Look at photos of MM with his W on Twitter, see the reality

[loveisanaction]

Happy couples don't have affairs. End of story

 

This statement right here is the reason why it’s so easy for people to get themselves into affairs. It’s also the reason why the other woman has such a difficult time understanding why her married man is sleeping with her but will not leave his wife for her.

 

For men: Sex and Love are two different things:

 

A man can sleep with a woman outside of his marriage and still be totally in love with his wife. Love has absolutely nothing to do with sex, if it did, every single friends with benefits situation would end up falling in love and marrying.

 

For most male cheaters there is nothing fundamentally wrong with them or their marriages. There may be less sex than at the beginning of the marriage, his wife doesn’t make his heart flutter every time she walks into the room, the attraction is not as strong as the first few years of marriage; but every long term married couple knows that this is normal. Anything successful takes work and for most people they do not like to work. Marriages take work. So instead of the married man working on his marriage he goes out and finds himself someone new, someone exciting, someone who doesn’t take work. That does not mean that he no longer loves his wife or that there must be something emotionally flawed with him or that he must be a narcissist or a sociopath. It simply means that he wants to get laid.

 

A woman however, who constantly sleeps with a man will begin to bond with him. This is because of the bonding chemical Oxytocin that releases whenever she is intimate with a man. This is the reason why it is very difficult for a woman to continuously sleep with a man and not begin to develop feelings for him. Men do not release Oxytocin which is why they can sleep with a woman that they are attracted to but do not love.

 

There are instances where a married man truly does not love his wife anymore and is miserable in his marriage so he gets himself into an affair. Some of these men really do want to leave and some will. This is where you see a situation where the other woman does end up with her married man. However, the married man did not leave his marriage for the other woman he left because he was unhappy.

 

With married men saturating the market with stories of how miserable he is in his marriage is why it makes it even more difficult for the other woman to understand why her married man keeps sleeping with her yet will not leave his wife.

 

People who cheat are not always unhappy, they are not emotionally damaged, there wasn’t always some abusive event that happened in their lives, and they are not always narcissists, sociopaths or evil immature man-children. Many of them just want to get laid but this is never acceptable to the affair partner because if they were to believe this then that would make them just another statistic and nobody wants to be a statistic…they want to be special.

Edited July 6, 2016 by loveisanaction

[cocorico]

This statement right here is the reason why it’s so easy for people to get themselves into affairs. It’s also the reason why the other woman has such a difficult time understanding why her married man is sleeping with her but will not leave his wife for her.

 

For men: Sex and Love are two different things:

 

A man can sleep with a woman outside of his marriage and still be totally in love with his wife. Love has absolutely nothing to do with sex, if it did, every single friends with benefits situation would end up falling in love and marrying.

 

For most male cheaters there is nothing fundamentally wrong with them or their marriages. There may be less sex than at the beginning of the marriage, his wife doesn’t make his heart flutter every time she walks into the room, the attraction is not as strong as the first few years of marriage; but every long term married couple knows that this is normal. Anything successful takes work and for most people they do not like to work. Marriages take work. So instead of the married man working on his marriage he goes out and finds himself someone new, someone exciting, someone who doesn’t take work. That does not mean that he no longer loves his wife or that there must be something emotionally flawed with him or that he must be a narcissist or a sociopath. It simply means that he wants to get laid.

 

A woman however, who constantly sleeps with a man will begin to bond with him. This is because of the bonding chemical Oxytocin that releases whenever she is intimate with a man. This is the reason why it is very difficult for a woman to continuously sleep with a man and not begin to develop feelings for him. Men do not release Oxytocin which is why they can sleep with a woman that they are attracted to but do not love.

 

There are instances where a married man truly does not love his wife anymore and is miserable in his marriage so he gets himself into an affair. Some of these men really do want to leave and some will. This is where you see a situation where the other woman does end up with her married man. However, the married man did not leave his marriage for the other woman he left because he was unhappy.

 

With married men saturating the market with stories of how miserable he is in his marriage is why it makes it even more difficult for the other woman to understand why her married man keeps sleeping with her yet will not leave his wife.

 

People who cheat are not always unhappy, they are not emotionally damaged, there wasn’t always some abusive event that happened in their lives, and they are not always narcissists, sociopaths or evil immature man-children. Many of them just want to get laid but this is never acceptable to the affair partner because if they were to believe this then that would make them just another statistic and nobody wants to be a statistic…they want to be special.

 

This kind of "Mars / Venus" stereotyping is pretty crass. Many women can separate love and sex - the hookup culture shows masses of women doing so all the time, for example. Likewise se, there are many men for whom sex does lead to intimacy and love - these forums are full of stories of men who started out with NSA sex but who fell in love.

 

Yes, some **people** compartmentalise and perhaps some of those **people** still love their partners, while seeking sex with other people. Yes, some **people** just have sex for its own sake - and some of those people have preexisting relationships with others. Yes, it can get confusing when someone who equates sex with love **of any gender** gets involved with someone who doesn't **of any gender**'and both make assumptions about the other.

 

And yes, some people lie to get what they want, so seeking clarification doesn't always work.

 

But it's not always one gender on one side of the equation and its converse on the other.

[AutumnMoon]

I am just going to be the bearer of I don't know if it's good or bad news I guess depends what side you're on .

 

Facebook and Twitter and social media absolute Bull****. I have found times that my married man's wife posts the most about him or when he's posting about her is when they are not getting along. It's a persona they are trying to keep up. It's not reality.

 

If it's hurting you, like it does me sometimes even when I know the truth!! Do not look,

[Sub]

"People say believe half of what you see

Son, and none of what you hear."

- Marvin Gaye, I Heard it Through the Grapevine

[ladydesigner]

This kind of "Mars / Venus" stereotyping is pretty crass. Many women can separate love and sex - the hookup culture shows masses of women doing so all the time, for example. Likewise se, there are many men for whom sex does lead to intimacy and love - these forums are full of stories of men who started out with NSA sex but who fell in love.

 

Yes, some **people** compartmentalise and perhaps some of those **people** still love their partners, while seeking sex with other people. Yes, some **people** just have sex for its own sake - and some of those people have preexisting relationships with others. Yes, it can get confusing when someone who equates sex with love **of any gender** gets involved with someone who doesn't **of any gender**'and both make assumptions about the other.

 

And yes, some people lie to get what they want, so seeking clarification doesn't always work.

 

But it's not always one gender on one side of the equation and its converse on the other.

 

Why is it crass? I believe what loveisanaction is saying because it is a proven medical fact that the oxytocin hormone is released during sex and it is exactly that which helps strengthen bonding for the woman.

 

I think she was offering another viewpoint, one that is valid.

[cocorico]

Why is it crass? I believe what loveisanaction is saying because it is a proven medical fact that the oxytocin hormone is released during sex and it is exactly that which helps strengthen bonding for the woman.

 

I think she was offering another viewpoint, one that is valid.

 

Oxytocin affect both men and women. Some women feel the effects more strongly than other women; some men feel it more strongly than other men. It is not the case that all women feel the effects more strongly than all men.

[ladydesigner]

Oxytocin affect both men and women. Some women feel the effects more strongly than other women; some men feel it more strongly than other men. It is not the case that all women feel the effects more strongly than all men.

 

That makes sense thank you for explaining. I didn't realize it affected men in that way. I have heard that men connect sexually and women connect emotionally, but not sure how true that is.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Why is it crass? I believe what loveisanaction is saying because it is a proven medical fact that the oxytocin hormone is released during sex and it is exactly that which helps strengthen bonding for the woman.

 

I think she was offering another viewpoint, one that is valid.

 

To me this type of generalization regarding sexuality of male vs. female is crass because it shows a disregard for the individual, especially for women; however, also for men.

 

To me it is disrespectful of others to lump them into categories without considering the uniqueness of the individuals. Especially now that there is so much information available about sexuality and other issues pertaining to relationships.

 

This type generalization about men, that they sleep with women without forming a bond is not only false, it's also archaic and misinformed. Same with applying the standard to women, that they all form an emotional bond when involved with a man sexually. Not accurate and disrespectful to assume everyone is the same. We are all unique. Many of the men I've known (not sexually, am referring to friends, family, men I have dated, too) have been the types who would form a bond with women they were sleeping with. Same with the women who are my friends; however, I believe the reason for that is partly because of the environment in which they were reared. And I'm sure it's not across the board true, as again, individuals behave unique unto themselves.

 

In my opinion, people who are reared in more sensitive environments will have a head's up on maintaining a more emotional perspective in a relationship. This would be just one contributing factor to forming a bond, though, and again, factors influencing this would be affected by individual variables.

[sandylee1]

The obsession reeks of jealousy IMO.

 

Happiness is subjective and if someone is non the wiser to an A, they may well be very happy indeed.

 

I find OW saying it's all fake is simply a touch of the green eyed monster. If you think it's fake it's likely because your MM is a fake.

[ladydesigner]

In my opinion, people who are reared in more sensitive environments will have a head's up on maintaining a more emotional perspective in a relationship. This would be just one contributing factor to forming a bond, though, and again, factors influencing this would be affected by individual variables.

 

I truly believe this. I think you are right.

[LivingWaterPlease]

The obsession reeks of jealousy IMO.

 

Happiness is subjective and if someone is non the wiser to an A, they may well be very happy indeed.

 

I find OW saying it's all fake is simply a touch of the green eyed monster. If you think it's fake it's likely because your MM is a fake.

 

I'm a BW and BF (betrayed fiance, albeit, a long time ago for both!) not an OW and haven't had issues with the "green-eyed monstor" you refer to.

 

Not sure what you're labeling as "it's fake" as in the bolded above but am going to assume you're referring to Face Book.

 

I also contend that there is a lot of Fake on FB.

 

I could cite instances that I know of (which don't involve affairs) but am very careful of what I post on public forums so won't do it. (I post no personal information or photos on FB, either, only business-related posts or memes).

Edited July 6, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[loveisanaction]

If you read my post correctly, you would see that i did not generalize, i said for MOST married men...but again that's if you read my post correctly.

 

...and it has been proven many times over that most women find it difficult to keep their feelings out of sex, that's not to say that there aren't women who haven't mastered the art of sleeping with men without letting their feelings come into play but they are not in the majority. Go and read forums and posts concerning friends with benefits situations. 99% of the posts are from women who started off sleeping with a guy, had no feelings whatsoever and are now wanting more. They are on these boards/forums asking for advice on how to turn their FWB situation into a real relationship. That's not to say that there aren't situations where FWB turns into something more but these boards and forums are flooded with posts from women who want more not from men. So i wasn't generalizing, i was basing my facts off of statistics i've studied and forums and boards that i am a member of and just plain observation.

[Maggie888]

This is maddening all this talk of FB being "fake". A photograph that is "fake" is one that is photoshopped or otherwise not an accurate depiction of what was actually shot. So if a H and W take a picture of themselves smiling snd hugging who is ANYONE to say that its "fake"?? As long as its notsome photoshopped nonsense and was taken of the actual people its REAL. If they are smilingor kissing or acting loving its bc they chose or felt like doing so im that moment. Maybe they came home later and got in a fight or he texted hisOW after the picture was taken. It doesnt matter. Its still a real depiction of a momemt in time and NOTHING MORE. If OW wants to assign more meaning to it ie that they are faking their smiles and posting it just to keep up appearances thats ON HER and she has no way whatsoever to know what was going on in anyones mind at the time it was posed for and posed to. To assume so speaks more of her in terms of patheticness and obsession with a family that is not hers.

 

So again...by definition...a photo is not "fake" unless a person is photoshopped into it or a background is cropped in etc. Simply smiling for a photo snd posting it on FB is not meant to be an implication that your life and marriage is 100% happiness and smiles. By that logic anyone that ever has any trouble in their life should never post a smiling pic bc it will be deemed "fake" by those sitting at home in judgement of it i guess.

 

acebook and Twitter and social media absolute Bull****. I have found times that my married man's wife posts the most about him or when he's posting about her is when they are not getting along. It's a persona they are trying to keep up. It's not reality.

 

This is such a sad and low place for a person to be in. Not the MM wife but the OW whose mind is so oreoccupied by MM life and marriage. Affairs are awful.

[ladydesigner]

This is maddening all this talk of FB being "fake". A photograph that is "fake" is one that is photoshopped or otherwise not an accurate depiction of what was actually shot. So if a H and W take a picture of themselves smiling snd hugging who is ANYONE to say that its "fake"?? As long as its notsome photoshopped nonsense and was taken of the actual people its REAL. If they are smilingor kissing or acting loving its bc they chose or felt like doing so im that moment. Maybe they came home later and got in a fight or he texted hisOW after the picture was taken. It doesnt matter. Its still a real depiction of a momemt in time and NOTHING MORE. If OW wants to assign more meaning to it ie that they are faking their smiles and posting it just to keep up appearances thats ON HER and she has no way whatsoever to know what was going on in anyones mind at the time it was posed for and posed to. To assume so speaks more of her in terms of patheticness and obsession with a family that is not hers.

 

So again...by definition...a photo is not "fake" unless a person is photoshopped into it or a background is cropped in etc. Simply smiling for a photo snd posting it on FB is not meant to be an implication that your life and marriage is 100% happiness and smiles. By that logic anyone that ever has any trouble in their life should never post a smiling pic bc it will be deemed "fake" by those sitting at home in judgement of it i guess.

 

 

 

This is such a sad and low place for a person to be in. Not the MM wife but the OW whose mind is so oreoccupied by MM life and marriage. Affairs are awful.

 

I think it is non sequitur. The OW wants to believe the photos are fake and the BS wants to believe the A is fake.

[sandylee1]

I'm a BW and BF (betrayed fiance, albeit, a long time ago for both!) not an OW and haven't had issues with the "green-eyed monstor" you refer to.

 

Not sure what you're labeling as "it's fake" as in the bolded above but am going to assume you're referring to Face Book.

 

I also contend that there is a lot of Fake on FB.

 

I could cite instances that I know of (which don't involve affairs) but am very careful of what I post on public forums so won't do it. (I post no personal information or photos on FB, either, only business-related posts or memes).

 

There's fake everywhere in life and it's not limited to FB, because people can be fake URL ... so they don't suddenly change on social media.

 

My point is that as soon as happy pics of MM and his wife are on FB and OW gets upset, the rest tend to say it's fake..... Maybe to console the OW posting, but I believe it's a defence mechanism .. because of course no way in hell can OW post pics of herself and MM.

 

What makes it fake? The fact she doesn't know he's cheating? That they appear happy despite all the lies he tells? Well in that case maybe it could be deemed fake ... because he's a liar anda cheat.

 

But you only know what you know.

[Maggie888]

Im just not getiing this definition of "fake". I mean the A exists. The M exists. Neither is fake. I agree the OP and BP want to believe in their heart the other relationship is minimal or just sex or just roomates. Even IF a BS and MM are living as roomates the only fake post would be ome saying "wow we have the best sex life". A picture of two people hugging or smiling is just that - a picture. Its what they were doing and feeling at that moment. Im sure OW would love to believe they are sitting sulking and seething at each other, then BW pulls out her camera and they embrace, hug, point, click and post then go right back to exchanging hateful words and looks but I really doubt that.

[Confused9999]

This kind of "Mars / Venus" stereotyping is pretty crass. Many women can separate love and sex - the hookup culture shows masses of women doing so all the time, for example. Likewise se, there are many men for whom sex does lead to intimacy and love - these forums are full of stories of men who started out with NSA sex but who fell in love.

 

Yes, some **people** compartmentalise and perhaps some of those **people** still love their partners, while seeking sex with other people. Yes, some **people** just have sex for its own sake - and some of those people have preexisting relationships with others. Yes, it can get confusing when someone who equates sex with love **of any gender** gets involved with someone who doesn't **of any gender**'and both make assumptions about the other.

 

And yes, some people lie to get what they want, so seeking clarification doesn't always work.

 

But it's not always one gender on one side of the equation and its converse on the other.

 

There are also tons of articles talking about how hookup culture is not working for women at all and they actually suffer from it.

 

What we are talking about is statistical.. Meaning majority of the time the majority men or women. I am sure many women can have NSA and many men get attached right away. However the majority is like described by loveisinaction.

Edited July 6, 2016 by Confused9999

[Confused9999]

That makes sense thank you for explaining. I didn't realize it affected men in that way. I have heard that men connect sexually and women connect emotionally, but not sure how true that is.

 

Oxytocin release in women after sex is substantially higher then men.

That's why it affects them much more.

 

Men can, and do, get attached after sex but it will take much longer to do so then the average women.

 

Again.. This is a generalization and based on majority. I'm sure the opposite is sometimes true as well!

Edited July 6, 2016 by Confused9999

[sandylee1]

There are also tons of articles talking about how hookup culture is not working for women at all and they actually suffer from it.

 

What we are talking about is statistical.. Meaning majority of the time the majority men or women. I am sure many women can have NSA and many men get attached right away. However the majority is like described by loveisinaction.

 

Exactly! Lovesisanaction was referring to the MAJORITY. There will always be exceptions to the rule.

 

R

[LivingWaterPlease]

There's fake everywhere in life and it's not limited to FB, because people can be fake URL ... so they don't suddenly change on social media.

 

My point is that as soon as happy pics of MM and his wife are on FB and OW gets upset, the rest tend to say it's fake..... Maybe to console the OW posting, but I believe it's a defence mechanism .. because of course no way in hell can OW post pics of herself and MM.

 

What makes it fake? The fact she doesn't know he's cheating? That they appear happy despite all the lies he tells? Well in that case maybe it could be deemed fake ... because he's a liar anda cheat.

 

But you only know what you know.

 

Thanks for explaining, SandyLee1. I agree there is fake everywhere in life, for sure, and authenticity, too! Honestly, since I'm a believer in God I believe that's why the Bible cautions us not to judge, because we really don't know what's in a person's heart most of the time.

 

But then, we can judge an action to be born of jealousy, too, when it's not.

 

To me, a photo is fake if people are demonstrating emotions they don't actually feel and sometimes a person does have inside information about a situation that lends credibility to their assessment. I know one person on FB who has person's children pose on and kiss each side of person's face (a child on each side). Have been present when the photos are taken (so many occasions, same pose) and know the kids hate doing it but the photos appear to be real (expressive of the kids' desire to plant kisses on the person) to the viewer. Could give other examples I've seen but won't bore with them!

[LivingWaterPlease]

OP, not sure where you are. Before I've posted each post I've tried to assess whether or not it's a thread jack and many times it hasn't seemed so but the discussion sure doesn't seem to me to be centered on you at this point and for that I apologize to you for my part in it.

 

I wonder how you are and if you are even interested in participating in the thread anymore?

[Lady Hamilton]

Your specific case is one case out of millions. You can't judge every single case based on yours or mine or anyone else's.

 

I guess we will have to agree to disagree about this. I don't believe you can read people's entire lives through Facebook posts and I never will.

 

I'm glad it was helpful to the OP to see MM looking happy with his wife. That's really the only thing that matters here.

 

I'm not judging my specific case out of millions.

 

Frankly, I thought the whole "show for social media" phenomenon was widely acknowledged as a thing. Hence "Fakebook," "Instaglam," etc etc.

 

I'm not saying that everybody does it, but I am saying it's not some unknown thing. This idea that social media being a 100% infallible representation of a marriage/relationship is a new one on me.

[Lady Hamilton]

You seem to be talking out of both sides of your mouth here. On the one hand you believe photos of your MM and his wife accurately portrayed his marriage and at the same time you are insisting photos cannot be accurate portrayals and they are fake. If Facebook photos are all contrived and fake why bother posting that your MM looked miserable? The saddest aspect here are the people going onto the Facebook profiles of the BS and closely examining every photo the BS post trying to determine if the MM is really happy or not happy.

 

I'm neither insisting photos are fake, nor am I saying that even his pictures with his wife were an accurate representation of his marriage. I only said he looked miserable in them.

 

In fact, I don't think his picture was an accurate portrayal of anything but how desperate his wife was to make it look like everything was fine and wonderful. In reality, he looked miserable, and the backstory to the picture was most often equally miserable.

 

I also didn't say all Facebook pictures are fake. I said that some people put a whole lot of effort into putting a happy facade on Facebook, even if we all know the real scoop in the relationship.

 

As to why I shared why my MM looked miserable in his pictures, well, because he did, and we were discussing the topic and I shared my experience and impressions... His wife created pictures with lovey dovey captions when the realty was much different, we all knew it, and he looked miserable doing it. I'm not sure why that would be so bothersome...

 

Like I said, this thread is the first time I've ever heard that any picture made by a BS on social media must be 100% true and any idea they are putting up pictures to impress others on social media and/or give the illusion of happiness is completely impossible.

 

And to answered the veiled insult in there, I never went to his BS's Facebook to analyze pictures of him. I had better ways to spend my time and she was of absolutely zero interest to me. I knew she put up pictures because common friends would like them and they hit my feed or more commonly her mother would send them to me. I knew what she was up to on Facebook and I didn't care because I knew what the scoop was and, whatever show she made, she knew too. Ehat she posted had to do with her issues, not mine.

Edited July 6, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[PickledHead]

you can't believe anything you see on Facebook pictures!

 

A picture doesn't represent anything. When me an my WH split up nobody saw it coming, we were apparently the perfect couple! An pictures on Facebook would testify to that with holidays, nights out, family outings!! The reality though was so far from that.

 

Just because I wasn't happy in my marriage didn't mean I didn't want memories of times with my family and of places I had been. And any photos where either of us looked unhappy would never have made social media - especially knowing the OW would see them! I would not have given her the satisfaction

[Quiet Storm]

OW look for many signs that MMs feelings are real. That's understandable. However, I think an unhappy marriage often leads an OW to make assumptions about the MMs intentions. Even when MMs feelings for OW are genuine, he rarely leaves the marriage.

 

Most MM view their marriage as a constant, unchangeable entity that is the foundation of their life.

 

Maybe their wife disappoints them. Maybe they don't have a great sex life. Maybe his wife doesn't understand him. Maybe she spends too much money. Maybe she gained weight. Maybe she is too involved with the kids and doesn't pay attention to him anymore.

 

All of those negative aspects of his marriage can be true. However, he's no more likely to leave the marriage over his grievances than he would disown a child for being a disappointment, or end contact with his mom because she's demanding, or cut off a sibling over differences of opinion. Their wife is part of his family, flaws and all. In their minds, divorcing isn't an option. OW isn't a prospective wife. OW enhances his existing life (wife included).

 

Usually, MM only leave the marriage if it is unbearable. Examples of this could be a wife's addiction, mental illness or domestic abuse.

 

For most MM, the love and connection they feel with an OW is just not important enough to consider divorce. Their history, family ties, reputation and the legacy they leave are more important to them. OW often find this sad and unfortunate, but that's because OW is basing their opinion on their own hierarchy of importance- with love and connection at the top of the list.

 

For an OW who feels that love and "being together" is the main objective in life, MM staying married is a tragedy. It's hard for OW to imagine that he would choose a boring, sexless or dysfunctional marriage over a life together. In her eyes, he's weak or trying to be a martyr. I mean, why else would he turn down the opportunity for true happiness?

 

But for a MM who doesn't consider love/ connection as essential, "it is what it is". It would create conflict within him to betray his history, family, legacy, etc and this would outweigh the benefits. He feels like he wouldn't have true happiness with OW if he had to make those sacrifices. Even for those MM that seriously consider leaving the marriage (rare), most conclude that the fallout (guilt, facing his kids, feeling like a failure, loss of reputation, etc) is a fate worse than the possibility of losing OWs love.

 

Marriages have ups and downs and happy times, boring times, fun times, sad times, etc. Life is a series of moments, some happy and some not. Most MM are not miserable in their vacation pics or pics with his wife. He's usually happy to be married, proud of his family and likely genuinely has happy times with them, even though he has a romantic connection with OW. I think the assumption that family time/ time with his wife is faked is also a reflection of OWs own hierarchy of needs. For her, life is miserable without that connection, so she assumes that MM is phony and miserable, when in reality he genuinely enjoys different things about the different aspects of his life.