The inevitable happened

[alsudduth]

Well, the inevitable happened. My husband found out I was talking to another guy.

 

I have been trying to end it with the OM for some time and it was proving difficult. My husband found a text message from him so I came clean and told him that I had been talking to him and was aware that there was no excuse.

 

I'm not here to try and make excuses for myself or be told that it's ok. I just need an outlet to talk because I'm tying to give my husband some space to sort his feelings.

 

Few things to point out -

this was not a PA but an EA.

the OM lives in my hometown not in the state I live now

I blocked his number this morning so as not to be tempted by texts or calls I may receive from him

 

My husband says that part of him doesn't care what I do with this guy, that I am going to do what I'm going to do, and he'll do what he's going to do.

 

I told him that I don't feel like that is the best way to go about fixing this. I told him that I loved him, and he said I should spend some time considering if that is actually true or not.

I did tell him that it was true, and that I went about trying to solve a problem in our relationship in the wrongest way possible. If you read my other threads you will get some insight into our marriage troubles.

 

I understand that regardless of the problems an affair is never the answer. I was completely wrong. any ideas on how to fix this? We have been planning a move back to our home state (though is a different city). My husband says if we move back to our home state that I would no longer be allowed to visit my hometown alone. at this point I'm so ashamed that I would agree to just about anything he asked of me.

[Satu]

snip

 

*I have been trying to end it with the OM for some time and it was proving difficult. My husband found a text message from him so I came clean and told him that I had been talking to him and was aware that there was no excuse.

 

 

*If you really wanted to end it, you'd just end it.

 

But you don't, so you haven't.

 

 

Take care.

[Lobe]

I think it's deluded to think an affair has less impact because it isn't physical (yet) and goes a long way towards undermining a person's ability to end it. "It's not physical" doesn't make "I am in love with someone outside of our marriage" have any less impact on the BS's esteem, sense of security, or ability to trust.

 

I haven't read your other threads so I'm not familiar with your marital problems but they are irrelevant, if you want to end the affair and save your marriage. You should absolutely agree to not going to your hometown alone - your BH is absolutely correct to expect you to live under close watch until you can prove you are trustworthy. No passwords on your phone, access to your email, blocking or shutting down every mode of contact you have with your affair partner is par for the course.

 

However, if the only reason you're going through the motions of cutting ties with your AP is to save face (because you feel shame) and not because you feel remorse and want to heal your marriage, if your plan involves finding ways of taking your affair underground, if you think you just need to get through this part of the reconciliation with your BH so that you can resume the A more carefully when the heat is off, then you need to leave your husband AND your AP and go talk to a counsellor.

[alsudduth]

I think it's deluded to think an affair has less impact because it isn't physical (yet) and goes a long way towards undermining a person's ability to end it. "It's not physical" doesn't make "I am in love with someone outside of our marriage" have any less impact on the BS's esteem, sense of security, or ability to trust.

 

Not at all. I actually think an EA is worse. It was merely a fact of the type of affaire it was.

 

It's true that I was weak. It's true that I should have never even started it. I make no excuses for my actions. I want to do what it takes to fix the marriage. I have been trying to let go of this for a long time. Not just because I got caught.

 

I absolutely agreed to his request to not travel alone to our hometown. I'm willing to give him full access to my phone and anything else he needs and or wants from me.

[malvern99]

Good on you for totally owning your A. That is a giant step in the right direction. I haven't read your back story, so I can only give you general advice. The fact that your A was discovered by your BH as opposed to you confessing means you are staring your journey with a massive trust deficit. Working on rebuilding a modicum of trust should be one of your primary goals for now. The best way to do that is total 100% transparency and honesty about the past and moving forward. I suggest writing a timeline on the A (how it started, how it progressed etc etc) from the beginning to D Day. Tell it all and tell it true. Do not trickle the truth to "spare" your BH's feelings. I also suggest making all of your passwords for any email, social media accts, phone etc available to your BH. Write a short and to the point no contact letter to AP. No emotional goodbye or anything else. Just basically tell AP that you never want to interact with him again and that you have chosen your marriage over him. Give it to your BH to send.

 

These actions alone are not a silver bullet that will magically fix everything. They do however set the table for moving forward and demonstrate via actions (because unfortunately for the time being, your words do not carry too much weight) your willingness to try and make your BH feel safe in your marriage.

 

If you can, look into getting the book "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J McDonald. It is a short read, and I think both you and your BH will find it very helpful. IC may also help you nail down your whys. This very important for the long term stability of your marriage because if you can't articulate why you did what you did, you can't honestly say you will never do it again.

 

The road to recovery is very hard in the best of situations and most likely will take 2 to 5 years. There will be up days and down days aplenty, but total commitment to doing the work necessary to recover will get you through. Give up any idea of controlling the outcome. It is too late for that. Focus on yourself and on your BH. Right now, he is almost certainly still in shock and he likely doesn't know whether he is coming or going. It is a very difficult and painful time and different people deal with it in different ways. Some want to be reassured by the wayward spouse while others want nothing to do with their wayward spouse. Follow his lead for the time being, and make clear to him via your actions that you are willing to fight to rebuild your marriage. Good luck OP.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald....it will open your eyes to things you are not thinking about right now.

 

Become completely and totally transparent to your husband....give him all passwords to every account you have. Facebook, phone, bank, twitter, instagram....snapchat...whatever. Give him a minute by minute schedule of where you will be and what you are doing...help him to feel safe again.

 

What you have done is taken away his feeling of safety....you have proven to him...you don't love him as much as he thought you did....and that is something you can never give back to him. I can tell my husband over and over again I love you with all of my heart....and he believes me...however....he knows that i did not love him as much as he thought i did.

 

Put your husband first....be willing to lose him..to keep him. If he needs you to leave...be willing to do that.

 

Get yourself into therapy to figure out why you allowed yourself to do this. See a lawyer to find out all of your rights....just in case...your husband decides he does not want to reconcile.

 

Welcome to the world of cheaters....you have a long road of healing ahead....a long rocky road....I hope you get to walk that road with your husband holding your hand...and the two of you helping each other along the way....

 

Your job right now is to help your husband heal from the hurt you have caused him. He is the focus right now.....

[stillafool]

Not at all. I actually think an EA is worse. It was merely a fact of the type of affaire it was.

 

It's true that I was weak. It's true that I should have never even started it. I make no excuses for my actions. I want to do what it takes to fix the marriage. I have been trying to let go of this for a long time. Not just because I got caught.

 

I absolutely agreed to his request to not travel alone to our hometown. I'm willing to give him full access to my phone and anything else he needs and or wants from me.

 

Whether you stay with your husband or not, I hope you know you will never be put back up on the pedestal your husband had you on prior to this. This affair has ruined that position for you forever. If you do stay with your husband do not be surprised if later he dosen't have his own affair. You've basically given him he green light.

[alsudduth]

Whether you stay with your husband or not, I hope you know you will never be put back up on the pedestal your husband had you on prior to this. This affair has ruined that position for you forever. If you do stay with your husband do not be surprised if later he dosen't have his own affair. You've basically given him he green light.

 

I'm not sure why you think he had me on a pedestal, however I do understand that I must now put a lot more effort into this marriage than I have in the last few years.

 

If he has *another* affair because of this, then neither of us did our part to fix the relationship.

 

There has been a lot of hurt on both sides of the marriage. I don't say this to justify my actions, because again there is no excuse for it. There is, however, always a reason people seek comfort outside of their marriage. And more often than not (as was in our case) needs aren't being met by the spouse, or are refused to be met (in my case I was VERY clear to him about my needs) and up until about 6 months ago when I tried to leave he flat out refused to meet my needs. It wasn't even that he felt they were unreasonable expectations (we've been through LOTS of counseling both separately and together) it was that he found them to be "stupid"

 

I don't want to defend my actions, I dug myself into a hole too deep for me to get out of alone and made bad choices, but there is responsibility on his shoulders too. Not for the affair, I carry that burden alone, but for the state of our marriage pre-affair.

[bubbaganoosh]

Well so far he hasn't thrown you out so maybe there is something still there to salvage but it's all up to you.

 

If your getting the cold shoulder from him then put yourself in his shoes and you would feel the same way or even worse. I wish you luck

[stillafool]

I'm not sure why you think he had me on a pedestal, however I do understand that I must now put a lot more effort into this marriage than I have in the last few years.

 

If he has *another* affair because of this, then neither of us did our part to fix the relationship.

 

There has been a lot of hurt on both sides of the marriage. I don't say this to justify my actions, because again there is no excuse for it. There is, however, always a reason people seek comfort outside of their marriage. And more often than not (as was in our case) needs aren't being met by the spouse, or are refused to be met (in my case I was VERY clear to him about my needs) and up until about 6 months ago when I tried to leave he flat out refused to meet my needs. It wasn't even that he felt they were unreasonable expectations (we've been through LOTS of counseling both separately and together) it was that he found them to be "stupid"

 

I don't want to defend my actions, I dug myself into a hole too deep for me to get out of alone and made bad choices, but there is responsibility on his shoulders too. Not for the affair, I carry that burden alone, but for the state of our marriage pre-affair.

 

If after all the counseling your husband hasn't changed why do you think you have a chance in your marriage now after this affair?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I'm not sure why you think he had me on a pedestal, however I do understand that I must now put a lot more effort into this marriage than I have in the last few years.

 

If he has *another* affair because of this, then neither of us did our part to fix the relationship.

 

There has been a lot of hurt on both sides of the marriage. I don't say this to justify my actions, because again there is no excuse for it. There is, however, always a reason people seek comfort outside of their marriage. And more often than not (as was in our case) needs aren't being met by the spouse, or are refused to be met (in my case I was VERY clear to him about my needs) and up until about 6 months ago when I tried to leave he flat out refused to meet my needs. It wasn't even that he felt they were unreasonable expectations (we've been through LOTS of counseling both separately and together) it was that he found them to be "stupid"

 

I don't want to defend my actions, I dug myself into a hole too deep for me to get out of alone and made bad choices, but there is responsibility on his shoulders too. Not for the affair, I carry that burden alone, but for the state of our marriage pre-affair.

 

There are always reasons, excuses, circumstances...for why we do the things we do. Both people are indeed for the state of the marriage....but only one is responsible for making the choice to cheat. It is very simple.....we are not happy? We are not getting our needs met? We seek HELP...not an affair.

 

There are some here that will jump on board with your idea and give you all the support you are looking for....

 

and then there are those of us who will tell you...if you desire reconciliation...the last thing you need to start preaching especially to your betrayed spouse...is that he is also to blame for the state of the marriage. If you give him the transparency and the support he needs right now...he will come to that realization as he heals.

 

But right not...thats not what he needs or wants.

[Lobe]

There is, however, always a reason people seek comfort outside of their marriage.

 

Yes, the reason is always shortsighted selfishness. Not the unmet needs. The unmet needs are a sign you need to a) fix or b) leave your marriage.

 

Has the thought crossed your mind that maybe (just maybe) you are in fact just done with your marriage? Removing the AP from the equation, it sounds like you still have a massive uphill battle and have for a very long time. With my first marriage I was desperate not to fail and held on for way longer than I should have before throwing in the towel. You sound right now in the panic of reacting to being discovered - the "sorry you got caught" not the "sorry it happened" panic.

 

Maybe what you need more than anything right now is time and space to be with yourself so you know what you actually want. Reconciling and working on your marriage when your husband thinks your unmet needs are "stupid" may be something you can't fix without compromising so much you lose yourself. Ultimately, you will set yourself and your husband up to fail if that's the case. A little bit of soul searching sounds like the next step in unravelling the "why" here.

 

I'm going to make a strange suggestion that you and your husband can try. A GF of mine was in counselling with her hubby and as part of their program they had to write up a separation agreement. Not one that was full of heat and anger and spite, just a fair equitable one that gave parents equal access to the kids, fair division of property and debts, etc. It shone the light on what they would be walking away from, and gave them both an idea of what was at stake. Several years later they are still together - she swears doing that exercise was alone worth every penny they paid for counselling.

 

When my WH cheated, I initially kicked him out and did up a separation agreement right away. I wanted to have my kids grow up in healthy divorce more than I wanted to continue in an unhealthy marriage. What preparing the agreement did for *me* rather was make me realize that I would be OK if our marriage dissolved. It took a lot of the terror out of wondering what it would look like when I had to strike out on my own.

 

Whether writing up a separation agreement makes you feel closer to your hubby or like maybe you can actually leave, it might be worth a try. Just a suggestion.

 

PS if you paste this in your browser it'll take you to a FREE version of Linda McDonald's book. lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf

[malvern99]

I'm not sure why you think he had me on a pedestal, however I do understand that I must now put a lot more effort into this marriage than I have in the last few years.

 

If he has *another* affair because of this, then neither of us did our part to fix the relationship.

 

There has been a lot of hurt on both sides of the marriage. I don't say this to justify my actions, because again there is no excuse for it. There is, however, always a reason people seek comfort outside of their marriage. And more often than not (as was in our case) needs aren't being met by the spouse, or are refused to be met (in my case I was VERY clear to him about my needs) and up until about 6 months ago when I tried to leave he flat out refused to meet my needs. It wasn't even that he felt they were unreasonable expectations (we've been through LOTS of counseling both separately and together) it was that he found them to be "stupid"

 

I don't want to defend my actions, I dug myself into a hole too deep for me to get out of alone and made bad choices, but there is responsibility on his shoulders too. Not for the affair, I carry that burden alone, but for the state of our marriage pre-affair.

 

Any pre A marital issues are shared 50 50 by both you and your WH. Your A though is 100% on you as your husband's A was 100% on him. There are no mitigating factors when it comes to A's. In your case, both you and your WH had multiple options to deal with whatever you were missing in your marriage that would have been way less damaging to your M.

 

If you do not mind me asking, how did you both deal with your husband's A? How long ago did it happen, and has he been doing the work necessary to help you heal? Does any part of you feel your A may have at any point been a revenge A?

[S2B]

I'm not sure why you think he had me on a pedestal, however I do understand that I must now put a lot more effort into this marriage than I have in the last few years.

 

If he has *another* affair because of this, then neither of us did our part to fix the relationship.

 

There has been a lot of hurt on both sides of the marriage. I don't say this to justify my actions, because again there is no excuse for it. There is, however, always a reason people seek comfort outside of their marriage. And more often than not (as was in our case) needs aren't being met by the spouse, or are refused to be met (in my case I was VERY clear to him about my needs) and up until about 6 months ago when I tried to leave he flat out refused to meet my needs. It wasn't even that he felt they were unreasonable expectations (we've been through LOTS of counseling both separately and together) it was that he found them to be "stupid"

 

I don't want to defend my actions, I dug myself into a hole too deep for me to get out of alone and made bad choices, but there is responsibility on his shoulders too. Not for the affair, I carry that burden alone, but for the state of our marriage pre-affair.

 

Let's pretend...

 

Let's say that you sought out attention outside of your marriage because you were selfish and self seeking....

 

What can you do to be unselfish now? What can you change about yourself to never, ever be 'that gal' - ever again?

[Mr. Lucky]

I came clean and told him that I had been talking to him and was aware that there was no excuse....I'm not here to try and make excuses for myself or be told that it's ok...I went about trying to solve a problem in our relationship in the wrongest way possible...I understand that regardless of the problems an affair is never the answer. I was completely wrong.

 

So days ago you were in an affair but now you're this enlightened?

 

Were I your BS, I'd be unconvinced. Sounds like you're simply saying what you think your H wants to hear. Expedited healing is just another form of rug sweeping...

 

Mr. Lucky

[alsudduth]

 

If you do not mind me asking, how did you both deal with your husband's A? How long ago did it happen, and has he been doing the work necessary to help you heal? Does any part of you feel your A may have at any point been a revenge A?

 

My husband had an EA about 3 years ago. During that time he told me he wanted a divorce. While we were figuring out details I started talking to the guy I had an EA with.

 

After a few months of divorce talk, my husband asked if we could try counseling. We went through over a year of counseling where he made very few changes. Because we weren't really progressing I was still talking to the OM. My husband knew at the time. I made a decision to cut off contact with OM and give the marriage another chance. We had no contact for about 6+months.

 

I was still unhappy with the marriage when the OM reached out to me again so I was easily pulled back in. That was when I tried to end things with my husband. It was like a switch went off in him and he completely changed. I didn't trust it, though and was afraid to let go of my security blanket in the OM. However about 3 months ago, I did end things with the OM. It was very hard and I foolishly and against advice thought we could be friends. The message my husband saw was from the OM telling me that I broke his heart and that while he understood why, his feelings were hurt.

 

Some have asked why if the marriage was so unhappy, why I haven't left. My husband has great qualities. We've been together 20 years, he's comfortable and we have a good family unit with the kids. I got caught up in a selfish act trying to find myself and my way during a hard time in my life, but at the end of the day I can't picture my life without him in it.

[stillafool]

 

Some have asked why if the marriage was so unhappy, why I haven't left. My husband has great qualities. We've been together 20 years, he's comfortable and we have a good family unit with the kids. I got caught up in a selfish act trying to find myself and my way during a hard time in my life, but at the end of the day I can't picture my life without him in it.

 

But neither of you are happy. Are you going to live lik this for the rest of your lives? Kids grow up, move away and start their own lives. It's never a good idea to stay for the kids.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Alsudduth, from what you wrote in your OP and the responses of others including your answers to them, I would like to ask you why you want to stay with your husband? It seems very clear to me that if there was any love between you and your husband then it is long gone and you would be fooling yourself to think that either of you are still in love with each other. You already had one foot out the door when you were discovered and now your husband has a tremendous amount of resentment against you. Humpty Dumpty has fallen off the wall and no one King's horses or King's men ate going to be able to put Humpty together again. Don't waste your time, just divorce and move on. Warm wishes.

[Poutrew]

I can only tell you how I would react if I found out my wife had an affair - in order to equalize the relationship, I would feel obligated to have an affair of my own. For men, this means sex. Only difference between me and most other men, is I would not be secretive about it. The wife would know because I'd video tape the entire thing, sit her down and play it for her. If she wanted to stay married to me, she would have to watch the entire thing (ok, not in one sitting).

 

Maybe it's a good thing I'm not married...

[Lobe]

Maybe it's a good thing I'm not married...

 

Her EA was revenge - maybe it'd be a better thing if she's not married either...

[malvern99]

alsudduth, it sounds like your husband's EA was never really dealt with effectively, and the two of you have been muddling along without any real plan. It sounds like because you did not feel like you got any closure (ie therapy for a year accompanied by no change) from his A, you always put yourself in a position where you hedged your bets just in case. That is one of the problems rug sweeping affairs comes with because at no point can the betrayed feel safe enough to go all in on the relationship again if the affair and the pain and trauma are not addressed effectively.

 

I think both you and your husband desperately need a come to Jesus moment. You two ought to sit down and put all of your cards on the table when you are ready because in order for R to work, both partners need to be 100% in 100% of the time. You can't reconcile with one foot out the door. You need your resolution concerning his A, and he needs his resolution concerning your A. The only real way to do that is to work through everything together as a team if R is what you want. Anything less, and you will find yourself in the same situation where you will always be tempted to have an out if R is not going the way you expect it or want it to go. Good luck.

[DKT3]

I don't think it's a lost marriage just yet. Neither of you were committed to the marriage. Going to MC while actively involved in the affair was a huge waste of time and money. You would have 1) not been open to changes 2) still been looking for flaws to justify your affair.

 

I think if the two of you can actually commit you can make it work. However i have my doubts because you really seem to be hanging on to the idea of this other man.

[alsudduth]

I'm reading the book a few of you recommended. Thank you for the suggestion. I think it's great. Someday, I think it would be beneficial for my husband to read it.

 

I appreciate everyone's input. Lots of things I need to hear. I believe my husband and I have been unhappy because neither one of us has been fully committed at the same time. I hope this can be the beginning of us being on the same road if he's willing.

[Friskyone4u]

It is very difficult to ascertain the sincerity of someones words here. Obviously the previously problems were not dealt with, but to me you do seem like you want to try to honestly reconcile.

 

The problem for your husband is since he only found that rather innocuous message, does he know EVERYTHING????? Have you deleted all the other evidence and communications??? If you, you need to offer them to him so whatever decision he makes it is from one of knowing the truth.

 

if you have not done it, you need to write, not verbalize, as complete a timeline of the whole thing as you can and DO NOT SPARE any details. He may not want it now but he may later. And if you have made any alone trips to where this OM lived at your hometown you have more you need to do to make your husband believe that the affair was not also physical.

 

If you cannot prove that through e mails or text messages that you can provide to your husband, you yourself need to voluntarily offer to take a polygraph test, even if your husband says that is not necessary. You would be crazy to make that offer if you were not being truthful to him, and if he takes you up on it do not back away from doing it.

 

And you should not be going ANYWHERE without your husband overnight. No girls trips or anywhere this OM could possibly come meet you.

 

until absolutely everything is on the table truthfully, the others are correct. MC is a waste of time and money.

[usa1ah]

Wow OP, I give you credit for being one of the few WS to come on here and take full responsibility for their actions. This is the only way to start the healing process.

 

Good luck to the two of you and wish you the best.