Is he still in love with her?

[lost_me]

It's a long story, please bear with me.

I am 22 years old and have been dating a guy for the past 10 months. Our relationship started with physical attraction, and then developed into strong feelings for each other. However, I was always doubtful of him as a long term partner, since I found it very hard to share things with him; where I am the kind who can share anything easily with almost anyone. Moreover, I believe that we are very different in the way we are - i am more social, he is pretty anti-social and doesn't easily mix up with new people, i am more rowdy, he is more focused on manners and proper conduct, being from military background, etc. Before we started dating he had strong protective feelings, which eventually turned into those of love and attraction for another girl. He had stopped talking much with her when we had started.However, 2-3 months back, I encouraged him to start talking to her since they were good friends, and he missed her company and the conversations he had with her. At the time, I guess I secretly wanted him to be with her(the feeling to play the good Samaritan was very strong I guess). Upon my insistence, he started spending one of the 2 weekends with her. It made me uncomfortable, but I hid this from him and rather pushed him more. Then one night he tells me that he hugged her and lay for hours the weekend before when he visited her place. This shook me up(I know stupid, since I was the one that pushed him away). I said it's ok, I understand they both like each other. Then this just kept growing. And finally 2 weeks later he comes to me with a sad face and says that he ended it with her after making out with her. I don't know why but I got rather angry, and called him a fool, and asked him to go back to her since he loved her so much.*

I was in so much pain as soon as he left, I hadn't anticipated it. I was always the kind of person who could move on easily from people. I guess this was my first romantic relationship, and hence I didn't know how it feels when someone you love leaves. I was a wreck. When I couldn't take it anymore, I pinged him saying that it was all too sudden and I we need to slowly end our relationship. Turns out he was also not able to move on from me. Anyways we got back together, and in the process the other girl got hurt. I later learned that since I had never been open with him, he was of the opinion that I hadn't loved him as much as he did, and that I would have left him eventually, and that's why he had left upon my insistence earlier.*

Now the problem is, in the initial few days after our patch-up he had been racked by guilt of hurting such a good and dear friend. I was utterly jealous at his pain, but slowly I controlled myself, thinking that its normal. But now after 3 months, he tells me that he still thinks of her daily. He pinged her a few times, but almost all the times she told him to not do so as she needs to move on. Her friends called him and said not to contact her as she becomes distraught whenever he contacts her. He wonders when she will forgive him for coming to her and leaving her within a day. This disturbs me greatly. Is he still in love with her? Is it right of him to think of her so much?*

 

P.S I've tried to explain everything the best I could. If something is still not clear, please do let me know.

[Aelin]

Yes, he does still care for her. He seems to be a loyal person that cares deeply about the people around him.

 

You seem to have been sending him some mixed signals on where your own loyalties lie.

 

I feel bad that he has this guilt for hurting not one, but two people whom he cares for. You should sit down with him and talk how much you care about his own mental well being and if this relationship is worth continuing at the moment because of the emotional confusion. I don't know if there is much you can do to repair the relationship if he is still pinging her and asking about her. She obviously wants to move on with her life, and if that upsets him and makes him sad, then maybe you should move on too, before you both get hurt worse.

[lost_me]

We tried taking some time apart. We just couldn't. Could be because we work at the same place and live a building away, and that we are quite crazy about each other.

I know he still cares for her and that he loves me. The question is, is it just caring or something more? Is it ok if I get upset whenever he mentions her?

It's not the fact that she wants to move on, that upsets him. It's the fact that he misses her as a friend and can't have the conversations with her now that he used to have earlier. The fact that she doesn't want to talk to him comes across to him like she still hasn't forgiven him completely. And that makes him sad.

 

P.S. Thanks for the prompt reply.

[Aelin]

She probably won't forgive him, that is something that he will have to come to terms with. She let him in, he betrayed that, and now she needs time and space. Maybe one day, if he is really lucky, she may forgive him. But, he probably shouldn't try to re-initiate a relationship of any kind with her while you guys are still together, because it will just start the cycle over again.

 

I can't tell you if he still loves her, you will have to ask him. If him talking about her bothers you, tell him. If you feel jealous, tell him. Let him know that he also has a friend in you. Best thing you both could do if you are serious about being together is starting over. There is a lot of water under the bridge, a lot of emotional hurt.

 

You state you can't keep away from each other, so maybe you agree to give each other space, as if you had just started dating. But this time, be open, and upfront, give him clear signals. Understand that the way things had been put you both on rocky ground, and that you also need time to heal and evaluate how you feel.

 

Maybe it won't fix anything, but sitting down and telling him everything that is going through you mind is a good place to start. You can't be upset at him for doing something if you don't let him know what you're upset about and why. You can both talk about what you want and what you both expect. Let him know you care, and you struggle to cope with the after effects of what happened with the other girl.

 

I'm not an expert on love or relationships. I just hate to see you both miserable but in love at the same time. Hopefully it gets better.

[smackie9]

Why do you even bother with this guy? Is it not obvious he is emotionally unavailable to you??? let him go so he can sort himself out....and you go find someone who doesn't have this kind of baggage.

[preraph]

If he's feeling protective, then it's more than just sexual feelings with her. He has some genuine feelings for her, and I hope he does for you as well. But you have got to stop telling him to do what's best for him and her and start representing yourself and telling him what YOU want for yourself. He must be very confused.

 

He's already indecisive, so you're just making it worse. Be straight with him about what you want and need only and let him do what he has to do.

[stillafool]

We tried taking some time apart. We just couldn't. Could be because we work at the same place and live a building away, and that we are quite crazy about each other.

I know he still cares for her and that he loves me. The question is, is it just caring or something more? Is it ok if I get upset whenever he mentions her?

It's not the fact that she wants to move on, that upsets him. It's the fact that he misses her as a friend and can't have the conversations with her now that he used to have earlier. The fact that she doesn't want to talk to him comes across to him like she still hasn't forgiven him completely. And that makes him sad.

 

P.S. Thanks for the prompt reply.

 

It's really none of his business whether she has forgiven him or not. He bascially played with her feelings at your encouragement now he misses their conversations? Wah, Wah, too bad. Tell him to stop contacting her and leave her alone.

Edited July 5, 2016 by stillafool

[cupid_stupid]

I understand your relationship is all very complicated. You love him and he loves you but he also has unresolved feelings for the other girl. The other girl also have feelings for him too. I think he needs to really figure out who he really loves. Cause if he doesn't then you all will end up hurt. I get it that he knew the other girl first and they are really good friends and maybe what he feels for her now is just friends. The other girl will come around in time. I think she is just really heartbroken cause she finally got the guy but then he tells her that he loves another girl as well. I'm sure you would understand if you were in her shoes because the same thing happened to you too.