actually funny...

How you deal with him is by giving him a dose of his own medicine.

 

Eg -

 

Him - Wow your ears are so big..!!

You - I know right... I think I should reach out to the Guinness book of world records... and be famous!!! Ha ha ha... but you know what... you should also contact them about your small hands... those are like the smallest hands I have seen on any guy... I am surprised you can even hold a plate properly <or anything about him that you find weird and just laugh at him if he makes a face... say... Oh but I love those small hands...ha ha ha>

 

Every time he makes a joke about anything about you... turn it back at him... make fun of him, his ways... He will back off after a while...

If he gets too angry you can even say - Wow what happened to your sense of humor!!! Cant take a joke on yourself...

[thecrucible]

I would encourage you to figure out what your limits are and discuss them with your boyfriend. You should be as specific as possible. Ask him if he would be all right if you were doing the same thing. My guess is, he can separate fantasy from reality easier than you can.

 

This will work if the boyfriend is a reasonable person. But you do get guys who show total disrespect and try it on to see what they can get away with - the type of guys who have low empathy levels. If it's the case, it's more the boyfriend making the woman have low self-esteem than the woman reacting to situation in this way because of her self-esteem level.

 

It's utterly disrespectful to flaunt interest in other women when you are in a relationship with a woman and should be treating her in a loving way. It's one thing to keep thoughts in your head; another to throw them in her face. Some guys will get angry if you give them a taste of their own medicine but still fail to empathise.

[Gloria25]

To be honest, I have a hard time connecting with people, so when I do, I appreciate them and don't want to just rid them from my life. I'm introverted and have a social anxiety problem, I feel like I'm lucky to be able to get anyone to date me.

 

I need a pet and all the pet store has is alligators so hey, an alligator can be trained to purrrr like a cat?

 

There's a sayin' I heard in a Spanish song, the translation is 'I rather be alone than be in bad company'.

 

Look at the pain this guy is causing you. Is being alone worse? At least if you're alone you're open and available to meet someone else.

 

Oh and he's 26? ***pfft*** You got an immature boy on your hands and a rude one too. NEXT.

 

And after you liberated him to have all the time he wants witg girly mags, cams, and floozies, time to seek some therapy about yourself and improve yourself so you'll feel worthy a decent guy.

 

My fav podcaster asks some women, 'You think you're fat, stupid, ugly, or unlovable'. It's a harsh question, but necessary to find out why one would put up with such a king of boucedags.

[Gloria25]

Oh, and "addicted"?

 

Ok, take away the girly mags, porn, and see if he dies. I think not. Heroin is an addiction. It changes the chemistry in your brain. Try to stop taking it and you'll have diarrhea, shakes, etc. I'm sure without his girly mags and porn he'll survive.

 

Don't mistake a lack of character for an illness and/or an addiction. Some people are just bad. Shoot, even Heroin and Cracj addicts can kick the habit...it boils down to willpower. He's not gonna give up being what he is cuz he likes it. Plain and simple. Breasts and thongs are hot. Female attention is exciting. Some people prefer variety in their life - even when it comes to vagina or penis.

[Zapbasket]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/233040-handling-teasing

 

I feel the best response I can give you is a link to my thread, above, on the exact same topic that you post about here. It's from six years ago. I made excuse after excuse for this guy, for 3.5 years, and when I look back at this thread, the interpretations of what his behavior represented, and the strong advice that I break up with the guy, were exactly right.

 

You ask what you should do. Respect yourself, and let go of anyone who makes you feel bad even after you've told them how their behavior affects you. Believe you deserve much better, because you do.

[mrs rubble]

Tell him, again, whenever he mentions other women that way (as in ****ing them or whatever) that you feel disrespected when he says that.

 

Or you can do what I did with my ex. She use to look at other guys, call them handsome, sometimes even flirt right in front of me and then denial. We had several fights about that, until the day I noticed that fighting with her wouldn't get me anywhere, so I started to do the same: looking, flirting, talking about other girls and her reaction was: jealousy!

 

Whenever I saw a hot woman, I would really look at them, sometimes I would comment. Sometimes she would be like "wow, can you stop looking?". Eventually I stopped and so did her. Guess she realized it hurts to do that.

 

I did exactly the same with one of my ex's,and it worked exactly like it did for you! He used to make comments about other women, so I started noticing other men and making comments. He soon stopped, he didn't like it one little bit.

[Gloria25]

This is the same self-proclaimed king of boucedags, 26yr old boy in the body of a donkey that has the girly mags?

 

If so, why would you give this douche nozzle any time of day?

 

You know what, if I were you I'd tell him that he's right and he deserves so much better. Then, leave him and never look back.

 

And, like I said in your other thread, please seek some therapy. I've seen really ugly, overweight, stupid and/or undesirable woman not put up with half the crap this douche nozzle has put you through.

[callingyouuu]

There's a concept in pick-up called negging, where a person teases someone else with the express purpose of trying to raise their own value in the relationship. I suspect he can't stop because otherwise he'd feel insecure.

 

You honestly don't have to put up with it.

[leogirl876]

Dump him!!! He doesn't respect you and saying mean things and saying it's kidding, is not funny! He's not going to stop, he'll keep getting worse. I had a boyfriend like that and he never stopped, he only got worse the longer we dated.

[Gloria25]

Why don't you turn the tables on him?

 

I mean, he finds so much about you to complain about yet he's with you, then gosh, what does that say about him? Ask him already. Ask him why he's with you if you got so much that he has to talk about?

[Mystique01]

Girl RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit away from this guy.

 

He sounds controlling and like an undercover jerk.

 

If what others are saying true, I don't see anything appealing about this bf of yours. He sounds insensitive....and insecure.

 

This guy will only get MORE emotionally abusive. Usually disrespect from ppl gets worse, not better one they find out they can get away with it. You need to dump him pronto. He will only end up making you feel bad about yourself and damage your self esteem.

 

Get out NOW while your esteem is still in tact.

[elaine567]

To be honest, I have a hard time connecting with people, so when I do, I appreciate them and don't want to just rid them from my life. I'm introverted and have a social anxiety problem, I feel like I'm lucky to be able to get anyone to date me.

 

^^^this^^^ is the real problem here.

Until you have the strength to cut this jerk out of your life for good, you will always feel like crap and you will always need therapy to sort out what HE will do to your head.

 

He disrespects you to make him feel better about himself, so your chances of getting him to stop it are about nil.

 

Is he still paying for webcam sex?

[hermitcrab]

Thank you for the replies everyone. I see some people remembered my old thread. I've hardly talked to him the past few days, I told him I've been depressed so I'm sorry if I seem distant for a bit (not a lie at all, I just left out that I need time to reevaluate our relationship). He just said he's there for me when I need him, which was nice, but I'm still upset over his comments and a lot of the stuff in our relationship.

 

I'm bad at breaking up, and am easily swayed to change my decision of breaking up if the person begs me to stay or says a bunch of sweet things. I'm not sure the best way to do this. I'm tempted to just block him from everything and not say a word, but would that really be right? I also don't want to make him super mad, and risk him leaking any personal videos/pictures I sent him over the course of our relationship. I'm nervous about a lot of things breaking up.

[coolheadal]

You are who you are! If he can't accept you for who you are now then it's time for you to say GOODBYE!

[BaileyB]

No, you need to tell him. Be strong, it's the right thing to do.

 

And dare I say it, this is why people should never send pictures or videos. That is not good... Learn from this.

 

He probably will try to say something nice to get you to change your mind. I would like to say give him the benefit of the doubt, but based on the information you have shared... I think you are better without him. Take care.

[Zapbasket]

Thank you for the replies everyone. I see some people remembered my old thread. I've hardly talked to him the past few days, I told him I've been depressed so I'm sorry if I seem distant for a bit (not a lie at all, I just left out that I need time to reevaluate our relationship). He just said he's there for me when I need him, which was nice, but I'm still upset over his comments and a lot of the stuff in our relationship.

 

I'm bad at breaking up, and am easily swayed to change my decision of breaking up if the person begs me to stay or says a bunch of sweet things. I'm not sure the best way to do this. I'm tempted to just block him from everything and not say a word, but would that really be right? I also don't want to make him super mad, and risk him leaking any personal videos/pictures I sent him over the course of our relationship. I'm nervous about a lot of things breaking up.

 

Believe me, I understand how you feel, better than I could ever say.

 

You are absolutely RIGHT to end this relationship. Ending the relationship isn't a statement that you think this person is a bad guy, but rather a statement that YOU respect yourself too much to tolerate behavior or a situation that consistently makes you feel bad. Really, it's not about him at all. It's about you. You WANTED to be in a relationship with him, but his behavior has made that impossible for you.

 

If you stick to that story, not only will it perhaps keep you strong so that you can end this, but it also will make the break-up seem less "hostile." Look, he KNOWS he has been treating you like crap. The difference between a healthy partner who is being insensitive and an unhealthy partner is that the healthy partner will take immediate steps to stop or minimize their insensitivity as soon as you tell them how it hurts you, whereas the unhealthy partner will continue the behavior because consciously or unconsciously, the entire POINT is to undercut you. Your soon-to-be-ex-bf is an example of this kind of unhealthy partner.

 

As a friend said to me recently, "Broken people break people." By tearing others down, broken people can justify their brokenness to themselves. They feel badly about themselves, and rather than go through the hard work of addressing that, they soothe themselves by undercutting others. They have to be fairly subtle about it, and have to deny it or try to turn it around on the person as being THEIR fault, otherwise they'd not be able to continue doing it. And they MUST continue with it because otherwise they'd have to face themselves, and all their self-loathing and feelings of inadequacy, and for many it's simply too painful ever to go there. People who get off on putting others down are very, very emotionally weak people. You can only feel sorry for them.

 

BUT: while it is good to have compassion for those who are weak, always reserve the highest level of compassion for YOURSELF. You can feel sorry for someone without having to tolerate or even be around their negative behavior. By breaking up with this guy, you are NOT being a jerk. You are regretfully forced to walk away because HE was the jerk. And believe me, deep down he already knows that. He'll never admit it to you, but he knows. People like him know what they're doing; they hope to chop someone down so much that they won't be able to call them out on it. By you refusing to be cut down, you're altering the script. They don't know what to do. I doubt he'll leak your photos and such, because to do so will make HIM look bad, and make YOU look like the smart one for leaving. People like this care very much about what others think. So you're probably safe.

 

You can do this! Stay strong.

Edited August 21, 2016 by GreenCove