The inevitable happened

[alsudduth]

So really not a lot to update, but I am happy to say that things have been going fairly well.....

 

My H is talking about the future with me, which leads me to believe that as long as I keep on what I'm doing (which is the right thing of course!) I think we will be good.

 

I'm still struggling a little with communication. I think because things are going so well so far, I don't want to rock the boat by talking about bad things, and I still get very emotional when I talk to him about it, because I still feel super guilty and ashamed, I don't want to cry in front of him about it because I know in the past he's said that it makes him uncomfortable to have a conversation while I'm crying, and I don't want him to think I'm trying to make him feel sorry for me, or feel like I'm trying to get sympathy from him. I'm not, I'm just a crier in uncomfortable and sad situations.

 

He still isn't wearing his ring, and I sense a little bit of distance which is understandable, however overall he is still very loving towards me, he initiates affection, and wants to do things with me still. I'm pretty hopeful that eventually we will come out of this stronger than we've ever been.

 

Being together so young, I feel like it was inevitable that we would have a major major blip in our relationship, we've grown into two completely different people than we were as teens and it's been a real struggle for both of us to try and find a new respect for the new adults we became, the parents we want to be, and how to love as adults vs teenagers. But honestly for the first time in about 7 years, I feel like I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I think I'm almost ready to graduate into posting in the Marriage/Life Partnerships forum instead of the sub thread of ghastly infidelity!

 

I really really appreciate everyone's help and comments...good and bad. There was a lot of bad that I needed to hear, and a lot of good advice. So again thank you all for the support!

[kgcolonel]

Keep it up....you're doing really well....go tell him you love him now.

[alsudduth]

Not really looking for much other than some confidence to keep going. If you've not read my other threads, the long story short is that my H and I have both had affairs (Mine more recent and I got caught) We are a month from DDay.

 

I'm trying really hard to keep a positive attitude. I do feel like I get more and more depressed by the day though and it makes me wonder if I have it in me to continue.

 

It's been a month since I got caught. On the surface things are going pretty good. My H is loving towards me, and speaks about the future and it includes a "we" and not a "he". I am as open as I need to be, try to consider his feelings, and think about what he needs.

 

I have not contacted or heard from OM since DDay. I feel good about that. I had a trigger last week that made me miss him, but not enough to want to reach out to him or anything like that...I was proud of that.

 

I have cried everyday since DDay. 99% of the tears are for the pain I put my husband through and what I potentially have put my kids through. Some are for myself in realizing what I almost lost, and being grateful I wasn't kicked to the curb.

 

I know trying to reconcile is a very hard thing to do. I know that it takes a long time. But I feel more and more despondent that the marriage is going to fail if we can't learn to trust each other. Right now I understand that I am the one who needs to earn some trust back and I'm trying to do everything I can to do so....my H says there is nothing else I can do right now.

 

My husband is very hard to communicate with. I feel like I don't know how to talk to him. I have an apt with a counselor on Monday. I am hoping she can give me ideas on how to approach him.

[Methodical]

You've both had affairs. Have either of you seen a counselor before? What kind of counselor, if I may ask?

[alsudduth]

You've both had affairs. Have either of you seen a counselor before? What kind of counselor, if I may ask?

 

when he had an EA 3 years ago, he told me he wanted a divorce.....changed his mind a few months later, and at that point we each saw an IC as well as a marriage counselor weekly for a year. It didn't work though....I was still too hurt to be fully committed and he just didn't put in the work.

[DKT3]

As long as he shows emotions your moving in the right direction..... patience, trust is a long way off.

[ladydesigner]

As long as he shows emotions your moving in the right direction..... patience, trust is a long way off.

 

I agree trust is a hard one to get back. My WH and I have both cheated as well (My WH being a repeat offender and I had RA). I have HUGE trust issues. I basically cannot trust my WH until I have seen consistency and improvement, so far I haven't seen consistency so my trust for him is shot. He also does not trust me because he will still occasionally ask me questions about my whereabouts.

[usa1ah]

Alsudduth, it gets better with time. My wife didn't cheat but took myself and marriage for granted. It was to the point I was ready to leave after 10 years feeling like I was the only one trying.

 

This was a year and a half ago. Still a work in progress. It takes time to fix what has been broken. with ours it was almost a year before I decided to stay in the marriage.

[Methodical]

I'm not a counselor and know very little about your situation, so the following is speculative conjecture on my part, but may give you something to think about.

 

From my limited POV, he had an affair, proposed divorce and then changed his mind. You both sought counseling that didn't work bc his actions deeply wounded you and left a scar that hasn't faded with time. To make matters worse, in you eyes, he didn't put forth much effort.

 

My guess is that you have lived with a void for several years. Along came someone who filled that void, or at least made it more tolerable. You got attached, which led to your affair. Now that you have been caught and cut that cord, that void has returned. You are trying to compensate for that returned void by self-flagellation, and it isn't working.

 

You don't have to answer this on the forum. Really, it's more a point for you to seriously ponder. Are you remorseful for having the affair, or that you got caught, and the ramifications scare you?

 

Since you feel you can't effectively communicate with your husband, there's a disconnection that goes beyond surface trust issues—something more deeply seated. To heal, you'll have to dig deep to reach the root of the problem instead of putting a band-aid over the scar.

[Lobe]

Since you feel you can't effectively communicate with your husband, there's a disconnection that goes beyond surface trust issues—something more deeply seated. To heal, you'll have to dig deep to reach the root of the problem instead of putting a band-aid over the scar.

 

I feel like yes, the issues you and your husband have are far deeper than the tit for tat of your respective bouts of cheating. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. Your resentment has been replaced with guilt so I think it's completely understandable that you aren't making the kind of progress you would like with your reconciliation. You clearly haven't dealt with the underlying issues and clearly lack the tools (communication) to do so at this time. Maybe the marriage really is just done, but neither of you will allow yourselves to see it because of the affairs. I don't know. I'm not sure what advice to offer but I do hope that you figure out how to get unstuck because it seems like right now you're both just wasting each other's time.

[BluesPower]

If you and your husband had emotional affairs, and went to counseling for a long time, maybe you two need to think about splitting up. If he "did not put in the work" when he had an EA, then maybe it won't work.

 

Why stay in a marriage that is not working for either of you?

 

This is never my first choice for a marriage and it is probably not yours either, but you guys need to think about what you want.

You two need to fix your marriage for real or end it.

 

In a real marriage you and your partner are in love. You want to make each other happy because it makes you happy. You want to make love as often as you can. You can sometimes feel warm inside just by looking at the other person and thinking about how much you love them. If you can't get to something like this then give it up.

Edited August 3, 2016 by BluesPower

[Lobe]

In a real marriage you and your partner are in love. You want to make each other happy because it makes you happy. You want to make love as often as you can. You can sometimes feel warm inside just by looking at the other person and thinking about how much you love them. If you can't get to something like this then give it up.

 

I'm not sure I agree because by that logic I guess I'm not in a "real" marriage... this (to me) sounds more like the feelings that happen at the beginning of an affair than that of a long-term relationship. In fact, the fact this kind of feeling doesn't last forever is what makes people step out on their marriage.

 

My "real" marriage involves bouts of bickering over how much butter goes on the popcorn, hysterical laughter both with and at each other, hard work, cuddling, misunderstanding, boredom, getting eyes rolled at me for my hick sayings, rolling my eyes at him for his horrible puns, wishing he'd sleep on the couch because his snoring keeps me up at night, being unable to sleep when he has to go out of town for work, getting some lazy Sunday morning sex and some late night quickies knowing that it's also OK to not feel obligated to put out simply because he breathes in my direction, feeling like I could murder him, feeling like I would die if he died first, wanting him to be the best person he can be not just because him being happy makes me happy but because it means I don't have to prop him up, wanting a weekend away with him, wanting a weekend away from him... you know, like keeping it real real... lol

 

Anyone who expects champagne and roses for a lifetime instead of appreciating the comfortable loving feeling and deep mutual respect that usually develops once the butterflies have flitted off will be deeply disappointed in every long-term relationship. I think you can rekindle romance and strengthen and deepen your relationship when it goes off track, but if you can't accept and work through the expected and unexpected ups and downs of marriage without developing resentment you're kind of dead in the water.

[ladydesigner]

Anyone who expects champagne and roses for a lifetime instead of appreciating the comfortable loving feeling and deep mutual respect that usually develops once the butterflies have flitted off will be deeply disappointed in every long-term relationship.

 

Yup! Exactly what she said ^^^^

[DKT3]

I'm not sure I agree because by that logic I guess I'm not in a "real" marriage... this (to me) sounds more like the feelings that happen at the beginning of an affair than that of a long-term relationship. In fact, the fact this kind of feeling doesn't last forever is what makes people step out on their marriage.

 

My "real" marriage involves bouts of bickering over how much butter goes on the popcorn, hysterical laughter both with and at each other, hard work, cuddling, misunderstanding, boredom, getting eyes rolled at me for my hick sayings, rolling my eyes at him for his horrible puns, wishing he'd sleep on the couch because his snoring keeps me up at night, being unable to sleep when he has to go out of town for work, getting some lazy Sunday morning sex and some late night quickies knowing that it's also OK to not feel obligated to put out simply because he breathes in my direction, feeling like I could murder him, feeling like I would die if he died first, wanting him to be the best person he can be not just because him being happy makes me happy but because it means I don't have to prop him up, wanting a weekend away with him, wanting a weekend away from him... you know, like keeping it real real... lol

 

Anyone who expects champagne and roses for a lifetime instead of appreciating the comfortable loving feeling and deep mutual respect that usually develops once the butterflies have flitted off will be deeply disappointed in every long-term relationship. I think you can rekindle romance and strengthen and deepen your relationship when it goes off track, but if you can't accept and work through the expected and unexpected ups and downs of marriage without developing resentment you're kind of dead in the water.

 

Bravo.

 

Understanding this gets you through the down time.

[ShatteredLady]

So very true Lobe....

 

"I'm not sure I agree because by that logic I guess I'm not in a "real" marriage... this (to me) sounds more like the feelings that happen at the beginning of an affair than that of a long-term relationship. In fact, the fact this kind of feeling doesn't last forever is what makes people step out on their marriage."

 

...This is why the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is code for "I'm at least thinking very seriously about having an affair!".

[alsudduth]

Thanks guys!

 

I'm definitely learning what it means to love someone once those fluttery feelings fade and you get settled into life.

 

I'm not giving up, it was just an extra hard day emotionally for me the other day.

 

I'm searching for ways to communicate better and get my husband to open up a little more. We got this truth or dare passion game awhile ago. It was just sitting in my drawer, so I pulled out the truth cards and asked him to play with me in an attempt to open up lines of communication.

 

He did and it went great. I think we really enjoyed answering the questions and it was kept lighthearted. I'd love to find some cards like that related to life..this one was just sexual type questions about each other.

 

Do any of you have suggestions?

[Lobe]

Do any of you have suggestions?

 

My WH and I did these:

 

marriagebuilders.com/forms/enq.pdf

 

marriagebuilders.com/forms/MaritalProblemAnalysis.pdf

 

There are more here:

 

marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi4501_enq.html

 

And this study came up with 36 questions that are supposed to make you fall in love: The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings

You each read the tasks/questions then take turns sharing. At the end, you are supposed to look into one another's eyes for 4 minutes.

 

Set I

 

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

 

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

 

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

 

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

 

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

 

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

 

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

 

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

 

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

 

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

 

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

 

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

 

 

Set II

 

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

 

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

 

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

 

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

 

17. What is your most treasured memory?

 

18. What is your most terrible memory?

 

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

 

20. What does friendship mean to you?

 

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

 

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

 

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

 

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

 

Set III

 

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

 

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

 

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

 

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

 

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

 

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

 

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

 

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

 

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

 

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

 

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

 

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

[DKT3]

Thanks guys!

 

I'm definitely learning what it means to love someone once those fluttery feelings fade and you get settled into life.

 

I'm not giving up, it was just an extra hard day emotionally for me the other day.

 

I'm searching for ways to communicate better and get my husband to open up a little more. We got this truth or dare passion game awhile ago. It was just sitting in my drawer, so I pulled out the truth cards and asked him to play with me in an attempt to open up lines of communication.

 

He did and it went great. I think we really enjoyed answering the questions and it was kept lighthearted. I'd love to find some cards like that related to life..this one was just sexual type questions about each other.

 

Do any of you have suggestions?

 

Has he ever really been open with you?

[alsudduth]

Has he ever really been open with you?

 

Not really, there have been times that he has but probably only a handful in the 20 years we have been together. Mostly in the last year, and a little when he first told me he wanted to work on the marriage instead of getting a divorce like he had originally asked.

[DKT3]

Not really, there have been times that he has but probably only a handful in the 20 years we have been together. Mostly in the last year, and a little when he first told me he wanted to work on the marriage instead of getting a divorce like he had originally asked.

 

I have no advice on this, finding a way to undo the social conditioning to suppress our emotions would be worth millions

 

I'm one that just shuts down, drives my wife crazy. I'm trying to do better, but its my natural go to. I've been forcing myself to engage when I feel emotionally overwhelmed. Works sometimes.

[alsudduth]

So, I have a cousin who is getting married in my hometown next month. I initially had said I would come but when everything went down, I changed my response to not coming.

 

Today my cousin asked me why I couldn't come. I didn't want to go into detail with him, so I just said that my H has been working a lot of overtime on the weekends and probably couldn't get away but that I would check with him.

 

So I asked my H if he would want to go. Here is our conversation.....did I respond ok?

 

Me: would you be up to maybe go to "insert hometown" the first weekend of September for my cousins wedding?

 

Him: I don't know that I want to go. Every weekend I don't work costs us $500 on top of what we spend to get there.

 

Me: That's what I figured, so I declined the event, but she asked me again to come so I told her I'd check with you to be sure you wouldn't want to come.

 

Him: I can't keep you from going. You're not a hostage.

 

Me: I know

But I don't want to go without you

And I also wouldn't want to go and cause you to worry, I don't think I've built enough trust back in the relationship to feel comfortable going by myself

 

Him: Well that's up to you to decide.

 

Me: I know.

And I decided that I don't want to go without you.

 

Him: OK.

 

Me: I would rather be where you are, working on us

 

"Insert hilarious picture - https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Bj8DL68CUAAATBx.jpg "

 

Him: HAHAHAHA

[Lobe]

So I asked my H if he would want to go. Here is our conversation.....did I respond ok?

 

I think you did brilliantly. My WH is still cautious asking to go off with his friends, and I'm cautious of leaving him home alone. I think we both feel like hostages. I don't know if he was testing you or not but as a BS, I am pretty sure I'd have wanted the answer you gave instead of, "Well great - I'll see you when I get back, thanks for all your hard work, buddy!"

[Pollyannaslim]

I am so sorry you are having such a rough time right now. You and your H have had your share of struggles, so when you are feeling discouraged, remember what you’ve already been through; you are strong – and you will get through this too! You are doing so well in sticking to NC - IMO that speaks volumes from one who is determined and willing to take the necessary steps toward rebuilding! Stay strong!

Yes… you do have work to do … you’ll have some great days and some days as you are experiencing now. It is all part of the healing process. 2 steps forward – and occasionally 3 back… for both of you. But rest assured the highs will soon outweigh the lows! As many who have replied to your posts, our marriage has suffered because of infidelity, so I am familiar with the roller coaster of emotions –and the patience and perseverance it takes to tackle and (yes… even DEFEAT) the obstacles (setback, triggers, etc) that get in the way of complete restoration. For us, trust has been the greatest to overcome, but over time transparency and consistent follow thru have helped rebuild part of what was lost.

I love that you and your H are working on your marriage inspite of the trials you’re facing and am so happy that you’ve scheduled an appt with an IC. Not only will she be able to help you develop the skills to effectively communicate, but may also equip you with the tools you and your H need to establish some new boundaries, expectations, etc – as well as how to follow through with them. She will help you work through the grief.

Although I haven’t read through your entire thread, it appears as though you’ve been given some great suggestions. If you haven’t already, do surround yourself with a good support system – those who are compassionate, understanding and advocates of your marriage. You both have the desire to make this work – that alone is a HUGE step toward success. Please don’t give up, don’t get discouraged. Have faith in each other and have faith in God. He is good!

I will keep you in my prayers.

Edited August 4, 2016 by Pollyannaslim

[Mr Blunt]

Originally Posted by alsudduth

He still isn't wearing his ring

 

You did not confess your affair but got caught. Your D-day is only a little over one month. His healing is just in the beginning and not wearing his ring at this time is to be expected. Do not expect him to wear his ring for many months from now because that is too much to expect; healing from betrayal takes years.

 

 

 

Originally Posted by alsudduth

My H is talking about the future with me

he is still very loving towards me, he initiates affection, and wants to do things with me still

Me: I would rather be where you are, working on us

 

Those posts above are indications of very positive steps in the healing process. In fact they are stronger indicators of R that more than offsets the fact that he is not wearing his ring. I did not wear my ring for 4 years after my wife’s affair. We now have over 20 years of R.

 

You making your husband number one in your life will be very healing for your husband. Your husband needs to make you number one also as he committed betrayal when you were a good and faithful wife. I know that it is very detrimental for you to tell your husband that he needs to make sure he does a lot more work to help heal the damage his affair did. DO NOT tell your husband that he needs to make sure he does all he can to help heal the damage; that is for someone else at this time.

 

You seem very motivated to help heal both you and your husband. Is your husband very motivated to help heal he damage? I am not trying to play the blame game but the truth is that you BOTH have committed one of the most deadly relationship killers in marriage. You both can recover a lot from the dual betrayals but somethings will not be 100%. However, you both can have a successful R and have a good marriage if you get the right information and take ACTIONS to heal. You both seem to be doing pretty good at this time with just less than 2 months since D-day.

[Jersey born raised]

If he will not go to MC than tell him you need to go and do so. You can only share much here and advise offered while informative is limited.

 

While there are many considerations for a counselor one of rye most important is to warn you of what both of you will face individuality and what the marriage will endure going forward.

 

I've read that for men that attempt R the true "anger I am out of here" phase does not hit full force till 9-10 months out.

 

It is important not to be caught off guard and react in the moment.