The inevitable happened

[alsudduth]

 

Having been together since we were kids we were so unhealthy in our codependency. I doubt with the time apart we would have grown enough as individuals to maintain our relationship.

 

 

we have been together since I was 15. no doubt codependency is part of what keeps it together.

 

Lobe - You asked if I have thought maybe the relationship is just over.

 

I have thought of that, and sometimes I wonder if that will be the outcome...but I also believe that you have to choose to love someone, and I choose to love my husband and not give up on him. If I can learn as I grow to make my marriage stronger in the long run, that's what I want to choose.

[Lobe]

we have been together since I was 15. no doubt codependency is part of what keeps it together.

 

Lobe - You asked if I have thought maybe the relationship is just over.

 

I have thought of that, and sometimes I wonder if that will be the outcome...but I also believe that you have to choose to love someone, and I choose to love my husband and not give up on him. If I can learn as I grow to make my marriage stronger in the long run, that's what I want to choose.

 

It's weird answering to "Lobe." I was into the mojitos when I set my account up and it was supposed to be "Love." I was all, woo yeah! Name not taken! But yeah. Lobe. I prefer to think of myself a brain lobe not an earlobe, for whatever it's worth.

 

Anyhoo.

 

I concur 100% that you need to choose to keep loving someone. There was no reconciling with my first husband - he was violent and an addict - but WH... I think we just lost sight of each other for a bit. I choose him. Unless he throws his weiner down some other woman's hallway again. Then all bets are off lol

Edited July 20, 2016 by Lobe
Typos grrr

[alsudduth]

I've heard that sometimes after an A the WS will be over paranoid that their BS is going to cheat.

 

My husband and I see a chiropractor a few times a week, usually at different times and part of the care is seeing a dr for injections, etc..

 

So today I was talking to the Dr and she was asking me a lot about life stresses and I mentioned how my husband and I are pretty stressed right now, and without going into detail mentioned that we've had a tough go lately. I almost got the impression though that she already knew that. I suppose my H could have said something.

 

Then my H came in for an apt and also was seeing the Dr. He came out to say goodbye as I was leaving and he was chewing gum. I jokingly asked where he found some gum and he said "my special friend back there" and then said it was from the Dr.

 

Normally I wouldn't be suspicious of that at all, but because of my convo with her and the feeling I got it all just didn't set right with me. I have so much flying through my brain, first and foremost being "is something going on here, and that's why he's been so nice and loving, because he has his own secret?!"

 

Clearly this is just my overactive, guilty concience and paranoia right?!

[Lobe]

I've heard that sometimes after an A the WS will be over paranoid that their BS is going to cheat.

 

...paranoia right?!

 

You're a betrayed spouse - what did you do?

 

My husband came right out and asked me if I was having an affair about 4 months into our R. I was hiding my phone, closing windows, swiping the page away whenever he came by. I wasn't having an affair - I was reading Loveshack and didn't want him to find my "sanctuary" lol

 

Did I think about a revenge affair? Absolutely. I wanted him to feel just an ounce of the pain I was feeling. But I also realized that I'd still have to look at myself in the mirror everyday and I wanted to see a person with her moral integrity intact. If I fall in love with someone new it'll be without the inconvenience of my marriage in the way.

[alsudduth]

You're a betrayed spouse - what did you do?

 

My husband came right out and asked me if I was having an affair about 4 months into our R. I was hiding my phone, closing windows, swiping the page away whenever he came by. I wasn't having an affair - I was reading Loveshack and didn't want him to find my "sanctuary" lol

 

Did I think about a revenge affair? Absolutely. I wanted him to feel just an ounce of the pain I was feeling. But I also realized that I'd still have to look at myself in the mirror everyday and I wanted to see a person with her moral integrity intact. If I fall in love with someone new it'll be without the inconvenience of my marriage in the way.

 

Yeah.....I had an affair. And we know he is capable of the same. What can I do to communicate with him so we don't fall into a potentially bad cycle?

[alsudduth]

I feel like I can't voice my concern, because I feel like I deserve for him to have an affair.

[Lobe]

I feel like I can't voice my concern, because I feel like I deserve for him to have an affair.

 

You say like this.

 

"Hey. We've both cheated. I'm worried we are setting ourselves up for a repetitive cycle of revenge affairs. I'm worried you are going to have one now and I almost feel like I deserve it. What are your thoughts?"

 

The hardest part of R for us has been standing in a place of vulnerability and saying all the awful insecure weird things in our head. I don't trust my husband not to hurt me but how can I let him earn it back if I don't give him the opportunity to prove himself? He feels undeserving but how can we address the issue of his unmet needs if he won't tell me what they are?

 

Look at it this way. All the easy conversation and self-revelation you had with the AP? That belonged to your husband. Give it back to him. The confessions, the intimate details of your thoughts, the romantic ideas you had - turn them back towards your husband. The more consistent and honest you are the better things will get. At least, that's what's been working for us.

[alsudduth]

So really not a lot to update, but I am happy to say that things have been going fairly well.....

 

My H is talking about the future with me, which leads me to believe that as long as I keep on what I'm doing (which is the right thing of course!) I think we will be good.

 

I'm still struggling a little with communication. I think because things are going so well so far, I don't want to rock the boat by talking about bad things, and I still get very emotional when I talk to him about it, because I still feel super guilty and ashamed, I don't want to cry in front of him about it because I know in the past he's said that it makes him uncomfortable to have a conversation while I'm crying, and I don't want him to think I'm trying to make him feel sorry for me, or feel like I'm trying to get sympathy from him. I'm not, I'm just a crier in uncomfortable and sad situations.

 

He still isn't wearing his ring, and I sense a little bit of distance which is understandable, however overall he is still very loving towards me, he initiates affection, and wants to do things with me still. I'm pretty hopeful that eventually we will come out of this stronger than we've ever been.

 

Being together so young, I feel like it was inevitable that we would have a major major blip in our relationship, we've grown into two completely different people than we were as teens and it's been a real struggle for both of us to try and find a new respect for the new adults we became, the parents we want to be, and how to love as adults vs teenagers. But honestly for the first time in about 7 years, I feel like I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I think I'm almost ready to graduate into posting in the Marriage/Life Partnerships forum instead of the sub thread of ghastly infidelity!

 

I really really appreciate everyone's help and comments...good and bad. There was a lot of bad that I needed to hear, and a lot of good advice. So again thank you all for the support!

[kgcolonel]

Keep it up....you're doing really well....go tell him you love him now.

[alsudduth]

Not really looking for much other than some confidence to keep going. If you've not read my other threads, the long story short is that my H and I have both had affairs (Mine more recent and I got caught) We are a month from DDay.

 

I'm trying really hard to keep a positive attitude. I do feel like I get more and more depressed by the day though and it makes me wonder if I have it in me to continue.

 

It's been a month since I got caught. On the surface things are going pretty good. My H is loving towards me, and speaks about the future and it includes a "we" and not a "he". I am as open as I need to be, try to consider his feelings, and think about what he needs.

 

I have not contacted or heard from OM since DDay. I feel good about that. I had a trigger last week that made me miss him, but not enough to want to reach out to him or anything like that...I was proud of that.

 

I have cried everyday since DDay. 99% of the tears are for the pain I put my husband through and what I potentially have put my kids through. Some are for myself in realizing what I almost lost, and being grateful I wasn't kicked to the curb.

 

I know trying to reconcile is a very hard thing to do. I know that it takes a long time. But I feel more and more despondent that the marriage is going to fail if we can't learn to trust each other. Right now I understand that I am the one who needs to earn some trust back and I'm trying to do everything I can to do so....my H says there is nothing else I can do right now.

 

My husband is very hard to communicate with. I feel like I don't know how to talk to him. I have an apt with a counselor on Monday. I am hoping she can give me ideas on how to approach him.

[Methodical]

You've both had affairs. Have either of you seen a counselor before? What kind of counselor, if I may ask?

[alsudduth]

You've both had affairs. Have either of you seen a counselor before? What kind of counselor, if I may ask?

 

when he had an EA 3 years ago, he told me he wanted a divorce.....changed his mind a few months later, and at that point we each saw an IC as well as a marriage counselor weekly for a year. It didn't work though....I was still too hurt to be fully committed and he just didn't put in the work.

[DKT3]

As long as he shows emotions your moving in the right direction..... patience, trust is a long way off.

[ladydesigner]

As long as he shows emotions your moving in the right direction..... patience, trust is a long way off.

 

I agree trust is a hard one to get back. My WH and I have both cheated as well (My WH being a repeat offender and I had RA). I have HUGE trust issues. I basically cannot trust my WH until I have seen consistency and improvement, so far I haven't seen consistency so my trust for him is shot. He also does not trust me because he will still occasionally ask me questions about my whereabouts.

[usa1ah]

Alsudduth, it gets better with time. My wife didn't cheat but took myself and marriage for granted. It was to the point I was ready to leave after 10 years feeling like I was the only one trying.

 

This was a year and a half ago. Still a work in progress. It takes time to fix what has been broken. with ours it was almost a year before I decided to stay in the marriage.

[Methodical]

I'm not a counselor and know very little about your situation, so the following is speculative conjecture on my part, but may give you something to think about.

 

From my limited POV, he had an affair, proposed divorce and then changed his mind. You both sought counseling that didn't work bc his actions deeply wounded you and left a scar that hasn't faded with time. To make matters worse, in you eyes, he didn't put forth much effort.

 

My guess is that you have lived with a void for several years. Along came someone who filled that void, or at least made it more tolerable. You got attached, which led to your affair. Now that you have been caught and cut that cord, that void has returned. You are trying to compensate for that returned void by self-flagellation, and it isn't working.

 

You don't have to answer this on the forum. Really, it's more a point for you to seriously ponder. Are you remorseful for having the affair, or that you got caught, and the ramifications scare you?

 

Since you feel you can't effectively communicate with your husband, there's a disconnection that goes beyond surface trust issues—something more deeply seated. To heal, you'll have to dig deep to reach the root of the problem instead of putting a band-aid over the scar.

[Lobe]

Since you feel you can't effectively communicate with your husband, there's a disconnection that goes beyond surface trust issues—something more deeply seated. To heal, you'll have to dig deep to reach the root of the problem instead of putting a band-aid over the scar.

 

I feel like yes, the issues you and your husband have are far deeper than the tit for tat of your respective bouts of cheating. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. Your resentment has been replaced with guilt so I think it's completely understandable that you aren't making the kind of progress you would like with your reconciliation. You clearly haven't dealt with the underlying issues and clearly lack the tools (communication) to do so at this time. Maybe the marriage really is just done, but neither of you will allow yourselves to see it because of the affairs. I don't know. I'm not sure what advice to offer but I do hope that you figure out how to get unstuck because it seems like right now you're both just wasting each other's time.

[BluesPower]

If you and your husband had emotional affairs, and went to counseling for a long time, maybe you two need to think about splitting up. If he "did not put in the work" when he had an EA, then maybe it won't work.

 

Why stay in a marriage that is not working for either of you?

 

This is never my first choice for a marriage and it is probably not yours either, but you guys need to think about what you want.

You two need to fix your marriage for real or end it.

 

In a real marriage you and your partner are in love. You want to make each other happy because it makes you happy. You want to make love as often as you can. You can sometimes feel warm inside just by looking at the other person and thinking about how much you love them. If you can't get to something like this then give it up.

Edited August 3, 2016 by BluesPower

[Lobe]

In a real marriage you and your partner are in love. You want to make each other happy because it makes you happy. You want to make love as often as you can. You can sometimes feel warm inside just by looking at the other person and thinking about how much you love them. If you can't get to something like this then give it up.

 

I'm not sure I agree because by that logic I guess I'm not in a "real" marriage... this (to me) sounds more like the feelings that happen at the beginning of an affair than that of a long-term relationship. In fact, the fact this kind of feeling doesn't last forever is what makes people step out on their marriage.

 

My "real" marriage involves bouts of bickering over how much butter goes on the popcorn, hysterical laughter both with and at each other, hard work, cuddling, misunderstanding, boredom, getting eyes rolled at me for my hick sayings, rolling my eyes at him for his horrible puns, wishing he'd sleep on the couch because his snoring keeps me up at night, being unable to sleep when he has to go out of town for work, getting some lazy Sunday morning sex and some late night quickies knowing that it's also OK to not feel obligated to put out simply because he breathes in my direction, feeling like I could murder him, feeling like I would die if he died first, wanting him to be the best person he can be not just because him being happy makes me happy but because it means I don't have to prop him up, wanting a weekend away with him, wanting a weekend away from him... you know, like keeping it real real... lol

 

Anyone who expects champagne and roses for a lifetime instead of appreciating the comfortable loving feeling and deep mutual respect that usually develops once the butterflies have flitted off will be deeply disappointed in every long-term relationship. I think you can rekindle romance and strengthen and deepen your relationship when it goes off track, but if you can't accept and work through the expected and unexpected ups and downs of marriage without developing resentment you're kind of dead in the water.

[ladydesigner]

Anyone who expects champagne and roses for a lifetime instead of appreciating the comfortable loving feeling and deep mutual respect that usually develops once the butterflies have flitted off will be deeply disappointed in every long-term relationship.

 

Yup! Exactly what she said ^^^^

[DKT3]

I'm not sure I agree because by that logic I guess I'm not in a "real" marriage... this (to me) sounds more like the feelings that happen at the beginning of an affair than that of a long-term relationship. In fact, the fact this kind of feeling doesn't last forever is what makes people step out on their marriage.

 

My "real" marriage involves bouts of bickering over how much butter goes on the popcorn, hysterical laughter both with and at each other, hard work, cuddling, misunderstanding, boredom, getting eyes rolled at me for my hick sayings, rolling my eyes at him for his horrible puns, wishing he'd sleep on the couch because his snoring keeps me up at night, being unable to sleep when he has to go out of town for work, getting some lazy Sunday morning sex and some late night quickies knowing that it's also OK to not feel obligated to put out simply because he breathes in my direction, feeling like I could murder him, feeling like I would die if he died first, wanting him to be the best person he can be not just because him being happy makes me happy but because it means I don't have to prop him up, wanting a weekend away with him, wanting a weekend away from him... you know, like keeping it real real... lol

 

Anyone who expects champagne and roses for a lifetime instead of appreciating the comfortable loving feeling and deep mutual respect that usually develops once the butterflies have flitted off will be deeply disappointed in every long-term relationship. I think you can rekindle romance and strengthen and deepen your relationship when it goes off track, but if you can't accept and work through the expected and unexpected ups and downs of marriage without developing resentment you're kind of dead in the water.

 

Bravo.

 

Understanding this gets you through the down time.

[ShatteredLady]

So very true Lobe....

 

"I'm not sure I agree because by that logic I guess I'm not in a "real" marriage... this (to me) sounds more like the feelings that happen at the beginning of an affair than that of a long-term relationship. In fact, the fact this kind of feeling doesn't last forever is what makes people step out on their marriage."

 

...This is why the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is code for "I'm at least thinking very seriously about having an affair!".

[alsudduth]

Thanks guys!

 

I'm definitely learning what it means to love someone once those fluttery feelings fade and you get settled into life.

 

I'm not giving up, it was just an extra hard day emotionally for me the other day.

 

I'm searching for ways to communicate better and get my husband to open up a little more. We got this truth or dare passion game awhile ago. It was just sitting in my drawer, so I pulled out the truth cards and asked him to play with me in an attempt to open up lines of communication.

 

He did and it went great. I think we really enjoyed answering the questions and it was kept lighthearted. I'd love to find some cards like that related to life..this one was just sexual type questions about each other.

 

Do any of you have suggestions?

[Lobe]

Do any of you have suggestions?

 

My WH and I did these:

 

marriagebuilders.com/forms/enq.pdf

 

marriagebuilders.com/forms/MaritalProblemAnalysis.pdf

 

There are more here:

 

marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi4501_enq.html

 

And this study came up with 36 questions that are supposed to make you fall in love: The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings

You each read the tasks/questions then take turns sharing. At the end, you are supposed to look into one another's eyes for 4 minutes.

 

Set I

 

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

 

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

 

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

 

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

 

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

 

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

 

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

 

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

 

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

 

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

 

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

 

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

 

 

Set II

 

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

 

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

 

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

 

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

 

17. What is your most treasured memory?

 

18. What is your most terrible memory?

 

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

 

20. What does friendship mean to you?

 

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

 

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

 

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

 

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

 

Set III

 

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

 

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

 

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

 

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

 

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

 

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

 

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

 

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

 

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

 

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

 

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

 

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

[DKT3]

Thanks guys!

 

I'm definitely learning what it means to love someone once those fluttery feelings fade and you get settled into life.

 

I'm not giving up, it was just an extra hard day emotionally for me the other day.

 

I'm searching for ways to communicate better and get my husband to open up a little more. We got this truth or dare passion game awhile ago. It was just sitting in my drawer, so I pulled out the truth cards and asked him to play with me in an attempt to open up lines of communication.

 

He did and it went great. I think we really enjoyed answering the questions and it was kept lighthearted. I'd love to find some cards like that related to life..this one was just sexual type questions about each other.

 

Do any of you have suggestions?

 

Has he ever really been open with you?