Jump to content

Division of Household Responsibilities?


Recommended Posts

thekatsmeow

Hey Loveshack! Occasional lurker and first time poster here...

 

tl;dr: How do you divide up the responsibilities in your marriage or long term relationship? Particularly interested in insight from couples with young children who have one parent that stays home....

 

My husband and I have two kids (4&2). I (32/f) work outside of the home, and I am 100% the breadwinner. He (33/M) is a stay-at-home dad and aspiring professional artist.

 

We have this issue where both of us apparently feel like the other is not pulling their weight in the relationship. I was just curious as to how others split up responsibility. Do working spouses have hobbies outside of work and home? Does the stay-at-home parent do all of the grocery shopping? Et cetera.

 

I am just looking for what works for different families in terms of balance.

 

Since I want "clean data", I will post what our breakdown looks like after some other responses.

Link to post
Share on other sites
hellischrome

Hi! We are a long term expat couple, I (F/29) work full time and my SO (M/36) stays home (he's been unemployed for almost a year, not by choice, we moved a few months ago to another country for my job). No children, but I am sure the situation wouldn't differ much if we had any, we already discussed and agreed on it.

 

I do not have any individual hobbies outside work and home because I don't have much free time - therefore we try to do things together when we can (ex. play tennis together, go hiking, movies etc.). We do all the social activities and events as a couple (we wouldn't mind doing it separately, it just doesn't happen).

 

My SO does the cleaning, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, paying bills, taking care of the money on a regular basis - I help out with cooking and cleaning on weekends.

 

In a few months we might be moving back - I will keep my job and he will be unemployed, therefore the situation will be the same. Once he gets a job, we'll adjust our tasks (I will be working from home, therefore I am happy to take on more household responsibilities). As we will be back in our regular social circle, we'll both have individual hobbies and social events again.

 

Hope this helps!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
My husband and I have two kids (4&2). I (32/f) work outside of the home, and I am 100% the breadwinner. He (33/M) is a stay-at-home dad and aspiring professional artist.

 

My kids are no longer young but they were born close together so, like you, at one time we had two little ones. I worked, we were fortunate to be able to have my wife be a SAHM, devoted to our kids.

 

On that basis, her day was taken up with child-based activities and we just accepted our house would have that "kid zone" look. We cleaned and did errands together on Saturday and Sunday was family day, we did activities as a group. Individual hobbies were simply put on hold or ignored until the kids were old enough to do their own thing. Busy time but some of the best years of our lives. There wasn't really a "her" or "me", there was an "us". Maybe that's what made it so enjoyable :) ....

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm a carer for our disabled child and my husband is the full time worker.

 

My duties are cooking, cleaning, washing, school things - general mum stuff. Hubby mows, fixes IT stuff, helps me with the kitchen after dinner and sometimes irons while watching cricket.

 

We are both responsible for picking up after ourselves. I sometimes do groceries on my own and sometimes he comes with me on a weekend for companionship.

 

We both have hobbies outside the home. Over the years he's been on indoor soccer teams, tennis or doing guitar lessons. I mostly fit my hobbies in during the day but at present I'm doing a one term adult education course at night.

 

The one thing which is different between the two of you and us is that your hubby is working towards being a professional artist. This should be viewed as a job. No different to if he was a full time student. In this case, I'd probably split the work pro-rata according to how many hours per week each of you works. If he works 20hpw in the studio and you do 50hpw in the office, then he'd be expected to do a lot more around the house than you do, but not all of it.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
thekatsmeow

I think I am just frustrated because I think I pull my weight. I don't have any major complaints on what he does/doesn't do because I have also been the stay at home parent.

 

He does:

 

  • 100% of the childcare from the time they get up (usually betgween 7:30 or 8) until I get home in the evening (usually between 5 and 6). The exception to this is that during the school year, we had a babysitter come every Friday so he could have a break. Now that both of our kids are in a MWF summer camp from 9-12- I cut that expense since he is getting a 9 hour break cumulative.
  • 100% of the yard work
  • 100% of setting up playdates during the week
  • Most of the kids laundry plus all of his. I help fold laundry with him, and when we have a date night- the sitter will usually get all of their laundry done.
  • His weekly hours in the studio range from 0-15. With the median probably being closer to 0 than 15.

I do:

 

  • I make all of the money and handle all of the finances.
  • I make the weekly meal plan and grocery list, as well as telling him which things he needs to prepare during the day. That only happens about 50% of the time. I really want him to take over this responsibility. This is one of current sticking points.
  • I do all of the actual cleaning- bathrooms, floors, kitchen, dusting. We do about 50/50 on daily tasks such as dishes and vacuuming.
  • As soon as I get home, I jump in with the kids and cook everyone dinner. We divide and conquer dishes and bathtime, and we then put the kids to bed. Maybe 2 days/per month- I am not home from work until a bit later.
  • I take the lead on the kids every weekend. But, the weekends are not our issue.

I guess I am just really frustrated. I recently expressed that I wanted to get back into climbing again by starting back at our local indoor gym. They are not open early mornings, so I wanted to have two week night evenings during the week (preferably days where he has had a break from the kids) to get back into some of the hobbies that I have enjoyed my whole life. Now that our youngest is out of diapers and they don't need as much constant attention- I really want for both of us to get back into some of the things that we find fulfilling.

 

 

 

He flipped out about it. I think our kids are in a great place right now, and me not getting home until bedtime two nights per week wouldn't be harmful to them- in my opinion. Well, I also want to cede my kitchen manager title...but that will probably never happen.

 

 

 

Sorry for the random rambling.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
thekatsmeow

Thanks for the responses by the way. I can't figure out how to quote, but all of these are helpful.

Maybe I am not doing quite enough, I could get up earlier and have breakfast ready for everyone before I leave for the office.

Link to post
Share on other sites

[*]His weekly hours in the studio range from 0-15. With the median probably being closer to 0 than 15.

 

In this case, he should be doing much more. At the very least, kitchen and food planning should be his domain.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I just remembered! When our son was at school, I was able to work about 12-15hpw during school days. I still did the home duties because my hours weren't anywhere near what my husband was working.

 

I think he's taking advantage of your good nature.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I think I am just frustrated because I think I pull my weight. I don't have any major complaints on what he does/doesn't do because I have also been the stay at home parent.

 

He does:

 

  • 100% of the childcare from the time they get up (usually betgween 7:30 or 8) until I get home in the evening (usually between 5 and 6). The exception to this is that during the school year, we had a babysitter come every Friday so he could have a break. Now that both of our kids are in a MWF summer camp from 9-12- I cut that expense since he is getting a 9 hour break cumulative.
  • 100% of the yard work
  • 100% of setting up playdates during the week
  • Most of the kids laundry plus all of his. I help fold laundry with him, and when we have a date night- the sitter will usually get all of their laundry done.
  • His weekly hours in the studio range from 0-15. With the median probably being closer to 0 than 15.

I do:

 

  • I make all of the money and handle all of the finances.
  • I make the weekly meal plan and grocery list, as well as telling him which things he needs to prepare during the day. That only happens about 50% of the time. I really want him to take over this responsibility. This is one of current sticking points.
  • I do all of the actual cleaning- bathrooms, floors, kitchen, dusting. We do about 50/50 on daily tasks such as dishes and vacuuming.
  • As soon as I get home, I jump in with the kids and cook everyone dinner. We divide and conquer dishes and bathtime, and we then put the kids to bed. Maybe 2 days/per month- I am not home from work until a bit later.
  • I take the lead on the kids every weekend. But, the weekends are not our issue.

I guess I am just really frustrated. I recently expressed that I wanted to get back into climbing again by starting back at our local indoor gym. They are not open early mornings, so I wanted to have two week night evenings during the week (preferably days where he has had a break from the kids) to get back into some of the hobbies that I have enjoyed my whole life. Now that our youngest is out of diapers and they don't need as much constant attention- I really want for both of us to get back into some of the things that we find fulfilling.

 

 

 

He flipped out about it. I think our kids are in a great place right now, and me not getting home until bedtime two nights per week wouldn't be harmful to them- in my opinion. Well, I also want to cede my kitchen manager title...but that will probably never happen.

 

I think you are doing more than enough of the housework, and he should be doing more.

 

That being said, I think he is understandably lonely and desiring adult contact, and perhaps a little jealous that he is stuck at home with the kids every day and every evening, and you are spending your days out of the house, and now wanting to spend 2 evenings a week out of the house as well. I'm not saying you're wrong for wanting to do that, just guessing his POV on that.

 

My suggestions:

1) He pick up more of the necessary duties like cleaning, but you both also try to cut down the unnecessary work. What are you eating that needs so much prep during the day? Could you invest in a food processor and/or use simple recipes that take only about 10 min of prep?

2) You get one evening out of the house while he watches the kids, and he also gets one evening out by himself while you watch the kids.

3) Did you both discuss the Friday evening babysitter before you made the decision to cut off that expense?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
thekatsmeow
I just remembered! When our son was at school, I was able to work about 12-15hpw during school days. I still did the home duties because my hours weren't anywhere near what my husband was working.

 

I think he's taking advantage of your good nature.

 

He pretty much uses the time they are in preschool/summer camp to run some errands or go for a run and have a leisurely coffee.

 

He only paints at night after the kids go down.

 

I am not sure that he is consciously taking any kind of advantage over me, but it certainly feels that way sometimes.

 

He is an amazing father and does such an incredible job with our kids, and I feel really bad that I am not there for them physically as much as I used to be.

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
thekatsmeow
I think you are doing more than enough of the housework, and he should be doing more.

 

That being said, I think he is understandably lonely and desiring adult contact, and perhaps a little jealous that he is stuck at home with the kids every day and every evening, and you are spending your days out of the house, and now wanting to spend 2 evenings a week out of the house as well. I'm not saying you're wrong for wanting to do that, just guessing his POV on that.

 

My suggestions:

1) He pick up more of the necessary duties like cleaning, but you both also try to cut down the unnecessary work. What are you eating that needs so much prep during the day? Could you invest in a food processor and/or use simple recipes that take only about 10 min of prep?

2) You get one evening out of the house while he watches the kids, and he also gets one evening out by himself while you watch the kids.

3) Did you both discuss the Friday evening babysitter before you made the decision to cut off that expense?

1) He pick up more of the necessary duties like cleaning, but you both also try to cut down the unnecessary work. What are you eating that needs so much prep during the day? Could you invest in a food processor and/or use simple recipes that take only about 10 min of prep?

 

Nothing that needs a lot of prep. We eat a pretty paleo diet- so there is lots of chopping. We add grains, potatoes, and similar for our children's meals. We have a garden. I just want him to go out and pick some veggies for dinner, wash them, chop them if hes feeling frisky, and maybe throw some chicken in some marinade. Sometimes it gets done, sometimes it does. Then it kind of throws our evening routine off with the kids. During the winter, I was making a lot of crockpot soups and such before leaving for work- and that helped considerably.

2) You get one evening out of the house while he watches the kids, and he also gets one evening out by himself while you watch the kids.

 

This is what I want! I've started kicking him out to go bike with friends every Tuesday this spring and summer because I know its important to him, and I enjoy how happy it makes him.

3) Did you both discuss the Friday evening babysitter before you made the decision to cut off that expense?

 

We did discuss it. He agreed, but I sometimes thinks he just tells me what I want to hear. Our oldest was in preschool M-Th in the mornings, and our youngest went on Tuesdays during the school year. Then on Fridays, we would have a sitter come from 9-3 so he could have some free time to work on whatever project or leisure prospect that would suit him. With the kids BOTH out of the house for 9 hours/week for the summer, we (I think) agreed that since we were spending so much on the summer camps- we would try to save some money there. We still have a date night at least a couple of times per month as well. I try to give him some time on the weekends to do whatever he wants- but usually we do stuff as a family.

And I totally know how isolating being a stay at home parent can be. I suffered from pretty rough PPD with both of my children, and that made things seem unbearable at times. I think that is sparking a lot of my recent desire to branch out a bit. I really feel like I've come through the other side with those issues. So, I give him a ton of leeway in that area. Fortunately for him, he is much better at making friends with the other preschool parents than I am- so he and the kids constantly have play dates with friends. Hes more of an extrovert and I am the socially awkward one...at least until I get a little bit comfortable.

 

Thank you for replying! Happy Fourth!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I work 8 hours at my job on the weekends for a total 16 hour work week. My husband works a 9-5, but often brings his work home with him.

 

It's easiest to sum up our domestic duties with what he does: he does the yard and manages our investments. Those are his set in stone jobs.

 

I do the cooking, cleaning, meal planning, appointments, bill paying, etc.

 

We both are on childcare duty. We don't consider our daughter's basic needs a chore. So we take turns bathing, feeding, diapering, and putting her to sleep. Some things one of us will do more often than the other (I feed her more often, he puts her to bed and manages her hygiene more than I) but for the most part childcare is 50/50.

 

He is pretty lax. Anything I ask him to do he does without complaint, which is why I don't mind doing the bulk of the work, because I know he is there to help if I ask.

 

We have always grocery shopped together, but sometimes I will go on my own. He likes to go with me.

 

Husband has TONS of hobbies, most have to do with computers. He devotes a lot of time to his hobbies, but so do I. We also share some hobbies.

 

I do have an expectation of him to clean when I work. That's hit and miss, because his level of cleanliness is not on par with mine. But he tries.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow, did you just say your husband is an aspiring artist, that he gets closer to 0 hours working in his field, but a maximum of 15 hours a week, and the rest of the time he handling the kiddos or doing chores.... and you want him to do more chores?

 

 

I think I may have a better idea than dividing up chores like that... work on ways to REDUCE chores altogether. Buy a Roomba, hire a teenager to cut the grass, etc. etc.

 

 

I've got three kids, and both me and my wife work. I know what it's like to feel like you've got zero personal time and zero grownup time. The date night thing you guys have going is great, definitely keep that up if you can.

 

 

We do a cleaning day after church on Sundays. All the major cleaning stuff for the week (i.e. vacuuming, cat litter, laundry, mowing. bathrooms, etc etc) all done on one day. Course, there's the dishes and the toys that still get left everywhere every single day.... Little kids are like tiny tornados. But orchestrating the day for the major chores to one where we are both are at home and can divide and conquer on chore day.

Link to post
Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise

I would be annoyed at the slacking off on food prep thing since that would throw off my expectations and routine. That being said, maybe there is a reason he does not seem invested in this task. Maybe the preparation feels like too much for him? Perhaps hed be willing to help out more with dinner if he had more more say over the processs. Can you let him take over the meals a few days a week, and let him decide what to cook and how/ when?

 

Re: the rock climbing, of course its healthy for you to have independent hobbies, but I think going from 0 to 2 nights per week might be a big change, and I can understand why your husband would feel like youre sticking him with the kids for even longer. Can you start with 1 day, and perhaps find a joint hobby for the other? Or somehing you can do with the kids if babysitting is hars to come by.

 

Based on your description, I think your husband could also help out with cleaning more. Or, perhaps you can invest in some help to free up some time.

 

Are you happy with your arrangement whereby you are the sole breadwinner? I ask because it sounds like there is some resentment that perhaps extends beyond the issues with the division of chores. What were your expectations for his career/ artistic pursuits when you decided that he would be a sahd?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

In my observation men tend to be slackers when it comes to household chores. Really makes us all look bad. Way to often the wife or SO works a job as well and then by some imaginary default the housework falls in her dept too. Then how many times do you hear Bubba complains about lack of a sex life.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

i am a stay at home mom but i am also a student. It is incredibly challenging because I have to learn to time manage, any slip in schedule changing will result in chaos. I do all responsibilities cooking, cleaning, laundry and errands. my hubbies worked m-th so that leaves fridays for him to help with errands though. and he doesnt expect for home meals on the weekends.Im up early during the week getting everything done while kids are in school. that way when i am home i have time for my family. having the same schedule in a marriage is extremely important.

being at home is not as easy as people assume it to be. most days i am more busy than my husband is. sometimes i feel it was easier when i worked full time because i just go to work and com home and don't do anything. as opposed to now, i am always busy. its important to find a mutual ground.

 

when i did work full time and he worked full time our duties were split differently. he helped out cleaning up after dinner, and helped get kids ready for bed. other than that i did errands on my lunch break and prepped for dinner the night before. it might help to throw in a load of laundry and dishes over night or before you leave the house.

 

if you have oder children assign them duties. my son is 7, everyday he takes out the trash and cleans the table after dinner and washes some dishes. not a lot but its a little bit that goes a long way.

best of luck

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...