Jealousy is a turn off...but what if it wasn't Jealousy?

[trippi1432]

Backstory, start at post #56 if interested: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/569935-old-men-over-40-never-married-no-kids-2.html

 

The guy I was exclusive with and dating broke up back in early May. Six weeks NC, he reaches out and contacts me the day before I am to leave on a vacation to the UK and Dublin. Simple text about his garden that I helped him with, texted him back the next day and just told him glad the garden was doing well, going on my holiday.

 

I messed up and texted him when I got back about the holiday and being in the EU when the referendum passed. He likes politics so it was an interesting convo for 10 minutes, he got the job he was hoping to get....great, then he turned it to the issue that broke us up...the "crazy woman who sent him the unsolicited pic that he handled by ignoring her" (his words).

 

Basically, she continued for days....why wouldn't she? He didn't "handle it"...he ignored it. It wasn't until after we broke up that he told her SHE helped to ruin something for HIM. According to him, she apologized and then suggested that they get together...he then told her to F'off (so he says); however, I reminded him that he told me to F'off first for not trusting him to do the right thing. He simply does not get that the door that was left open was his ignoring her and not telling her that he was in an exclusive relationship. In the 3 months we dated, I respected our exclusive relationship and had several men inquire in which I informed them that I was happy and in a relationship......simple.

 

He still maintains that he handled things the way HE saw fit, obviously it didn't suit me, but the end result was the same. I agreed and it wasn't worth rehashing, he taught me a valuable lesson about respecting relationships, take what you can get and leave the rest. He told me good luck with that as he wanted something "special and exclusive". I responded that he had that and he threw it back that I did too. I told him that I knew that which is why I didn't have to think about that when other people tried to interlope on what we had. In the end, did I miss him, yes, did I care for him...yes, did he respect that .........NO.

 

A couple of days later, a text of his prize from his garden, tonight I sent prizes from my Mom's garden...she is the green thumb Queen. He finally said that FWIW, he does miss me. I told him I missed him too and wished things had worked out differently. He admitted that didn't handle things the way I wanted, but the bottom line was that he was interested in me, not her and I had nothing to worry about. I admitted that I have a hard time trusting a man that can't be straight forward with other women when they are with me. He reassured me that I had nothing to worry about...........but, jealousy was a turnoff to him. Confidence is very sexy. I wasn't jealous..........he obviously doesn't get me. Confidence is walking away from someone who doesn't respect you or the relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

He's very manipulative.

 

More likely scenario here is the other woman isn't interested anymore so he's knocking on your door again to see if you're still an option.

 

Just forget about him.

Edited July 5, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[trippi1432]

He's very manipulative.

 

More likely scenario here is the other woman isn't interested anymore so he's knocking on your door again to see if you're still an option.

 

Just forget about him.

 

That's a very good point Expat, that crossed my mind as well.

 

For a moment, I almost thought he was getting it.....well, until:

 

"You had nothing to worry about. Jealousy is a turnoff to me. Confidence is very sexy."

 

I've learned he has a very good MO to shift the blame and just lacks in emotional intelligence. Two traits I am not looking for in a relationship.

[trippi1432]

Thought it was done...I mean he told me to f'off and he was done 2 months ago, he broke it off with me...........but he's the victim because I took his advice?? Honestly, no victims in this...just one who is glad to walk away from something that was great in the beginning, but not so great 3 months later.

 

Him: I don't like to end conversations with you on a sour note. I'm sorry you didn't approve of the way I handled things but I need to feel trusted. Also know that I wanted you and no one else which is why I didn't take her seriously. Have a good night and I wish you all the best.

 

Trust.....I admitted that trust is hard for me to him...but I don't get a lot of boob pics or penis pics for that matter. I did go on the dating site we met on after he told me to f'off and didn't speak to me for four days and asked him if this woman was from the dating site. He was more active as a non-subscribing member as he was an active one as he had fun opening the emails from the site and wondering why those girls they marketed weren't available when he was a member.

 

I was accused of stalking him, having an active account (which I didn't but could see his activity because we were connected on the site under free accounts, hadn't checked it in a month actually)....basically gave him an "out"....Maybe she saw you were active and thought you were available?? He was done....that's what I understood.

 

Me: You still don't get it....

 

Him: I guess I don't. Never mind then.

 

Me: When you can put yourself in my shoes and gain some understanding outside of your own perspective, you might finally understand it wasn't about jealousy. It was about mutual respect. Morally, in your shoes I would have respected you and us....which I have. As much as you have the need to feel trusted, I have the need to feel respected.

 

Him: Fine. Done. You got the last word. You are right. I am wrong. Delete me please.

 

Me: It's not about the last word....when you find the right woman and are ready for a mutually respectful relationship, there is no right or wrong. Just acceptance and mutual respect. Good luck.

 

Ok, I got in the last word...had to be said. He's 49, never married and no kids. Not a great relationship with his family but is established, good job, house, hobbies..etc. I have a good relationship with my family, house, good job etc....but I can't get past this blaming everyone else and not taking accountability.

 

It was never about jealousy.......it was about being respected and heard. My confidence is sexy...and only a manipulator would try to kill what he liked about a woman in the first place.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you'll never be able to convince him to see it from your perspective. Just as he'll never be able to convince you to see it from his point of view.

 

Arguing with him is futile. He wasn't invested, and you found that out. Chances are he's still talking to other women too.

 

Follow his suggestion and delete him. He's not worth getting agitated over.

[road]

He's very manipulative.

 

More likely scenario here is the other woman isn't interested anymore so he's knocking on your door again to see if you're still an option.

 

Just forget about him.

 

 

This is why he was dumped and must stay dumped.

[trippi1432]

Thanks all, I think I am more astounded than anything else. He's definitely deleted and dumped. Now I know why he told me in the beginning that women have told him he's not the right guy for them.

 

I'm not even sure why he has tried to convince me three times that I had nothing to worry about....I guess he wanted me to crawl back to him? Umm, that's not happening.

 

NEXT!!

[Miss Peach]

I agree with the others. He deserves what he got. IMO he's checking to see if the door is still open or whether you're 'mad' at him. If it had been he probably would have angled for a redo on lesser terms.