Recent Trouble with a long distance relationship.

[loveisthequestion]

I have recently faced a problem and he really needs some suggestions. Can you guys please help me with your opinions?

 

 

Background: We are in a long-distance relationship (we are both males and gay). We agree to be exclusive to each other (not meeting anyone else outside and deleted gay apps). I am a busy 24-year-old medical student living in Hong Kong. My 22-year-old boyfriend is a Japanese-Philippine Mix (Father: Japanese; Mother: Philippines), stays and works mainly in Japan and stays in Philippine for vacation at the end of year for 2-3 months. He has been helping his family business by working with his father. His father is the CEO of the company and now still actively working.

 

He originally planned 2 months ago to visit me in Hong Kong this coming December to see each other in person for the first time during Christmas. Originally, he plans to go to Philippines as usual in December for vacation for 2 months. During this time he will go to Hong Kong to visit me for 4 days.

 

But recently he says he needs to cancel the trip to Hong Kong, because he is buying a new land in Philippines and claims this is for his father (his father is almost 80, my boyfriend thinks he needs to build a retirement home for his father. but his family already has a beautiful resort house in Philippines.) So he is saying he would come next year 2017 December to meet me. But I think that his trip to Hong Kong only takes 4 days, so this will not be a problem to land buying. Please see the following for his reasoning and my thoughts:

 

My boyfriend's reasons for not going to Hong Kong:

1. he spent too much money in his previous stay in Philippines last year; he thinks he can’t buy the land and go to Hong Kong at the same time.

2. he needs to buy a new land for his father and he wants to dedicate his time fully to construction and design of the land.

 

My thoughts:

1. To his point 1 – he's from a rich family. Going to Hong Kong doesn’t cost much money to him (<9000HKD), as his family often buys expensive stuff for themselves, like expensive bags and so on. So money should not be a problem.

 

2. To his point 2 – I think he can do both at the same time. Afterall it’s just a 4-day trip to Hong Kong, which should not be affecting his plan for his father.

 

Last night we had a discussion on why he could not come.

He says initially it was a money problem. But later as I say it’s not, because trip to Hong Kong is not expensive to him. He then says he needs to focus on one thing at a time; he can’t visit Hong Kong while doing the land buying and contruction. He says I don’t understand and makes him choose between me and his father.

 

I insisted on doing both tasks at the same time should not be difficult for him; I thinks it’s just a matter of whether he really wants the relationship or not. He says he wants to be with me for his future, but making the land for his father is also important. So I was asking for the reason why he could not do both; as trip to Hong Kong should be just a leisure trip, which should not affect his land project. But he couldn’t answer why on this point.

 

I asked him if he has met some guy outside that makes him want to stay with the new guy for the coming Christmas. He denied it and says No.

 

Finally, he says it’s my problem – he thinks I can’t be patient and wait and do a long-distance relationship. He says I just want somebody close and should find someone else if that is the case. After saying this he was crying on the video call with me. I was really helpless.

 

I really loves him but now am not sure if he really can’t make it because he just can’t do both tasks at the same time or he has found someone out there to stay with in Christmas, making me just a back-up lover. There is no one I can talk to about this. Can you please share your suggestions on this?

[VeveCakes]

Have you ever met?

[loveisthequestion]

Have you ever met?

 

We knew each other on a social app. And we started from there and want to commit to each other starting from 7 months ago. We kept texting and video calling every few days a week. And we had quality talking throughout the 7 months. I really think he is the one for me; he also thinks we are going to the right direction. But to your question, we haven't still met in person face to face. Because he lives in Japan and I live in Hong Kong.

 

So he was very happy to arrange the trip and even wrote it on his twitter about the plan. But recently he is afraid to cancel it after talking about his mother about this.

 

My problem is I will surely compromise (ie. see him next Dec) if his reasons are sound. But at this moment, I just don't see it why he can't do both (visit me and buy land). I am really confused and stressed. I really hope people here kindly give me suggestions.

[Els]

So... you haven't met in person. My guess is that he's trying to chicken out of the meeting for one reason or another. It's possible that he isn't who he says he is (maybe he has a wife or another male lover), or it's possible that he just wasn't intending this to be serious, or... well, lots of other possibilities. But frankly if he's not chomping at the bit to have your very first meeting ASAP, it really doesn't bode well for either of you.

 

Do NOT wait til next Dec. That is just waaaaaaayyyy too long to be in a LDR with someone whom you have never even met before.

[loveisthequestion]

So... you haven't met in person. My guess is that he's trying to chicken out of the meeting for one reason or another. It's possible that he isn't who he says he is (maybe he has a wife or another male lover), or it's possible that he just wasn't intending this to be serious, or... well, lots of other possibilities. But frankly if he's not chomping at the bit to have your very first meeting ASAP, it really doesn't bode well for either of you.

 

Do NOT wait til next Dec. That is just waaaaaaayyyy too long to be in a LDR with someone whom you have never even met before.

 

Thanks for your comments. i am still thinking about it. Since there are not many guys who I like and are really serious about relationship (yes this is the first one ever I met who is gay AND committed; quite many just look for hook-ups), I myself am a very committed person so I cherish him very much.

 

By the way, is there any sign you can tell for someone to cheat in a long-distance relationship? Although I think he is not the cheating type (he shows me his chat history and phone call history when I suspected, which he didn't mind, and willing to dedicate his time for calling me every week, which of course i know doesn't necessarily mean there is no cheating), there have been occasional times (about once a month) where he just doesn't have his phone around him for whole half a day and i couldn't contact him.

[loveisthequestion]

By the way, he did book the flight tickets and showed me the receipt 2 months ago and booked the hotel in Hong Kong online.

[ExpatInItaly]

By the way, he did book the flight tickets and showed me the receipt 2 months ago and booked the hotel in Hong Kong online.

 

So...he's already paid for the trip. I assume he purchased cancellation insurance as well? Otherwise, he is going to lose more money by canceling.

 

To answer your question, there really isn't a foolproof way to tell if he's cheating. He's too far away and you have never met. How much of his life have you been able to verify as true? Him showing you his chat and call history isn't proof of anything, really.

 

I agree with Elswyth that waiting until December is far too long when you have never even met in person. I have a suspicion he's going to continue making excuses.

[VeveCakes]

You can't possibly know if he is committed if you haven't met him. You have no idea who he is.

 

I strongly suggest you forget this fantasy relationship and try and find someone who you can connect with on a face to face in person level. You are wasting your life over someone you don't even know.

[loveisthequestion]

So...he's already paid for the trip. I assume he purchased cancellation insurance as well? Otherwise, he is going to lose more money by canceling.

 

To answer your question, there really isn't a foolproof way to tell if he's cheating. He's too far away and you have never met. How much of his life have you been able to verify as true? Him showing you his chat and call history isn't proof of anything, really.

 

I agree with Elswyth that waiting until December is far too long when you have never even met in person. I have a suspicion he's going to continue making excuses.

 

Thank you so much for the reply. It's funny how he called me last night and said he decided he will come to visit according to original plans. I asked if this is real. He said it's like 80% sure. While I should be happy, I am also puzzled as to why he changes his mind. This leaves me feeling a bit unease. What do you think about his action?

[Els]

Thank you so much for the reply. It's funny how he called me last night and said he decided he will come to visit according to original plans. I asked if this is real. He said it's like 80% sure. While I should be happy, I am also puzzled as to why he changes his mind. This leaves me feeling a bit unease. What do you think about his action?

 

If he wants to come, I think you should just go ahead and meet him in a public place and see how things go. If he cancels at the last minute, break up with him IMO.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you so much for the reply. It's funny how he called me last night and said he decided he will come to visit according to original plans. I asked if this is real. He said it's like 80% sure. While I should be happy, I am also puzzled as to why he changes his mind. This leaves me feeling a bit unease. What do you think about his action?

 

Did you ask him?

 

I wouldn't get invested any further unless and until you actually meet in person. It is very difficult to verify if what he's told you about himself is true, given how far apart you are.

 

Personally? I think this man is not single and the only time he can feasibly take a holiday without raising suspicion from his actual partner is Christmas, when he can claim to be visiting a friend or family member abroad to observe the holiday. It makes absolutely zero sense that he would need to wait until Christmas 2017 to see you. There's a lot more to his personal situation than he's telling you, I'm sure of it.

[loveisthequestion]

Well there is reason to why he can't visit me in other times other than Christmas. Because we are both not out of the closet yet. Our family has restrictions on us and doubt why we would need to travel to other foreign countries alone. They would either come along or ask us to stay. That's why I understand if he can only come to visit me in December (the time when he is back to Philippines (his homeland), while his parents are still in Japan); same for me - I can't visit him for the time being as my parents have all the financial control on me in terms of education - what if they disown me because i pursue my love that they think is inappropriate. I can only visit him after I finish my study and have a job with income. But I am personally a very committed person.

 

Also, I know that he's not active on social networking websites such as Facebook. Different from a lot of gay men I knew, he is clean on these personal networking websites, without adding any gay men outside.

 

Despite these merits I see on him, what makes me puzzled is the way he changed his mind on coming to visit me at first (cancelling the trip), but later on, on the other day, says he will visit me as originally planned.

 

And now he says he doesn't want to talk about the land buying issue anymore. He says he just wants to be with me in December.

 

As we have been in a LDR for 7 months already, i notice our texting becomes less and less recently. However, he still sends me good morning and good night texts and maybe 3-4 replies throughout the day before saying goodnight again every day. I don't know if he is acting uninterested or distant. I asked him about it and he says he is not losing interests; it's just that he doesn't like texting all the time the whole day. Well looking back at the initial phase of our relationship, we were texting a lot and he would often take the initiative to initiate conversations with me, which is not common nowadays.

 

Did you ask him?

 

I wouldn't get invested any further unless and until you actually meet in person. It is very difficult to verify if what he's told you about himself is true, given how far apart you are.

 

Personally? I think this man is not single and the only time he can feasibly take a holiday without raising suspicion from his actual partner is Christmas, when he can claim to be visiting a friend or family member abroad to observe the holiday. It makes absolutely zero sense that he would need to wait until Christmas 2017 to see you. There's a lot more to his personal situation than he's telling you, I'm sure of it.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I fear you are being taken advantage of. He suddenly doesn't want to talk about buying land - why? It sounds to me like that was an excuse. There's another reason he was going to back out but he doesn't want to tell you what that is. In any case, waiting until December 2016 or 2017 is a long time to be holding out for a person you've never met.

 

Also, please don't assume he isn't active on any social media. It's so easy to create profiles under pseudonyms or nicknames that you would never be able to find unless you knew what name he uses. I'm not saying that he is definitely doing so, but you have to be more realistic about the possibility that you don't know everything about him either. There's no way you could.

 

The bottom line is that you are putting an awful lot of energy into this and getting attached to someone you don't know in real life. That isn't wise. If you sense he is getting distant, you are probably right. Most people want a partner who can be in their presence and spend time with, going on dates, sharing physical intimacy. These online friendships simply don't meed the needs of most people, who crave an in-person connection.

[ExpatInItaly]

Oops, double post

[loveisthequestion]

Oops, double post

 

Thanks for your suggestions. But strangely, we are getting closer these few days after he said he will visit me as planned. We were having cold days after he said he needed to cancel it; but then after he decided again he would come, we were initially cold at first, but gradually improving in these few days. He seems to enjoy longer chats with me and have meaningful chats just like our initial phase of relationship. Personally I don't understand this. But I am happy things seem to be getting back to track for the time being.

 

Update: I video called him 2 nights ago and asked what would he do in the coming December if he cancelled the trip. He said he would just stay in Japan and do his work as usual. To me it sounds illogical, since the reason why he was cancelling the trip was for buying the land for his father; for which he should be in the Philippines preparing the land for construction and so forth. But he said he would stay in Japan instead if the trip were cancelled. I find this strange. Would you recommend that I should bring this up again maybe a bit later on to investigate the reason behind cancelling the trip? As we are having a better and happier time now, I don't wanna ruin the atmosphere between him and me. What's your advice? Thank you so much in advance.

Edited July 9, 2016 by loveisthequestion

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for your suggestions. But strangely, we are getting closer these few days after he said he will visit me as planned. We were having cold days after he said he needed to cancel it; but then after he decided again he would come, we were initially cold at first, but gradually improving in these few days. He seems to enjoy longer chats with me and have meaningful chats just like our initial phase of relationship. Personally I don't understand this. But I am happy things seem to be getting back to track for the time being.

 

Update: I video called him 2 nights ago and asked what would he do in the coming December if he cancelled the trip. He said he would just stay in Japan and do his work as usual. To me it sounds illogical, since the reason why he was cancelling the trip was for buying the land for his father; for which he should be in the Philippines preparing the land for construction and so forth. But he said he would stay in Japan instead if the trip were cancelled. I find this strange. Would you recommend that I should bring this up again maybe a bit later on to investigate the reason behind cancelling the trip? As we are having a better and happier time now, I don't wanna ruin the atmosphere between him and me. What's your advice? Thank you so much in advance.

 

This doesn't make any sense.

 

He would be losing money if he cancels the trip. He might be able to get a partial refund, but I highly doubt he'd get a full one. And for what? To stay home?

 

OP, you need to stop being so passive and afraid to speak up. Something doesn't add up about this man.