The unimaginable

[towardtheend]

My wife (31) and I (30) have been married for 8 years with 2 children (2 and 4). I am active duty AF and my wife has a great job working from home. We met and married in Virginia. A few years later we moved to California, bought a house and started our family. There were ups and downs. There were mistakes make by my wife and I. Communication wasn't the best and resentments were held. I love my wife dearly but I wouldnt say we had a great marriage. I thought the stress of a new house which I spent a year remodeling to her satisfaction along with the stress of first time parents with children 18 months apart was the source of most of our disagreements. I thought we would find our way through the stressful time and come out the other end.

I got orders and we moved to Alaska in March 2015. She was somewhat distant during our move and we were not loving to each other. Conversations were matter of fact. We talked about what we had to. We bought a beautiful house and moved in in June. I thought this was the opportunity for us to shake off the old stresses of house remodeling and everything that revolved it. Things seemed ok. It seemed like she wanted to be there and I was doing everything I could to be the best provider and father that I could be. I worked a lot and was always 100% hands on with parenting and house work. We handled money and responsibilities extremely well. Looking back, I can see that we very much neglected each other while prioritizing everything else around us.

In Sept she came home and told me while holding back tears that she had been having an affair for 2 months with a man in the Army. It turns out all those mornings I had come home from working a 12 hour shift and got the kids breakfast and started their day while mom slept was because she was staying up late at night talking to her AP. She had been to his cabin and admitted to having sex with him twice. One time in our gym parking lot while our children were in the gym daycare.

She said she was sorry and wanted to work on our marriage and that she was done with AP. I took a couple of days to be upset and was distant. I flew into "fix it" mode and was everything a man would think a perfect husband should be.

I went on a 3 week work trip in late October. She said she needed to contact AP for closure. She said she abruptly ended things and needed to end in properly. She called him while I was gone and the next time I talked to her her disposition completely changed. She was distant and sad.

I came home and she did the indecision dance between him and I until Thanksgiving. She said she wanted me and our family. The holidays past and everything seemed like it was improving.

I never checked her phone, emails, etc. But, in early January I walked by her phone and had a weird feeling to look at it. I pushed the home screen button and found multiple texts from AP and my wife full of "I love you's" and the such. The AP's contact name was "love of my life". I confronted her and she said she didnt know what to do. She had feelings for him and was tired of being in a "loveless marriage".

She told me January 10 that she wanted a divorce and the crazy show began.

When I was at work, she was with him and our kids. Our kids were exchanging I love you's with this guy in under a month. She got pregnant and had an abortion. During my weekend I would stay home with the kids and watch as she packed a weekend bag with sexy new panties, groceries to cook for him, a massager, and random items. She would come and go during the weekend. It was extremely painful to watch all of this. I ended up moving out and staying with a friend during the work week and only came home on weekends to be with the kids.

I went on another work trip and while video chatting with my 2 year old daughter, I told her I missed her and she told me she missed (AP name). It seemed like I was being drowned daily by painful comments or sights.

She moved out and got an apartment 20 minutes away. She is in a relationship with AP and having talks of marriage and another child. She plans of submitting our divorce paperwork to court this week. I pay $1200 a month in child support while she works and he AP out ranks me. They make an insane amount of money together and I'm just adding to it.

So, obviously I have some pretty hard feelings for the AP. I havent spoken to him or met him. He has stayed as involved as possible while navigating around not being punished by the military for what hes done. As soon as the divorce is final my bet is he is going to rush in to be full on step dad on day 1. If she stays with him and they marry, they will move in a year to North Carolina most likely.

So there it is. Lost my wife to another man. Another man is going to be heavily involved with my children. And most likely my wife (ex) and AP will take my children thousands of miles away from me. I've consulted with a lawyer and there isnt much I can do to keep her from taking the kids.

 

For the people that have been through this. I'm not about to exit my childrens lives. How the hell do I stay involved in their lives as their dad when I have to deal with this POS? Everytime I'm with my kids they say stuff about this and that having to do with AP. It's soul crushing. I dont bad mouth AP to the kids for many reasons. They wont understand and I dont know how long this guy will be in their lives and to what extent.

 

Meanwhile my wife (ex) has lost about 75 lbs and looks absolutely amazing. It's all so damn hard to stomach. I wake up thinking about, think about it all day, and go to bed thinking about it. My life has been completely flipped upside down and I cant see it ever getting better. There are upsides dont get me wrong. I enjoy not being nagged or hounded about this and that, but I am absolutely still in love with her and it kills to know that she loves another man and he gets treated much better than I ever did.

 

I really dont know where to go from here.

[luck1978]

WOW!! You have been shafted in every way shape and form, where is your anger toward this woman? You have been treated in an absolutely disgusting manner and this you need to realise before you lose all self respect.

[Satu]

The only way you can keep your sanity now is to think about your kids and nobody else. Not your wife, not her AP.

 

Just you and your kids.

 

 

Take care.

[Angelica21]

So, so sorry!

 

Get that divorce over as fast as possible. Make sure she files those divorce papers this week, even if you need to drive her to the courthouse yourself.

 

GET A GOOD ATTORNEY to be sure that you get the best possible divorce settlement that is good for everyone, something fair and equitable.

 

Don't worry about competing with AP now, or even if they marry and he becomes StepDad. You are still RealDad, and always will be.

 

Just take one step at a time, and give your kids lots of love and attention.

 

It will be a painful process, but everything will work out okay.

 

Much later, after you recover from the divorce, you will find a good woman and be happy with her. Together, you and your new wife will make a happy life for your children.

[Marc878]

You are in the military. Turn his ass in. For gods sake man at least get some closure.

 

They have strict standards on this stuff.

 

They ruined your life, family and future here. Give them some consequences.

[Marc878]

You have absolutely nothing to lose here with full exposure. Get up your evidence together and file it officially with your superiors immediately.

 

Do not warn or say anything to your wife or OM. Let them deal with the consequences. After you file with the military do the same with her and his family, friends, etc.

 

They could give a damn about you. What are you affraid of???????

 

Do yourself a big favor download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" it s free.

 

This will at least get you some respect back they are walking all over you and treating you like a doormat. You don't deserve this. No one does.

Edited July 4, 2016 by Marc878

[DKT3]

Awesome thing is you can actually block your wife from leaving the state with your kids, or force her to be responsible for getting them to you for regular visitation. I doubt she can afford to fly them from the East coast to the West coast Tuesday Wednesday and every other weekend.

 

Her failing to do so will land her in the tank..

[Angelica21]

Be strong, and take the advice regarding filing the correct paperwork with your military superiors.

 

I didn't know that was an option, but definitely do it.

[Marc878]

The military has pretty strict guidelines on adultery. dosnt matter if he outranks you. Take his ass down. Make sure you lay the evidence on thick.

 

Affairs like this thrive in secrecy and dark. They are probably count on you to roll over and do nothing.

 

No warning!!!!!!! I'd do all exposure st one time. Blanket everyone. His superiors, peers. Put and exposure letter together and get their friends, family of Facebook, etc once you get all together send out private messages to all.

 

Blow their little world up. It's worth a shot. At the very least you'll get some closure out of it.

 

A lot of folks will tell you not to do revenge. It's good advice if you're a gutless coward.

 

Show them how wrong they were about you.

[minimariah]

The military has pretty strict guidelines on adultery. dosnt matter if he outranks you. Take his ass down. Make sure you lay the evidence on thick.

 

this.

 

+ file for joint custody; are you sure there is NOTHING you can do to prevent her from taking your children away? also, PAS (parental alienation syndrome) - read about it, consult the professionals on how to fight it. spend with them AT LEAST 50% of the time. go to their school and sport functions, see them whenever you can. be there for them and build a strong relationship with them; reassure them that you're their father and that you'll always love them while maintaining authority. make sure you are involved in EVERYTHING and if the AP tries to "remove" you in any way... react.

 

good luck. find a good lawyer, please. also, try to seek spousal support.

[Weathersf1]

Wow bro,

 

You're the strongest man I have encountered on this forum yet. I have read a thousand responses and have been short changed myself but compared to you, I don't have anything to complain about or be proud of.

 

Your resilience and strength is legendary and even though you can't see or feel this today. Not long from now, you will be glad that she left. Those 75 pounds will come back with interest, so will all the bad karma she and her lover have accumulated.

 

No one can force anyone to be with them but ending things in a decent, sincere and painless way is the least someone can do as they are walking away from their commitments and lying to your face while doing it.

 

I have gone through some brutal child custody battles and can assure you that there is a lot you can do to prevent her from taking the kids away. Spare no expense when it comes to lawyers. I learned that the hard way and don't give an inch when it comes visitation and your custodial rights.

 

You seem like a great, decent guy but I won't tell you that you will find some one better cause I'm a great decent guy that's gotten cheated and dumped twice in the last 10 years. Once by my ex wife after 3 years and once by my fiancé also after 3 years. They both cheated and walked away towards greener pastures while I nursed my scars. My ex wife got what she deserved by getting arrested for child negligence and I got custody of my daughter. My ex gf, I don't know what will happen to her and I don't want to.

 

Point is bro, the good that is in you will not always be rewarded in the way you expect but you will look back and not only make peace with yourself but also learn to enjoy a new life that you never thought was possible.

 

Hang in there brother and our support and prayers are with you.

[bummer]

Wow bro,

 

You're the strongest man I have encountered on this forum yet. I have read a thousand responses and have been short changed myself but compared to you, I don't have anything to complain about or be proud of.

 

Your resilience and strength is legendary and even though you can't see or feel this today.

 

Couldn't have said it better. Thanks for your service. Good luck whether you let them run away happy or you run them into the ground. I support your choice because you're awesome.

[Captivating]

Hi Toward,

What your wife is doing is a reflection on her, this is terrible.

It is one thing to get a divorce but these kids are just as yours as hers.

She is doing not only to you but your kids as well.

If she is capable of breaking up a family and moving away with the kids ....

then she is a monster. When people get infatuated with someone they think that they are in love, I bet they don't even know each other. Things can change...

I bet she supposed to provide the kids for you by law and she cannot move away, you need to talk to divorce lawyers fast !

Also, talk to your wife and ask her to at least stay in the same city as you are at. Always talk to her calmly, always be nice around the kids, don't lose it !

Tell her "Just imagine, you being in my shoes. Your soon to be ex wanting to take away the kids with a new woman, how would taht make you feel ?? I am their DAD and always will be ! "

These are your kids, never give up fighting for shared custody.

I can only imagine what kind of pain you are in, it must be unbearable.

Keep your chin up, spend lots of time with the kids and talk to lawyers !

[Mr. Lucky]

So there it is. Lost my wife to another man. Another man is going to be heavily involved with my children. And most likely my wife (ex) and AP will take my children thousands of miles away from me. I've consulted with a lawyer and there isnt much I can do to keep her from taking the kids.

 

None of this is true but you'll need the right lawyer to advocate for you and your kids. Get started....

 

Mr. Lucky

[standtall]

OP...what state are you in? I find it hard to believe that she can take the kids thousands of miles away without your permission. As a matter of fact, I guarantee she can't based on the info from the original post. Something is missing here.

 

The courts in most states say the tramp can leave a marriage all she wants, but the kids stay.

 

Get another lawyer...unless you don't want primary custody?

[towardtheend]

My wife rationalizes everything she has done and explains it all away. She has had very little remorse and has only been slightly apologetic at times. When things got really crazy in May, I turned the AP into my supervision and they contacted the AP's supervision.

A no contact order was put in place until the divorce is final. They break the no contact order all of the time, but the kids aren't involved anymore which is was I most care about. I came home from my work trip (where I initiated the no contact order) and found a dip (tobacco) bottle in my bathroom while I was bathing my children. They are breaking the no contact order while the kids sleep, if there is a babysitter, or I have the kids.

1. I cant prove the no contact is being broken - which his supervision would need to punish him. Im not about to spend my life waiting in the bushes to take pictures out of revenge.

2. I won't "win" anything. He'll possibly take a reduction in rank and pay, but everything else will remain the same.

3. I wanted too long to burn him. I contacted my supervision once we were already working on divorce papers. I should have burned him day 1.

 

We have shared custody - her 70% me 30%. If I have more custody it just means that the kids will have to go to some daycare while I work and I dont want that. As far I have been told and understand, Alaska isnt going to require her to keep the kids in state.

[towardtheend]

I've also wondered why I don't have bad feelings towards my wife (ex). I wish I felt poorly about her or towards her. It'd make things easy. I would expect most people to hate someone who had done the things to them that have been done to me, but I don't have any hate towards her.

Contrary to what she's done I still think she's an amazing person, beautiful, and I still love her. I'm not sure what that says about me lol.

I dated and slept with other women since the decision towards divorce hoping it would speed things along towards healing. I've found that dating helps momentarily but I eventually compare them to my wife (ex) and they all fall short. I've given up dating for now as its obvious that I'm not near ready for that.

[Satu]

I've also wondered why I don't have bad feelings towards my wife (ex). I wish I felt poorly about her or towards her. It'd make things easy. I would expect most people to hate someone who had done the things to them that have been done to me, but *I don't have any hate towards her.

Contrary to what she's done I still think she's an amazing person, beautiful, and I still love her. I'm not sure what that says about me lol.

**I dated and slept with other women since the decision towards divorce hoping it would speed things along towards healing. I've found that dating helps momentarily but I eventually compare them to my wife (ex) and they all fall short. I've given up dating for now as its obvious that I'm not near ready for that.

 

*Hate is never a positive. Its always a negative.

 

**I'm glad that you realised this is a bad idea. It will not help you one bit, and its unfair to the other person.

 

Just concentrate on taking good care of yourself, both physically and emotionally.

 

Thats all you need to get on your healing journey.

 

 

Take care.

[Angelica21]

I found this info on the Internet about Alaska custody law. FIND A GOOD ATTORNEY you are not helpless is Alaska, you have parental rights!!!

 

"How do I go about getting custody, and what papers do I need to file?"

 

If there is a dispute about who should have custody of the children, or how to handle each parent's time with the children, you will need to file for custody. The Family Law Self Help Center provides instructions and forms on how to request a custody order. Until there is a Court order saying otherwise, both parents are presumed to have equal rights to their children. This means that neither parent can prevent the other parent from seeing their children, regardless of the status of the parents' relationship with one another.

 

After filing for custody, the other parent will be given a chance to answer and let the judge know what custody order they want. The judge will then schedule a trial, and ultimately make a decision after considering what is in the best interests of the children at issue. If one or both parents have a history of domestic violence, the Court applies additional rules meant to protect the children against the violence.

 

"What if I want to move out of state?" (i.e. what if your wife wants to move out of state)

 

As soon as a custody complaint is filed, the Court will issue a standing order prohibiting either parent from removing the child from Alaska without permission from the Court or the other parent.

 

If you would like to move out of state with your children, you will need to get the other parent's consent, or file a Motion with the Court, requesting permission to relocate with the children.

 

It is important that you do not simply leave state with the children - even on vacation - while there is a case pending. Doing so could be considered custodial interference, which is a crime of domestic violence in Alaska. You could face criminal prosecution, or lose custody of your children.