The inevitable happened

[merrmeade]

I told him.

 

I said " I just wanted to tell you that almost as soon as you left for the gym, I got a message from "OM". I didn't respond to it, and you can read it if you want to, I just wanted you to know so that you didn't feel like I was trying to hide anything from you"

 

He said, "I don't really care what it says" so I said ok, you don't have to read it, I just wanted you to know it happened and he said "ok, we can talk about it in a minute...I wanna take a shower"

His response is not the right one. YOU need for him to read it and then delete it - only because you already read it.

 

I'd read that you should have a plan in place what will happen if the AP tries to contact. We did, but fortunately after the NC letter, she never did. He had a few false alarms and told me immediately. When we figured out how to block her, then we never worried about it again. As previous poster said, go to your phone account on your provider's website and there will be a way to block it. There may be a small monthly fee. Can't remember. You can also call them and ask how to do it.

 

You can also block email addresses in your email account settings.

[Friskyone4u]

That message was NOTHING more than a fishing expedition and you know it. Sure he misses you. He wants more sex. YOU KNOW THAT.

 

Now as far as deleting it I would ask you this. Your husband does not want to see it, or so he says. If you do not delete it, is him saying he misses you going to be an ego kibble that is going to make you do something stupid???? If so, you better delete it.

 

Do not respond to this OM> Give him crickets. Men enter affairs for sex. Read that again please. He misses the opportunity to have sex with you. Once he understands and BELIEVES that will NEVER happen again he will not try to lure you any more. Right now, he believes he can start this bull **** "friend" crap and gradually get back to where you were.

 

Now do what others have told you ( I have I Phone so nothing about Android) and block him from EVERYTHING electronic . And if necessary get a new phone number.

 

And I cannot remember, but if any of your girlfriends know about this OM and know him, you tell them if they assist him in reaching you that they will become ex girlfriends in a New York second.

 

There is no half ass attempts here. You either do it 100% or not, but you do NOT leave any door open for him to try to wiggle through.

 

And I think your husband is being foolish b y playing the " I don't care" game. His ego and wanting to play tough guy ain't smart. If he is not pissed off, he needs a whack in the head

[alsudduth]

That message was NOTHING more than a fishing expedition and you know it. Sure he misses you. He wants more sex. YOU KNOW THAT.

 

you come off sounding very angry towards me. I feel like i did the right thing in this situation.

 

Of course I know what his msg was. Also, to clarify for you, this was not a PA in the sense that we had sex. An affair is an affair of course, but you seem awfully convinced that I can't wait to drop my pants for him. I have no desire to go back. My life is stressful enough right now without this.

 

Now as far as deleting it I would ask you this. Your husband does not want to see it, or so he says. If you do not delete it, is him saying he misses you going to be an ego kibble that is going to make you do something stupid???? If so, you better delete it.

 

I would like to delete it, but only if my husband is ok with that.

[Cephalopod]

Keep it for a week and then tell hubby if he doesn't want to read it you are deleting it. Don't keep it around forever.

[Friskyone4u]

You did the right thing. No reason to be angry at you.

 

But reason for you to be real angry at OM for trying to create more chaos in your marriage.

[merrmeade]

Keep it for a week and then tell hubby if he doesn't want to read it you are deleting it. Don't keep it around forever.

sorry but this is risky - Hubby needs to get on board and show her it matters to him by acting in tandem with her. It's supposed to allay his fears for pete's sake - besides make the WS accountable. She needs to feel that it matters to him and have a reason to do the right thing!

[Oberfeldwebel]

Your husband is never going to be the communicator that you want him to be and you are never going to just be content, as you husband wishes you to be. Still the fact is you are both working toward a common goal. This is just part of who you both are, flawed like the rest of us. Hang in there.

[Lobe]

als!!!! How's it going?!?!

[alsudduth]

als!!!! How's it going?!?!

 

It's going okay. I had an appt on Tuesday with my counselor. I told her that I realized one of the reasons I have a hard time trusting my H with our relationship is that he says one thing and does another....for example telling me he is too lazy to get divorced, but then acts very lovingly towards me afterward, and we talked about how I need to have a conversation with him about how it confuses me.

 

She suggested also having a conversation with him about what giving 100% in the relationship means to both of us, and to see if he would be willing to see a MC again as she really believes we need it. She said if he's not willing to put 100% in, then he's basically just waiting for me to do something wrong. And that that isn't really very fair to me, that we both deserve to be happy.

 

With regards to hearing from the OM, she said I did the right thing in telling my H and in not responding. She did find it odd that he didn't want to read the message. She suggested that since I didn't want to keep the message so it's not staring me in my face, to tell my H that I wish to delete it, and to do it together.

 

For my own grieving in hearing from the OM, I wrote a response email (without intention to send it) just to go through the process of getting my thoughts out. It helped and I'm trying to just move on and think of the positive progress I've made so far with my H. Just a small step back.

 

 

Wondered where you were!!

[DKT3]

Honestly, the therapist sounds a little iffy....I mean it's only been a short time since he found out, her urging you to force a commitment at this point is well...not bright.

 

Maybe it's unfair for you, not any more unfair then you forcing him to share you with another man.

 

Having an affair creates an imbalance in the marriage, the wayward spouse has some ground to make up. Demanding any thing above respect is a mistake if you goal is to save the marriage.

[alsudduth]

Honestly, the therapist sounds a little iffy....I mean it's only been a short time since he found out, her urging you to force a commitment at this point is well...not bright.

 

Maybe it's unfair for you, not any more unfair then you forcing him to share you with another man.

 

Having an affair creates an imbalance in the marriage, the wayward spouse has some ground to make up. Demanding any thing above respect is a mistake if you goal is to save the marriage.

 

I don't think really she meant literally ask him to make a choice RIGHT NOW, but that he needs to at least think about it. Part of the issue with my impatience is that he just doesn't think about it unless I push him to. He just wants to not think about it and live day by day. How will he ever know what he really wants in a relationship if he doesn't think about what he wants? How will he know if he wants to stay in the relationship if he doesn't think about whether he wants to or not? The goal for my therapist I think was to find a way to get my H to start thinking about these things vs trying to "sweep it under the rug" and just remain unhappy forever...That's not what either of us should want.

 

she knows my H, she was his IC also when he was going to IC....so she does know what may be helpful for him to explore what it is he really wants. Her specific suggestion, was to A. talk about what giving 100% means to each of us. B. ask if he would be willing to do that with a time frame in mind (Say Jan) and during that time get a feel for if when each of us is giving 100%, is it something we can be happy in.

[DKT3]

I don't think really she meant literally ask him to make a choice RIGHT NOW, but that he needs to at least think about it. Part of the issue with my impatience is that he just doesn't think about it unless I push him to. He just wants to not think about it and live day by day. How will he ever know what he really wants in a relationship if he doesn't think about what he wants? How will he know if he wants to stay in the relationship if he doesn't think about whether he wants to or not? The goal for my therapist I think was to find a way to get my H to start thinking about these things vs trying to "sweep it under the rug" and just remain unhappy forever...That's not what either of us should want.

 

she knows my H, she was his IC also when he was going to IC....so she does know what may be helpful for him to explore what it is he really wants. Her specific suggestion, was to A. talk about what giving 100% means to each of us. B. ask if he would be willing to do that with a time frame in mind (Say Jan) and during that time get a feel for if when each of us is giving 100%, is it something we can be happy in.

Oh he thinks about it first things about it first thing in the morning he thinks about it last thing at night before he goes to bed and he thinks about it all the time in between. Him not sharing his feelings with you doesn't mean he's not thinking about it.

 

As long as he's there you have an opportunity to work on it. I fear if you push the outcome will not be what you desire.

Edited September 8, 2016 by DKT3

[DKT3]

That didn't come out right, I used the tap and talk thing

[Lobe]

For my own grieving in hearing from the OM, I wrote a response email (without intention to send it) just to go through the process of getting my thoughts out.

 

And what are those thoughts? Out of curiosity only (not a suggestion) would you b comfortable sharing the email you did not send with your hubby? Why or why not? I kind of think that's a good litmus test for how far you've come in your R - I'd be curious to know what you said (coles notes version).

[alsudduth]

And what are those thoughts? Out of curiosity only (not a suggestion) would you b comfortable sharing the email you did not send with your hubby? Why or why not? I kind of think that's a good litmus test for how far you've come in your R - I'd be curious to know what you said (coles notes version).

 

I'll preempt with saying that I'm still working on getting over the OM, I have no desire to go back to an A, and am committed to giving my marriage the honest work it deserves to show my husband I am remorseful and want to see if what we have can be salvaged.......

 

That said, I wouldn't be opposed to showing the email to my H, if he wanted to see it.

 

The gist was that hearing from him was hard, that when I didn't hear from him it was easier to pretend like he had moved on, didn't think of me, and made it easier to feel like it didn't mean what we thought it did...but that hearing from him made me feel sad and guilty.

 

I said that I wished he would stop apologizing because I feel like I should be apologizing to everyone. That what I did was wrong, and unfair to not only my H especially, but to the OM, to my kids, and to myself.

 

I said that while I felt like my feelings for the OM were real at the time, that it caused me to become a person I did not like. I was lying, cheating, sneaky and I hated myself.

 

I said that I needed to the right thing, that I needed to find myself, and to put forth an honest effort to see if my marriage could be saved, and that that means not having any contact at all with OM. I said that working on my marriage likely burns the bridge with OM, but that it was okay because I refused to be a liar and a cheater again, and that if my marriage does not work, if my H can't get past it, then it would not be because I chose poorly again.

 

Lastly I wished peace for the both of us regardless of what the final outcome will be.

 

Again - for people who only skim - I DID NOT send this to the OM, and have NO INTENTION of sending this to the OM, this was ONLY to get my thoughts out of my brain.

[DKT3]

Doesn't sound good...it's like you seem to be doing the Honorable thing by staying married, yet your impatient about your husband being committed...I'm confused because that doesn't sound like a woman who wants to be married to her husband.

[Lobe]

Again - for people who only skim - I DID NOT send this to the OM, and have NO INTENTION of sending this to the OM, this was ONLY to get my thoughts out of my brain.

 

I love that you point that out for the skimmers...

 

It sounds like a very honest and heartfelt note, and I'm glad you'd be comfortable showing it to your husband. I was afraid it was going to read like a complaint against your BH not being 100% on board and you having regrets about not knowing how things would have turned out with OM because you're still in love with him. It's actually the kind of letter I think my WH would write is xOW if he had the chance. Though if he ever hit send I'd cut him.

 

Progress not perfection, als.

[alsudduth]

Doesn't sound good...it's like you seem to be doing the Honorable thing by staying married, yet your impatient about your husband being committed...I'm confused because that doesn't sound like a woman who wants to be married to her husband.

 

I think the impatience comes more from not knowing what else to do that I'm not already doing. I just want to know what he's thinking. If he's thinking about it as much as he says he is, I just want to know what he's thinking....even if he's still unsure about wanting to stay or go, I'd like for us to have those conversations. I try to be very open with him about my thoughts, maybe what I'm having a harder time explaining and it comes across as being impatient for an answer to stay or go, is that I really just want to know what he's thinking about all the time!

 

Anyway, its really hard to post here sometimes. I feel like I can't be honest or mis say one word for fear of it being completely picked apart in order to make me out to be an in genuine person who doesn't really want to work things out with her husband, and is just here for some kind of amusement. This is just a very confusing time for both of us, we both have lots of feeling and emotions about everything, and it's a lot to process.

[kgcolonel]

I think the impatience comes more from not knowing what else to do that I'm not already doing. I just want to know what he's thinking. If he's thinking about it as much as he says he is, I just want to know what he's thinking....even if he's still unsure about wanting to stay or go, I'd like for us to have those conversations. I try to be very open with him about my thoughts, maybe what I'm having a harder time explaining and it comes across as being impatient for an answer to stay or go, is that I really just want to know what he's thinking about all the time!

 

Anyway, its really hard to post here sometimes. I feel like I can't be honest or mis say one word for fear of it being completely picked apart in order to make me out to be an in genuine person who doesn't really want to work things out with her husband, and is just here for some kind of amusement. This is just a very confusing time for both of us, we both have lots of feeling and emotions about everything, and it's a lot to process.

 

 

Al...I hear you on the harshness and the picking apart on misspoken words...I think a couple of things happen here. One, all the posters have to go on is what is posted by you so in this instance, they, instead of listening very carefully, they are reading very carefully. Also several on this site have been the betrayed spouse and are deeply hurt and may not be completely objective....please look to the posts that are supportive and take the suggestions and advice selectively.

 

IMO, you sound very remorseful to me and I really hope you and your H are able to move on from this in a positive and healthy marriage.

[DKT3]

Al...I hear you on the harshness and the picking apart on misspoken words...I think a couple of things happen here. One, all the posters have to go on is what is posted by you so in this instance, they, instead of listening very carefully, they are reading very carefully. Also several on this site have been the betrayed spouse and are deeply hurt and may not be completely objective....please look to the posts that are supportive and take the suggestions and advice selectively.

 

IMO, you sound very remorseful to me and I really hope you and your H are able to move on from this in a positive and healthy marriage.

 

My point isn't about remorse. It purely if she really truly wants to be married. In the note she wrote to herself it comes off as being married is keeping the lovers apart, and not she is choosing to stay married because she loves and wants to be with her husband.

 

She seems genuinely confused about husband or lover yet she wants him to commit.

[Lobe]

My point isn't about remorse. It purely if she really truly wants to be married. In the note she wrote to herself it comes off as being married is keeping the lovers apart, and not she is choosing to stay married because she loves and wants to be with her husband.

 

She seems genuinely confused about husband or lover yet she wants him to commit.

 

I don't think she sounds confused or conflicted - she clearly said that while there is comfort in knowing he misses her that more than bringing her comfort, him contacting her merely reminds her of being at the lowest point of her life, where she hated the person she had become. Her letter was (I think) completely honest and realistic, not what her husband would "want" to hear or what she is "supposed" to say but speaking from her heart. It's not like it said, "oh, OM, how I miss thee I am so sad I can't talk with you because you know... "marriage" - too bad my husband will never stack up to your awesome... hopefully once I put in my mandatory time with him I'll be free to join you in fantasyland again!" Affair or not, it was a break up and jut because the wayward has to mourn it in private out of respect for their BS's feelings doesn't mean the mourning ain't happening.

[alsudduth]

So I had another conversation with my husband last night....

 

I asked him if he feels like he may be willing to go to marriage counseling again now and he said he doesn't know, which is better than an adamant NO before, so I take that as progress. He also said he doesn't know if he would be willing to do IC again.

 

I told him that I feel like it might help him sort out his feelings on what he truly wants because he deserves to be happy, and that I don't want him to just push it all aside to get through the next day.

 

Then I told him that while I appreciate and welcome the affection he has shown to me during this time, that I was confused because of him saying that he was too lazy to get divorced during our last conversation - and he said he didn't even remember our last conversation and that he was pretty sure he was just joking. I told him that that makes me feel like it's pointless to bring up the conversations, if he is just going to forget about them, or joke about it.

 

I told him that I don't expect for him to have an answer today about whether to stay or go, but that I need to know that he's thinking about it, and that I want to know what he's thinking so that we can work through it together, even if the end result is that we don't stay together. I tried to explain that before he told me he wanted a divorce, I thought that we were on the right track, and him telling me he wanted a divorce caught me completely off guard and that it was upsetting to me that for almost a year before I felt like something was off in our relationship and that every time I brought it up, it was "We are fine!" "Nothing is wrong" "it's your own insecurity" He finally said once "I'm so tired of dealing with your insecurities" (that was about a month before he told me he wanted a divorce) So at that time I believed it was me making up issues all in my head, and I started seeing my counselor. I had gotten to a point where I felt like I could let it go, and take it for what it was and then BAM he told me he wanted a divorce and had been feeling that way for about 10 months....he had stopped wearing his ring for about the last year, and made excuses like he lost it, or it hurt his finger at the gym.

 

I told him that this was why him not wearing his ring was so upsetting, that while I understand why right now, that it brings back the memories of him internally deciding to get out of the marriage without talking to me about the issues and that I just don't want that to happen again. He said he sees what I'm saying.

 

At some point in the conversation he mentioned that mostly he thinks about why I stayed for so long if I was so unhappy, I told him that I didn't know, but that part of it was maybe that I knew neither one of us was putting forth the necessary effort and that maybe I was holding out for that. Along with being afraid of the life change involved in getting a divorce. I asked him the same question and he said he didn't know.

 

I told him that I felt like our relationship deserved an honest effort and that that was what I intended to do. I told him that if he can't get past it, if we can't make the marriage work, then the least I could do was be good to him for the time we have left and that that was what I intended to do.

 

So overall, not a great conversation - but one that I think cleared up some things, and to let him know that I'm not going to give up just because he's not sure yet what he wants to do. I feel like we've taken a step back, but I suppose that is normal.

 

Our physical intimacy has stopped. He's been sick and working a lot, so it could just be that, but I can't help but feel like he doesn't want to be intimate.

[DKT3]

I don't know if you have seen any of our story here, but we were in almost the exact situation. My wife was very much like you in the sense that she pushed me for answers when I wasn't ready to give them.

 

I recall this in vivid details, I had made the final decision to divorce gave the go ahead to have her served on a Wednesday, that Thursday she knew something was off. She was persistent Friday into Saturday about my feelings on where we were. Finally I told her we are great and going in the direction we should. That following Monday she was served at her shop.

 

I was similar to your husband in the sense that I wasn't sure which direction I would go but the constant pressure pushed me to divorce. I was leaning towards it and didn't feel comfortable discussing it with her because I didn't want to deal with all the emotions, mostly hers because I had reached a very calm place and was comfortable with divorce, what it meant and how it would be co-parenting. I can honestly say I'm not sure it would have gone the same had she not worked so hard to gain control over my healing journey. This is the point I'm trying to get across, but I didn't want to interject my story.

 

He has to be allowed to heal at his pace, you never allowed him control in your affair, if you want the marriage you have to accept his pace. This seems to be about you wanting some level of control thus the likely true nature behind your impatience.

[Lobe]

I told him that I felt like our relationship deserved an honest effort and that that was what I intended to do. I told him that if he can't get past it, if we can't make the marriage work, then the least I could do was be good to him for the time we have left and that that was what I intended to do.

 

So overall, not a great conversation - but one that I think cleared up some things, and to let him know that I'm not going to give up just because he's not sure yet what he wants to do. I feel like we've taken a step back, but I suppose that is normal.

 

Our physical intimacy has stopped. He's been sick and working a lot, so it could just be that, but I can't help but feel like he doesn't want to be intimate.

 

I kind of feel like there's that weird power shift again. Your hubby cheated first and while that does not justify your affair it certainly should put you guys on level footing as far as your understanding of how it feels to be betrayed. His pain is not greater or more valid than yours was. Do you ever talk about his affair anymore or is it all about you now?

[Lobe]

I was similar to your husband in the sense that I wasn't sure which direction I would go but the constant pressure pushed me to divorce. I was leaning towards it and didn't feel comfortable discussing it with her because I didn't want to deal with all the emotions, mostly hers because I had reached a very calm place and was comfortable with divorce, what it meant and how it would be co-parenting. I can honestly say I'm not sure it would have gone the same had she not worked so hard to gain control over my healing journey. This is the point I'm trying to get across, but I didn't want to interject my story.

 

This is an interesting insight because it shows that you were not honest with your wife about where your head was at and instead of discussing it with her you led her on until you were ready to let her go. It's easy to say you don't know if it would have gone that way had she not persisted, but hit's just as easy to speculate that had you been honest in the first place she might have backed off. How long would you actually expect any reasonable person to just life in a silent hell being led to believe everything was OK while their partner hung the threat of divorce over their head? Seriously, my first husband threatened to leave me on a regular basis and I lived in a perpetual state of anxiety...

 

Als, while I agree you're maybe pushing harder than your husband wants to deal with right now, I also think it's fair of you to say what you are feeling. Is there a way you can express your feelings without implying that there is pressure on him to decide? Tell him how much you appreciate his kindness, no but afterwards. Thank him for being in your life, no but afterwards. When he does share something, thank him for being open and honest so he learns to trust that he can say things without you jumping all over him.

 

Lastly, I think you need to be honest with both him and yourself about your personal deal breakers - living with a man who refuses to put his ring on and is holding you hostage indefinitely while he decides if he wants a divorce or not is no way to live. It's emotionally and psychologically abusive. It's OK for you to say that MC or IC is not optional, because if you both had affairs, you both have sh*t to sort out. Your affair was YOUR fault, his affair was HIS fault, but the broken marriage belongs to BOTH of you.