The inevitable happened

[alsudduth]

I used to waitress in a bar. It was my job to be flirtatious and play the come hither part or my tips would suck. I was completely aware of my body language, how I carried myself, how loudly I laughed. It was all intended to extract money from the patrons' hands, even if that meant letting them stuff it down my bra. The horny young buxom man-hungry waitress was an act. My husband's kind and generous nature, well - not an act, exactly...

 

I don't think my husband consciously makes choices to be the protector/rescuer - it's part of who he is and he genuinely cares for his friends and mine. But sometimes the supportive hugs are just a little too supportive, the conversations are just a little too long, and the interest in updates is a little too interested to NOT be misinterpreted. When he's doing it with my BFF it's one thing, when he did it with the lunch truck lady well - all hell broke loose because while my BFF knows he wasn't throwing anything down for her to pick up, his xOW ran with it - or rather him - right into the nearest office building bathroom. I don't doubt the opportunity for him to take advantage of a broken bird has existed on a number of occasions but our marriage was on shaky grounds and he was vulnerable enough to respond. Voila. Perfect sh*tstorm.

 

Being aware of what you're putting out there is important.

 

(you can only guess my location if you can say something about taking a wrong turn here like Bugs Bunny lol)

 

This all makes perfect sense. Under normal circumstances my "revealing/encourager/flirter" nature that garnered unwanted attention would be unwanted and rebuffed, but since my marriage was rocky, and I was (as you put it - vulnerable) when it presented itself, I went with it.

 

***I knew I shoulda taken a left turn at Albuquerque!***

[alsudduth]

I've seen WW here that don't give a flip about their husbands, other who are emotionally beating themselves to death over hurting him....in you i see neither. I see meh, like you feel slightly bad about it but the tone of resentment drowns it out.

 

Maybe I am reading it wrong.

 

No I feel really bad about it, and I have lots of ups and downs with my emotions. I just feel like crying non stop about what happened isn't going to make it any better, so I choose instead to focus on understanding HOW I got to the WHY I made my choice and taking steps to ensure I don't let our relationship get to those points again.

 

I think my husband and I are going to be ok. With time, and understanding, and forgiveness, and healing we are going to be ok. Is the trust shattered? Yes. Do I feel horrible about being the cause of that? Yes. Do I feel like it's a lost cause and I should just wallow in regret? NO. I feel like I should do something to make sure it doesn't get worse.

 

I'd be lying if I said there was no resentment. I think it's a big part of the HOW I got to the WHY I made the choices I did. But I also see that my husband has been trying to make up for the resentment I have based on his own past actions, and I just need to open myself up to accepting his efforts, where I didn't in the past.

[DKT3]

Here is the thing, in any long term relationship both parties will have resentment about something, so it's not a reach to say his resentment over the course of your marriage is equal to your own, you then added in the affair.

 

The danger it this is a bs has to convince themselves to stay in the marriage, and believe me it's a battle every day in the wake of finding out.

 

Thing may seem fine, he may seem like he can do it then boom he leaves or asks you to leave.

 

We recently had a poster here who was six years removed when her husband packed up and left.

 

Unresolved issues....it's important that your focus stay on him healing and how you can help him do so. Aw long as you see progress you have to let go of the resentment...I'm sure if I sense it in your words here he surely can living with you every day.

[Lobe]

I'd be lying if I said there was no resentment. I think it's a big part of the HOW I got to the WHY I made the choices I did. But I also see that my husband has been trying to make up for the resentment I have based on his own past actions, and I just need to open myself up to accepting his efforts, where I didn't in the past.

 

I read an article quite some time ago that discussed resentment as the silent killer of marriages. I can't remember which affair site it was but it really struck a chord with me, for two reasons.

 

The first was my own resentment of my WH for his actions. I was unable to accept his reparations at face value because I suspected it was just a show to hook me back in a f*ck me over again. I stewed in the anger I felt and we didn't see any change in that until my curry-toting MC said, "Well, have you told him how mad you are?" And I actually hadn't properly articulated my anger. My pain, my humiliation, my sadness yes, but not my anger. I felt like I could show him the "soft" emotions because they would draw out that protector/rescuer thing but knowing how incredibly conflict avoidant he was, I never once told him how much rage I had built up. I would wait until he was gone from then house and beat the sh*t out of cardboard boxes and do the ugly cry in IC, always afraid that if he saw I was angry, he would just avoid (leave) me.

 

The second was HIS resentment. We had been through a really rough couple of years, during which I got really heavy and cut him off from sex because I was too self-conscious. Around that same time, he started feeling restless and started having a classic midlife crisis. It wasn't that I wasn't interested in what he was exploring but I did yoga in my 20s and discovered I like kickboxing better, I've not bought into astrology since I was in my teens, and I like bread and meat so going gluten free vegan was a solo venture for him. I bought his yoga pass and a subscription to an astrology site, and started learning new recipes for vegan gluten free dishes that I cooked ALONG WITH the regular meals I prepared for our family, but that went unnoticed because there was no sex. When he came home after the A, he started acting like his old self (hunting, quadding, wondering why anyone would pay money to see the Long Island Medium...) The timing of him snapping out of the affair fog, our hysterical bonding, and me wanting desperately not to lose my marriage so chattering on about how great it was to share a meal again made him feel like it was too little too late. "How come you only put in the effort when you think you're going to lose me?"

 

We both rewrote the marriage history, though - when he starts a statement with "you always" or "you never" I just wait to see what tidbit of leftover fantasyland weirdness is about to fall from his lips, whereas I have a tendency to put on rosy glasses and pretend like things were never that bad even though they have been really bad at times. Sadly, our oppositional tendencies don't magically create a balanced view of our marriage or do yin and yang, it just creates distance that we still struggle to close the gap on.

 

I'm kind of curious what kinds of "never" and "always" statements you have stored up in your relationship, both of you, that are perpetuating resentment. If left unchecked, it really will kill your marriage. Are you doing MC at all? Why did hubby have an A? Did you ever resolve those issues or did you rug-sweep them and they still exist?

[DKT3]

I read an article quite some time ago that discussed resentment as the silent killer of marriages. I can't remember which affair site it was but it really struck a chord with me, for two reasons.

 

The first was my own resentment of my WH for his actions. I was unable to accept his reparations at face value because I suspected it was just a show to hook me back in a f*ck me over again. I stewed in the anger I felt and we didn't see any change in that until my curry-toting MC said, "Well, have you told him how mad you are?" And I actually hadn't properly articulated my anger. My pain, my humiliation, my sadness yes, but not my anger. I felt like I could show him the "soft" emotions because they would draw out that protector/rescuer thing but knowing how incredibly conflict avoidant he was, I never once told him how much rage I had built up. I would wait until he was gone from then house and beat the sh*t out of cardboard boxes and do the ugly cry in IC, always afraid that if he saw I was angry, he would just avoid (leave) me.

 

The second was HIS resentment. We had been through a really rough couple of years, during which I got really heavy and cut him off from sex because I was too self-conscious. Around that same time, he started feeling restless and started having a classic midlife crisis. It wasn't that I wasn't interested in what he was exploring but I did yoga in my 20s and discovered I like kickboxing better, I've not bought into astrology since I was in my teens, and I like bread and meat so going gluten free vegan was a solo venture for him. I bought his yoga pass and a subscription to an astrology site, and started learning new recipes for vegan gluten free dishes that I cooked ALONG WITH the regular meals I prepared for our family, but that went unnoticed because there was no sex. When he came home after the A, he started acting like his old self (hunting, quadding, wondering why anyone would pay money to see the Long Island Medium...) The timing of him snapping out of the affair fog, our hysterical bonding, and me wanting desperately not to lose my marriage so chattering on about how great it was to share a meal again made him feel like it was too little too late. "How come you only put in the effort when you think you're going to lose me?"

 

We both rewrote the marriage history, though - when he starts a statement with "you always" or "you never" I just wait to see what tidbit of leftover fantasyland weirdness is about to fall from his lips, whereas I have a tendency to put on rosy glasses and pretend like things were never that bad even though they have been really bad at times. Sadly, our oppositional tendencies don't magically create a balanced view of our marriage or do yin and yang, it just creates distance that we still struggle to close the gap on.

 

I'm kind of curious what kinds of "never" and "always" statements you have stored up in your relationship, both of you, that are perpetuating resentment. If left unchecked, it really will kill your marriage. Are you doing MC at all? Why did hubby have an A? Did you ever resolve those issues or did you rug-sweep them and they still exist?

 

Funny you say that. There was 14 months between when I knew she had cheated and me filing for divorce( she never confirmed or really denied the affair until then...before I got nothing) During this period she would randomly comment about her not understanding why I would find a career that would keep me local, why i was opposed to her being a working mom. I knew at the time she was justifying the affair she still wouldn't admit to.

 

In time I realized I was kinda a jackazz for much of our relationship, however in the moment I felt like she was blaming me for the affair that once again she wouldn't admit to. It shut me down after eight months I was just over it,

 

Looking back, I have alot of regrets I wish I had been honest about my intent to divorce...i gave the attorney the go ahead to have her served on a Thursday, that Sundays she sat me down and asked if we were ok, and what could she do to help because I seemed down. I said we're fine, the following Tuesday she was served. Douchebag move (never used that word before). Secondly, again looking back, she was so scared I was so wrapped up in pain and anger I didn't care. I wish I had been man enough to hug her and tell her no matter what she would be ok...

 

My point is we all have issues both prior to and after the affair. All those issues have to be addressed, but it has to he handled in a way that keeps both parties in the fight. Hanging on to resentment from the past will take his will to fight. It's like a car crash victim that suffered a head injury and a broken leg...you have to deal with the head injury before you work on the broken leg.

[alsudduth]

I feel like the last two posts certainly make sense, so I asked my husband this afternoon what, if any, resentment he felt for me prior to asking for a divorce 3 years ago. He said none that he could think of.

 

I'm not sure how to feel about that. I mean he certainly has justified resentment now. I had resentments towards him before he asked for a divorce, and on top of that was absolutely crushed, CRUSHED when he told me wanted a divorce. If I'm honest I still am crushed, because I don't feel like I did anything to deserve that. I was a good wife to him, and he agrees. That makes it more heartbreaking to me.

 

I don't know what any of that means now, it doesn't negate the hurt and anger he has towards me now, the whole thing is just heartbreaking to me. I'm tired of feeling like when people ask how we are doing I can't just say "we're great!" And mean it. I want to mean it. I will do whatever it takes on my end, but honestly I'm pretty scared about what he will bring.

 

So far, he's been very sweet to me and I feel like I'm doing everything I can to begin building back the trust, but he's not wearing his ring. And I get it, but about 10 months before telling me he wanted a divorce, he stopped wearing his ring, and just came up with excuses (it bothers his finger while working out, he misplaced it, he just doesn't like it) he's worn it almost religiously for the last 6 months or so up until dday. Not wearing it brings back the fear of being misled into thinking everything will be ok, only to be crushed again later, deserved or not.

[DKT3]

Guys that have no resentment don't ask for a divorce

[alsudduth]

Guys that have no resentment don't ask for a divorce

 

 

When he told me he wanted the divorce, he said he felt like he was never meant to be married, and that he felt pressured by his family to "make an honest woman out of me" since we had our children before marriage.

 

I don't buy it completely though, seeing as we had been together almost 16/17 years at that point.

 

Early mid-life crisis? This was in the midst of his own EA.

[Lobe]

Did you or hubby do MC/IC after his A? Some of the "I'm not worthy" stuff sounds like either low self esteem or guilt tripping. Maybe both. Something isn't adding up. Am I missing something?

[DKT3]

Have you gone back and read your old threads? I think you will find it interesting In a couple ways....1) it's so clear your deep into your affair 2) your pretty hard on your husband, almost hateful in spots.

 

You lay all your marriage issuez in his lap and made is seem like he was the one with all the issues, while admitting to seeking out male attention, which you also blamed on your husband.

[alsudduth]

Did you or hubby do MC/IC after his A? Some of the "I'm not worthy" stuff sounds like either low self esteem or guilt tripping. Maybe both. Something isn't adding up. Am I missing something?

 

We went to IC and MC for over a year. Weekly. He refuses to go back at this point because he doesn't feel like it helped...I can't really argue with him on that right now. I will go back to IC myself, and maybe he might agree to as well at some point.

 

I think we have just rug swept a lot of problems for a long time and don't know how to recover and keep from repeating the same patterns. But I want to.

[alsudduth]

Have you gone back and read your old threads? I think you will find it interesting In a couple ways....1) it's so clear your deep into your affair 2) your pretty hard on your husband, almost hateful in spots.

 

You lay all your marriage issuez in his lap and made is seem like he was the one with all the issues, while admitting to seeking out male attention, which you also blamed on your husband.

 

Re 1. I WAS deep into the affair, my husband finding out was the smack in the face I needed to realize how dumb it was. I have no interest in contacting him again.

 

Re 2. I HAVE been hard on my husband. I have never hated him, and never would. You are only hearing my side of a story, my husband has his side also, but I know as much of it as you do, since we are apparently horrible at communicating with each other.

 

I don't feel like I've ever said all the marriage issues were in his lap, but I will say it's hard to fix something when it's like pulling teeth to get him to talk about a problem. I made bad choices in how I dealt with the frustration in my marriage, I can take responsibility for that,acknowledge that I lean towards those behaviors, learn my triggers, and find ways to combat those tendencies.

 

I think I'm never going to convince you that I'm sincere in what I'm saying, and that's ok, since you aren't the one I have to prove it to.

[alsudduth]

 

In time I realized I was kinda a jackazz for much of our relationship, however in the moment I felt like she was blaming me for the affair that once again she wouldn't admit to. It shut me down after eight months I was just over it,

 

I get the impression that you feel justified for being a self admitted jerk, because she had an affair. If she hadn't had an affair, do you think you ever would have realized that?

 

I'm not trying to offend or anything, this statement just made me curious. Regardless of whether you divorced or not, did you ever offer your own apology for being a jerk for much of your relationship, or do you feel like it's not required because she had an affair?

[Lobe]

We went to IC and MC for over a year. Weekly. He refuses to go back at this point because he doesn't feel like it helped...I can't really argue with him on that right now. I will go back to IC myself, and maybe he might agree to as well at some point.

 

I think we have just rug swept a lot of problems for a long time and don't know how to recover and keep from repeating the same patterns. But I want to.

 

Have you identified some of those patterns? And maybe you need a different MC. There's a really great exercise we did from a book I can't remember called "flip flop" - you make two columns and on the flip side you write down 10 things about your spouse that might be considered a "negative" quality. In the flop column we had to turn that around and find a way to turn it into a "positive." I'm too independent (I get things done), I'm stubborn (I stuck up for what I believe in), I'm outspoken (i can make people laugh), I'm opinionated (I'm articulate and educated), I am a drill sergeant about punctuality (we don't miss boarding planes or getting to the recital on time). My WH is quiet (he's calming), soft spoken (gentle and kind), conflict avoidant (tries to find peaceful solutions), flirtatious (he's incredibly sexy), and impulsive (he keeps life from getting too regimented.) our MC also sent us to the needs comparison worksheet on marriage builders marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html We did it as homework - I filled out mine, he filled out his, then we traded and went in separate rooms to read. It was interesting seeing how much we assumed we knew about each other. Our little East Indian MC said "you can't fix what you don't know is broken..." If he won't go for MC, maybe you and your husband can do this kind of stuff together instead to try moving towards each other again.

 

And, your situation begs the question too, have you considered that maybe your marriage really just is done?

[DKT3]

I get the impression that you feel justified for being a self admitted jerk, because she had an affair. If she hadn't had an affair, do you think you ever would have realized that?

 

I'm not trying to offend or anything, this statement just made me curious. Regardless of whether you divorced or not, did you ever offer your own apology for being a jerk for much of your relationship, or do you feel like it's not required because she had an affair?

 

Oh yes....we have actually since remarried. My issue was never one of intent but one of thinking I knew what was best for us as a family unit. Too many unilateral decisions on my part. I actually brought a home without any input from her.

 

I also held her to such a high standard that it was impossible for her to live up to it. Again never my intention. To me it was paying her compliments. Example, I would constantly say things like "oh my wife would never do that" or "she would have handled that in a much better way" constant pressure applied by me on her to be perfect. This was a very hard concept for me to accept and grasp.

 

Couple that with me being away from home upwards of 250 days a year.

 

Her affair was much different then most, honestly without the very few sexual encounters I would have had no issues with the friendship they shared. The reason I believe was because in reality she was having an affair with me. Our marriage had turned into nights on the town all over the world as she would fly out to meet me, hotel/motel sex. We always maintained a very strong sexual connection which kept her from seeking that with om. However it was the every day things, her needing and wanting a shoulder to lean on. Coming to me would once again get the "your perfect, you can handle it, im comfortable with whatever direction you go" response.

 

I came to terms with not only the pressures I put her under but also how it was emotionally abusive (feels like that term is too strong still).

 

She has made giant strides as well. But we never did them with the goal of being together again, or at least I didn't.

[Lobe]

Oh yes....we have actually since remarried

 

I think that's the number one reason I didn't walk away from trying to R - ultimately, I think we would have fallen back into each other regardless of whether we separated or not. I certainly don't believe in fate or soul mates of that sort of fluffy crap but I do think my WH and I belong together.

 

Aaaaand... You brought home a what without telling your wife?!

[DKT3]

I think that's the number one reason I didn't walk away from trying to R - ultimately, I think we would have fallen back into each other regardless of whether we separated or not. I certainly don't believe in fate or soul mates of that sort of fluffy crap but I do think my WH and I belong together.

 

Aaaaand... You brought home a what without telling your wife?!

 

I got the whole house without telling her. Sorry for the typo

[DKT3]

I think that's the number one reason I didn't walk away from trying to R - ultimately, I think we would have fallen back into each other regardless of whether we separated or not. I certainly don't believe in fate or soul mates of that sort of fluffy crap but I do think my WH and I belong together.

 

Aaaaand... You brought home a what without telling your wife?!

It was never in my plans to ever allow her back in my life outside of coparenting. I went an entire year were we spoke only a few times. I started another relationship. Which in itself created some huge issues, because of who it was.

 

Having been together since we were kids we were so unhealthy in our codependency. I doubt with the time apart we would have grown enough as individuals to maintain our relationship.

 

Sorry for the TJ....my story is written here, my wife also posts from time to time

[alsudduth]

 

Having been together since we were kids we were so unhealthy in our codependency. I doubt with the time apart we would have grown enough as individuals to maintain our relationship.

 

 

we have been together since I was 15. no doubt codependency is part of what keeps it together.

 

Lobe - You asked if I have thought maybe the relationship is just over.

 

I have thought of that, and sometimes I wonder if that will be the outcome...but I also believe that you have to choose to love someone, and I choose to love my husband and not give up on him. If I can learn as I grow to make my marriage stronger in the long run, that's what I want to choose.

[Lobe]

we have been together since I was 15. no doubt codependency is part of what keeps it together.

 

Lobe - You asked if I have thought maybe the relationship is just over.

 

I have thought of that, and sometimes I wonder if that will be the outcome...but I also believe that you have to choose to love someone, and I choose to love my husband and not give up on him. If I can learn as I grow to make my marriage stronger in the long run, that's what I want to choose.

 

It's weird answering to "Lobe." I was into the mojitos when I set my account up and it was supposed to be "Love." I was all, woo yeah! Name not taken! But yeah. Lobe. I prefer to think of myself a brain lobe not an earlobe, for whatever it's worth.

 

Anyhoo.

 

I concur 100% that you need to choose to keep loving someone. There was no reconciling with my first husband - he was violent and an addict - but WH... I think we just lost sight of each other for a bit. I choose him. Unless he throws his weiner down some other woman's hallway again. Then all bets are off lol

Edited July 20, 2016 by Lobe
Typos grrr

[alsudduth]

I've heard that sometimes after an A the WS will be over paranoid that their BS is going to cheat.

 

My husband and I see a chiropractor a few times a week, usually at different times and part of the care is seeing a dr for injections, etc..

 

So today I was talking to the Dr and she was asking me a lot about life stresses and I mentioned how my husband and I are pretty stressed right now, and without going into detail mentioned that we've had a tough go lately. I almost got the impression though that she already knew that. I suppose my H could have said something.

 

Then my H came in for an apt and also was seeing the Dr. He came out to say goodbye as I was leaving and he was chewing gum. I jokingly asked where he found some gum and he said "my special friend back there" and then said it was from the Dr.

 

Normally I wouldn't be suspicious of that at all, but because of my convo with her and the feeling I got it all just didn't set right with me. I have so much flying through my brain, first and foremost being "is something going on here, and that's why he's been so nice and loving, because he has his own secret?!"

 

Clearly this is just my overactive, guilty concience and paranoia right?!

[Lobe]

I've heard that sometimes after an A the WS will be over paranoid that their BS is going to cheat.

 

...paranoia right?!

 

You're a betrayed spouse - what did you do?

 

My husband came right out and asked me if I was having an affair about 4 months into our R. I was hiding my phone, closing windows, swiping the page away whenever he came by. I wasn't having an affair - I was reading Loveshack and didn't want him to find my "sanctuary" lol

 

Did I think about a revenge affair? Absolutely. I wanted him to feel just an ounce of the pain I was feeling. But I also realized that I'd still have to look at myself in the mirror everyday and I wanted to see a person with her moral integrity intact. If I fall in love with someone new it'll be without the inconvenience of my marriage in the way.

[alsudduth]

You're a betrayed spouse - what did you do?

 

My husband came right out and asked me if I was having an affair about 4 months into our R. I was hiding my phone, closing windows, swiping the page away whenever he came by. I wasn't having an affair - I was reading Loveshack and didn't want him to find my "sanctuary" lol

 

Did I think about a revenge affair? Absolutely. I wanted him to feel just an ounce of the pain I was feeling. But I also realized that I'd still have to look at myself in the mirror everyday and I wanted to see a person with her moral integrity intact. If I fall in love with someone new it'll be without the inconvenience of my marriage in the way.

 

Yeah.....I had an affair. And we know he is capable of the same. What can I do to communicate with him so we don't fall into a potentially bad cycle?

[alsudduth]

I feel like I can't voice my concern, because I feel like I deserve for him to have an affair.

[Lobe]

I feel like I can't voice my concern, because I feel like I deserve for him to have an affair.

 

You say like this.

 

"Hey. We've both cheated. I'm worried we are setting ourselves up for a repetitive cycle of revenge affairs. I'm worried you are going to have one now and I almost feel like I deserve it. What are your thoughts?"

 

The hardest part of R for us has been standing in a place of vulnerability and saying all the awful insecure weird things in our head. I don't trust my husband not to hurt me but how can I let him earn it back if I don't give him the opportunity to prove himself? He feels undeserving but how can we address the issue of his unmet needs if he won't tell me what they are?

 

Look at it this way. All the easy conversation and self-revelation you had with the AP? That belonged to your husband. Give it back to him. The confessions, the intimate details of your thoughts, the romantic ideas you had - turn them back towards your husband. The more consistent and honest you are the better things will get. At least, that's what's been working for us.