His "obsession" with other women keeps hurting me [updated 2016-10-23]

[mikeylo]

Believe me, I understand how you feel, better than I could ever say.

 

You are absolutely RIGHT to end this relationship. Ending the relationship isn't a statement that you think this person is a bad guy, but rather a statement that YOU respect yourself too much to tolerate behavior or a situation that consistently makes you feel bad. Really, it's not about him at all. It's about you. You WANTED to be in a relationship with him, but his behavior has made that impossible for you.

 

If you stick to that story, not only will it perhaps keep you strong so that you can end this, but it also will make the break-up seem less "hostile." Look, he KNOWS he has been treating you like crap. The difference between a healthy partner who is being insensitive and an unhealthy partner is that the healthy partner will take immediate steps to stop or minimize their insensitivity as soon as you tell them how it hurts you, whereas the unhealthy partner will continue the behavior because consciously or unconsciously, the entire POINT is to undercut you. Your soon-to-be-ex-bf is an example of this kind of unhealthy partner.

 

As a friend said to me recently, "Broken people break people." By tearing others down, broken people can justify their brokenness to themselves. They feel badly about themselves, and rather than go through the hard work of addressing that, they soothe themselves by undercutting others. They have to be fairly subtle about it, and have to deny it or try to turn it around on the person as being THEIR fault, otherwise they'd not be able to continue doing it. And they MUST continue with it because otherwise they'd have to face themselves, and all their self-loathing and feelings of inadequacy, and for many it's simply too painful ever to go there. People who get off on putting others down are very, very emotionally weak people. You can only feel sorry for them.

 

BUT: while it is good to have compassion for those who are weak, always reserve the highest level of compassion for YOURSELF. You can feel sorry for someone without having to tolerate or even be around their negative behavior. By breaking up with this guy, you are NOT being a jerk. You are regretfully forced to walk away because HE was the jerk. And believe me, deep down he already knows that. He'll never admit it to you, but he knows. People like him know what they're doing; they hope to chop someone down so much that they won't be able to call them out on it. By you refusing to be cut down, you're altering the script. They don't know what to do. I doubt he'll leak your photos and such, because to do so will make HIM look bad, and make YOU look like the smart one for leaving. People like this care very much about what others think. So you're probably safe.

 

You can do this! Stay strong.

 

Well said !

 

OP, even if he did a complete U turn ( impossible but assuming best ), how are these experiences with him going to go away? Will you forget how he made you feel? How is he going to undo them? You will never feel safe with your feelings with him.

 

He is damaged and as a result has damaged 'relationship' with you.There is nothing to hold onto.

[Zapbasket]

Lessons Learned in Life | Avoid people who:

 

The above advice just popped up on a website I follow. I thought it might give you a boost and a sense you are HEADING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

 

What Mikeylo just said above is spot-on. Don't hold on hoping he will change. Even if he wanted to from the bottom of his heart, the kind of change that is necessary will only come about after months, maybe years of hard work on his part. You staying by his side to "help" him through that work isn't like staying by a partner's side through a terrible physical illness. In the case of an "illness" like this, the best support you can provide is to let him go with love, and then turn all that love toward yourself to reach for the life and the love that you deserve.

[BaileyB]

the best support you can provide is to let him go with love, and then turn all that love toward yourself to reach for the life and the love that you deserve.

 

Excellent advice above. And, I love this statement. Best wishes.

[deep_night]

is he autistic? if not he's a douche

 

he shouldnt be saying this kind of things to you, you're his girlfriend for gods shake! you deserve a guy who thinks you are adorable and would be devastated if you ever changed a thing about your appearance. i know it wouldnt be the same for me if my guy's face lines were suddenly erased and his hair grew all back. im not even kidding.

 

but yeah, ive had some similar experiences. i didnt breakup for this reason, but with time i just fell out of love.

 

i'd go ahead and tell him that i wont settle for someone like him and that i hope he grows the balls to get a girlfriend he actually likes.

[Hoosfoos]

Your partner should be building you up, not chipping away at your self esteem.

[Grapesofwrath]

Thank you for the replies everyone. I see some people remembered my old thread. I've hardly talked to him the past few days, I told him I've been depressed so I'm sorry if I seem distant for a bit (not a lie at all, I just left out that I need time to reevaluate our relationship). He just said he's there for me when I need him, which was nice, but I'm still upset over his comments and a lot of the stuff in our relationship.

 

I'm bad at breaking up, and am easily swayed to change my decision of breaking up if the person begs me to stay or says a bunch of sweet things. I'm not sure the best way to do this. I'm tempted to just block him from everything and not say a word, but would that really be right? I also don't want to make him super mad, and risk him leaking any personal videos/pictures I sent him over the course of our relationship. I'm nervous about a lot of things breaking up.

 

Few people are good at breaking up. Especially if you are conflict-avoidant. Then it's darn near impossible. Learning how to end a relationship cleanly and with kindness is a skill that one acquires with practice. Try to view this as an opportunity to hone that skill.

 

We get into relationships as a way to learn more about people and decide if they would make good life partners for us. Most times, the relationship ends at some point and that's fine. Your relationship has reached its end. You have learned that he is not a good life partner for you. No one is a "bad person," you are just incompatible.

 

I've dated dudes who "teased" me like this and when I called them on it, they told me I was "too sensitive." Baloney. They were insecure and needed to feel "one-up" on me by subtly and not-so-subtly putting me down. It doesn't stop. Best to move on.

[bachdude]

Hi Hermitcrab

 

I also remember your other thread about your boyfriend and I even made a comment on it that he is incredibly disrespectful.

 

What he is doing, either consciously or subconsciously, is tearing you down, piece by piece. Think about this, he puts pics of half naked women all over the place where you can see them. He points out women to you he finds hot. He has live cam porn shows with other women.

 

In contrast he pokes fun at your looks, even making fun of aspects of your appearance he knows you have been insecure about.

 

Do you see what he is doing? Indirectly and directly he is chipping away at your self confidence. And knowing it bothers you only encourages him because he gets some sort of sick pleasure out of it.

 

You know, when I have been in love with a woman, I also love her physical quirks. They always seem perfect to me because it's part of what makes her who she is. It's what distinguishes her from all the other women out there.

 

Wouldn't you rather be with a guy who builds you up and tells you what he loves about you; your personality, and looks and treats respectfully? It must sound kind of nice after what you are going through now.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I've read many of the posts and I have these things to say...

 

1. DUMP HIM!

2. There is NOTHING sub-conscious about his behavior. He has to know, on a conscious level, that he is insulting you! There is nothing for him to work on. He is consciously making fun of you!

3. WHY? He is an inconsiderate jerk! A bully!

[hermitcrab]

Honestly me and my bf have been having issues for a while. I was on the verge of breaking up with him a few weeks ago, but he started sweet talking me again (yeah, that's my weakness), and decided to give him another chance to prove himself he can treat me well.

 

Forgive me, I've never heard this "joke" if that's what it is and don't know if it's common for guys to make this joke but not mean it? Can anyone let me know?

 

It went like this - he was playing a video game, just me and him, and got stuck. He said "alright, i'm going to cheat and look up how to do this" and then follows with "i hate cheating, unless it's on my girl". He then said "i don't know why i said that, i'm sorry. i'll never cheat on you or want to. it's just the first thing that popped into my head".

 

I began to wonder, if that's the first thing that popped into his head, could there be some truth to this? I've felt down ever since he said this. Is it really just a stupid joke?

[h0000]

Sounds like a joke to me

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like a poor attempt at humour. I am guessing he realized only after he said it that it was in poor taste.

 

But to give some context, can I ask what sort of issues you have been having and why you nearly broke up with him?

[basil67]

His brain briefly turned to neanderthal mode, but he recovered quickly. Most of us have said dumb stuff from time to time with no idea where it came from.

[elaine567]

 

But to give some context, can I ask what sort of issues you have been having and why you nearly broke up with him?

 

Just his obsession with other women and his habit of saying insensitive things to hermitcrab that hurt her and make her feel like crap...

[LostOnes05]

Sounds like a joke...and I'm guessing by the facial expression that you probably made, he realized you didn't take it as such.

[hermitcrab]

It sounds like a poor attempt at humour. I am guessing he realized only after he said it that it was in poor taste.

 

But to give some context, can I ask what sort of issues you have been having and why you nearly broke up with him?

 

I've made a few other threads on here with my other problems with him if you're bored enough to read.

I've been having issues with him talking about how attractive other women are to me, flirting, going on live cam sites, and making jokes about my appearance.

I hope his main problem is insensitivity, and he's not really cheating. I guess I'm just paranoid.

[Zahara]

I think he likes f*** with your mind and I think he likes putting you down and making you feel inadequate. I read your past threads. So, he has an obsession for other women and he makes fun of you ears, your nose, your forehead and who knows what else. Why do you put up with this? I think he knows what he's saying and doing.

[Zahara]

I've made a few other threads on here with my other problems with him if you're bored enough to read.

I've been having issues with him talking about how attractive other women are to me, flirting, going on live cam sites, and making jokes about my appearance.

I hope his main problem is insensitivity, and he's not really cheating. I guess I'm just paranoid.

 

So only cheating warrants kicking him to the curb? The rest you'll just stomach and allow to tear at your self-respect and self-esteem?

[Dis]

This is far from the first thread you've made about your bf

 

Why are you still with this guy again?

 

I think you should stop sitting on your hands, allowing him to treat you poorly (while complaining about it) and put your big girl pants on and leave

 

I know what I'm saying is harsh but you need to hear it hun

 

We are treated how we ALLOW others to treat us...by staying you're telling him its ok to disrespect you

 

I think its time to send a different message and get out of dodge

[hermitcrab]

So only cheating warrants kicking him to the curb? The rest you'll just stomach and allow to tear at your self-respect and self-esteem?

 

I'm an idiot, I know. Stupidly in love with him. I don't have much self respect or love for myself anyway.

[Zahara]

I'm an idiot, I know. Stupidly in love with him. I don't have much self respect or love for myself anyway.

 

You're not in love with him. You're dependent on him. Having him in your corner adds worth to your life because you see none in yourself. This isn't about love. It's co-dependence. Don't confuse an unhealthy attachment with love. Love doesn't entail tolerating insults and pain.

 

Maybe time to do something about it -- you can't always be clinging to men that tear you down because you don't love yourself?

[h0000]

I'm an idiot,I don't have much self respect or love for myself anyway.

 

And sounds like you are perfectly ok with it

[Lois_Griffin]

I've made a few other threads on here with my other problems with him if you're bored enough to read.

I've been having issues with him talking about how attractive other women are to me, flirting, going on live cam sites, and making jokes about my appearance.

I hope his main problem is insensitivity, and he's not really cheating. I guess I'm just paranoid.

Yeah, you must just be 'paranoid.'

 

May I assume that sand buried all around your head and ears is nice and warm, so that's where you're going to keep it?

[Space Ritual]

Poor Humor is my vote.

 

I ought to know...I am a master of poor humor. Just look a some of my posts:)

[gorf]

Guys say stupid things sometimes. I know, I am one.

 

He probably feels like he trusts you and you trust him so much that he felt comfortable with such a joke. Then remembered that women analyze the hell out of things and took it back.

 

Just a stupid joke, I would accept his apology on this one.

[Gr8fuln2020]

To be honest, you know him better than any of us, so our conclusions will only bear so much weight. He "could" have been joking or not. This could have been a brain fart or not.

 

My question is WHY WOULD SUCH WORDS COME OUT AT ALL???!!!! I mean, why make ANY comment??? This is one of those seemingly random things that suspiciously sounds premeditated. Contrived.

 

Again, you know him better than any one here. Is this type of joking typical? Or blurting out, vocalizing insensitive things?