Lobe Posted August 24, 2016 Share Posted August 24, 2016 the fact that it took him so long to even start to try and repair the damage from his A is still hurtful to me. I totally get that - kind of like how I will always be angry that I busted my WH and that he didn't end his A and confess. He had a chance (months on end of chances) to make it right, so why didn't he? I think it must be incredibly difficult to recover from both your own affair as well as your husband's at the same time. It adds a layer of complexity I'm grateful not to have in my situation. I don't have any words of wisdom for you today, just know that I'll keep sending you and your hubby positive vibes for an amicable resolution. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 24, 2016 Share Posted August 24, 2016 I feel like resentment is the wrong word to use now for that particular situation, I do think my own guilt has softened that a bit., with regards to his A, I think what I feel most is a longing for him to truly understand the damage it did. I feel like I can see without him even telling me how much I have hurt him with my own actions, and the fact that it took him so long to even start to try and repair the damage from his A is still hurtful to me. Yep I can relate to this. I had a RA (still an A) after my Wh's first infidelity. I didn't tell him until his second A. But the difference in how I handled my A D-day and his are starkly different. I laid ALL my cards on the table... my WH did not and still to this day proves to be ill-equipped at post A recovery and remorse, which has led me believe he is most likely personality disordered (his IC said he has strong NPD tendencies). Link to post Share on other sites
Author alsudduth Posted August 24, 2016 Author Share Posted August 24, 2016 So I always post about all the bad stuff, but last night was a good night. I want to share a few things last night within my family that made us all go to sleep smiling. 1. My daughter was trying to explain to me how she wants to get her done and how she wants the color, so we were scouring through pictures to try and find what she wanted. She came across a picture of a gorgeous mane in a back view and when she clicked on it, it was actually a gif, and in the gif the person tossed their hair as they turned and it turned out to be fabio type guy. It was so unexpected that my daughter and I looked at each other and then broke down in uncontrollable giggles for about 5 mins. 2. while my H was at the gym, I played a game of Yahtzee with the kids. I totally schooled them at it, but more importantly, we had a really great time and were full of laughs when my H got home, and I could tell it made him happy to see us playing together and having a good time. 3. I was in the kitchen and as I'm making a tiramisu for a work function I had a few packages of lady fingers in the cupboard. My son came in and cautiously asked "Mom, what are lady fingers?" I explained what they were and asked him if it freaked him for a brief second. he was like "YES!!! For like a split second I was a little worried!" LOLOLOL So I thought it was so funny I went and told my husband while he was in the shower, and my husband took it from there suggesting that I should have gone with it and told him that I keep them around for my regular fingers get worn out, and since I've been doing so much massage on the side that I needed to stock up on new fingers. he went on and on with all the ideas that we could have gotten my son with and we were DYING with laughter, if there wasn't a toilet so near by since I was in the bathroom, I might have peed myself. It was all a reminder that I have a good life. One that I lost sight of when focusing on the negatives. Last night will go into a memory bank of "It's not all bad" 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author alsudduth Posted August 27, 2016 Author Share Posted August 27, 2016 So I think I've been looking at things wrong, in a way. I've been waiting for my H to tell me I'm doing good in everything I've been doing to make things better. What I should be doing is looking for signs that he wants to be here. It hit me yesterday. He texted me just to say he was thinking about me. We chatted a few minutes and then he said "I was thinking I'd like to take you to dinner at your favorite restaurant to thank you for everything you do around the house and for the kids" Soooo we have a date tonight. I'm excited 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 So I think I've been looking at things wrong, in a way. I've been waiting for my H to tell me I'm doing good in everything I've been doing to make things better. What I should be doing is looking for signs that he wants to be here. It hit me yesterday. He texted me just to say he was thinking about me. We chatted a few minutes and then he said "I was thinking I'd like to take you to dinner at your favorite restaurant to thank you for everything you do around the house and for the kids" Soooo we have a date tonight. I'm excited Your husband sounds like a very "under stated" man. This move may be the equivalent to someone else smashing symbols....take if for what it is from your husband....I personally see this as a great sign. How did you see it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author alsudduth Posted August 27, 2016 Author Share Posted August 27, 2016 Your husband sounds like a very "under stated" man. This move may be the equivalent to someone else smashing symbols....take if for what it is from your husband....I personally see this as a great sign. How did you see it? I saw it as an olive branch...I saw it as a sign of hope that we both may be ready to if nothing else give our relationship one last shot at success by being committed to meeting each others needs. I saw it as a sign that talking helps, no matter how inconsequential the conversation may seem, I see that it is helping. And I see it as validation that I am doing the right things to cause him to want to stay in the marriage right now. I'm quite proud of him for continuing to show me love and affection after he's been so hurt by me, that is not something I believe he would have done a year ago. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 One year ago you were having an affair, and behind all the window dressing and crap affairs need a few elements, one being thinking less of your spouse. When we first tried MC I wasn't ready, and it was mainly to untangle our long history. With that mindset I didn't get much from it except one thing. During this session the therapist looked at my wife and said "communication in marriage is not very complicated, but it requires attention, watch how he communicates with you and do it back" at first I was thinking we are paying this clown $300 an hour for this bull-cit. Over time for some reason it stuck with me. It dawned on me several years after we divorced that I had gone about it all wrong. People show you with their actions what they like. For instance, my wife since we started in high school would leave me notes everywhere, in my locker, my car, my mailbox really, everywhere. In 18 years prior to the divorce I never once left her one. What a dumbazz. Point being you can't expect everyone to communicate the way you would like them to, I tried to walk you into this thought the other day when you were talking about needing validation, and I hinted that you were getting it from him. He has been showing you improvement, but not really communicating it to you the way you would like. It's really great that you've finally started to see the validation, even if it's not the form you would like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 Aloud duty, your husband I believe is a man that you'll have to listen to and watch very closely to get the desired responses and answers you want and need so bad. He will be very subtle and understated during the R.....just be patient and loving and you'll get the answers and direction you so want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author alsudduth Posted August 29, 2016 Author Share Posted August 29, 2016 The weekend went well The kids went to my in-laws on Saturday night, so my H and I went to dinner. He took me to my favorite restaurant. Neither of us had our phones out, and we had pleasant conversation about a lot of things, I specifically tried to keep the kids out of the conversation because it is the one thing we always will have something in common. My goal was to find other ways to talk to each other. We talked about football, how fresh the green chile tasted! (Hey Lobe, gotta love that Hatch Green Chile amirite?!) and ideas on having an RV life at some point....anyway the conversation didn't feel out of place or forced. It was a really nice time. After dinner we went home (My H has been working weekends for Overtime) and just hung out for a bit before bed. When he came home from work yesterday, I gave him a long massage to help him relax from working so much and to thank him for dinner the night before, and it ended with us being intimate. Overall a really great weekend. I'm happy with how it went 5 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 Good for you!!! You're getting to his "Love Language" stay the course, listen to him carefully and always provide him a place to have a "safe" conversation. I believe he will come around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 (Hey Lobe, gotta love that Hatch Green Chile amirite?!) and ideas on having an RV life at some point....anyway the conversation didn't feel out of place or forced. It was a really nice time. I'm glad you went and had a lovely time but thanks for forgetting to send the invitation... that was rude lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author alsudduth Posted August 29, 2016 Author Share Posted August 29, 2016 I'm glad you went and had a lovely time but thanks for forgetting to send the invitation... that was rude lol Next Time!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 Next Time!!! That one time you forget gloves to peel those delicious roasted b*tches... Though I have to admit I'm a bad New Mexican - I prefer green curry to green chile stew and and samosas over sopapillas lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author alsudduth Posted August 29, 2016 Author Share Posted August 29, 2016 That one time you forget gloves to peel those delicious roasted b*tches... Though I have to admit I'm a bad New Mexican - I prefer green curry to green chile stew and and samosas over sopapillas lol Just when I thought we could be best friends!!! lol Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 Just when I thought we could be best friends!!! lol lo siento... Link to post Share on other sites
Author alsudduth Posted September 2, 2016 Author Share Posted September 2, 2016 LoveShackers! Help me be strong please! I just received a text from OM. I'm afraid to read it. My husband just went to the gym. I've thought over and over what to do when the day comes that he contacts me. I know the correct answer is to tell my husband and I intend to. But my heart is beating so fast and I'm so afraid of what his reaction will be. Things have been going so well and I am afraid to take a step back. I need your supportive words!!! PLEASE! Link to post Share on other sites
Author alsudduth Posted September 2, 2016 Author Share Posted September 2, 2016 ok I read it. it said "Hi. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everything I put you and your family through, and I just wanted to say hi and I miss you" I intend to tell my husband when he gets home. I'm about to burst into tears. the only thing keeping me from doing so is that my daughter is sitting in here with me doing her homework. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 The supportive words are that you know EXACTLY what you need to do. DO NOT READ THE CONTACT FROM OM until your husband is sitting next to you. He needs to know you did not set him up for whatever it says DO NOT DELETE THIS MESSAGE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES OR ANSWER IT IN ANY WAY If you do anything else you are headed for another D Day when your husband finds out, and he will YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO. JUST DO IT 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author alsudduth Posted September 2, 2016 Author Share Posted September 2, 2016 DO NOT READ THE CONTACT FROM OM until your husband is sitting next to you. He needs to know you did not set him up for whatever it says shoot I already read it! I'll not delete it or anything, and show it to my husband as soon as he gets home. should I text him at the gym? Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 Did you tell him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author alsudduth Posted September 2, 2016 Author Share Posted September 2, 2016 Did you tell him? hes at the gym Link to post Share on other sites
Author alsudduth Posted September 2, 2016 Author Share Posted September 2, 2016 I told him. I said " I just wanted to tell you that almost as soon as you left for the gym, I got a message from "OM". I didn't respond to it, and you can read it if you want to, I just wanted you to know so that you didn't feel like I was trying to hide anything from you" He said, "I don't really care what it says" so I said ok, you don't have to read it, I just wanted you to know it happened and he said "ok, we can talk about it in a minute...I wanna take a shower" Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 Do not delete the e mail in case your husband changes his mind. What did it say and please do not say you responded???? Your husband may be "testing" you and if you make a mistake here you could totally blow your life up. We all know the OM wants in your pants again. What is your plan to stop that from happening.??? Personally, I think your husband is making a big mistake not even wanting to see it unless he just does not give a **** because he knows you will respond to OM and wants to play ostrich. So please tell us you have NOT answered this and then tell us why OM is not blocked on every form of social media that you own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alsudduth Posted September 2, 2016 Author Share Posted September 2, 2016 Do not delete the e mail in case your husband changes his mind. What did it say and please do not say you responded???? Your husband may be "testing" you and if you make a mistake here you could totally blow your life up. We all know the OM wants in your pants again. What is your plan to stop that from happening.??? Personally, I think your husband is making a big mistake not even wanting to see it unless he just does not give a **** because he knows you will respond to OM and wants to play ostrich. So please tell us you have NOT answered this and then tell us why OM is not blocked on every form of social media that you own. I of course did not respond. I told my H that I wouldn't delete in case he wants to see it. The message said "hey, I'm sorry for everything I put your family through, I just wanted to say hi and I miss you " H asked if I was going to ignore it. I said that was what I was thinking. That I made the mistake before thinking we could talk casually (all pre DDAY of course) and that I didn't want to put myself or him (my H) in a vulnerable situation. I asked what he thought he would think or do if his OW contacted him. He just said he'd be surprised. He seems glad I was honest with him. As far as blocking, I thought I had. I guess it's only for calling. How do you block a number on droid from texting? Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 Get it blocked through your service provider. You can usually do it on the website with your login. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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