Is he cheating emotionally with a girl he claims as a friend?

[Aelin]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and have been living together for a little over a year now.

A few months ago I opened his phone to put on his alarm for him as he had passed out and forgotten. When I opened the phone it was an open text conversation. Normally I would have just gone to the home screen but I saw a heart and kissing face emoji he had sent. I looked at the name and it was some girl I didn't recognize. Please note that I did not go on his phone intending to spy on him but, I still wish I hadn't opened it that day. I was once in a long term relationship with a serial cheater that I only found out had cheated on me when I came down with an STD, which made me feel so stupid and dirty. Apparently while we were together for 2 years he had hooked up with over 4 different women (that I know of).

 

My current boyfriend had never given me any reason to doubt him or think he was doing anything but having been played the fool before my paranoia sunk in. I ended up reading the entire conversation thread.

 

In the convo, she had sent him pictures of herself (clothed) but he would respond by calling her sexy. He even talked about how he wished he had taken a chance on her when he had the opportunity. He would hit her up as soon as he woke up and would talk throughout the day to her many days at a time. There were occasional stretches between the texting, but it had been going on for weeks (I'm assuming he regularly deleted the conversation thread.) He sent her flirty texts, and my name and relationship was never mentioned. It really bothered me.

I immediately woke him up and confronted him about this. He told me she was just a friend back from high school and they had been through a lot together, and she was someone that knew him when he had a lot of bad things going on in his life. I asked him about the pictures and he told me she sent them, he never asked for them and when should would ask for pictures he wouldn't send any. He told me that she lives 800 miles away so nothing is going on, its just texting.

We fought about it for a while until I told him I wanted him to stop texting her. That I felt insecure about it, and I needed him to stop for my sake and our future.

 

But, now three months later, last night he was pretty drunk after a party and was passed out on the couch. I hear his text tone go off and look at the phone. It's her name. This time I did purposefully mean to snoop (not my proudest moment but I had to know) and open his phone to a conversation with her yet again. With the same kissing faces and heart emojis and calling her sexy. But, I saw pictures he sent her of him (clothed), the one thing he said he wouldn't do. I feel sick to the stomach, he was passed out so I couldn't confront him, and he left for work very early so I haven't been able to talk to him about it. To be honest, I don't even know what to say.

 

To make matters worse, we just signed a mortgage for a house. What can I do? I'm feeling so numb about this right now.

[Satu]

"Is he cheating emotionally with a girl he claims as a friend?"

 

Yes, he is.

 

Get your name off that mortgage right away.

 

This guy can't be trusted and will do this again and again.

 

 

 

Take care.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, he is having an emotional affair.

 

It doesn't matter one bit if she was a friend who helped him through hard times. What he is doing is still very inappropriate. You also now know he lies to you, which is also why I would caution you that what he has told you about her likely isn't the whole truth either.

 

I would break up with him. Sadly, you've just discovered that he doesn't respect you and isn't committed to you. He will know why you're ending it.

 

Find out what your options are in terms of getting your name off the mortgage. Going through with the purchase of a home will be a huge mistake.

[Aelin]

I just can't wrap my head around this. I've known him for close to 6 years, as we became friends before I started dating him in my junior year of college. He was always so upfront and we had so much in common. I thought he would be the one I would spend my life with. We have all the same friends and his mother is like the mom I never had. Our apartment has already been rented by someone else and we are supposed to be out in a little less than 3 weeks. It is tearing me apart that this is how it will end.

My knee jerk reaction is to put my foot down and give him an ultimatum, because we have so much history and 4 years of my life I gave to him. It makes me sick how much I want to stay with him, and so angry that he put me in this position.

I don't know if I'll be strong enough to let go, how do you move on from having a whole life together and a bright future ahead to just nothing?

[ExpatInItaly]

I just can't wrap my head around this. I've known him for close to 6 years, as we became friends before I started dating him in my junior year of college. He was always so upfront and we had so much in common. I thought he would be the one I would spend my life with. We have all the same friends and his mother is like the mom I never had. Our apartment has already been rented by someone else and we are supposed to be out in a little less than 3 weeks. It is tearing me apart that this is how it will end.

My knee jerk reaction is to put my foot down and give him an ultimatum, because we have so much history and 4 years of my life I gave to him. It makes me sick how much I want to stay with him, and so angry that he put me in this position.

I don't know if I'll be strong enough to let go, how do you move on from having a whole life together and a bright future ahead to just nothing?

 

One day at a time.

 

I had a similar experience when I discovered my live-in boyfriend of 7.5 years was having an affair. I never could have imagined he was capable of something like that, but he was.

 

There's no point giving him an ultimatum. He already blew his second chance. He told you he would stop talking to her but he didn't. It's a sad reality when the person you thought you knew is gone. It took me a long time to come to terms with that, too.

 

The bottom line is that your boyfriend isn't invested anymore. He willingly took a huge risk by getting cozy with another woman, and gambled with his future by continuing to talk to her behind your back. He made a choice to prioritize his desires for her, over you.

 

That should be all you need to know. I feel for you, I've been there.

[Hermus]

What is cheating and what not can be very different for different people. One of my female friends is in a relationship, just like me. We quite openly chat to each other about sex. Not what we would do to each other, but more about the things we do with our significant other. Lately she also has been sending me some hearts and kisses (I don't send them back). For some chatting about sex with someone else would constitute cheating. My girlfriend knows and is okay with it. So it's difficult to say whether it is cheating as a general point.

 

Personally I wouldn't be too happy if I found out my girlfriend is checking my phone or my computer. However, you did and found things you didn't like. You made an agreement and your boyfriend violated it. Because it is against what you and your bf agreed on it is cheating in my point of view. However, I don't agree that it means he isn't emotionally committed to your relationship anymore. Sometimes you can really enjoy the contact with someone else, without it having anything to do with your partner. I would have a serious conversation with him, but I wouldn't draw conclusions yet.

[Lorenza]

If he knows your boundaries and crosses them - he's cheating.

 

You clearly stated where your boundaries are the first time you caught him and he promised to respect them. He didn't.

[smackie9]

Yup he's cheating. I get you are invested, but in a bad investment and it's only going to lose value. There is no future with this guy, get out now.

[smackie9]

What is cheating and what not can be very different for different people. One of my female friends is in a relationship, just like me. We quite openly chat to each other about sex. Not what we would do to each other, but more about the things we do with our significant other. Lately she also has been sending me some hearts and kisses (I don't send them back). For some chatting about sex with someone else would constitute cheating. My girlfriend knows and is okay with it. So it's difficult to say whether it is cheating as a general point.

 

Personally I wouldn't be too happy if I found out my girlfriend is checking my phone or my computer. However, you did and found things you didn't like. You made an agreement and your boyfriend violated it. Because it is against what you and your bf agreed on it is cheating in my point of view. However, I don't agree that it means he isn't emotionally committed to your relationship anymore. Sometimes you can really enjoy the contact with someone else, without it having anything to do with your partner. I would have a serious conversation with him, but I wouldn't draw conclusions yet.

Ya but you admit in your thread to hiding the fact you are keeping in touch with a girl on tender from your GF.....Ya that's you. And ya now the OP can see why someone like you would be upset if your GF was snooping in your phone.....

 

And I post in your own words:

Recently I got into a relationship with someone I really love very much. Before that time I had been using Tinder quite a lot and had contact with a number of matches. One match I still have in my telephone and I app her every few days. She knows I'm in a relationship now and that there isn't any intention to go on a date with her at the moment. However, this is a thing I deliberately keep hidden from my gf. Would this count as cheating to you? And why or why not?

[smackie9]

OP don't buy your BF's bs.....he's done.

[VeveCakes]

Ya but you admit in your thread to hiding the fact you are keeping in touch with a girl on tender from your GF.....Ya that's you. And ya now the OP can see why someone like you would be upset if your GF was snooping in your phone.....

 

And I post in your own words:

 

Lol exactly

[Hamish57a]

I'll admit, I've done the same thing and made slight of it, it's an old friend or I was just kidding around. Well it's doesn't fly. If he's doing then he's interested in being with other women, and it'll tear your relationship apart because it did mine. I wasn't physically involved with anyone else ever. I wanted attention from other woman, it felt good and exciting and if given the opportunity I would of acted on it. So what I'm saying is if you want to fight for this guy then do it. Give him an ultimatum and be serious because it'd cheating I'm guilty of it and not proud of it. Hth

[Aelin]

Well, I confronted him about the texts. His reaction was very shocking. Ranging from yelling about his privacy to how he's known her longer than me and I shouldn't dictate how he is allowed to talk to other people. Saying things like "i call her sexy because she has low self esteem". I told him that wasnt his problem and he said it was none of my business. It was very hard to go through. He stormed out and went to a friends. One day later and I haven't heard from him at all.

 

I know I shouldn't feel like I'm the one in the wrong. But somehow what he said and did made me feel like I was the one that was being horrible. I think Expat was right. I don't know this man, the man I love respected me and never would have treated me this way. Where did it all go wrong?

[Zahara]

Well, I confronted him about the texts. His reaction was very shocking. Ranging from yelling about his privacy to how he's known her longer than me and I shouldn't dictate how he is allowed to talk to other people. Saying things like "i call her sexy because she has low self esteem". I told him that wasnt his problem and he said it was none of my business. It was very hard to go through. He stormed out and went to a friends. One day later and I haven't heard from him at all.

 

I know I shouldn't feel like I'm the one in the wrong. But somehow what he said and did made me feel like I was the one that was being horrible. I think Expat was right. I don't know this man, the man I love respected me and never would have treated me this way. Where did it all go wrong?

 

It's called gaslighting. It's when they manipulate and twist the truth to make you doubt yourself. Hence, you're sitting there feeling like you're at fault. It's how they shift the blame off themselves and place it on you.

 

Unfortunately, he's prioritized his need to communicate with this woman rather than protect your relationship. And it doesn't seem that he wants to stop. I think you know what to do.

 

Where did it all go wrong? I think this guy was doing this crap much longer than you think. Covered his tracks pretty well. My cheating ex was the same. Never knew he was out there with other women, all the while loving me to bits.

[Poutrew]

His reaction shows you who has priority in his life. Sorry, but it isn't you. I hope you act accordingly and make moves to protect yourself.

[smackie9]

Well, I confronted him about the texts. His reaction was very shocking. Ranging from yelling about his privacy to how he's known her longer than me and I shouldn't dictate how he is allowed to talk to other people. Saying things like "i call her sexy because she has low self esteem". I told him that wasnt his problem and he said it was none of my business. It was very hard to go through. He stormed out and went to a friends. One day later and I haven't heard from him at all.

 

I know I shouldn't feel like I'm the one in the wrong. But somehow what he said and did made me feel like I was the one that was being horrible. I think Expat was right. I don't know this man, the man I love respected me and never would have treated me this way. Where did it all go wrong?

He's not the same guy because he is so emotionally invested in this girl. Emotional affairs can be very addictive, dramatically alter their personality and way of thinking. It's like being addicted to drugs. The do whatever it takes to keep the affection/attention by hiding it, lying about it, get defensive, say crazy things, place blame and become very selfish. He is lost in this, he is in way too deep.....sorry but it's time to get out, clear your head.

[ExpatInItaly]

His reaction shows you who has priority in his life. Sorry, but it isn't you. I hope you act accordingly and make moves to protect yourself.

 

Exactly.

 

OP, notice how he didn't try to reassure you, apologize, or anything to rectify the situation with you?

 

He's mad because he got caught. He's into this girl in a big way.

 

Sorry, but your relationship is effectively over.

[Aelin]

Thanks to everyone that has posted on this. I've been more than shell-shocked the last few days. I'm trying to get to a point where I can talk to my friends (who are also his friends) about what has happened.

 

He came back home and we ended up having a knock-out drag-out fight about what happened. Me re-stating how hurt and upset I was with him talking to this other girl, and him defending his actions. He got so upset he started bringing everything up we had ever fought about i.e. how messy I can be, or how much I don't like a certain friend of his etc. Until he started trying to find everything wrong with me and literally at one point said I was weak and pathetic for how bad my cramps get and I need to stop being a baby about them (like seriously wtf?!).

 

I read about emotional affairs and apparently it is common for the ones in them to start comparing the person they are with to the person they could be with, and it makes them resentful. That's how I felt. That he was resenting me for not wanting him to flirt with this woman and talk to her about personal intimate details of our life.

 

The really sad part about all of this is the fact that she does live 800 miles away and apparently has an established life there, and he has an established life here. Yet, he chose that relationship, which will probably never be anything other than texting, over our own relationship. I'm moving out this weekend and going to stay with my sister until I can figure out what's next.

 

He has tried to apologize and take back all the horrible things he said. But, that doesn't change anything for me. Am I being to hard on him? I don't know, but my heart says I don't deserve anything less than 100% of the person I'm with. I put in my all for him, he should have done the same. In all honesty though, I want to forget it all happened. I want to be with him. Is there to much water under this bridge? I don't want to regret this.

[ExpatInItaly]

Good for you.

 

No, you're not being too hard on him at all. He flat-out lied to you and was a total jerk when you called him out on it.

 

Even taking back all the awful things he said to you doesn't change the fact that he's into someone else. That is the crux of the problem. He's checked out. Ask yourself if he stopped to wonder if he'd regret lying to you, flirting with someone else. Ask yourself how long that would have continued if you hadn't caught him. Again. For him to even be able to do what he's been doing is a strong indication he's emotionally already gone.

 

You are absolutely doing the right thing by moving out. You need space and time to gather your thoughts and come to terms with the fact that the boyfriend you have now isn't the same guy you fell in love with.

Edited July 7, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[Lorenza]

So the curtain fell and you saw the real him. Sometimes it takes months, sometimes - years, but sooner or later they show who they really are. And in his case, he's a selfish and emotionally uninvested man, who doesn't have the balls to admit he's in the wrong. He acted like a complete ahole gaslighting and twisting just to defend his emotional affair. He's ready to lose you.

[Hermus]

Ya but you admit in your thread to hiding the fact you are keeping in touch with a girl on tender from your GF.....Ya that's you. And ya now the OP can see why someone like you would be upset if your GF was snooping in your phone.....

 

And I post in your own words:

 

Sorry, but you're so totally wrong here. Actually I broke off the contact with this girl. Not because my girlfriend became jealous and was snooping on me. On the contrary. She found out and all she had to say was 'You can text with her. I know you are only being friendly'. Actually knowing that she trusted me so much that she would happily accept me chatting with that other girl did more to let me make the decision to stop it than if she would have been distrustful.

[Traceycprc]

I really feel for you, I had something similar happen to me. I caught my now ex in an emotional affair with someone he called a friend. They are now together in a relationship. I could never trust him after I found out, it took weeks of pain before coming to the decision the relationship had to end, when he continued to contact her behind my back. You are not being hard on him, it's not about distance it's about having respect for the person you love. You don't cross that line ever. I hope you find the strength to move on. It's painful but in the end you need trust and respect.