Ex Partner's Sister

[samjohnson]

I find myself in somewhat of a messed up situation.

 

Long story (hopefully) short, I’m 33 and was with my ex-partner for 12 years. We didn’t marry, no children and I’ve never cheated. We broke up mutually around 12 months ago due to a combination of factors. A major one (which I’ve never been able to tell a living soul) being below.

We share the same group of friends and still remain close and see each other often. As far as I’m aware she hasn’t been seeing anyone else.

 

During this 14 year relationship, I formed a close emotional bond with her sister (31). The sisters are very close and both stunning. They are similar in looks and in some personality traits, but different in others.

 

Somehow over the last couple of years I’ve developed stronger more intimate feelings for her sister. I can only put this down to her filling the mental void I lost with my ex and she became my confidant for my failing relationship and other life factors. These feelings honestly go deeper than just lust and the ‘forbidden fruit’ theory, there is a connection there. I tried to forget about her and distance myself, but it’s impossible if she is/was around constantly. Every time I see her it’s back to square one. Her sister has been in a relationship for 5 years also.

 

I’m sure her sister has similar feelings. I’m not expert on body language but I’m not stupid. Towards the end of my relationship and when I’ve seen her recently (she was drunk) she admitted that “it should be us two together” and that she was envious of my relationship. There have been quite a few other signs aswell both mental and physical. I’ve just kept my mouth firmly closed despite a strong desire to admit my feelings to her. There is no way on Earth I could have said anything and potentially cause un-doable damage.

 

My ex has now noticed how her sister and I act around each other recently, so I’m obviously giving off signals aswell and she says it’s weird situation. I’m totally aware of the situation and in complete agreement! But I can’t help the way I feel? I don’t want my life to be defined on a Gerry Springer show, not to mention the family and reputational damage.

My ex has also said that the sister and I should just be together as it’s obvious we have feelings for each other. But I’m not naïve enough to count this as a blessing.

 

So I’ve decided to try and do the best thing in this situation, which is to just quit my job and get away from both of them. It’s that serious. It’s only be a matter of time before something gives way and a family (who I love/loved as my own) is in turmoil. Not to mention the pain i'm probably causing my ex

 

It’s torture to have never been able to tell her my feelings, when deep down we both feel the same way. I know that neither of us would ever act on these feelings due to the circumstances/consequences if we did.

 

I haven’t gone into great detail on some major points about the reasons for breakup, underlying issues and connection with the sister as I don’t want to sound like I’m making excuses for my thoughts. I’ll just say that I’ve shared more drama/loss/happiness/grief with her sister over the years than most actual couples and families, and over time things just got to this stage.

 

I suppose the question I’m asking is…before I leave, do I speak to the sister? For my own sanity I think I need to? But I care about her too much to burden her with such a confession.

 

I also know there is no real chance we could ever really be together, but im also certain I’ll never have such a strong connection with any the woman as long as I live.

 

Life in solitude awaits…..

 

(I’m 99.9% sure this isn’t an evil trap by the way)

[BuddyX]

"3.5 billion women out there, just in case you feel she's irreplaceable"

 

Trust me, they're better women out there. You just need to take off the blinders.

[anika99]

You do not need to tell her anything. Confessing feelings is always the first step to starting the affair and you said you don't want to act on those feelings so spilling your guts to the sister serves no purpose.

 

If you and your ex don't have kids then by all means move away and start a new life for yourself. There is no reason to stay emeshed in that family. You have broken with your ex and it's time for you to move on. Hanging around your ex's family and pining for her sister is lame and pointless.

[pooldog]

I would tell her because she is not married and what do you have to lose? You did not marry her sister or have kids and the sister that's your ex seems amenable to it. Plus you broke up with her a year ago. Let there be light.

[malvern99]

Moving away and starting fresh seems like the best thing for your situation because dating your ex's sister is just... just no. Good luck.

[loveisanaction]

You do not need to tell her sister anything. There will always be someone that you have that special connection with however, your ex's sister is off limits. You were with your ex for 12 years and even though the two of you never married or had children that's 12 years of commitment that she gave to you; some marriages don't even last that long. Do not disregard those years because you have feelings for her sister.

 

Love is not in taking it is in giving. Give respect, give peace and give honor to the woman who is now your ex.

 

Move away and do not tell your ex's sister anything. You owe your ex that much. This isn't about you, it's not about your ex's sister, it's about your ex. The woman you spent 12 years with, the very same woman you must have loved deeply otherwise you wouldn't have been with her for so many years. You move away without saying anything to her sister out of respect for those years spent together.

 

Learn how to say 'No' to yourself. If you truly do have feelings for your ex's sister you will move away from her because causing her pain will cause her sister (your ex) the same amount of pain and you do not cause that gravity of pain to someone who invested in you 12 years of her life.

[Lobe]

I suppose the question I’m asking is…before I leave, do I speak to the sister? For my own sanity I think I need to? But I care about her too much to burden her with such a confession.

 

xSIL or not, the object of your affection is not single - that's your first clue that you need to back off. If she is into you and you "confess," you're opening the door to the relationship starting and putting her in a position to have to betray her partner. Even if she leaves him to start a relationship with you, your X and her X are going to be hurt and pissed. It's selfish to tell her, and for your own sanity you need to pull your head out of the fog (or your backside) and move on.

 

I also know there is no real chance we could ever really be together, but im also certain I’ll never have such a strong connection with any the woman as long as I live.

 

The funny thing about limerence is that it can lay waste to every shred of common sense and decency you possess. The bare facts are that only reason you'll never have as strong a connection with any other woman as long as you live is because you have built this woman into an unsustainable, unattainable fantasy. You honestly think that your true soulmate just happens to be the person you've exchanged ego kibble with under your sister's nose for years? I think you hit the nail on the head when you said she is "forbidden fruit." You've tried to brush past that aspect of it, but I think that's exactly where you should focus. Sisters. So cliche.

 

Life in solitude awaits…..

 

I am not going to say NC necessarily needs to be a condition here but definitely extreme LC... You need to let your infatuation with this girl dissipate for solitude to come, which will only come with time and space. When/if she breaks it off with her partner and she comes to look you up, then you can proceed, with caution, with a lot of open conversation with your ex as her feelings about you dating her sister will need to be tended to. In the meantime, ride off into the sunset and set your sights on new adventure. Be grateful you're dodging a bullet right now.

[Lobe]

I would tell her because she is not married and what do you have to lose? You did not marry her sister or have kids and the sister that's your ex seems amenable to it. Plus you broke up with her a year ago. Let there be light.

 

Pooldog, the woman he want to get with is in a 5-year LTR - she is off limits, regardless of whether she's family or not.

[whichwayisup]

Leave it alone. Neither of you need to 'talk' about it, its only for the ego. Nothing will ever come of it so just distance yourself and push the feelings for the sister away.

[samjohnson]

Thanks guys. I know you're right and I just need to forget her for the sake of everyone involved. My deluded mind just needed confirmation from a neutrals perspective. Still doesn't make it easy, but at least it's only me hurting and not several other innocent parties.

 

Makes me think a lot more clearly getting other people's opinion. I've been stuck for people to speak to for a while. It's crazy how feelings can effect your better judgement. I've never hurt a soul in my life, but was actually contemplating something so immoral it doesn't best thinking about.

 

I've tried to to resolve this in the most diplomatic way possible, and if that means me starting a new life alone then sobeit. I'm lucky to have the option.

At least I'm being true to myself now and not caused any 'major' damage (as far as I'm aware) and can leave with some dignity still intact.

 

Times a healer etc and I'm a big believer in fate...so let's see what happens. At least I have an insight into the type of woman I need in my life.

 

Hopefully I can update this thread at some point with good news.

[Lobe]

Hopefully I can update this thread at some point with good news.

 

Good luck on your new adventure. May the next woman you fall in love with be a) single and b) not related

 

PS You sound like a totally decent individual. Thanks for restoring my faith in the human race a little bit.

[DKT3]

The mind does funny things, after my divorce I dated a woman who could have been the wife's younger sister, I mean physically they were so similar it's scary. In time it became clear I was in it for the parts that reminded me of the ex. Trying to recreate magic....

 

This can get super messy for years to come, glad to see your trying to move on.

[minimariah]

to be honest - i think you should tell her; she isn't single but she isn't married with children either + she feels the same strong connection as you do. that's the point of dating anyway; you should tell her and see what she has to say. if she says that she doesn't feel the same... move on. if she says that she needs time, give her some kind of timeframe and stick with it. if she says she does feel the same but doesn't want to leave her relationship OR tries to start an affair - move on. if that's the woman who is so special to you - then yeah, it's worthy of a try.

 

i've had a similar situation in my own family & it all worked out. it doesn't need to be messy at all betweem her sister & you two - folks do move on.

[Lobe]

she isn't single but she isn't married with children either

 

I'd just like to point out that married/not married or kids/no kids is not necessarily the primary indicator of how serious a relationship is for a large portion of the population. Taken is taken, and this isn't high school. If I was the sister's BF I would be SUPER pissed if my exBIL (commonlaw counts) of FIVE YEARS started making passes at my long term partner. Telling her is selfish. If she is in love too, then the onus is on her to make herself single and available BEFORE not AFTER OP makes a play.

[noelle303]

to be honest - i think you should tell her; she isn't single but she isn't married with children either + she feels the same strong connection as you do. that's the point of dating anyway; you should tell her and see what she has to say. if she says that she doesn't feel the same... move on. if she says that she needs time, give her some kind of timeframe and stick with it. if she says she does feel the same but doesn't want to leave her relationship OR tries to start an affair - move on. if that's the woman who is so special to you - then yeah, it's worthy of a try.

 

i've had a similar situation in my own family & it all worked out. it doesn't need to be messy at all betweem her sister & you two - folks do move on.

 

I thought I was going to be the only one saying this. LOL

 

Anyway, I think you should talk about these feelings with the sister. See where she stands and how she sees the situation.

 

Tbh, I've seen messier things work out if people act respectfully and maturely. Your ex already senses something, otherwise she wouldn't have said what she said. For all you know, she could actually be ok with this after the initial weirdness passes. As long as nothing is actually done behind her back.

 

You should also wait until she is definitely single.

[Lobe]

I think you should talk about these feelings with the sister. See where she stands and how she sees the situation.

 

I must be too old or traditional or something. I guess in this day and age we should be OK with telling people we are in love with them even if they are taken. My husband shouldn't mind if a guy comes over and offers me a fallback if I decide I'm not into my husband, and I should just be totally cool about some chick coming up to my husband and saying hey, look - I'm into you, we can hook up if you wanna...

 

Oh wait. Right. That did happen. Affairs happen, just like that, in increments. For me, the line was crossed and it was a really sh*tty life-altering situation.

 

Has anyone considered that maybe the sister he wants to hit on doesn't actually want to have to make a choice? Telling her confuses things for her and opens up a door of opportunity that ought not be opened. Maybe go read the book NOT "Just Friends" - there's some good insight to be found there.

 

OP, if you have an ounce of respect for your former LTR, for her sister's LTR, and the family you could potentially rip apart, I still vote you run like the wind. If the sister can't live without you, she will declare as much and leave her LTR of her own accord at which time you can navigate the mucky waters of the family situation with a completely clear conscience.

[minimariah]

Taken is taken...

 

i disagree; to ME... dating & being married + kids do NOT hold the same weight. and i don't really see anything wrong with the OP approaching the sister and telling her how he feels. if she feels something, too... then that says a lot about her relationship and it is up to her to make further decisions. it can definitely be done with dignity and without an affair. if she doesn't feel a thing...? she'll reject the OP and move on without giving it a second thought.

 

that might sound harsh and it probably is... but the fact that they already had some kind of EA speaks volumes about her relationship (we'll assume that her feelings are indeed as strong as the OP thinks they are). should the OP give up a chance of being in an amazing relationship and possibly having a family with this woman because she's taken...? i don't think so. the chances he'll meet another amazing woman who'll happen to be single at the same time while HE's single... that's a bit unrealistic. i see people dumping others because they met someone new all the time and it most definitely does work out; that's the point of dating anyway and that's a lot different than having an affair while taking your time and hurting everyone more than neccessary.

 

also - sure, it is on her to dump her BF before the OP says a word. but that's not entirely realistic. if she does feel something, she is probably confused and conflicted and having her know that the feelings are mutual and that she has that support from the OP is more than welcomed in situations like these.

 

just to be clear - i'm taking about a simple CONVERSATION here. not courting, seducing and so on. i see nothing bad about it and if i were the sister's boyfriend... i wouldn't be concerned at all. if the relationship is rock solid, he has nothing to worry about... no? i couldn't care less if someone tells my partner they love him; bring it on, girl! if you think that's the man of your dreams... don't let ME stop you. if he falls for it, our relationship was doomed anyway so you really just did me a favour before we married and had kids. that's how i look at it.

Edited July 4, 2016 by minimariah

[Lobe]

I think where I feel your logic is contradictory is that they are already in the early stages of the affair fog. Affairs happen in increments, and should they both continue in this vein instead of walking away so they both know if it's real or just "forbidden fruit" they both may do something regrettable.

 

But like I said, maybe I'm just too old and traditional - I think you should never tend another man's garden, even when there's no lock on the gate.

[minimariah]

I think where I feel your logic is contradictory is that they are already in the early stages of the affair fog.

 

i don't look at it as the affair fog - i look at it as the sign that her relationship might be emotionally over but the habit + obligation are holding her in. maybe she actually WILL break it off if the OP talks to her and they'll build something of their own - this happens a lot more than folks think in the dating world.

 

it seems like their feelings are real, not something that came from the forbidden fruit tale.

 

But like I said, maybe I'm just too old and traditional - I think you should never tend another man's garden, even when there's no lock on the gate.

 

i feel like there's nothing wrong with talking to the obviously unhappy gardener and offering them a new job if they're interested.

 

remember - you can always say no.

[Lobe]

i feel like there's nothing wrong with talking to the obviously unhappy gardener and offering them a new job if they're interested.

 

Unhappy, yes, but there is no indication that the sister is unhappy... or if she is unhappy, it could be that she is rewriting her relationship history to accommodate/justify the pending affair.

 

I'm just suggesting a cooling off period instead of throwing fuel on the fire.

[minimariah]

Unhappy, yes, but there is no indication that the sister is unhappy...

 

? but if there IS fire - then she isn't happy. if there is a strong mutual connection (even noticed by other folks)... than she's obviously isn't happy and fully satisfied in her current relationship. if she was, the cracks for someone else to fill wouldn't be there.

 

the fact that there is an EA is a pretty obvious sign that she isn't happy; affairs don't happen in vacuum.

[samjohnson]

I'm really close to the family, the dad still calls me to hang out after the breakup. It's a bit awkward considering I only met him via his daughter. But we get on well, as you would after 12 years. Again no way I'd want to cause upset to him.

 

Regardless of whether the family would accept it (my parents and more recently their mother are deceased by the way, just to add more emotion). It's the gossiping that I couldn't bear. Any relationship would have to be away from our home and her family to suceed. I couldn't suggest that (and she wouldn't go for it either). No way am I more important than her family.

 

Regarding her current relationship, he's a top bloke and I've always got on well with him but we don't really hangout socially that often. I just get the impression from her it's more of a physical relationship and she is lacking in the emotional side at times.

 

We are both basically emotionally cheating, but it's way more me than her. That's a pretty bad crime in itself and will only boil over given time.

 

I'm leaving tomorrow anyway, if she does have feelings it will become apparent over the next few months and she'll know the ball is in her court now? I've sort of made my move etc

 

I just won't contact her and try to get on with my life in the meantime.

 

Stranger things have happened, but is it worth the mess. I don't think so. I just need to find 'the one' pronto to dodge this potential life wrecking bullet !

[Lobe]

? but if there IS fire - then she isn't happy. if there is a strong mutual connection (even noticed by other folks)... than she's obviously isn't happy and fully satisfied in her current relationship. if she was, the cracks for someone else to fill wouldn't be there.

 

the fact that there is an EA is a pretty obvious sign that she isn't happy; affairs don't happen in vacuum.

 

Uh, that sounds like a cheater justifying following their genitals... lol

 

By that logic, since I'm not always happy and satisfied in my marriage, I can go bang some dude who I spend enough time ignoring my primary relationship to develop feelings for... it's a bit chicken or egg here...

[samjohnson]

And not one mention of my ex's feelings in the post above?

 

Goes to show how deluded and selfish I'm being.

 

Nice one guys, if I hadn't have vented this, I'd have probably got drunk and told her.

[minimariah]

I don't think so.

 

in that case - you've made your decision and you need to stick with it. go NC, move away and start over! you do whatever you feel is right for YOU & compliments your moral system, principles and so on.