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The inevitable happened

alsudduth

By alsudduth,
in Infidelity

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BluesPower

BluesPower

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40SG,

 

As much as affairs suck for everyone, it is usually not always that cut and dry.

 

I have been on both sides and it does give you a different perspective.

 

You hang in there 40 and alsudduth, I will work out one way or another.

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Simoo

Simoo

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Well, the inevitable happened. My husband found out I was talking to another guy.

 

I have been trying to end it with the OM for some time and it was proving difficult. My husband found a text message from him so I came clean and told him that I had been talking to him and was aware that there was no excuse.

 

I'm not here to try and make excuses for myself or be told that it's ok. I just need an outlet to talk because I'm tying to give my husband some space to sort his feelings.

 

Few things to point out -

this was not a PA but an EA.

the OM lives in my hometown not in the state I live now

I blocked his number this morning so as not to be tempted by texts or calls I may receive from him

 

My husband says that part of him doesn't care what I do with this guy, that I am going to do what I'm going to do, and he'll do what he's going to do.

 

I told him that I don't feel like that is the best way to go about fixing this. I told him that I loved him, and he said I should spend some time considering if that is actually true or not.

I did tell him that it was true, and that I went about trying to solve a problem in our relationship in the wrongest way possible. If you read my other threads you will get some insight into our marriage troubles.

 

I understand that regardless of the problems an affair is never the answer. I was completely wrong. any ideas on how to fix this? We have been planning a move back to our home state (though is a different city). My husband says if we move back to our home state that I would no longer be allowed to visit my hometown alone. at this point I'm so ashamed that I would agree to just about anything he asked of me.

 

I don't want to lecture you about how badly u messed up, but what I can do is give u a male perspective, and what I mean by that is what ur husband probably thinks.

The fact that it was a EA and not PA doesn't make that much difference, the thing is u flirted and talked to another guy, u already did the hard part, the sex wouldn't have been hard then, I mean from his POV u went as far as getting interested by other guys, what's not to tell him u won't do it again ? what's not to tell him u would have ended it if he didn't find out ? what's to tell him u wouldn't eventually have crossed the line if he didn't find out ? and also what can be the worst thing is that he may have imagined u and the OM together or what u would have done with him, I mean all this kind of stuff, so If u love ur husband that much u have to be ready to put up with all his ****

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alsudduth

alsudduth

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Been a bit - Things are moving along. I'm still going to counseling, I've started a new workout routine and am starting to feel a little better about myself.

 

I had a date last weekend with my husband, we had a nice time. We've been getting along well, and I find that he is interested to spend time with me. It's been a busy few weeks with the kids so we haven't had a lot of alone time, but when we do, it's mostly good.

 

He mentioned a week or so ago, that he feels like I'm making a big deal out of things - I told him that I thought this was a pretty big deal....

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Cephalopod

Cephalopod

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Been a bit - Things are moving along. I'm still going to counseling, I've started a new workout routine and am starting to feel a little better about myself.

 

I had a date last weekend with my husband, we had a nice time. We've been getting along well, and I find that he is interested to spend time with me. It's been a busy few weeks with the kids so we haven't had a lot of alone time, but when we do, it's mostly good.

 

He mentioned a week or so ago, that he feels like I'm making a big deal out of things - I told him that I thought this was a pretty big deal....

 

He's trying to rugsweep. Don't let him.

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merrmeade

merrmeade

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He's trying to rugsweep. Don't let him.
Huh? She's the WS.

 

A, I was wondering if you feel the antidepressant is working.

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alsudduth

alsudduth

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Huh? She's the WS.

 

A, I was wondering if you feel the antidepressant is working.

 

I do feel like it's working now that I had the dosage increased. I also the anti anxiety med switched up and I'm definitely starting to feel better.

 

I'm at a point where I feel like I'm doing what I can to show my remorse, to show him he can eventually trust me, and that no matter how much of a dick he can be sometimes, i will never go down the affair route again. Doesn't mean I'll stay with him if he chooses to go back to his own selfish ways, but I will never have another affair ever again. The pain and fallout from it all is too much for us. basically I'm doing everything I have the power to control in the situation, and working on things that I have power to control within myself.

 

I've started working out again, I think having my own "thing" will help a lot. I can see small effort on my husbands part. I try to be continually open with him, but I've stopped trying to have major conversations. I don't want to rugsweep things, I just think there is not much else I can do right now besides keep on keeping on and getting myself in a healthier place mentally and physically.

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DKT3

DKT3

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I do feel like it's working now that I had the dosage increased. I also the anti anxiety med switched up and I'm definitely starting to feel better.

 

I'm at a point where I feel like I'm doing what I can to show my remorse, to show him he can eventually trust me, and that no matter how much of a dick he can be sometimes, i will never go down the affair route again. Doesn't mean I'll stay with him if he chooses to go back to his own selfish ways, but I will never have another affair ever again. The pain and fallout from it all is too much for us. basically I'm doing everything I have the power to control in the situation, and working on things that I have power to control within myself.

 

I've started working out again, I think having my own "thing" will help a lot. I can see small effort on my husbands part. I try to be continually open with him, but I've stopped trying to have major conversations. I don't want to rugsweep things, I just think there is not much else I can do right now besides keep on keeping on and getting myself in a healthier place mentally and physically.

 

I really think it's the right way to attack it, let it move at his pace. I believe as long as you see progress it's a good thing.

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Cephalopod

Cephalopod

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Huh? She's the WS.

 

A, I was wondering if you feel the antidepressant is working.

 

BSs rugsweep as often as WSs do. She should encourage him to talk to her about his feelings, or he will eventually blow up or make himself sick.

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Cephalopod

Cephalopod

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I do feel like it's working now that I had the dosage increased. I also the anti anxiety med switched up and I'm definitely starting to feel better.

 

I'm at a point where I feel like I'm doing what I can to show my remorse, to show him he can eventually trust me, and that no matter how much of a dick he can be sometimes, i will never go down the affair route again. Doesn't mean I'll stay with him if he chooses to go back to his own selfish ways, but I will never have another affair ever again. The pain and fallout from it all is too much for us. basically I'm doing everything I have the power to control in the situation, and working on things that I have power to control within myself.

 

I've started working out again, I think having my own "thing" will help a lot. I can see small effort on my husbands part. I try to be continually open with him, but I've stopped trying to have major conversations. I don't want to rugsweep things, I just think there is not much else I can do right now besides keep on keeping on and getting myself in a healthier place mentally and physically.

 

He seems to be getting over it quickly.

 

Has he cheated on you before?

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alsudduth

alsudduth

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He seems to be getting over it quickly.

 

Has he cheated on you before?

 

Yes, it was mentioned in here in the middle of these pages....but he had an emotional affair and asked for a divorce before I had started talking to the OM. I started talking to the OM during the time we were talking about divorcing. Then my H decided he wanted to try counseling.

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alsudduth

alsudduth

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Hey LS! It's been a bit since I've posted. Not a lot to report, which I think is a good thing.

 

I continue to see my counselor and I feel like I am still making progress. The depression meds are REALLY helping.

 

My H still won't wear his ring, but I feel him warming up a bit more. He was laid off last week from his 20 year job, so I'm just trying to be as supportive as I can to him. We are all at my parents this weekend for Thanksgiving. I look forward to good family time.

 

Hope everyone is doing well! Happy Thanksgiving! (and Holidays!)

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alsudduth

alsudduth

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Hey LS~

 

I hope you all had a good holiday! We did on our end! Things are still progressing for us. I have gone to see the counselor about once a month now.

 

My husband has said he wants to buy a house together or move somewhere together. In any event he says he still wants to be together. He still will not wear his ring. I'm trying to be positive that it will come, but do you think it is worth it to ask him to try wearing his ring if he is wanting to still build a future with me?

 

for reasons, that I've posted here as well as spoken with him about, it makes me very nervous when he doesn't wear it. I get his reasoning here, but if he wants to continue a future with me, is it inappropriate to ask him to put his ring back on? We are at the 6 month mark of DDay.

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DKT3

DKT3

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Hey LS~

 

I hope you all had a good holiday! We did on our end! Things are still progressing for us. I have gone to see the counselor about once a month now.

 

My husband has said he wants to buy a house together or move somewhere together. In any event he says he still wants to be together. He still will not wear his ring. I'm trying to be positive that it will come, but do you think it is worth it to ask him to try wearing his ring if he is wanting to still build a future with me?

 

for reasons, that I've posted here as well as spoken with him about, it makes me very nervous when he doesn't wear it. I get his reasoning here, but if he wants to continue a future with me, is it inappropriate to ask him to put his ring back on? We are at the 6 month mark of DDay.

 

Don't push, 6 months is still very early, but we know how impatient you are....

 

An idea, buy him a new one, that one represents betrayal and lies.

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BluesPower

BluesPower

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I does not hurt to ask, the worst he could say is no.

 

However, he should give you a reason at the very least.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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alsudduth

alsudduth

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I've made it almost 7 months now with no contact with OM. I feel proud of that, because it hasn't been easy.

 

I just came back from my second visit with my parents that I took on my own without my husband or kids, and was able to keep to NC. I feel proud of that too.

 

My Husband and I have made a decision to purchase a house together and move further north in AZ when the kids finish school this year. I feel like this is a great step for us, but I am also very nervous. It seems odd to feel nervous about buying a house with your partner of 20 years. But I'm taking it as a sign that we are doing OK and working towards a better partnership. We are getting along well, he's trying to pick up more slack around the house since he got laid off, which is something I really appreciate.

 

Overall we are the right track I think. I just want to thank everyone for the good advise and encouragement you've given throughout this process....even you, DKT3 ;)

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