His "obsession" with other women keeps hurting me [updated 2016-10-23]

[vanhalenfan]

A joke, in my opinion...but I always say there is at least a small amount of truth in every joke. Just my 2 cents.

[Dis]

I wonder if it was a Freudian slip..?

 

I'm inclined to agree with this

 

One night my ex and I were watching a show and the topic of cheating came up. I asked him while he was watching the show, "If you cheated on me, would you tell me?"

 

He immediately said, "No." It just flew out of his mouth

 

After I broke up with him I found out he was cheating

 

The truth comes out at the most random moments sometimes

[crederer]

He thinks you're cheating and wanted to see your reaction. IMO

[smackie9]

I'm an idiot, I know. Stupidly in love with him. I don't have much self respect or love for myself anyway.

Well this is why he is finding it entertaining to see you wiggle in your seat. It's abusive and you should get out of this relationship.

**His sweet talk is just emotional manipulation, and he knows how easily you fall for it. AND YOU KNOW THIS!

 

There is a reason why you are on the edge of breaking up with him...it's the right thing to do.

[hermitcrab]

So, I do know my boyfriend loves me. We have been together over a year and had good times and bad.

 

The ongoing issue in our relationship is him commenting on how hot or pretty other women are. He also says im hot and pretty, but it still bothers me. I've told him I don't like it but he keeps at it. Its gone from talking about hot girls on tv to talking about girls at the bar he works at to flirting with them in front of me.

 

He recently drunkenly asked a girl if she would milk his dick at a party while in front of me, which she replied yes. Nothing happened though, and he said it was just a stupid joke.

 

I know he cares and loves me, he's cried many times over upsetting me.. But I feel like him not stopping this makes it so I can't fully enjoy our relationship, no matter how many times we make each other laugh and have fun and him being nice to my family, it doesn't feel like enough.

 

I feel like I really really want a relationship where someone keeps their comments about women to themselves.. But is that even attainable? My ex commented a lot on other women as well, which is what drive us apart. My therapist says I will keep attracting men who bring out my insecurities like this, until I finally get over my insecurities. He thinks running away from this relationship would be running away from my insecurities, do you guys think there is truth to this?

Edited October 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[h0000]

Those comments are unattractive even for an secure woman. If you are insecure it is just worse.

It is an issue of respect, rather than insecurity.

If he really loves you, why is it so hard for him to stop saying disrespectful things? It is such an easy thing to stop doing, Unless he is mentally challenged.

[JewelD]

Hell no, get a new therapist. Why would you ever consider being with someone who would say something like that to another woman in front of you?

 

It's not about insecurity, that's just plain disrespectful.

[hermitcrab]

He said he just has a habit of talking before thinking.

I want to add last week I told him things were getting to be too much and it would be good if we took a week break from our relationship. He was deeply hurt and against it but agreed because he saw I was hurting (i turned to self injuring to cope with some things he has said not just to/about women but negative things about my appearance). He made a bad joke about my scars which made me feel a break was good and possibly a break up from there. 4 days into that he messages me saying he misses me so much and I deserve to be treated well and he wants to be a better boyfriend. So, I decided to give him another chance to change. But this week, he is back to flirting and talking about how pretty this girl at the bar is. Feels like nothing's stopping.

[hippychick3]

He is completely disrespectful to you. I have never been with any man who called other women "hot" in front of me. The things that he has said to other women is unforgivable. That would be a deal breaker for me. Don't think for one second that all men are like that.

[JewelD]

He said he just has a habit of talking before thinking.

I want to add last week I told him things were getting to be too much and it would be good if we took a week break from our relationship. He was deeply hurt and against it but agreed because he saw I was hurting (i turned to self injuring to cope with some things he has said not just to/about women but negative things about my appearance). He made a bad joke about my scars which made me feel a break was good and possibly a break up from there. 4 days into that he messages me saying he misses me so much and I deserve to be treated well and he wants to be a better boyfriend. So, I decided to give him another chance to change. But this week, he is back to flirting and talking about how pretty this girl at the bar is. Feels like nothing's stopping.

 

If you're self-harming, you really need to seek professional help and definitely not date this guy. Or any guy while you're in this state of mind.

[BeingMonika]

Hell no, get a new therapist. Why would you ever consider being with someone who would say something like that to another woman in front of you?

 

It's not about insecurity, that's just plain disrespectful.

 

This!

 

Is your therapist a man? You need a female therapist. How is that advice for someone that is insecure? That's non-advice advice wtf ... I'm upset you paid for this.

 

You need to dump him. He doesn't love you. If he did he wouldn't do things to make you feel insecure. It's nothing wrong with him finding another woman attractive, but I don't want to hear it all the time especially if that's an insecurity.

 

Yes, you do need to work on your insecurity, but it takes time.

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh, honey...HALE no.

 

Your boyfriend is gross and disrespectful. I don't know what your definition of love is, but I think you need to seriously re-evaluate what you believe a loving relationship should look like. Your boyfriends actions are not loving, whatsoever.

 

This isn't about being insecure. It's about your boyfriend being a jerk. Period.

 

I would drop any men who spoke that way to other women, much less in front of me! Can you imagine what would have happened if you weren't there when he invited a woman to "milk" him? Ugh. He's bad news, OP.

[Raena]

Sounds to me like you need a new therapist and a new boyfriend.

 

You may be drawn to a certain type of men who exhibit similar characteristics but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate downright disgusting behavior because of it... or even blame yourself for his choices. That's basically what the therapist said to you.... that it's your fault you attract this kind of man who treats you this way because you are insecure about it. That's a load of crap.

 

Sure, you need to work on your insecurities but the man you are with isn't the right kind of guy for you. He sounds like a pig. What man in his right mind would sit there telling his girlfriend that other women he knows are hot or ask them to milk his dick in front of you. That's just disgusting.

 

I am concerned with your self-harm behavior though. You shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone until you have worked through all of that and figured out better coping skills. Being with the man you are with is just going to feed into your negative self-image. Get rid of him, there are much nicer people out there who won't add to your self-esteem issues.

[mikeylo]

I've read and commented on your similar posts before. Nothing has changed. Your therapist is a clone of your bf.

 

Does you bf even have a dick ? He is that insecure. It has nothing to do with you. The women who indulge him are also as insecure,gross, indecent , disgusting and filthy , as he is.

[elaine567]

Is he still visiting his web cam girls? Does he still have the pics of naked women on his wall and porn as his screen-saver?

Being with a guy like that would make even the most secure woman feel insecure.

 

If you dumped him, I guess your need for a therapist would be mightily reduced.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/586827-his-obsession-other-women-keeps-hurting-me

[Zahara]

So, I decided to give him another chance to change. But this week, he is back to flirting and talking about how pretty this girl at the bar is. Feels like nothing's stopping.

 

Every month you create a thread about his douchebaggery behavior. Change comes from you -- that would mean finding your self-respect and leaving.

 

Yes, it won't stop. Why -- because you're a doormat who has taught him that you will tolerate poor treatment just to be with him.

 

And find another therapist.

[stillafool]

He said he just has a habit of talking before thinking.

I want to add last week I told him things were getting to be too much and it would be good if we took a week break from our relationship. He was deeply hurt and against it but agreed because he saw I was hurting (i turned to self injuring to cope with some things he has said not just to/about women but negative things about my appearance). He made a bad joke about my scars which made me feel a break was good and possibly a break up from there. 4 days into that he messages me saying he misses me so much and I deserve to be treated well and he wants to be a better boyfriend. So, I decided to give him another chance to change. But this week, he is back to flirting and talking about how pretty this girl at the bar is. Feels like nothing's stopping.

 

So leave him for good this time. He will never change.

[darkmoon]

he is a joker, he would stop so quick rather than antagonise a dangerous opponent

 

he is twisted in his humour, not long-term material - you need a team player for that

[hermitcrab]

Is he still visiting his web cam girls? Does he still have the pics of naked women on his wall and porn as his screen-saver?

Being with a guy like that would make even the most secure woman feel insecure.

 

If you dumped him, I guess your need for a therapist would be mightily reduced.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/586827-his-obsession-other-women-keeps-hurting-me

 

Actually, I recently was using his new ipad, and I saw the most visited website was that same cam site from a while back he knew I didn't like. I broke up with him. Everything got to be too much, and adding that site back in the mix made it worse. It's over for good, I told him I can't trust him. I feel sad, but a weight lifted as well. He can't make me feel like this anymore.

[elaine567]

It's over for good, I told him I can't trust him. I feel sad, but a weight lifted as well. He can't make me feel like this anymore.

 

I am so glad to hear that.

Well done you!

[hermitcrab]

I am so glad to hear that.

Well done you!

 

Thank you. I realize I let this go on too long and probably annoyed people with my many threads. Should have broke up with him sooner. I learned a lot from this relationship though. One being I cannot settle, no matter how low my self esteem is.

[Zapbasket]

My therapist says I will keep attracting men who bring out my insecurities like this, until I finally get over my insecurities. He thinks running away from this relationship would be running away from my insecurities, do you guys think there is truth to this?

 

Your therapist is an idiot. Yes, it is a common pattern that until we accept and love ourselves for the most part, we will attract people who reinforce our worse insecurities about ourselves. But the reason this happens is that when we don't love ourselves enough, we don't uphold the appropriate boundaries that will keep these unhealthy would-be partners away from us. So your therapist's suggestion that you should use this relationship to overcome your insecurities is incredibly dumb; I can only hope that perhaps you misunderstood his meaning.

 

What your therapist SHOULD advocate is that yes, you use this relationship to start practicing better boundaries and self-love, BY GETTING THE HELL OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP!

 

This was clear two months ago and it's even more clear now. I promise you that if you stay in this relationship, your boyfriend will grow discontented with you and toss you to the curb like nothing. He treats you as he does because he intensely dislikes himself. Only people who don't like themselves attempt to build themselves up by putting others down. You are his whipping post and eventually you will be merely the mirror of his own inadequacies and he will throw away the mirror rather than work on himself. Mark my words.

 

Get out now. Do whatever you have to do to make this happen, and don't buy any of his sweet talk. If he wanted to change his behavior, he would. He doesn't change it because he's getting something out of it, the "high" of feeling "above" someone whose self-esteem he can keep crushing under his foot. This guy is WORTHLESS. You must leave, and then put yourself on a rigorous program of improving your self-esteem.

[Zapbasket]

Actually, I recently was using his new ipad, and I saw the most visited website was that same cam site from a while back he knew I didn't like. I broke up with him. Everything got to be too much, and adding that site back in the mix made it worse. It's over for good, I told him I can't trust him. I feel sad, but a weight lifted as well. He can't make me feel like this anymore.

 

I posted my previous post before I saw this. Good on you!

 

I know it feels bad, and you will probably hit periods when you doubt your decision, but trust us, THIS IS THE RIGHT DECISION.

 

You should feel very proud of yourself for taking this action. Seriously. Go do something really nice for yourself today, even something small. Go you!!!

[Space Ritual]

He recently drunkenly asked a girl if she would milk his dick at a party while in front of me, which she replied yes. Nothing happened though, and he said it was just a stupid joke.

 

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa,

 

Why isn't your foot up his ass so far he can taste your shoelaces?

 

I actually take back what I said last month about him having a poor attempt at humor, and I am sorry for that.

 

That is not a joke at all, that is grounds for dumping. If I were I'd have told him he could go milk himself. lol.

 

Now THAT's a horrid visual but it would be appropriate in that instance...

[Space Ritual]

Actually, I recently was using his new ipad, and I saw the most visited website was that same cam site from a while back he knew I didn't like. I broke up with him. Everything got to be too much, and adding that site back in the mix made it worse. It's over for good, I told him I can't trust him. I feel sad, but a weight lifted as well. He can't make me feel like this anymore.

 

 

 

Good for you, you deserve to be treated with dignity, not like that schlub treated you.