The inevitable happened

[DKT3]

I have resentment for things like not making me feel like my opinion mattered or that he values anyone else's opinion over mine....for an example:

 

Several years ago he went to the dentist to try and have a tooth pulled and the dentist wouldn't do it saying it went against some kind of dental oath or something.....I told him that it was bull**** and that he needed a second opinion from a different dentist. He said that no that was what it had to be...

Cut to a few weeks later and I asked him about his tooth, and he said Oh I was talking to "a friend of his" and he said that I should just go to another dentist because that lady was crazy so I have an apt with this other dentist next week.....

 

I have resentment over him not including me on big decision like:

Buying a new car and getting a cell phone without telling me a few months after we moved in together. I only found out he got the car when I came home. And I only found out about the cell phone when he pulled it out later that day.

 

I have resentment over actions that I feel were disrespectful to me or left me feeling alone....such as:

When I was pregnant with our son and had a toddler he was going to school at a location that was quite far from our home but closer to his parents, so during the week he would work, go to school, and then go to stay at his parents so he wouldn't have to drive all the way home every night. He would come home on the weekends. One particular instance - I was at work in the morning, and his mom sent me a message asking if he had come home that night because he didn't go to their house. I said no and tried to call him...couldn't reach him on his cell, tried calling work and was told he didn't show up (Did later find out that he had actually called in) I tried to reach him several times until he finally picked up around 3 in the afternoon....he was at home sleeping after going out with some friends after school, crashed at one of their houses and then came home later to sleep...when I got angry with him for not letting me know what was going on, and causing me to worry his response was "I'm a big boy, you are not my mother, I can take care of myself"

 

That leads into the resentment of his schooling itself - I was very supportive of him wanting to do something new for himself - he went through the schooling and when he was done....did NOTHING with it. EVER. to this day he is still paying for those student loans. I feel he has been irresponsible with money in the past, he has a VW hobby (that I also tried to be supportive of, I want him to have hobbies...) but he took a 20k loan out of his 401k (he told me it was for a down payment on a house) that took us 5 years to pay back and then bough a VW to restore with it, that he is still trying to sell and break even on 6 years later. He has lost money on VW investments in the past and it all makes me feel very nervous. I think ultimately he will sell it, but I'm not sure he'll recoup everything he's put into it.

He said it's his money and he could do what he wants with it, yet feels like he wants to tell me what to do with my money and tells me I overspend, and don't know how to budget, yet scoffs when I try to formulate a budget for us to stick to and then it's again with the I can't control his money.

 

The last thing I'll mention was him putting anyone and everyone aside from me on a pedastool - Like Oh this person needs me to do this for them? I'll be right there. You need me pick you up after work? find your own ride. There are specific examples of that as well, but I think this should be a good starting point to give you all an idea of some of the other non affair related things I'm trying to forgive, let go and work through.

 

Those are some examples...I've got an apt but later will follow up with what I see that he has done to try and be better about those kinds of things.

 

I think my wife could have wrote much of this about our first marriage...i got a $ 470k house without her having any say

 

I won't say that her opinion didn't matter because is did, but i can see how she would believe that. I just thought I knew better, and like the saying goes, it's easier to ask forgiveness then permission.

 

It mostly came from an inability to communicate properly.

 

She had alot of resentment, what I found odd once when begun to really communicate was that she thought I was resentment free outside of her affair. She was genuinely shocked that I had so much.

 

Finding a level that you can meet to really communicate is the key. But having a man willing to truly tap into the unease of it all is difficult.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

But having a man willing to truly tap into the unease of it all is difficult.

 

I can relate, so can most men I think. Where do you think the phrase "happy wife, happy life" comes from? Maybe you can read that phrase in different ways, but ive ONLY heard it used when a husband is doing whatever it is he needs to do to avoid conflict. Pretty common stuff right there. The ability to have those uncomfortable talks is hard for us men to learn. I think most would rather avoid it all together. And they say women are more sensitive... pfffft. BS i say! I think men are just as sensitive only about different things then women... generally speaking of course. Heck ive seen both sides ridiculed on this site time after time for the general sensitivities of each gender.

[alsudduth]

So probably the biggest resentment I have has to do yet doesn't have to do with his affair....

 

About a year before he asked me for a divorce, he stopped wearing his wedding ring. he started getting snappy, or distant with me. I continuously reached out to him, asked him if anything was wrong, asked him if he was angry with me, asked him if he loved me, asked him if we were ok, asked him why he wasn't wearing his ring. He gave excuses like he forgot, he misplaced it, it hurt his finger at the gym....

 

Add to that for years not just in the time he took his ring off, I had done everything short of begging for attention from him. I was already feeling quite neglected by him. One day about 6 months maybe before he told me he wanted a divorce, he was acting very cold to me, so I asked him if we were ok. He blew up at me and told me he was tired of dealing with my insecurities. I truly thought I was the problem. I started seeing a counselor to figure out what I was doing so wrong and how to be happy so that my husband could be happy. I just tried to cope with the fact that maybe my H would never be the "give lots of affection and attention" kind of guy......

 

So when he started talking to the OW, and giving her all his attention, and CALLING HER ON THE PHONE just to see how SHE was doing...right in front of me (Because they were "just friends" after all....) I was crushed. Crushed because it turns out he is capable of giving attention...it just wasn't towards me. His affair and betrayal wasn't necessarily physical or even full blown EA in his eyes I'm sure (I say that because I don't think to this day he is truly sorry or remorseful for his actions), but he gave himself to her in a way that he never did to me. To me that was the worst thing he could have done.

 

 

All that said, there are positives that I see from him. He has maintained NC with her as far as I know since about 3 months or so after we started counseling in 2014.

 

With regards to the other resentments, he has made an effort that I see to ask me my opinion on things and gets input from me before making a big decision. He started reaching out to me through the day just to say hello (Before he would get annoyed if I would just call him once in the day to say hello)

If he's at the store he will check in to see if I need anything.

 

More recently (In the last 6 months or so) he asks if I need help with housework or dinner

He makes sure to say good night to the kids the majority of the time and spends a few minutes with them instead of just a generic good night. He reads them stories, and listens to how their day was, etc. (I've always thought he was a good father, I just wanted a little more effort from him there)

He has done things specifically to make me happy. If I'm out for an evening with friends, or have a late apt. etc, he has taken on without complaint fixing dinner for the kids, he makes sure the dog is fed and that the cat has food in his dish. He does laundry (I'm still working on the whole put it away thing...)

 

But overall, I do see that he is trying to "get it" which is a big reason that I think we have something to work with here, and why I think I can let go of the resentment with time.

[alsudduth]

As far as the original thread, because I don't want the purpose of the thread which was my affair to get lost, I am still working towards doing what I need to do with rebuilding trust.

 

Yesterday I took some of my counselors advice. I think I mentioned it a few posts back about asking my H about wearing his ring.

 

He asked me yesterday to work on his neck muscles a little (I'm a bonafide massage therapist ) and I used the opportunity to initiate a conversation.

 

It probably took me a good 5 minutes to work up the courage to even ask him....and I swallowed a lot of tears before I did. But I did. Here is the convo:

 

Me: So while I do understand why you took your ring off, so that I can understand it from your perspective - can I ask what was going through your mind when you came home and took your ring off?

 

Him: Pause.....I can't really remember actually.

 

Me: Have you thought at all about what it might take for you to want to put it back on?

 

Him: Time I guess.

 

Me: I understand that. In the meantime, is there anything else I can be doing to help you feel like I am where I want to be, with you? Or is there anything I'm doing that you don't want me to do that would be helpful?

 

Him: I think you know what you need to do.

 

Me: Yes. besides the obvious though?

 

Him: No not that I can think of.

 

 

The conversation went about how I thought it would....On one hand I'm glad I tried to communicate with him, and I'm glad he at least answered me. But I feel like there is no way if this was such an important ordeal for him to take his ring off (And it IS a big deal in my mind) that he would remember what was going through his mind when he took his ring off, and I feel like that was a generic answer so he didn't have to get "real" with me. I'll try again in a few days - I don't want to overwhelm him right now.

[Lobe]

Him: Pause.....I can't really remember actually.

 

I think this is probably true - he was mad, he took the ring off, it meant nothing to him at the time...

 

Him: I think you know what you need to do.

 

Me: Yes. besides the obvious though?

 

Him: No not that I can think of.

 

My WH has asked if there is anything more that he could be doing and my response is the same as this. I'm at a disadvantage, as I've never been the WS, but since you're played both parts perhaps you could step into your shoes as the betrayed and answer this question for yourself, if he had asked you. Might give you some insight?

 

You've now given me lots of food for thought. I wonder if I need to dig deeper and give my husband a more concrete answer. I know when I ask my husband and he replies like this I want to poke him in the eye with a splinter. It's weird seeing it in a conversation I've played the other part in lol

 

I remember reading a thing on asking better questions but of course I can't find it. The big one I remember is not to ask "yes/no" questions. I also know it said use how/what and not why questions, and always ask follow-up questions. SO perhaps your convo would have gone like this:

 

Me: So while I do understand why you took your ring off, so that I can understand it from your perspective - can I ask what was going through your mind when you came home and took your ring off?

 

Him: Pause.....I can't really remember actually.

 

What were you feeling at the time? How do you feel about it now?

Me: Have you thought at all about what it might take for you to want to put it back on?

 

Him: Time I guess.

 

I miss seeing your ring on your finger.

 

Me: I understand that. In the meantime, is there anything what else I can be doing to help you feel like I am where I want to be, with you? Or is there anything I'm What am I doing that you don't want me to do that would be helpful?

 

Him: I think you know what you need to do.

 

Me: Yes. besides the obvious though?

 

Him: No not that I can think of.

 

I feel like I'm trying to be a mind-reader here and I am afraid I'm reading too much or not enough into things. I really want to start rebuilding what we had and I want us to do it together. How can I help you feel secure and loved?

 

One of the mistakes my husband makes as a WH is that he doesn't ask for what he wants or needs because he doesn't feel like he is allowed to since he was a bad boy. But if he will not identify his unmet needs, I cannot help him meet them.

 

God, affairs are stupid.

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you Lobe. I realize that the way I communicate with my H doesn't help me get what I need. I have a way of giving him an easy answer as part of the question...

 

 

Me - "Do you not wear your ring anymore because I hurt you so bad? Did you take it off in a fit of anger, feeling it was a symbol of our marriage that I betrayed?

 

Him - "Yeh!"

 

Me - "Is it going to take time for you to build trust in me before you wear it again?

 

Him - "Yeh!"

 

Me - "Thank you. Know I know."

 

 

Of course our conversations are me bs & him infidelity. There are so many questions that I desperately need the answers to. We have a 'conversation' (as above) & I often feel better....until I think about it & realize that NOTHING has really been said!

 

Communication after affairs is so hard! For me anyway.....

[Lobe]

Thank you Lobe.

 

Your bill is in the mail. Cash or credit only. :laugh:

[alsudduth]

My counselor told me it was normal to mourn the loss of the AP, She said it's normal to feel all over the place because I'm mourning the loss of the A (Even though it being over is what I want!) and the potential loss of my M if we can't work it out.

 

9 days out of 10 I feel like I'm doing well. I am able to push the OM from my mind and reserve all my focus on healing the M and focusing on my family and myself.

 

On that 10th day I feel really ****ty. Today is a ****ty day. It's early, so I'm sure it will pass, and anytime I find a way to move forward I will. I feel ****ty because I miss him and ****ty FOR missing him. It's a lose lose for me today

 

I think thinking of the OM today was triggered by seeing a post from him to a mutual friend on social media. We are not friends on social media, but because our hometown is small, we have a lot of mutual friends. I remembered that if you block someone you no longer see their posts or comments on even your mutual friends pages. so I blocked him today. We never really engaged at all on social media except in the very beginning, so I didn't even think about blocking him until I saw that one comment on a mutual friends post and thought "OH YEAH! I CAN BLOCK HIM AND NOT HAVE TO SEE HIS POSTS WITH MUTUAL FRIENDS!"

 

Unfortunately, the damage was already done for today so I'll take a few minutes to be sad, and post here, as Loveshack has been like a rock for me to lean on and support me. I really appreciate having a place that I can go and vent the good and the bad and get honest feedback from you all.

 

I really wish sometimes that there really was a switch that you could easily flip to turn feelings off for someone.

[road]

My counselor told me it was normal to mourn the loss of the AP, She said it's normal to feel all over the place because I'm mourning the loss of the A (Even though it being over is what I want!) and the potential loss of my M if we can't work it out.

 

9 days out of 10 I feel like I'm doing well. I am able to push the OM from my mind and reserve all my focus on healing the M and focusing on my family and myself.

 

On that 10th day I feel really ****ty. Today is a ****ty day. It's early, so I'm sure it will pass, and anytime I find a way to move forward I will. I feel ****ty because I miss him and ****ty FOR missing him. It's a lose lose for me today

 

I think thinking of the OM today was triggered by seeing a post from him to a mutual friend on social media. We are not friends on social media, but because our hometown is small, we have a lot of mutual friends. I remembered that if you block someone you no longer see their posts or comments on even your mutual friends pages. so I blocked him today. We never really engaged at all on social media except in the very beginning, so I didn't even think about blocking him until I saw that one comment on a mutual friends post and thought "OH YEAH! I CAN BLOCK HIM AND NOT HAVE TO SEE HIS POSTS WITH MUTUAL FRIENDS!"

 

Unfortunately, the damage was already done for today so I'll take a few minutes to be sad, and post here, as Loveshack has been like a rock for me to lean on and support me. I really appreciate having a place that I can go and vent the good and the bad and get honest feedback from you all.

 

I really wish sometimes that there really was a switch that you could easily flip to turn feelings off for someone.

 

This is the reason not only NC is preached but that 100% NC can not happen unless the AP is blocked from all means of contact.

 

 

Yet sadly some WS's never block the AP right away.

[DKT3]

This is the reason not only NC is preached but that 100% NC can not happen unless the AP is blocked from all means of contact.

 

 

Yet sadly some WS's never block the AP right away.

 

Because they want the ap to reach out, even if they have no plans to respond or engage. The validation from this person is still very important.

 

Alsudduth you can't control your feelings, but you have total control on how you handle them. Your response is good in my book. Blocking, acknowledgement, sad then move on with your day. Dwelling or beating yourself up just gives it more power, more mind space. Feel your feeling then move on.

 

Maybe next time you get this you simply tell yourself, I'm human, and move on. Maybe you won't Even spend the time enough to write this post about it.

[Jersey born raised]

Does your sense of loss mean the person or the way you felt when in contact. Men especially will say love when they mean how they feel when with the person.

[merrmeade]

Thank you Lobe. I realize that the way I communicate with my H doesn't help me get what I need. I have a way of giving him an easy answer as part of the question...

 

 

Me - "Do you not wear your ring anymore because I hurt you so bad? Did you take it off in a fit of anger, feeling it was a symbol of our marriage that I betrayed?

 

Him - "Yeh!"

 

Me - "Is it going to take time for you to build trust in me before you wear it again?

 

Him - "Yeh!"

 

Me - "Thank you. Know I know."

 

 

Of course our conversations are me bs & him infidelity. There are so many questions that I desperately need the answers to. We have a 'conversation' (as above) & I often feel better....until I think about it & realize that NOTHING has really been said!

 

Communication after affairs is so hard! For me anyway.....

There's a special place in heaven for this kind of honesty.

[ShatteredLady]

Good! I'm not feeling particularly blessed in this life.

[alsudduth]

I had the most awful dream last night. Talk about insecurities and sub conscious coming to the surface.....

 

In my dream, I found out my H was cheating and was planning to leave me for the OW (who was absolutely beautiful). I got very angry and lashed out at the OW and my H and we started going through a very nasty divorce (This is not something I would ever see myself doing in real life).

 

At some point in the dream my H and myself were somewhere and the OW showed up....skip to some kind of big accident (I think it was like some kind of explosion near where we were) and the OW died. My H and I ended up staying together for the kids, but we were very miserable.

 

I woke up very sad.

[understand50]

I had the most awful dream last night. Talk about insecurities and sub conscious coming to the surface.....

 

In my dream, I found out my H was cheating and was planning to leave me for the OW (who was absolutely beautiful). I got very angry and lashed out at the OW and my H and we started going through a very nasty divorce (This is not something I would ever see myself doing in real life).

 

At some point in the dream my H and myself were somewhere and the OW showed up....skip to some kind of big accident (I think it was like some kind of explosion near where we were) and the OW died. My H and I ended up staying together for the kids, but we were very miserable.

 

I woke up very sad.

 

alsudduth,

 

Dreams can be helpful, but most of the time they need to stay in the night and forgotten.

 

I wish you luck...

[alsudduth]

So I had another apt with my counselor yesterday, I was really all over the place with our conversation but the end result was that I may have to gently guide conversations with my H and that at some point she feels we have to get back into MC.

 

So last night after we got the kids in bed, I asked my H where he sees our relationship progressing in the next 3 months or so. His expected response was "I don't know" so here is the gist of how the rest of our conversation went....

 

Me: Where would you like to see us in the next 3 months?

 

Him: I don't know.

 

Me: Think about it for a minute

 

Him: (about 4 minutes later) I'm not sure what to think. I'm still really upset about everything that happened.

 

Me: That's understandable, my choice to have an affair has put us in a downward spiral once again in our relationship, and I'm doing everything I can to make that right.

 

Him: I know you are

 

Me: But my biggest fear is that if you continue to be so closed off to me, that the next girl that comes along that "understands you" or "knows what you must be going through" is going to easily get her hooks into you because we haven't been having the tough conversation we need to have.

 

My goal for myself is that in a few months if someone asks how we are doing I can legitimately say we are doing ok, not great as I know that will take time, but I want to honestly say that we are doing ok and that eventually we will be great and mean it.

 

All the work I'm doing to try and make things right, will mean nothing if you are not open to committing to work with me.

 

In the last 2 months since this has all come out, have you had more happy days with me or more days that you want out?

 

Him: I'm not sure. I don't think I really think about it that way.

 

Me: Have you thought at all about why you are still here with me?

 

Him: Not really......Well maybe a little.

 

Long pause in conversation....

 

Me: Do you want to talk about what a divorce would look like for us?

 

Him: Why?

 

Me: Maybe the thought of getting a divorce is too overwhelming, and knowing how things would go in the event it happens would make your decision a little easier.

 

Him: It's just signing some papers and sh**.

 

Me: I think it's a little more involved than just signing some papers and sh**

 

Long pause....

 

Him: I think I'm just too lazy to get a divorce....But then again being married seems too hard too.

 

Me: Well, I would rather do all the legwork for you in filing for divorce than have you stay because you are too lazy to go through the process.

 

Him: I knew you were going to say that.....

 

After that I was just pretty defeated, there was not much more to say at that point. I thought to myself for a long while about how if this is the end for us, that I can accept it gracefully, spent some time thinking about some of our better moments....by then my head was hurting from holding in tears, so I got up and got some Ibprofren, when I came back in I asked if he was ready to turn the lights out for bed and he said yes....So we turned out the lights, I gave him a kiss and said good night. He said good night and then said he loved me....I said I loved him too.

 

 

This morning he was extra affectionate in the way he complimented me and telling me he loved me....That has left me more confused than anything....What is going through his head?

[kgcolonel]

I think that conversation was awesome btw....trust me, he is thinking more and more about this than what he is able to talk to now.

 

You are painting a picture for him that he can't ignore and that is the why you felt more affection from him....he was thinking about this thus the actions.

 

I have said several times on this forum, you are defined by your actions, not your words.....you saw some of his actions change....great progress.

 

Just remember, your A didn't start and stop in a matter of a few days, take time and patience as this is his pace. Let him digest what you said.

 

You did well!!

[DKT3]

I've never been a woman, but I think the internal battle that a BH fights is different.

 

If Im being honest, I'm going to say your husband is looking for a reason to stay, right now he is using "too lazy".

 

I think it's a mistake on your part to bring up divorce in any manner, if he leads the conversation there it's one thing. You suggesting it could come across as it being something you're interested in, and from following your post you clearly are not.

 

Back to the not a woman thing. One of the most difficult things about marriage is the difference in how men and women process pain and suffering. Women tend to want to talk through things, while the majority of men internalize, thinking their way through. This creates a great deal of insecurity in women.

 

It's key that you watch for signs. If he continues to show emotions, mostly anger, then he is still in. If you're still riding the roller coaster it means he is still processing through it. Still looking for his reason to stay. Once you notice an even calmness, then you're in trouble. This likely means he has come to terms with what it's like to be apart.

 

You seem impatient to me. I know you say it will take time, but I get the feeling your looking for some validation that you're doing the right things. Relax, be patient. Understand that all you can do is be a better you, you can't make him be better.

 

Stay focused on the fact that he is there, don't be giving him any ideas of divorce, as I said the danger is it coming across as something you want and you are choosing OM. Danger, even if your true intentions are to make it easier for him.

Edited August 23, 2016 by DKT3

[kgcolonel]

I've never been a woman, but I think the internal battle that a BH fights is different.

 

If Im being honest, I'm going to say your husband is looking for a reason to stay, right now he is using "too lazy".

 

I think it's a mistake on your part to bring up divorce in any manner, if he leads the conversation there it's one thing. You suggesting it could come across as it being something you're interested in, and from following your post you clearly are not.

 

Back to the not a woman thing. One of the most difficult things about marriage is the difference in how men and women process pain and suffering. Women tend to want to talk through things, while the majority of men internalize, thinking their way through. This creates a great deal of insecurity in women.

 

It's key that you watch for signs. If he continues to show emotions, mostly anger, then he is still in. If you're still riding the roller coaster it means he is still processing through it. Still looking for his reason to stay. Once you notice an even calmness, then you're in trouble. This likely means he has come to terms with what it's like to be apart.

 

You seem impatient to me. I know you say it will take time, but I get the feeling your looking for some validation that you're doing the right things. Relax, be patient. Understand that all you can do is be a better you, you can't make him be better.

 

Stay focused on the fact that he is there, don't be giving him any ideas of divorce, as I said the danger is it coming across as something you want and you are choosing OM. Danger, even if your true intentions are to make it easier for him.

 

 

Exactly!!!!

[Lobe]

I think it's a mistake on your part to bring up divorce in any manner, if he leads the conversation there it's one thing. You suggesting it could come across as it being something you're interested in, and from following your post you clearly are not.

 

I don't know if I agree with this. Maybe "divorce" wasn't the best term to use - "legal separation" might have been a little less harsh - but let's not forget a couple of very important things here, like the fact her husband had an affair, too, and alsudduth said that they both were/are aware of marital problems leading to both his and her affair.

 

As much as the idea of reconciling is appealing, there are times when the A is really just an indicator of the fact a marriage has run its course. There are people here who have ended up with relatively amicable divorces as a result of realizing that being married was not what either party wanted anymore. If her husband is just "done" and he's honestly just too "lazy" to file for divorce, it's not fair to alsudduth to be strung along indefinitely in a false R.

 

If you offered divorce as a threat or manipulation tactic it's one thing. If you offered it completely without malice and simply as a means of determining if it's actually something either party is interested in, then it can be a helpful tool in preparing for the dissolution of an unhappy marriage.

 

Alsudduth, I for one don't want to be married to someone who is only staying with me because they are too lazy to get a divorce, though my guess is your husband isn't too lazy, he just hasn't figured things out for himself yet. Most of the books I've read suggest 12 weeks as a good time to say, OK, what's the plan? I think it's good you're tabling the idea of whether or not the marriage is over, and this might be a really good time to suggest MC again.

[BluesPower]

alsudduth, I am on the fence in a way. While DKT3 and kgcolonel make some good points. I am not sure.

 

I feel like that convo that you had with his was super, great, and wonderful. I know that it made him think. I think he is trying to decide if staying with you is the way to go or divorce. He needs to think about both.

 

He is scared of the divorce and he is concerned how hard it will be and how much money he will loose in the long run. How it will affect his family. And yes, men think that way, it is called marginal return.

 

He is wondering if it would just be better to be single and sleep around with other women.

 

And he is wondering if the two of you can have the love that you once had for one another.

 

It is hard for some men, maybe most, to talk about some of the stuff that he is thinking about. And in some ways, they really don't want to talk about his emotions.

 

I am not as bad as some men because I can usually tell you exactly how I am feeling, what you did to cause it and what you to do to fix it. It drives my wife crazy.

 

I think you just need to be patient and stay the course. It is important for you to stay consistent long term with the reissuance that he needs. Men really need that and they have a hard time asking for it.

 

My guess is that you speaking to him that night nudged him toward R for the long term, but that is just a guess. And that he wants to get laid, BTW.

 

Don't get your hopes up and take your time. You just have to see how it goes.

 

BTW, how long did it take for you to get over his "EA"?

[alsudduth]

 

 

You seem impatient to me. I know you say it will take time, but I get the feeling your looking for some validation that you're doing the right things. Relax, be patient. Understand that all you can do is be a better you, you can't make him be better.

 

 

This is likely true. I've actually talked about this with my counselor. Not about me being impatient, though I know I am. I hate being in limbo, but I do need some sort of validation that I'm doing the right things. I feel like I'm just grabbing at straws, and while I feel that I'm doing the right things, it would make it easier to relax and be patient if I knew that my idea of doing the right things, is actually the right things to him....

 

I will definitely continue to strive to be a better me, part of that is being in tune with what he needs from me and not what I think he needs from me.

[alsudduth]

 

He is scared of the divorce and he is concerned how hard it will be and how much money he will loose in the long run. How it will affect his family. And yes, men think that way, it is called marginal return.

 

No doubt it is a scary thought. It's a scary thought for me too. We will have been together 20 years in September, starting from when we were just kids really - untangling that life would be overwhelming for anyone I think.

 

 

My guess is that you speaking to him that night nudged him toward R for the long term, but that is just a guess. And that he wants to get laid, BTW.

 

I hope so, we got in a fight once last year, which we rarely do, and when we talked it out he said something to the effect of "I actually kinda like that we fought, that once we talked it out it felt more resolved and like it brought us closer" I hope that urging him to talk last night had the same affect for him. Our sex life is still fairly healthy, considering the circumstances. So we got that going for us!

 

 

BTW, how long did it take for you to get over his "EA"?

 

If I'm totally honest, I don't know that I am yet. but it has taken a back seat for now, and will be brought up when the time is right. There is a lot of back story to his affair, and how it ultimately led me to my affair.....but essentially when we first started MC, he made almost zero effort to make me feel like he was doing everything he could to make things right in that regard. I actually talked to my counselor a little about that yesterday, in that I don't feel like even now he would say that he fully understands the damage the affair did and the lack of effort to make it right did to me.

[alsudduth]

Alsudduth, I for one don't want to be married to someone who is only staying with me because they are too lazy to get a divorce, though my guess is your husband isn't too lazy, he just hasn't figured things out for himself yet. Most of the books I've read suggest 12 weeks as a good time to say, OK, what's the plan? I think it's good you're tabling the idea of whether or not the marriage is over, and this might be a really good time to suggest MC again.

 

That's exactly it, one part of the conversation I forgot to post here was that I told him that I felt like for me anyway, there was something keeping us together still. That neither one of us agrees that staying together just for the kids is something we would do. I believe that however small it is, there is still SOMETHING there between us, and we both have to commit to growing that.

 

But regardless of my failings in the marriage, I refuse to stay married for the wrong reasons, which would be any reason that does not include love existing between him and I.

[BluesPower]

It literally took me 15 year to figure out what I needed from my wife for all the things that she had done. Sound impossible but true.

 

I think that reassurance of your "RESPECT" for him is the most important.

 

Women want love and men want respect. Men want love too, but respect is first.

 

And, how long did it take for you to get over his affair?