The inevitable happened

[road]

I've never been a woman, but I think the internal battle that a BH fights is different.

 

If Im being honest, I'm going to say your husband is looking for a reason to stay, right now he is using "too lazy".

 

I think it's a mistake on your part to bring up divorce in any manner, if he leads the conversation there it's one thing. You suggesting it could come across as it being something you're interested in, and from following your post you clearly are not.

 

Back to the not a woman thing. One of the most difficult things about marriage is the difference in how men and women process pain and suffering. Women tend to want to talk through things, while the majority of men internalize, thinking their way through. This creates a great deal of insecurity in women.

 

It's key that you watch for signs. If he continues to show emotions, mostly anger, then he is still in. If you're still riding the roller coaster it means he is still processing through it. Still looking for his reason to stay. Once you notice an even calmness, then you're in trouble. This likely means he has come to terms with what it's like to be apart.

 

You seem impatient to me. I know you say it will take time, but I get the feeling your looking for some validation that you're doing the right things. Relax, be patient. Understand that all you can do is be a better you, you can't make him be better.

 

Stay focused on the fact that he is there, don't be giving him any ideas of divorce, as I said the danger is it coming across as something you want and you are choosing OM. Danger, even if your true intentions are to make it easier for him.

 

 

 

 

Recovery is a 2 to 5 years process. It takes years to get back to normal.

[DKT3]

Your husband's affair was a EA, correct?

[ShatteredLady]

As a woman his EA was devastating. It killed our love story. Maybe because it was with the SAME (one ex) coworker that he had his first affair with 12 years ago!

 

I completely get the whole "Women want to talk & men don't" but this is why I'm getting closer to divorce. Shouldn't a guilty man take the hit & force himself to swallow his pride & TALK! If you don't want hard emotional conversations don't destroy your woman to start with!!!

[alsudduth]

Your husband's affair was a EA, correct?

 

Yes. As far as I have been told, nothing physical happened. They live in different states. I'm on the fence on whether I believe that or not since it seems awfully convienent that they both told their spouses they wanted out of the relationship within about a week of each other and my H had attended a VW show that happened to be in her hometown around that same time.....what would your gut tell you about that?

 

However, he swears nothing happened physically and that he did not see her when in CA. I have no proof, so I've just tucked that convienent chain of events into the back of my mind. It didn't or hasn't had any affect on the decision to go to counseling the first time around. If I were to find out now that something physical did happen then, at this point it would be just another notch in our who hurt who belt. I can't keep score anymore. It just doesn't matter. All that matters now to me is that we stop the cycle of hurting each other.

[Lobe]

I think your WH is keeping score and holding it over you, sort of. Not that it's a contest, but you say your resentment built partly as a result of his unwillingness to address his affair and make you feel secure, but now that you're just as guilty as him, it almost sounds like you're giving him the "upper hand." If I were to ask you if you feel like he made amends to your satisfaction, what would you say?

[alsudduth]

I think your WH is keeping score and holding it over you, sort of. Not that it's a contest, but you say your resentment built partly as a result of his unwillingness to address his affair and make you feel secure, but now that you're just as guilty as him, it almost sounds like you're giving him the "upper hand." If I were to ask you if you feel like he made amends to your satisfaction, what would you say?

 

I would say, that he really started to make changes to the point that I knew I could forgive him. (Hence the reason I was starting to try and find a way out of the affair) but that then I jacked it all up by being too weak to end my own A until I got caught.

[Lobe]

I would say, that he really started to make changes to the point that I knew I could forgive him. (Hence the reason I was starting to try and find a way out of the affair) but that then I jacked it all up by being too weak to end my own A until I got caught.

 

Well, damn.

 

Do you still feel a lot of resentment or has your own guilt softened that?

[alsudduth]

Well, damn.

 

Do you still feel a lot of resentment or has your own guilt softened that?

 

I feel like resentment is the wrong word to use now for that particular situation, I do think my own guilt has softened that a bit., with regards to his A, I think what I feel most is a longing for him to truly understand the damage it did. I feel like I can see without him even telling me how much I have hurt him with my own actions, and the fact that it took him so long to even start to try and repair the damage from his A is still hurtful to me.

[Lobe]

the fact that it took him so long to even start to try and repair the damage from his A is still hurtful to me.

 

I totally get that - kind of like how I will always be angry that I busted my WH and that he didn't end his A and confess. He had a chance (months on end of chances) to make it right, so why didn't he?

 

I think it must be incredibly difficult to recover from both your own affair as well as your husband's at the same time. It adds a layer of complexity I'm grateful not to have in my situation. I don't have any words of wisdom for you today, just know that I'll keep sending you and your hubby positive vibes for an amicable resolution.

[ladydesigner]

I feel like resentment is the wrong word to use now for that particular situation, I do think my own guilt has softened that a bit., with regards to his A, I think what I feel most is a longing for him to truly understand the damage it did. I feel like I can see without him even telling me how much I have hurt him with my own actions, and the fact that it took him so long to even start to try and repair the damage from his A is still hurtful to me.

 

Yep I can relate to this. I had a RA (still an A) after my Wh's first infidelity. I didn't tell him until his second A. But the difference in how I handled my A D-day and his are starkly different. I laid ALL my cards on the table... my WH did not and still to this day proves to be ill-equipped at post A recovery and remorse, which has led me believe he is most likely personality disordered (his IC said he has strong NPD tendencies).

[alsudduth]

So I always post about all the bad stuff, but last night was a good night. I want to share a few things last night within my family that made us all go to sleep smiling.

 

1. My daughter was trying to explain to me how she wants to get her done and how she wants the color, so we were scouring through pictures to try and find what she wanted. She came across a picture of a gorgeous mane in a back view and when she clicked on it, it was actually a gif, and in the gif the person tossed their hair as they turned and it turned out to be fabio type guy. It was so unexpected that my daughter and I looked at each other and then broke down in uncontrollable giggles for about 5 mins.

 

2. while my H was at the gym, I played a game of Yahtzee with the kids. I totally schooled them at it, but more importantly, we had a really great time and were full of laughs when my H got home, and I could tell it made him happy to see us playing together and having a good time.

 

3. I was in the kitchen and as I'm making a tiramisu for a work function I had a few packages of lady fingers in the cupboard. My son came in and cautiously asked "Mom, what are lady fingers?" I explained what they were and asked him if it freaked him for a brief second. he was like "YES!!! For like a split second I was a little worried!" LOLOLOL So I thought it was so funny I went and told my husband while he was in the shower, and my husband took it from there suggesting that I should have gone with it and told him that I keep them around for my regular fingers get worn out, and since I've been doing so much massage on the side that I needed to stock up on new fingers. he went on and on with all the ideas that we could have gotten my son with and we were DYING with laughter, if there wasn't a toilet so near by since I was in the bathroom, I might have peed myself.

 

It was all a reminder that I have a good life. One that I lost sight of when focusing on the negatives. Last night will go into a memory bank of "It's not all bad"

[alsudduth]

So I think I've been looking at things wrong, in a way. I've been waiting for my H to tell me I'm doing good in everything I've been doing to make things better. What I should be doing is looking for signs that he wants to be here. It hit me yesterday. He texted me just to say he was thinking about me. We chatted a few minutes and then he said "I was thinking I'd like to take you to dinner at your favorite restaurant to thank you for everything you do around the house and for the kids"

 

Soooo we have a date tonight. I'm excited

[kgcolonel]

So I think I've been looking at things wrong, in a way. I've been waiting for my H to tell me I'm doing good in everything I've been doing to make things better. What I should be doing is looking for signs that he wants to be here. It hit me yesterday. He texted me just to say he was thinking about me. We chatted a few minutes and then he said "I was thinking I'd like to take you to dinner at your favorite restaurant to thank you for everything you do around the house and for the kids"

 

Soooo we have a date tonight. I'm excited

 

Your husband sounds like a very "under stated" man. This move may be the equivalent to someone else smashing symbols....take if for what it is from your husband....I personally see this as a great sign. How did you see it?

[alsudduth]

Your husband sounds like a very "under stated" man. This move may be the equivalent to someone else smashing symbols....take if for what it is from your husband....I personally see this as a great sign. How did you see it?

 

I saw it as an olive branch...I saw it as a sign of hope that we both may be ready to if nothing else give our relationship one last shot at success by being committed to meeting each others needs. I saw it as a sign that talking helps, no matter how inconsequential the conversation may seem, I see that it is helping.

 

And I see it as validation that I am doing the right things to cause him to want to stay in the marriage right now. I'm quite proud of him for continuing to show me love and affection after he's been so hurt by me, that is not something I believe he would have done a year ago.

[DKT3]

One year ago you were having an affair, and behind all the window dressing and crap affairs need a few elements, one being thinking less of your spouse.

 

When we first tried MC I wasn't ready, and it was mainly to untangle our long history. With that mindset I didn't get much from it except one thing. During this session the therapist looked at my wife and said "communication in marriage is not very complicated, but it requires attention, watch how he communicates with you and do it back" at first I was thinking we are paying this clown $300 an hour for this bull-cit. Over time for some reason it stuck with me. It dawned on me several years after we divorced that I had gone about it all wrong. People show you with their actions what they like. For instance, my wife since we started in high school would leave me notes everywhere, in my locker, my car, my mailbox really, everywhere. In 18 years prior to the divorce I never once left her one. What a dumbazz.

 

Point being you can't expect everyone to communicate the way you would like them to, I tried to walk you into this thought the other day when you were talking about needing validation, and I hinted that you were getting it from him. He has been showing you improvement, but not really communicating it to you the way you would like.

 

It's really great that you've finally started to see the validation, even if it's not the form you would like.

[kgcolonel]

Aloud duty, your husband I believe is a man that you'll have to listen to and watch very closely to get the desired responses and answers you want and need so bad. He will be very subtle and understated during the R.....just be patient and loving and you'll get the answers and direction you so want.

[alsudduth]

The weekend went well The kids went to my in-laws on Saturday night, so my H and I went to dinner. He took me to my favorite restaurant. Neither of us had our phones out, and we had pleasant conversation about a lot of things, I specifically tried to keep the kids out of the conversation because it is the one thing we always will have something in common. My goal was to find other ways to talk to each other. We talked about football, how fresh the green chile tasted! (Hey Lobe, gotta love that Hatch Green Chile amirite?!) and ideas on having an RV life at some point....anyway the conversation didn't feel out of place or forced. It was a really nice time.

 

After dinner we went home (My H has been working weekends for Overtime) and just hung out for a bit before bed. When he came home from work yesterday, I gave him a long massage to help him relax from working so much and to thank him for dinner the night before, and it ended with us being intimate. Overall a really great weekend. I'm happy with how it went

[kgcolonel]

Good for you!!! You're getting to his "Love Language" stay the course, listen to him carefully and always provide him a place to have a "safe" conversation. I believe he will come around.

[Lobe]

(Hey Lobe, gotta love that Hatch Green Chile amirite?!) and ideas on having an RV life at some point....anyway the conversation didn't feel out of place or forced. It was a really nice time.

 

I'm glad you went and had a lovely time but thanks for forgetting to send the invitation... that was rude lol

[alsudduth]

I'm glad you went and had a lovely time but thanks for forgetting to send the invitation... that was rude lol

 

Next Time!!!

[Lobe]

Next Time!!!

 

That one time you forget gloves to peel those delicious roasted b*tches...

 

Though I have to admit I'm a bad New Mexican - I prefer green curry to green chile stew and and samosas over sopapillas lol

[alsudduth]

That one time you forget gloves to peel those delicious roasted b*tches...

 

Though I have to admit I'm a bad New Mexican - I prefer green curry to green chile stew and and samosas over sopapillas lol

 

Just when I thought we could be best friends!!! lol

[Lobe]

Just when I thought we could be best friends!!! lol

 

lo siento...

[alsudduth]

LoveShackers! Help me be strong please! I just received a text from OM. I'm afraid to read it. My husband just went to the gym. I've thought over and over what to do when the day comes that he contacts me. I know the correct answer is to tell my husband and I intend to. But my heart is beating so fast and I'm so afraid of what his reaction will be. Things have been going so well and I am afraid to take a step back.

 

I need your supportive words!!! PLEASE!

[alsudduth]

ok I read it.

 

it said "Hi. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everything I put you and your family through, and I just wanted to say hi and I miss you"

 

I intend to tell my husband when he gets home. I'm about to burst into tears. the only thing keeping me from doing so is that my daughter is sitting in here with me doing her homework.