Boyfriends ex

[brookie94]

This is a long one so if you actually read all of this, thank you!

 

Okay, so this guy, we'll call him Jake, and I have been dating for 10 months now. Before we began dating we talked and got to know each other. During this time he told me he was just recently getting out of a 6-month relationship that he had been trying to get out of for a long time. He had broken up with her 4-5 times but she always guilted him back into the relationship. He didn't want to even be in the relationship from the start and said no multiple times but then felt guilty and started dating her. We began dating and after about a week he went back to his hometown, where she was. He said he just wanted to meet up and talk with her so there weren't any bad feelings.

 

On Saturday when he did that she guilted him again and convinced him to break up with me and stay with her because he had known him longer. When he told me this I was, of course, upset so I went out drinking and my drink was spiked and I think we know what happens from there. When I woke up the next morning, Sunday, I texted Jake apologizing for sleeping with someone else so soon. Since I lost my virginity to Jake I felt completely awful for sleeping with someone else so soon.

 

He woke up that same Sunday morning and said he wanted to talk to me when he gets back to campus. When he got back to campus we talked and he told me he slept with his ex because I slept with another guy and he was hurting. He said he woke up that morning feeling awful and wishing that leaving me and going back to her was just a nightmare. He was going to go talk to her and tell her he really couldn't be with her. So he met up and talked with her and she brought up having sex and because he saw that I had slept with someone else he slept with her. He said he didn't even enjoy it at all and even told her afterwards it was a mistake. When I told him that I believed my drink was spiked since I was really unable to move or speak he wanted to kill the dude and felt even worse for sleeping with her. I decided to give him another chance because mistakes happen.

 

Well, he still continued talking to her and when I asked why he said because he's nice and doesn't want to be mean since they were friends. I said okay and internalized it and this went on for a couple of weeks.

 

One day I saw one of their conversations, I know I shouldn't have, and I saw that all of their conversations were about stuff that happened in the past and her bringing up the past and things they did and stuff like that. Well, that pissed me off so I confronted him and told him that she was most likely doing that because she wanted him to come back to her and by saying those things it was preventing him from moving on and focusing on our relationship. Once I told him this he agreed and said he didn't realize that's what she was doing and he'd end it and tell her they couldn't talk anymore. I still caught him talking to her, he was just trying to hide it.

 

I finally said enough is enough and told him it was either me or her. If he talked to her again I would be gone. So that ended that and he stopped talking to her. For a couple months after that, he would tell me that he thought about her if I wasn't around. That was about 8 months ago and now he says his mind is completely free of her.

 

Well, now mine isn't. I constantly feel like she was better for him and was better, sexually and non sexually. He said with the sex he had to force himself to finish because she just kinda laid there, they only ever did 2 positions, she always made him feel bad afterward, and he never felt good afterward. Not going into detail, but he says our sex is 100% better than there's because we do multiple positions and he feels great afterward.

 

Despite him telling me how much happier I make him, because she was 2 years younger and he was embarrassed to even be seen with her, I still feel bad. There is a lot more to this story like how none of his friends liked her, she has no friends now because everyone realized what a bitch she is, how I have trust issues from other guys in my past, but this is honestly the short version. But does anybody have any advice for me on how to stop obsessing over her now that he isn't. I have thought before that maybe its because I was used to her always being a problem that maybe now because she isnt with him I'm just creating problems in my head.

Edited July 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[hellischrome]

If I were you I would be concerned mainly about having had sex with someone after my drink was spiked. Have you seen the doctor/reported this to the police or someone at the campus?

 

About the ex, the whole situation made you feel uncomfortable and now you're both paying for it: you obsess with her and he is with someone who doesn't really trust him. It takes a lot of work to get over this stuff, ask yourself if it's worthy.

 

You were the rebound girl, deal with this fact first.

[Redhead14]

This is a long one so if you actually read all of this, thank you!

[]

But does anybody have any advice for me on how to stop obsessing over her now that he isn't. I have thought before that maybe its because I was used to her always being a problem that maybe now because she isnt with him I'm just creating problems in my head.

 

He didn't want to even be in the relationship from the start and said no multiple times but then felt guilty and started dating her. - The man is immature and unable to deal with situations in a healthy effective way. I don't think you should be worrying about the ex as much as his behavior.

 

If I were you, I might be wondering if he's doing the same thing with you . . . the best indicator of future behavior is recent past behavior. On top of that, a person who is fresh out of a relationship and gets into a new relationship quickly, hasn't processed the previous break up fully and so would have a difficult time becoming fully invested in a new one and/or if the jump into a new relationship quickly it's because they can't be or don't want to be alone.

 

And, the fact is, that since he is so indecisive and easily manipulated, he may go back to her because he feels guilted, etc. If that was his pattern in that relationship, it's not likely to change now.

 

There is entirely too much drama here. Let it go.

Edited July 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
condensed long quote of original post ~6

[preraph]

I loved someone who is easily manipulated by women. All they have to do is flatter him and he will believe anything they say. It's a serious problem because he hangs onto the worst of them because they are who validate his manhood the most and he feels obligated to them. He's married for decades now and one still keeps after him and his wife told me he gave her money. I mean, some men AND women just get into bad habits that bind BAD people to them. Manipulative people. I thought surely this guy I know would wake up after his user caused so much chaos in his life at work and at home, and was shocked when his wife told me it's still going on 25 years later.

 

So I'm just cautioning you that he will likely always be able to be manipulated by someone and that will probably always create friction between you. He has no insight and he is a man and he LOVES the attention and validation from her. No matter what he does (taking another girlfriend and leaving her), she still hangs in there and "needs" him and strokes his ego and makes him feel guilty and mean if she doesn't get her way.

 

It's not the guy I'd want to spend my baby-making years with, and you're young and can find someone else. I say go to it.

[brookie94]

If I were you I would be concerned mainly about having had sex with someone after my drink was spiked. Have you seen the doctor/reported this to the police or someone at the campus?

 

About the ex, the whole situation made you feel uncomfortable and now you're both paying for it: you obsess with her and he is with someone who doesn't really trust him. It takes a lot of work to get over this stuff, ask yourself if it's worthy.

 

You were the rebound girl, deal with this fact first.

No, I did not report the spiking afterwards it but I was checked for STD's and it all came back okay. And it isn't that I don't trust him because I do. I know he wouldn't go back to her, cheat, or anything of that sort. She has not been a problem for him for the past 4 months or so.

 

I know before that weekend that he left me for her and then came back to me, I was the rebound girl, I've accepted that. I know I no longer am because we've been together 10 months now, so that'd be a long rebound. I also know I no longer am for statements that will later be made about his actions.

 

The problem is that I can not stop thinking about the past and what happened. I believe it's because I was used to her being a problem all the time and now she's actually not and I'm just creating problems in my head. And she's the only one who has ever done this to him. She was just able to manipulate him at the time because he was scared to detach himself from that town and she was the last thing to let go. He also would feel bad because she would cry and say things like, "Well you've known me longer" "You've only known her for a couple weeks" things of that sort.

 

I know he wouldn't go back to her no matter what because he now understands how she actually is and hates her for the part she played in hurting me and our relationship. And I am positive he isn't doing the same thing to me that he did with her. I have met all his friends and family and stayed the night at his house multiple times this summer and I'm going on vacation with his family for a week.

 

This next part will sound silly but I have an issue with people promising and not meaning it or living up to it so anytime him or I want to make that something is true we ask each other to say we promise. It's a little thing that could easily be lied about but he knows why I have the issue and he will not promise if he's lying about something. He's promised me multiple times that he actually see's a future with me, that he's not just saying that to please me, and that us being together does feel different than when he was with her.

 

I can also tell he means those things by the things he does for me, how much he's tried to make up for those first months, and by his actions. Actions being how he cries/ tears up every time we leave each other for the two weeks we spend apart after seeing each other for a few days since its the summer time and other small actions.

 

The problem honestly is just me and my inability to forget and move on from the past since she's no longer even in his life or is an issue.

Edited July 6, 2016 by brookie94