The inevitable happened

[harrybrown]

Have you helped your H tell the OM's divorcing spouse about the A?

 

At least do that for your H, and show that you are not protecting the OM over him again.

[alsudduth]

Have you helped your H tell the OM's divorcing spouse about the A?

 

At least do that for your H, and show that you are not protecting the OM over him again.

 

They are not together and haven't been for at least a year prior to us talking, so I'm not sure what that would do. As far as I know, she has had a boyfriend for awhile.

 

I won't try to defend the OM, my husband has called him a coward and a loser and a fool. I understand it and won't deny him his anger about it. (I won't condone any kind of violence towards it, but I wouldn't in any other situation either)

[DKT3]

They are not together and haven't been for at least a year prior to us talking, so I'm not sure what that would do. As far as I know, she has had a boyfriend for awhile.

 

I won't try to defend the OM, my husband has called him a coward and a loser and a fool. I understand it and won't deny him his anger about it. (I won't condone any kind of violence towards it, but I wouldn't in any other situation either)

 

How do you feel when he talks bad about om? Your wording was odd and suggests that you want to defend om.

[alsudduth]

How do you feel when he talks bad about om? Your wording was odd and suggests that you want to defend om.

 

Honestly it hurts, this was a long term A and you can't easily just drop feelings like that. With time I will eventually get over it, though. I want to get over it, and I believe that I can.

 

Defending him to my husband would be a terrible idea and wouldn't help anything. And there isn't much to defend. While I am 100% responsible for choosing to love someone else while I was still married, the OM knew I was married and made a choice to carry on with me as well. So I understand my husband's anger.

[alsudduth]

So today was the day I came home. Since my parents are here, and we have kids we haven't been able to have out full "come to jesus" moment. But I did take someone's advise and asked my husband if he wold want to do the exercise of mapping out what a divorce would look like to gwt that overwhelming part out of the way and keep it from clouding our thoughts and judgement.

 

He seemed receptive to that. Things certainly are not great, he's pointedly not wearing his wedding ring, but we are talking which I'm taking as a good sign.

 

The last thing I mentioned before we had to gwt back to the kids and such was that I can't change the past, and that the best I can do is try to learn from it and try to be better than I was yesterday. Preferably with him by my side, but that I was going to learn from it one way or the other. With him or without him, I WILL learn to be a better person.

[alsudduth]

So many typos ugh. I'm on my phone. I promise I know how to spell.

 

Anyway, I got a kiss!

[harrybrown]

Honestly it hurts, this was a long term A and you can't easily just drop feelings like that. With time I will eventually get over it, though. I want to get over it, and I believe that I can.

 

Defending him to my husband would be a terrible idea and wouldn't help anything. And there isn't much to defend. While I am 100% responsible for choosing to love someone else while I was still married, the OM knew I was married and made a choice to carry on with me as well. So I understand my husband's anger.

 

How would you feel if your H had feelings like this for someone else?

Do you see what a huge problem this is for you to feel this way?

 

You should be horrified about the enemy that may be successful in destroying your family. (and hurting your H and your kids)

 

He is not a good person. He is not a good person for your kids or you to be around. You are seeing him thru glasses that do not see clearly.

 

It does not sound like you are choosing your H over your AP. If that is the case, and you still have high regard for the AP and not for your H, then you should tell your H that he should D now. You do not love him, you still love the OM.

[alsudduth]

Your parents are visiting... Have you told them about what you've done to your marriage?

 

Are you willing to get totally honest with them about the fragile state of your marriage?

 

I told my mom, yes. They have been aware of the fragile state it's been in for awhile. I told my mom about the latest blow to it last week.

[alsudduth]

What did she say about your affair?

 

Well, she told me she loved me, and that she doesn't think it's over for us (my husband and i) She said that if we want to make things work then we both have to forgive each other and ourselves and work on communicating better with each other.

 

She said she hopes my husband knows they would never facilitate or enable me to have an affair, which I told her he did.

 

She asked me if I would prefer she was just supportive instead of giving her thoughts or "lectures" and I told her no, that I need to hear the truth. She raised me to be better than this and I lost my way, but it doesn't mean I can't be found again.

[alsudduth]

Have you worked with a counselor? That may help you understand your healthy boundary a bit more clearly...

 

What are you specifically doing to repair the damage you have caused to your H and to the M?

 

I do have a counselor that I've seen off and on for years, I've been out of town and now it's the weekend, so I'll make an appointment this week to talk through all this with her, and keep me on the right track.

 

Specifically, you can see my post #28, but I think the main thing is that I've cut off communication with the OM, have been completely honest with my Husband holding nothing back, he has total access to my phone or anything else he wants, and I reiterate regularly to him that despite our previous marriage issues, this was not his fault, that I take full responsibility, and that I want to commit together to learn and grow past this horrible stage of our lives.

[aliveagain]

The very first thing the two of you should do is decide if this marriage is worth saving. Each of you have fallen in love with other people, hell, your still in love with your other man, what does that say about your marriage and your commitment to each other? I hope the seriousness of your situation is setting in. The other man was never your friend, he doesn't care about your husband or how your infidelity is affecting your children, friends don't help friends destroy their marriages. Friends don't try and steal another friends wife.

 

Time you became a fulltime wife if you want a shot at saving what's left of your marriage, you've wasted enough of your time on the O/M. That time belonged to your husband and children so stop thinking about the O/M in anyway other then as a selfish, nasty opportunist that didn't care enough about his own marriage. He is a predator who is helping you destroy yours. Like I said, the two of you need to decide if marriage is what you both want, if it is then commit to each other and do whatever it takes to fix the disaster you have made of it. The fact that you have amazing children should be enough motivation, they deserve to have 100% commitment from both of you.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald....it will open your eyes to things you are not thinking about right now.

 

Become completely and totally transparent to your husband....give him all passwords to every account you have. Facebook, phone, bank, twitter, instagram....snapchat...whatever. Give him a minute by minute schedule of where you will be and what you are doing...help him to feel safe again.

 

What you have done is taken away his feeling of safety....you have proven to him...you don't love him as much as he thought you did....and that is something you can never give back to him. I can tell my husband over and over again I love you with all of my heart....and he believes me...however....he knows that i did not love him as much as he thought i did.

 

Put your husband first....be willing to lose him..to keep him. If he needs you to leave...be willing to do that.

 

A lot of women think that this type of behavior is "controlling".

 

Never mind the fact that they got CAUGHT in an A.

 

The woman I was in an LTR with, I caught her sexting with a former boyfriend, caught her red handed. She tried to turn it around on me when I suggested ways for her to regain my trust. She instead gaslighted me, so she's gone.

[JoeSmith357-1]

This is crazy talk.

 

I don't know about worse, but in my opinion, it's equally as bad, and usually leads to a PA...

[alsudduth]

Are you handing him peace of mind on a silver platter? Are you completely transparent about everything you're doing or not doing?

 

You could spend a lifetime earning that trust back and proving that you deserve this marriage...are you prepared to endure the tough days for the long term?

 

Have you written out for him a timeline of your affair - and what you were doing and thinking during that affair?

 

Have you written out what tangible ways you could repair the damage you've caused?

 

Words really mean nothing if the actions aren't aligned - do exactly as you say and do it well with honesty moving forward.

 

I really hope I am prepared for the tough days ahead. I realize that it won't be easy, but if I didn't want things to work out, I wouldn't stay at this point.

 

He didn't want a timeline of the affair, he asked me the questions he wanted to know and I was honest with him about details and timelines. He is also aware of why I feel like I got to the point that I did.

 

I have started looking at therapists that could help me specifically in this situation. I feel like I have to heal myself from whatever I am suppressing deep down that is leading me to make the bad choices I have made. I told my husband last night that I think a lot of it stems from such a self hatred and insecurity of myself that I crave for anyone/everyone but especially men to tell me I'm special, beautiful, awesome, etc. So my first goal is to find out why I'm like that, and what I can do for myself to not feel a need for constant affirmation.

 

One thing I know for sure is that this situation has been a real reality check for me and what I want in my relationship.

[alsudduth]

A lot of women think that this type of behavior is "controlling".

 

Never mind the fact that they got CAUGHT in an A.

 

The woman I was in an LTR with, I caught her sexting with a former boyfriend, caught her red handed. She tried to turn it around on me when I suggested ways for her to regain my trust. She instead gaslighted me, so she's gone.

 

I understand completely why my husband would expect those things now until I can prove I can be trusted again. I made my bed and now I gotta pay the price for my choices. And that price is to be untrustworthy. The only thing that will fix that is time and honesty and sincere regret of my actions, which is what I intend to do.

 

I'm sorry your xGF didn't have the shame to take responsibility for her own actions. I hope you have found happiness elsewhere.

[alsudduth]

The very first thing the two of you should do is decide if this marriage is worth saving. Each of you have fallen in love with other people, hell, your still in love with your other man, what does that say about your marriage and your commitment to each other? I hope the seriousness of your situation is setting in. The other man was never your friend, he doesn't care about your husband or how your infidelity is affecting your children, friends don't help friends destroy their marriages. Friends don't try and steal another friends wife.

 

Thank you. These are things I need to hear. I hear NC is the best way to go about forgetting someone harmful in your life, that is what I am doing.

 

Time you became a fulltime wife if you want a shot at saving what's left of your marriage, you've wasted enough of your time on the O/M. That time belonged to your husband and children so stop thinking about the O/M in anyway other then as a selfish, nasty opportunist that didn't care enough about his own marriage. He is a predator who is helping you destroy yours. Like I said, the two of you need to decide if marriage is what you both want, if it is then commit to each other and do whatever it takes to fix the disaster you have made of it. The fact that you have amazing children should be enough motivation, they deserve to have 100% commitment from both of you.

 

I agree. At this point I do not believe we will get divorced, but I am fully aware of the time it is going to take to prove to my husband that I am where I want to be. That will include a lot of self learning of myself. I can only be a good wife and mother if I am mentally healthy, and I don't think I am at all right now.

[merrmeade]

I also sent my goodbye message to the OM. I had initially blocked his number, but my husband asked me to ask him about where he lives because it didn't match up to what I told him. I apologized and told him that I wish we would have taken more thought to the people we were hurting through our selfish act, and that if I wanted to have any chance at fixing things, that it had to be the end completely for us. I told him we were foolish to think we could be just friends.

 

He said he understands and respects that and was sorry as well.

 

And that was that. I will now block his number again, and keep the messages for my husband to see if he wants to.

Really? You just ticked that off the list? I doubt if that was REALLY that for your husband.

[alsudduth]

Really? You just ticked that off the list? I doubt if that was REALLY that for your husband.

 

In my opinion, I shouldn't focus any other time or thought into the OM if saving my marriage is what I want. I didn't write that to insinuate that everything is hunky dory now, I wrote it to say I have no other reason now to reach out to OM and can now work on putting him out of my mind and focusing on my husband.

[JoeSmith357-1]

I'm sorry your xGF didn't have the shame to take responsibility for her own actions. I hope you have found happiness elsewhere.

 

I have not, although, it has not been very long. I went through denial for a while about the whole thing, she gaslighted me hard core. I posted about it here a while back, my very first post here.

 

It took an unexpected turn this weekend... and we may be reconciling. I dont know...

Edited July 11, 2016 by JoeSmith357-1

[alsudduth]

I have not, although, it has not been very long. I went through denial for a while about the whole thing, she gaslighted me hard core. I posted about it here a while back, my very first post here.

 

It took an unexpected turn this weekend... and we may be reconciling. I dont know...

 

well for your sake, if you reconcile, I hope she does what it takes to win your trust back. it isn't easy. I'm in my first week of trying to do the right thing. It's not terribly hard, and I imagine it will get easier with time, but it has been very emotional. It is not something I ever want to revisit. I will do whatever it takes to not have to hurt my husband like I have again.

[alsudduth]

It's still all about you, right?

 

When your every thought and actions become focused on how your husband must feel then you might be capable of making some progress.

 

And come on, you know why you did it - you don't need a therapist spoon feeding you your own truth.

 

Get busy being honest and more UNselfish - then the marriage may start healing.

 

I have been as honest as I can be with my husband, it doesn't negate the need for me to fix myself as well.

 

For the record, my husband agrees that this is a good idea. The main thought in working on me is so that I CAN be the trustworthy person my husband needs. Rebuilding trust with him is going to take a long time, I might as well fix myself while I'm going through this process.

 

Clearly this has become about who can twist everything I say into a selfish meaning to infer that i only think of myself and still am only thinking of myself or that I don't see the pain that I've caused my husband when I very clearly see the pain I've caused and am looking for ways to better myself and my relationship. I came here looking for advice on how to handle the situation. I'm grateful for the good advice I've recieved, thank you to the ones who have given me sound advice, it has not gone unheard.

[merrmeade]

I really hope I am prepared for the tough days ahead. I realize that it won't be easy, but if I didn't want things to work out, I wouldn't stay at this point.

 

He didn't want a timeline of the affair, he asked me the questions he wanted to know and I was honest with him about details and timelines. He is also aware of why I feel like I got to the point that I did.

 

I have started looking at therapists that could help me specifically in this situation. I feel like I have to heal myself from whatever I am suppressing deep down that is leading me to make the bad choices I have made. I told my husband last night that I think a lot of it stems from such a self hatred and insecurity of myself that I crave for anyone/everyone but especially men to tell me I'm special, beautiful, awesome, etc. So my first goal is to find out why I'm like that, and what I can do for myself to not feel a need for constant affirmation.

 

One thing I know for sure is that this situation has been a real reality check for me and what I want in my relationship.

First I want to acknowledge that you're doing a brave thing, putting yourself out here for everyone to react to - and coming back to take more each day. That's brave.

 

Also I think you are genuinely trying to understand yourself and what made you step out of your marriage for validation, among other things - beginning the process anyway. That part will be a long process, of course.

 

And you clearly want your marriage back and you want to make it better.

 

But what I still am hearing is - what you want. Your marriage. A future. Your husband.

 

For him to notice, to seriously turn his head it has to be your effort to understand what's going on with him. You have to show your willingness to accept and understand whatever comes out of him, short of violence.

 

What you did to HIM is where your focus belongs. You have to spend time trying to really know and feel his pain at your hands.

 

Watch him and try to see, feel and understand what he's going through and then show him that you do. Don't think it away. Don't even try to fix his pain (you can't); just acknowledge it any way you can. Don't say that it makes you feel terrible because it reminds you of what you did. It has to be genuine, meaning it has to truly cut your heart in two to see him suffer.

 

Make it about him, not about you, and make it true.

Edited July 12, 2016 by merrmeade

[Jersey born raised]

A bit back in this thread your mentioned your husband demeaning your EA OM. Did you ever run down his?

 

I think you are taking the right steps, but is he? At this point I wonder if this isnt being used by him to control you. If you read my past posts I am sure this is the first time I've every posted this thpught.

 

Finally bear in mind your husband is not posting here (and I am not suggesting he should) so the advise you receive is suspect,

[alsudduth]

My husband is a very quiet person. He doesn't get all "feely" on the outside. Regardless of this, I KNOW how much I've hurt him. I have made sure to tell him that it was unacceptable behavior on my part and that he didn't deserve this.

 

For him, he believes that I don't want to be with him. And who can blame him? I don't. That is how he is relaying his hurt to me. My job is to do whatever it takes to prove to him that not only do I want to be with him, but that someday he can trust me to not hurt him like that again. I am doing that by leaving my phone open to him, keeping in contact with him through the day to let him know he is on my mind, encouraging him to talk to me when he has something on his mind, and if he can't talk to me just yet, to talk to someone. He told his sister last night while they were at the gym. I'm glad he has her to talk through this with. I hope that someday he will feel again like he can talk to me about what he is going through, but first I have to prove that it's safe for him to do so.

 

JerseyBorn - I do not feel that he is using this as a control over me, I think he truly just doesn't trust me at this point (and I get it) someday he may realize that he still has some making up to do himself for his past indiscretions, but right now is about me showing him that we are worth getting to the point that it is worth it to him to fight just as hard as I plan to be for as long as it takes for us to find a happy place again.

[alsudduth]

A bit back in this thread your mentioned your husband demeaning your EA OM. Did you ever run down his?

 

to answer your question though, I absolutely gave her a piece of my mind when she sent her ugly mug in a picture to my husband with a heart emoji. And I might have mentioned to my husband that if I ever was in the same room with her, that I would probably punch her in her stupid face.