The inevitable happened

[merrmeade]

However, if the only reason you're going through the motions of cutting ties with your AP is to save face (because you feel shame) and not because you feel remorse and want to heal your marriage, ...

But you have to know the difference and there are very, very few, that I've seen, who do. It's hard, so what's the difference. It doesn't really affect you but it affects your husband. And if you really care about him, how he feels on finding this out, you would not merely be reporting what he said, you'd be cued into his feelings. Do you know or just take his words at face value?

 

Sounds to me like he's putting up a front of bravado. Do you really think he doesn't care? Have you thought about how this is affecting him? Making that important is remorse and not just getting caught.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Not at all. I actually think an EA is worse.

 

This is crazy talk.

[alsudduth]

So the situation was that my husband had to go back home yesterday in order to work and the kids and I are staying at my parents this week. They will take us home on Friday. This is what the plan was initially.

 

Today my husband and I had a lengthy chat. I told him everything as per everyone's advise. I was ready to get it all off my chest. He texted the OM to confirm what I had told him.

 

I still don't know where he is with all this, it's only been one day. I suppose now the waiting begins and the proving myself begins.

 

So far I have-

- made it clear that the affair was my choice and mine alone and that he is not to blame for it at all.

 

- I have let him know that he gets to choose the next step for us.

 

- I have offered him access to all my email accounts, phone, anything he wanted. I also offered to switch phones with him when we are away from each other.

 

- I told my mother what happened as soon as my husband left so that she would ensure that I do not leave the house alone as well as to have someone to put me in my place for my wrongdoings. (she raised me better than that)

 

- I have let him know that I will accept the fact if he chooses that he can not continue the marriage, while also making clear that it was not what I wanted.

 

- I have tried to explain my reasoning to him without blaming or making excuses for myself. (basically I think I got so deep into it, it was like a bad habit/addiction that I couldn't break even if I wanted to)

 

- I asked him what I could do to make his day a little better....he said nothing and I told him if that changes I would be here. and left it at that. I will ask him again tomorrow and the next day if he will let me.

 

I'm halfway done with the book that was recommended. what other advise? At this point should I drop it and let him initiate conversation? He has mentioned that he feels as I am the one who doesn't care what happens either way, and I don't want that to be the case, so I don't want to say or do the the wrong the thing right now.

 

I feel like in a way I maybe wanted to get caught. I needed a way out and was too much of a coward to come clean, and too involved and "addicted" to quit on my own.

 

I know that I would like to fully commit to an R, but I also understand that it won't work if he can't or won't fully commit either. time will tell I suppose.

 

He has also refused another go round at counseling, and has put a halt to our move to another state, and buying a house together in general "as of right now"

[alsudduth]

So days ago you were in an affair but now you're this enlightened?

 

Were I your BS, I'd be unconvinced. Sounds like you're simply saying what you think your H wants to hear. Expedited healing is just another form of rug sweeping...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I know how it sounds. I think I've been ready to be out of it for a long time but couldn't figure out how to do it. I know the easy answer would be to just stop. but that is so much easier said than done. after so long you crave the attention like a drug. even when I knew it wasn't what I wanted I still continued. I think I have the hardest part understanding that. And it will be the hardest thing to eventually forgive myself for.

[alsudduth]

Wow OP, I give you credit for being one of the few WS to come on here and take full responsibility for their actions. This is the only way to start the healing process.

 

Good luck to the two of you and wish you the best.

 

Thank you. If I ever want to hope we can get through this, it's the only thing I can do.

[alsudduth]

I also sent my goodbye message to the OM. I had initially blocked his number, but my husband asked me to ask him about where he lives because it didn't match up to what I told him. I apologized and told him that I wish we would have taken more thought to the people we were hurting through our selfish act, and that if I wanted to have any chance at fixing things, that it had to be the end completely for us. I told him we were foolish to think we could be just friends.

 

He said he understands and respects that and was sorry as well.

 

And that was that. I will now block his number again, and keep the messages for my husband to see if he wants to.

[dichotomy]

I might have missed it - but about your OM

 

1) Was he someone you were involved with (sex) a long ago (you say he is from your home town).

 

2) What was the nature of the text and communications ? Was sex discussed ? Intimate details about your husband to OM ? insulting or degrading your husband to OM ?

 

 

My wife also has never gone back to her old home town - without me present, and generally has not gone in many years anyway since dDay. Too much risk back then - she was not strong enough. Now she has changed, but also I don't really care if she goes. But so very glad we live so far away.

 

I am sorry this happened - you seem to indicate your husband turned a corner and was being a better husband after his own EA and the possibility of divorce. A lot of work lost.

Edited July 5, 2016 by dichotomy

[alsudduth]

I might have missed it - but about your OM

 

1) Was he someone you were involved with (sex) a long ago (you say he is from your home town).

 

2) What was the nature of the text and communications ? Was sex discussed ? Intimate details about your husband to OM ? insulting or degrading your husband to OM ?

 

 

My wife also has never gone back to her old home town - without me present, and generally has not gone in many years anyway since dDay. Too much risk back then - she was not strong enough. Now she has changed, but also I don't really care if she goes. But so very glad we live so far away.

 

I am sorry this happened - you seem to indicate your husband turned a corner and was being a better husband after his own EA and the possibility of divorce. A lot of work lost.

 

the OM was a guy I had dated in H.S. before I started dating my husband. We only went on a few dates, and it was never serious enough to get sex involved. We didn't end anything on bad terms back then, we just had other things going on in our lives and then I started dating the guy who would become my husband.

 

The text messages were NEVER derogatory towards my husband. OM knew that I was unhappy because when he first reached out to me in our adult years 3 years ago give or take, I was in the process of dealing with my husbands EA and the fact that he wanted a divorce. OM was a shoulder to lean on when my husband had told me he didn't want me anymore. That's how it started. OM did listen to how unhappy I was, we talked a lot about common interests, how much we enjoyed speaking with each other, and eventually went down the "I'm in love with you route"

 

My parents are still in our hometown, so unfortunately it's not really an option to NEVER come home again, but as I mentioned before, I've told my mother about this so as to use her as a protection to not be alone when I am here, but for the time being I won't come down without my husband (if he opts to try to Reconcile)

 

Our marriage was not great leading up to this obviously - so maybe we won't stay together. But now I know that I have been honest with both myself and him about my part in wrecking it. No more justifications on my end.

[alsudduth]

 

I am sorry this happened - you seem to indicate your husband turned a corner and was being a better husband after his own EA and the possibility of divorce. A lot of work lost.

 

Also - it took him a year and a half at least post EA and counseling to turn a corner after I told him I was planning to leave. In essence he ended the contact with the OW but didn't put in the effort to build my trust back until I was about to walk out the door 8 months ago. My goal is to not make the same mistake, be completely honest, and do whatever it takes from day 1 of DDay to be a better spouse.

[Satu]

I really admire the honesty with which you're dealing with this situation.

 

I hope it works out well for you and your husband, whether you stay together or not.

 

Keep an open mind about the future.

 

 

Take care.

[dichotomy]

Is OM divorced now?

[alsudduth]

Is OM divorced now?

 

i do not believe a divorce is final, but he has been separated since before we started talking.

[usa1ah]

Alsudduth, sorry you have gone through what you have.

 

 

It is very hard to fix things after one cheats but impossible if the other doesn't even try. I really can not blame you for what happened seeing how your husband did not put a effort in fixing what he broke to begin with until you started to leave 8 months ago.

 

 

Your husband broke the relationship/marriage when he asked for the D 3 years ago, this is something you need to talk with your mom about if she does not know yet. Yes he had a EA that might have been a PA, but the asking for the D is what broke the tie. The fact that he was willing to leave and call it quits. Then he does nothing to repair the damage for 2 1/2 years until you start to leave. I thing you should have kept walking.

 

 

Up to you if you stay or not to fix the marriage, but if he was not willing to fix it for all that time I don't see much chance he will do his part now.

 

 

Cheating is never right EA or PA, but I can see how it happened in your case. Like I said, he broke the tie by asking for the divorce, that had to hurt like hell. Then he did not repair it. I think your marriage has been over for the past 8 months.

 

 

I did go back and read some of your other post. I believe none of this would have happened if your husband had taken responsibility for what he had done three years ago and tried to fix it then. Him doing what he did continued to push you away, still not saying your affair was right.

 

 

I hope you find happiness once this is all over.

[spanz1]

I think it's deluded to think an affair has less impact because it isn't physical (yet) and goes a long way towards undermining a person's ability to end it. "It's not physical" doesn't make "I am in love with someone outside of our marriage" have any less impact on the BS's esteem, sense of security, or ability to trust.

.

 

My opinion is that MEN do not care so much about their wives having EA's with other men, as long as it never gets physical.

 

I have heard that it is the opposite for women, they would actually prefer their Husbands have physical sex INSTEAD OF an EA. I think because the EA shows love for the other woman, and that would be harder to get over.

 

So, what i am trying to say is that your husband may indeed not have taken your EA in as devastating a light as you think he did.

 

Straighten up and Fly Right, and things might get back on track

[GorillaTheater]

Also - it took him a year and a half at least post EA and counseling to turn a corner after I told him I was planning to leave. In essence he ended the contact with the OW but didn't put in the effort to build my trust back until I was about to walk out the door 8 months ago. My goal is to not make the same mistake, be completely honest, and do whatever it takes from day 1 of DDay to be a better spouse.

 

 

Alsudduth (and geez, isn't that a mouthful), I remember your thread from last year and posting to you about what you were going through at the time. As far as anyone can tell on the internet, I believe that you're a good person with a good heart, and will do the right thing. I wish you and your husband the best of luck.

[alsudduth]

Alsudduth (and geez, isn't that a mouthful), I remember your thread from last year and posting to you about what you were going through at the time. As far as anyone can tell on the internet, I believe that you're a good person with a good heart, and will do the right thing. I wish you and your husband the best of luck.

 

Thank you. It means a lot to hear that. I certainly don't feel like a very good person right now.

[usa1ah]

Might not feel like one now, but I believe you are a good person. It is hard when the one you are with acts like a roommate instead of a spouse. I know how that feels and how lonely it gets. Then when someone starts to fill the void, it hurts knowing your spouse doesn't even know there is a void to fill.

 

Chin up, tomorrow is a new day.

[alsudduth]

Might not feel like one now, but I believe you are a good person. It is hard when the one you are with acts like a roommate instead of a spouse. I know how that feels and how lonely it gets. Then when someone starts to fill the void, it hurts knowing your spouse doesn't even know there is a void to fill.

 

Chin up, tomorrow is a new day.

 

 

Thank you. Now that the initial panic of what now has waned, I can think more clearly. My husband said I'm trying to rush him to decide what to do. I probably am. I'm an anxious person in general, it's very hard to step back and let him clear his head. But I need to do that. I just don't want to fall into the "sweep it under the rug" pattern when our busy life inevitably goes on.

[Mr Blunt]

I am a man and my wife did more than an EA. I will tell you how I, as a man, would respond to your situation.

 

 

Originally Posted by alsudduth

I told him that I don't feel like that is the best way to go about fixing this. I told him that I loved him, and he said I should spend some time considering if that is actually true or not

 

Although the “I love you” can be somewhat comforting it can also be a sharp pain. My wife told me the same thing in the first few months but my thoughts were that her love was shallow and weak because I was rejected and replaced by another man by her free will choice. The other thought is that she was saying that because she was trying to do what was best for her. In other words, the “I love you” in the first several months do not have a ring of solid truth to the BS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Originally Posted by alsudduth

My husband had an EA about 3 years ago. During that time he told me he wanted a divorce. While we were figuring out details I started talking to the guy I had an EA with.

 

Two horrible choices. Since you seem to be very remorseful and have already been given a lot of real good commentaries about your responsibilities, and you have taken a LOT of positive actions (reference your post 28), I will just comment on your husband. Your husband needs to read the book by Linda McDonald and then he needs to take the actions that are advised in the book. As you have stated it would be very good for him to read that book but you know that the timing is very important. He has to be at the point that he wants to R, and his emotions do not overrule his commitment and love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Originally Posted by alsudduth

My husband said I'm trying to rush him to decide what to do. I probably am. I'm an anxious person in general, it's very hard to step back and let him clear his head.

 

 

In the first year I decided what to do ® because of my faith. Much later I decided that my wife had proved her remorse for years by her ACTIONS. Your husband maybe a bit like me and take months before he decides to R and he will not be convinced of the “I love you: until years. Maybe that is why many pros say 2-5 years for recovery.

 

 

From what you have wrote I see hope for the marriage. Why? Here is why:

 

 

1 Your 20 year marriage includes the bonding that youth can bring

 

2 You have children together and that is very bonding

 

3 You seem to be very committed to doing your part

 

4 You have a good family unit with the children

 

5 On a scale of 1-10 your betrayal is not a 10. Not downplaying your betrayal just that I have seen other betrayals that were worse than yours come back and save the marriage.

 

6 From what you have written I would concur with those that say that you are a good woman. You made a horrible choice but that does not need to define you. You can recover.

 

 

If your husband is a good and strong man and his good qualities that you mentioned which includes forgiveness, taking responsibility, long term commitment with accountability and positive actions for a long time then I think you have a lot of hope. That all applies to you also.

 

I have completed over 27 years of R with my WS wife and our life is very good almost all of the time. If my wife had done what you have done I would have had an easier time with R. Infidelity scars but it does not have to kill.

Edited July 7, 2016 by Mr Blunt

[alsudduth]

Thanks for all the great advise, everyone. It is not easy. I told my husband yesterday that the biggest thing I need to change is my weakness. To work on being a stronger person.

 

I told him if I had been a stronger person I would not have allowed myself to stay in such a hurtful situation over and over again, and then later if I had been stronger I would have had the courage to do the right thing instead of spiraling into bad choice after bad choice.

 

As of right now, he is hot and cold. I gently (while reassuring him the A was not his fault) try to explain how I got to the point that I did, and while he is still hurt, and angry, I do think he can somewhat see where I'm coming from. I keep reiterating that it doesn't excuse my behavior as I don't want him to think I'm blaming him. it's a tricky thing!

 

he made the comment yesterday to the effect of "easy for you to say, you could just run back to your coward if we get divorced". I told him that I doubt that would happen. I like to think that I'm smart enough now to know that running straight to another man is not the answer I need. As hard as it is, (despite wanting to work things out with my husband, I do believe that I loved this OM and I told my husband this, so it's no secret now) I realize that I have to let that go, and let my feelings about him go. I know it can be done with hard work, which I'm willing to put in.

 

he said that when I talk about the changes he's made in the last 8 months he has no idea what I'm talking about.....and so I said, "Really? You don't feel like you have made any changes in the last 8 months?" and he said "I guess I'm just clueless" I told him I didn't know how to respond to that and when he asked why, I told him that I saw a clear shift in his actions (and that I wasn't the only one who noticed) from the time I told him I was done last year and now. I told him that up until a few months ago, he had NEVER asked what he could do to make me happy, he'd never suggested alone trips together and actually help plan them, and he'd never scrubbed down the bathroom "just because he knew it would make me happy"

 

He didn't say much after that, but his attitude did shift a bit. he wanted to hear me tell him I loved him, and while he didn't say it back (this was on messenger by the way, we are not in the same vicinity until tomorrow) he sent me a cute bunny picture that said "Oh Baby!"

 

So, overall, I'm trying to remain optimistic and will continue to move forward by proving in my actions that I'm where I want to be. with him.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I want you to keep that hope... But I also want to tell you it's a hard road to travel and it continues to be difficult forever...

 

There are wonderful times and there are sad times... For the both of you

 

Because ultimately waywards and betrayeds want the same thing ... For it never to have happened in the first place.

 

And the one thing we both want ... We can't have... No matter how hard we try.. No matter how much we work... No matter how far we come

 

The reality is.. It will always be there

 

Even if we divorce and move into a new relationship..infidelity.. The scars of infidelity ... Goes with us.

[alsudduth]

I want you to keep that hope... But I also want to tell you it's a hard road to travel and it continues to be difficult forever...

 

There are wonderful times and there are sad times... For the both of you

 

Because ultimately waywards and betrayeds want the same thing ... For it never to have happened in the first place.

 

And the one thing we both want ... We can't have... No matter how hard we try.. No matter how much we work... No matter how far we come

 

The reality is.. It will always be there

 

Even if we divorce and move into a new relationship..infidelity.. The scars of infidelity ... Goes with us.

 

You are very wise, no doubt through experience. I see you and your husband post frequently on LS, and you both always have solid advice. Thank you for keeping me grounded in what the reality is going to be if my husband and I decided to reconcile.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You are very wise, no doubt through experience. I see you and your husband post frequently on LS, and you both always have solid advice. Thank you for keeping me grounded in what the reality is going to be if my husband and I decided to reconcile.

 

Don't misconstrue what I said... I am not a negative Nellie... Quite the opposite... But I walk this path everyday.. And some days even I get tired.. I don't give up.. I keep plugging away... But sometimes when I feel like things are going so smoothly.. It rears its ugly head back up and reminds me it is still here.

 

That is the hard part really.. To not let it win...to put things back into perspective..

 

I tend to be overly sensitive ... And take things personally.. When in reality... It isn't necessarily about me at all. I have to remind myself..it isn't me.

 

I think most couple could reconcile... But it does take lots of work just like any relationship.

 

There are those who just think it isn't worth it... And for them... They are absolutely right.

 

Keep your head up... You will get there

[OhNoYouDidNot]

You are very wise, no doubt through experience. I see you and your husband post frequently on LS, and you both always have solid advice. Thank you for keeping me grounded in what the reality is going to be if my husband and I decided to reconcile.

 

SO true! After lurking for a couple of years I feel like MJA and JA are like the godparents of the LS infidelity crew lol

[Mrs. John Adams]

SO true! After lurking for a couple of years I feel like MJA and JA are like the godparents of the LS infidelity crew lol

 

We are complimented.. But we make plenty of mistakes...

 

And we hope to help others not make them. We care or we would not be here.

 

We wish we had someone to give us help and advice...we had my parents and they were wonderful.. And we give them credit for keeping us together.

 

You need encouragement because some days.. You just wanna quit .. You just get tired

 

I am here to be your biggest cheerleader.. If I can do it... So can you.