Look at photos of MM with his W on Twitter, see the reality

[Maggie888]

The only "sure thing" when it comes to pitifulness in these scenarios of FB photos is the person on the outside obsessing over them, trying to assign meaning and definition to a marriage and family that is not theirs. I think it speaks poorly moreso to that person sitting at home snarking and rolling their eyes at the pics, than it does the people posing for and/or posting the pics. How can anyone deign to assume any slight discomfort in the MM signals anything other than perhaps a bad case of gas after a big meal at Outback with the family....nor can you assume a smile on his face is a result of mindblowing wakeup sex with his wife that morning.

 

You just dont know and its futile and unhealthy to play this game. Nobody knows whats going thru anyones minds or happening day in day out insdie another persons marriage.

[boneheadedmove]

There is no upside to checking social media of anyone involved. People here often get upset when they see their married affair partner looking happy with his life. But would it change anything if the affair partner was posting about how miserable they are? They're still making the choice to be there and not with you.

[waterwoman]

I don't post anything about my marriage on FB or anywhere else. It's private and as far as I am concerned not of interest to anyone else. I might wish H happy birthday or maybe life a post of his and vice versa. We don't use it as an advertising hoarding of our marital state. The only thing that H does regarding me on FB is post pictures of my crossing the finish line when I'm racing - I really wish he wouldn't as I tend to look like something the cat dragged in at that point However he does it because he's proud of me and that's all that matters. Otherwise nothing doing FB-wise in our marriage. I guess I am just too ancient to have got on board with it.

[Lady Hamilton]

The problem with saying that so many are in Lalaland is, that some of the people who are in Lalaland do not know they are in Lalaland, they believe they are happy and that any troubles they may have are just normal trivial marital issues that everyone has and are nothing to worry about..

It may be only the people looking in with insider or extra knowledge that see the huge flaws, the infidelity, the disrespect, the unhappiness - whilst the spouses themselves are oblivious, as they are often fed the same bs, that the WS tends to feed to his/her OW/OM. - I love you, you are my world...

 

There are plenty of people who know that things aren't quite right when they post the loving selfies on Facebook. How many times have we seen it that post D-Day, the BS carpet bombs social media with the "soooo in luvvv" pictures. How many times have we seen BS's say that the vacations they were on were miserable, but their Facebook tells a different story.

 

I'm not saying this is everybody, but I'm also not buying the argument that pictures on Facebook are either real depictions of marital bliss or real depictions of what somebody thinks is marital bliss and never a "I'm doing this to make a point" or "things aren't great but they need to look great."

 

I just grow really bored with this assumption that seems to soak these forums sometimes... That these were all picture perfect marriages with no significant problems before, out of nowhere, an affair randomly happens and nobody had any idea there was anything wrong before that moment. Every lovey picture is truly a lovey picture and not a carefully chosen picture that reflects what they want to reflect, every gushing update is 100% true courtesy of a BS who took a break from singing with woodland animals to let us know how wonderful her life truly is, and their marital life is an unblemished string of pearls until one day, out of nowhere, things went off the rails.

 

That's just not the reality. Some status updates are fake. Some pictures that appear happy were taken in very unhappy moments. Some people who have really screwed up marriages enjoy spending an awful lot of time trying to make it look not screwed up, especially on social media.

 

This idea that because a happy picture popped up on social media, that's "proof" to a OW or OM that the marriage is really happy and now they've finally got the glimpse into reality that they need... I'm sorry, but that's just not unilaterally true. And if a OW or OM says as much, that doesn't mean they're deluded or wanting to see something that's there that isn't.

 

If, for example, I was messing around with YOUR husband, would I not assume that you were in Lalaland too, when you post your monthly lovie selfies, would I not see that "sadness", that "frustration", that "I really do not want to be here" etched you your husbands face? Of course I would, as that is what he would be telling me about your marriage. I have insider knowledge, I know he cheats on you.

YOU see openness, honesty and happiness on his face, as that is what you want to see too.

Truth is, neither of us knows the real truth, only he knows that.

 

Even in that situation, if you saw sadness, frustration, and unhappiness in his face, you wouldn't be wrong. After all, he's having an affair. Either I'm not catching it, or I did catch it and I instead selected the best of the worst of the dozen pictures I took to put up.

 

Or, if we're post D-day, I'm for sure in the know about how things aren't great right now, which means if I'm putting up the lovey selfie, I'm for sure coming from a place of not-reality.

[Lady Hamilton]

I have to ask, though: why does it matter to you? Whether or not it's fake, real, somewhere in the middle....it's their life, their updates. I've found myself at times doing similar things, to be honest. And I realize what a waste of time it is. All this talk of "they don't call it fakebook for nothing"...I honestly think it says more about the commentators than it does the poster.

 

Well, when it was his wife posting the updates, it went to reinforcing just how not connected to reality his wife was.

 

If it's just some random person I know and they're soaking social media with pictures of their happy relationship that we all know to be as functional as a soup fork, it matters to me not at all.

 

Talk about your blissfully happy marriage, brag about playing poker with the Pope, then say you're having dinner with Superman. I know they're full of baloney. They know they're full of baloney. They know we know they're full of baloney. Clearly that doesn't bother them, so it's really not going to bother me either.

[ChickiePops]

In my specific case, I did know for a fact it was very much an act by the BW. In others cases, I'm sure they knew as well.

 

In a grander, more general sense, there are also certainly times where you know the picture is a slice of fake reality, not a representation of anything other than a persona.

 

While I don't think it's realistic to say that every picture is an act, I also don't think it's realistic to say that you never know it's an act either. There are plenty of times, either as a OW looking at her MM's feed, or just as a full time resident of reality, that you know the picture is not saying what they think it is.

 

Your specific case is one case out of millions. You can't judge every single case based on yours or mine or anyone else's.

 

I guess we will have to agree to disagree about this. I don't believe you can read people's entire lives through Facebook posts and I never will.

 

I'm glad it was helpful to the OP to see MM looking happy with his wife. That's really the only thing that matters here.

[anika99]

I guess I'm in the minority...

 

Whenever I looked at my MM wife's social media, I had two impressions...

 

"God, he looks miserable."

"Ok, his wife is really disconnected from anything that could pass as reality."

 

You seem to be talking out of both sides of your mouth here. On the one hand you believe photos of your MM and his wife accurately portrayed his marriage and at the same time you are insisting photos cannot be accurate portrayals and they are fake. If Facebook photos are all contrived and fake why bother posting that your MM looked miserable? The saddest aspect here are the people going onto the Facebook profiles of the BS and closely examining every photo the BS post trying to determine if the MM is really happy or not happy.

[ladydesigner]

Well all my photos on Fakebook are real. I like to post pictures of me and WH and our kids because we are a family and that is what families do. There is nothing fake about my Fakebook. I'm not going to post a picture of me crying after Dday...geeesh.

 

Anyways it's no one's business anyways what the hell happens on Fakebook. Any stalking from either side be that the OW or the BS is pain shopping and I get why people do it, just know when you do it it is not to make yourself feel better. It's best not to do it. Either that or don't get into a relationship with someone you know in fact is married.

[awkward]

I get that people want to post updates and photos that show them in a flattering light. Get the selfie just right, put the camera up higher, etc. I also get that some photos have an agenda.

 

Are the photos that OW and MM take together real? What if there is strife in their relationship? Are they fake then? How about OW who married MM. Are there photos fake? Do all of these people tell their kids smile or else? Does BW force MM to smile? If they don't smile does that prove they aren't happy. Have you ever taken a photo when the shutter was just a bit too early or too late? Analyzing these photos would get me nowhere.

 

Analyze why the picture bothers you rather than trying to guess how the subjects in the photo really feel.

[Lobe]

I *still* think the "reality check" here lays in the fact that SWN went on social media and saw that her MM had chosen his family over her and is posting photos publicly to that effect. Whether the pictures are real, whether their happiness is real, does not change that very simple fact.

[Red123]

I post pictures of my family mainly for our family and friends back home. We live pretty far from most of them so it is the easiest way for them to see what we are doing. I have good privacy settings so the photos are not public. I posted photos of H and during reconciliation that were happy photos. Those pictures were true, when they were taken we were having a good time and we felt happy. I didn't post pics of us crying and working through our pain, or pics of MC or any of the fights we had obviously. All of that was our real life at the time, including the good times in the pics. Just because people are struggling doesn't mean it's all bad all the time. The MOW was looking at our facebooks at first, but those pics were not put up for her to be devestated or to analyze, so we both blocked her.

[heartwhole]

I'm glad you've gotten further evidence that you made the right decision. I don't know many people who post pictures of themselves on Twitter -- you usually see that more on Instagram or Facebook. So I wonder if xMM was trying to throw it in your face?

 

During my husband's A, we took a trip just the two of us to the Caribbean for our anniversary. I remember discussing with him whether we should post pics on FB, and he said, well, he didn't want people to know our children were home without us (not like they were home alone, obviously, so what's the big deal?) and at the time I just thought, sure, so I didn't post anything. I generally just post pictures of the kids and as a self-satisfied introvert am not one to display my life to the world.

 

But after DD, of course, I felt differently. I wanted and expected WH to post pictures of us. That's one of the hurts that he has to make up for, that on a big wedding anniversary he didn't post a single thing even though he usually made our wedding pic his profile picture, and during the A he never posted a picture of me or us. Oh, how many flowing Thanksgiving and Mother's Day tributes I've gotten since then!

 

If anyone wants to look in from the outside and judge whether our life is fake or my happiness is false or whatnot, that's fine. My feeling is that posting a "what a wonderful father you are" message on Fathers' Day is part of participating in a virtuous cycle. Sure, he's not a wonderful father every second of every day. But he is often, and when I give him that feedback, it augments his desire to be so more. It's the same with a relationship. Sure, no relationship is sunshine and roses every second of the day, but positive messages help refocus our lives. Those who focus on the positive have better relationship outcomes, period. You see what you look for.

 

I think that often when an OW lashes out with "but their life is fake" upon seeing a happy picture of the M, it's because she can't make sense of the cognitive dissonance. She has invested so heavily in the narrative that he's totally unhappy with one foot out the door. But statistics and personal anecdotes I've read make me believe that most men do not intend to leave their marriages. Married women in affairs generally seem to be more ready to leave than their male counterparts.

 

I mean, dopey WH even said to me, "I was thinking how fun it's been to be married to you the last few weeks" (since that trip to the Caribbean and since I had weaned off my SSRI which was affecting my libido) on DD, as he spewed out various stream-of-consciousness thoughts that he would later think better of. So even while he was infatuated with the OW, he was simultaneously enjoying life with me. It's a fallacy to think that one makes the other impossible.

[oceansaway]

Happy couples don't have affairs. End of story

[LivingWaterPlease]

Being complicit in something hurtful and deceptive some would view as not really living a life authentically and with integrity. I mean sure technically you didnt break a vow or lie I suppose, but you are with someone who is doing so daily, and sleeping with a man who is legally hitched to another

 

At any rate...my point is, a BW posting a "happy family pic" when there might be strife at home really isnt THAT horrid of a thing as many OW would make it out to be. These type of comments about the BW participating in "Fakebook' and posting pics that arent indicative of the real life behind doors reeks of jealousy and bitterness on the OW part to be frank. Often towards a woman who has no clue she is being betrayed and is just going about living her regular life.

 

ALl that being said, I dont do facebook and its for the very reason as I dont care to be in that gamel. However it certainly be a wonderous tool for those unknowing OW whose MM has told her he is not married.

 

 

 

As a former BW I have to disagree with the bolded text.

 

I personally have seen a lot of "fakebook" by people who are neither (to my knowledge and I truly doubt they are ) BW or OW.

 

I had written more about this but deleted as it seems to me to be a thread jack of OP's post.

[ladydesigner]

Happy couples don't have affairs. End of story

 

You would be surprised. I don't think it has anything to do with being happy.

[sophinla]

The idea that happy marriage has got to be a one dimentional continuation of happiness is very naive. Marriage, even in good ones, like any other relationships or other aspects of life, has its ups and downs.

 

Everything on Facebook you see is TRUE and certainly not fake, but so is everything you don't see on Facebook. And people have the right to choose what they let you see in these kind of social media.

 

I just find it interesting that some people cannot understand human nature is never one dimensional, you just don't take anyone at their face value, common sense really.

[LivingWaterPlease]

 

Everything on Facebook you see is TRUE and certainly not fake,

 

If you believe this I've got the proverbial bridge to sell you...

[ChickiePops]

Happy couples don't have affairs. End of story

 

Cool, I'm glad you were able to decide this for everyone on the planet.

 

There are (more than 50) shades of gray to emotional situations. You don't get to choose whether or not a couple is happy regardless of whether or not infidelity has infiltrated their marriage. You can THINK whatever you want but that doesn't make you correct. That's why there are forums like this..so that we can take advantage of the many different viewpoints of people from all sides of a situation. Making definitive statements like this is completely pointless and silly.

[ladydesigner]

Cool, I'm glad you were able to decide this for everyone on the planet.

 

There are (more than 50) shades of gray to emotional situations. You don't get to choose whether or not a couple is happy regardless of whether or not infidelity has infiltrated their marriage. You can THINK whatever you want but that doesn't make you correct. That's why there are forums like this..so that we can take advantage of the many different viewpoints of people from all sides of a situation. Making definitive statements like this is completely pointless and silly.

 

True That!

 

Things aren't always black and white don't know how many times I've heard that one

[Sub]

Happy couples don't have affairs. End of story

 

M's where one of the spouses is having an A are not devoid of happiness.

[ChickiePops]

True That!

 

Things aren't always black and white don't know how many times I've heard that one

 

From BOTH sides.

 

The truth of the matter is that NOBODY can speak for EVERY SINGLE relationship on the planet, and trying to do so is actually hindering people's healing, not helping it. A BS who thinks her marriage is perfect when her husband is having an affair might not be correct, but an OW who thinks the marriage is in the toilet just because MM is having an affair with her might be wrong too.

 

Either way, if you try to rug sweep, you're only going to hurt yourself more, and rug sweeping works BOTH ways. An OW who thinks the marriage is terrible is only going to delude herself into thinking that he will eventually come back for her. A BS who refuses to acknowledge an affair is setting herself up to get hurt again.

 

OW cannot speak for the MM's marriage (doesn't matter if you ended up with the MM or not, if you know the BS or not..unless you slept in between them every single night, you do not know), BS cannot speak for the affair. MM cannot speak for his wife or the OW. Emotions are different on every side.

 

Again, that's why a forum like this is useful. Even the debates can be useful. I lurked for a long time before I joined and I have seen plenty of people actually change or soften or forgive or move on.

 

Definitive statements like that are harmful. Even the most delusional OWs and BSs should be able to admit that they don't know everything about everyone else's relationships.

[Teresa76]

I had this conversation a couple of nights ago with MM. I had blocked him on Facebook so I wouldn't have to see all of the happy pictures. He never posted anything...it was always her who tagged him in the posts. Anyway, he sends me a text asking why I blocked him. The conversation went like this:

 

Me: Does it matter? What do you want from me? You have a happy life so what is it? I honestly want to know.

 

Him: Happy Life? That's funny! You're on the outside looking in. If my life was so happy we would never had gotten close.

 

Me: I still don't understand it.

 

Him: It's called fronting. Do you understand it now?

 

Me: Well, you're doing a damn good job at fronting.

 

Him: Not just me. We, as in her and me. It's a lot of fronting going on. We're not the first and we wont be the last.

 

He went on to tell me that he had moved out a little while back. I hadn't spoken to him so I wouldn't have known. The wife has still been posting pics like they are in fact still together. So I checked it out and he did really move out. In this case, things turned out to be different than what they appeared.

[so what now]

I don`t think my OP was about them being happy or not so much it was about me not ignoring the fact that he IS married and he DOES have a wife.. I knew this anyway but I never accepted it on a cognitive level. He has never future faked, he has already told me he would not leave.. but he enjoyed the time we spent together and he did love me. and that was that.. it was me who switched off in my mind about his "other" life. and happy or not in the pic, it shows me HE HAS ANOTHER LIFE!! It was hugely beneficial for me to see it! to let that sink in!

 

I am not on Twitter, MM n I are not affiliated on-line in any form except email, so I don`t think for one min that he was trying to get tell me something about his life by his posting an "Usie" on his Twitter feed.

 

MM is seems proud of the fact he is this and that type of person.. he is and entrepreneur, he has a wife, he broadcasts his charity work, he perceives himself as well liked in his circle of companions and associates, drives a big massive truck so he is obvious on the road, he is a mason, he knows all sorts of people who care sort things (thugs). every time I talk to him he`s bragging about something!! and I think there is an element that he likes having a mistress to boot (obviously I cant know this to be true) it`s my perception.. because he seems (and this is my perception again) to work TOO hard to portray all his personal/public/professional attributes... like , look, looook at all these things I do, look at all these I have all these, things I`ve achieved, Im so great Ive got it all.. I even have a doting mistress! I GOT IT ALL.. You know like the like the reverse of "thou doth protest too hard"??

 

One thing that was telling to was when he told me had slept with a certain number of women before he married then said that`s "not bad for a fat guy"!?? now granted he is overweight but he`s not fat, he well over 6 foot and carries his weight well, he is a big presence but its seems that he is trying to prove his self worth to himself by what he does/is or has! if you get me? and his pic could have been part of that?? who knows?

 

To me it seems that he tries too hard to paint a picture of himself that he wants people to know so he feel good? better about himself??

He also once told me he never thought being married would be like this?? not sure what he meant but he said has never felt so pushed out and lonely. I think he came to me because I didn't push him away, I comforted some need in him and to some degree he may have insecurity issues? or maybe hes` just horny!! or both!!

 

Anyway I digress.. the acceptance because I have looked the pic and took in he is married and does have another life has been beneficial to me, I can not deny reality any more.. I know exactly where I stand/stood.. I cant pretend he was mine any more.. thats what the pic did!

Edited July 6, 2016 by so what now

[Poppy47]

I don`t think my OP was about them being happy or not so much it was about me not ignoring the fact that he IS married and he DOES have a wife.. I knew this anyway but I never accepted it on a cognitive level. He has never future faked, he has already told me he would not leave.. but he enjoyed the time we spent together and he did love me. and that was that.. it was me who switched off in my mind about his "other" life. and happy or not in the pic, it shows me HE HAS ANOTHER LIFE!! It was hugely beneficial for me to see it! to let that sink in!

 

I am not on Twitter, MM n I are not affiliated on-line in any form except email, so I don`t think for one min that he was trying to get tell me something about his life by his posting an "Usie" on his Twitter feed.

 

MM is seems proud of the fact he is this and that type of person.. he is and entrepreneur, he has a wife, he broadcasts his charity work, he perceives himself as well liked in his circle of companions and associates, drives a big massive truck so he is obvious on the road, he is a mason, he knows all sorts of people who care sort things (thugs). every time I talk to him he`s bragging about something!! and I think there is an element that he likes having a mistress to boot (obviously I cant know this to be true) it`s my perception.. because he seems (and this is my perception again) to work TOO hard to portray all his personal/public/professional attributes... like , look, looook at all these things I do, look at all these I have all these, things I`ve achieved, Im so great Ive got it all.. I even have a doting mistress! I GOT IT ALL.. You know like the like the reverse of "thou doth protest too hard"??

 

One thing that was telling to was when he told me had slept with a certain number of women before he married then said that`s "not bad for a fat guy"!?? now granted he is overweight but he`s not fat, he well over 6 foot and carries his weight well, he is a big presence but its seems that he is trying to prove his self worth to himself by what he does/is or has! if you get me? and his pic could have been part of that?? who knows?

 

To me it seems that he tries too hard to paint a picture of himself that he wants people to know so he feel good? better about himself??

He also once told me he never thought being married would be like this?? not sure what he meant but he said has never felt so pushed out and lonely. I think he came to me because I didn't push him away, I comforted some need in him and to some degree he may have insecurity issues? or maybe hes` just horny!! or both!!

 

Anyway I digress.. the acceptance because I have looked the pic and took in he is married and does have another life has been beneficial to me, I can not deny reality any more.. I know exactly where I stand/stood.. I cant pretend he was mine any more.. thats what the pic did!

 

It's called cognitive dissonance... Google it. I believe a lot of people in affairs are suffering from it.

Poppy

[so what now]

It's called cognitive dissonance... Google it. I believe a lot of people in affairs are suffering from it.

Poppy

 

Yeah I know.. and its no wonder really, when words don`t match actions or vice versa from either party..