Four Years On & I'm Still Devastated

[Buddhist]

Over 4yrs ago I broke up with my then fiance. I'e not bothered to tell the story because I've read it 100 times on here in other people's stories and I've done all the answer seeking, anger, denial and all the rest of it. But there's a part of this I haven't bothered to tell even to myself. So here it goes.

 

Fiance - best relationship I ever had, loved him to pieces blah, blah, blah. Not much going wrong in the relationship except the odd minor argument here and there. We get engaged on his insistence, then he starts behaving like someone I've ever met. I broke up with him, 2 months later he posts a pic of his newborn child on FB.

 

I spent 6 months crying on my bedroom floor, then eventually became emotionally dead, went through the grief cycle multiple times. Promised myself I would never enter another relationship again and would instead find my own happiness alone.

 

Last year I met some guy I felt attraction to, it seemed mutual and not days after this I end up with Panic Disorder that eventually spiralled into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have been dealing with that ever since, recently had to resign from my job because of it. I am now more or less housebound, except little excursions to the supermarket, my daily walk and until recently a little treat at the local cafe

 

Encountering that person just opened a wound that never healed basically. I have spent everyday of the past year having physical symptoms pretty similar to life threatening conditions. I've spent more time hooked up to ECG machines than I've had hot dinners. I feel as if I may collapse and die at any moment. When I'm not feeling that I am wailing like a banshee over some pain I can't even pinpoint. The pain is so intense it feels like an elephant on my chest, or like someone has just impaled me on a pike. Crying does not resolve it, it does not make me feel better. It makes me feel worse. I don't think I would feel this bad even if both my pets died on the same day. I have no idea why it has to hurt this much.

 

I simply cannot move on from this and that's why I'm posting this. Not because I need advice, but because I think if I don't actually verbalise it it will never leave me.

[Magicmountain]

Buddhist, I think if you look at the last paragraph of your post, you may notice something---you use a lot of hyperbole. It's all bundled tightly together.

 

The grandiosity of your pain and just how immeasurable and indefinable it is does just the opposite---it defines it.

 

Recognize that. Recognize that the more you see your pain for what it truly is, without exaggeration, the sooner you will move past it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Buddhist, I'm so very sorry to hear this. You often give such sage advice to the posters here, and also to me personally. I don't think any of us could have imagined the pain you are in.

 

At the risk of sounding intrusive, what was it about this person that opened those old wounds? Are you able to identify where and when and how this pain resurfaced?

[Els]

I'm sorry, Buddhist. Panic disorders are a fhucking beeyotch.

 

Are you getting help for it? Honestly, there is no shame in taking antianxiety meds if you are prescribed them. They have helped countless people pick themselves back up off the floor, because anxiety can be such a vicious cycle (constant panic attacks, unable to function, lose job/friends/other things you love, get more anxious, rinse and repeat). Breaking the cycle is essential.

 

Good luck.

[stillafool]

((((((HUGS!!!!!))))), Oh Buddist, I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

[bummer]

At the risk of losing your respect, here is at least a dollar of my thoughts.

 

I think it's impressive your daily regimine includes yoga, meditation and exercise. I think your exploration of physical boundaries and hobbies is admirable. You eat well and admit you're in the best shape of your life as long as you stick to your routine.

 

I think there is 100% truth to the notion of encountering a person from a past life today. I am a scientist and engineer with a strong BS meter and before my ex thought fortune tellers, spirit science, spiritualism in general, and other alternative forms of healing were the rotting waste of an untrained mind. I have changed my mind. I know my ex is a harsh lesson from my past lives. I think it's crazy, but I physically manifest emotions and her physical state by focusing hard enough on her. It's as if a tunnel has been bored through our hearts together and it is painful. I think my lesson has been learned and I have severed the connection now. I hope your time with the new guy and the onset of PTSD has shown you that you should not be with him and should take the lessons and move forward in another direction.

 

Your ego: i think our journey to ourselves can be one of pain and suffering. This may be your life's path. I think you still have to learn and embrace on a greater plane of consciousness the loss of yourself and your ego. Your motorcycle mishap, and other bouts of anger and loathing highlighted with hyperbole and talk in absolutes is your conscious mind still dominating your life.

 

You want the pain because the pain defines you. It's a burning blanket you won't throw off. I don't know all the info on your ex from 4 years ago but that he had a child without your awareness two months after breaking up sounds ludicrous. Do you think you attract and are attracted to drama and unstable partners?

 

Redouble your practice. Not with an end goal of healing the pain, nor end in the PTSD, nor finding nirvana or enlightenment. Redouble your practice for yourself as a practice and discipline towards nothing in particular.

 

Remove triggers and association. I believe dramatic life altering change will be beneficial. If you wish to focus on external factors and cannot squash your ego, give it a new home. Leave where you are. Move away and start fresh. Detach from everything you have and run away and stay away.

 

I cannot fathom 10% of your life or traumas. I commend your advice here and your desire to solve your own problems. I agree cbt and pharmacological tools can be bandaids on gunshot wounds. I think you're right more than you're wrong. So do what you know is right for you. You have 100% of the power and tools to rid yourself of your pain and manage your ego. Good luck for the next four years.

[keiji]

I'm sorry, Buddhist. Panic disorders are a fhucking beeyotch.

 

Are you getting help for it? Honestly, there is no shame in taking antianxiety meds if you are prescribed them. They have helped countless people pick themselves back up off the floor, because anxiety can be such a vicious cycle (constant panic attacks, unable to function, lose job/friends/other things you love, get more anxious, rinse and repeat). Breaking the cycle is essential.

 

Good luck.

 

I totally agree with this advice. I've gone through something similar before and the only way for me to cut the vicious cycle was to see a therapist and take medication for a few months. There's nothing wrong with it. We all want to heal completely, quickly and on our own, but sometimes it's just impossible. You went through a traumatic experience, and these leave wounds you need to heal whatever it takes. If you can't keep the pain at bay, look for external help.

[Buddhist]

I totally agree with this advice. I've gone through something similar before and the only way for me to cut the vicious cycle was to see a therapist and take medication for a few months. There's nothing wrong with it. We all want to heal completely, quickly and on our own, but sometimes it's just impossible. You went through a traumatic experience, and these leave wounds you need to heal whatever it takes. If you can't keep the pain at bay, look for external help.

 

I already did all of that in the beginning, on medication for over 6 months without result, seeing a therapist without result. Hence the reason I came off them.

 

Nice to see everyone here just thinks I'm exaggerating and making stuff up. :roll eyes: Thanks for the judgement people. Sorry I posted....jeez.

[keiji]

I already did all of that in the beginning, on medication for over 6 months without result, seeing a therapist without result. Hence the reason I came off them.

 

Nice to see everyone here just thinks I'm exaggerating and making stuff up. :roll eyes: Thanks for the judgement people. Sorry I posted....jeez.

 

I never said such a thing (that's exactly why I was telling you to try meds) and I don't think the previous poster meant that either.

 

As to medication and therapists, not all of them work for every one. I've tried three different psychologists in the last five years and it seems that the latest one is the right one. Perhaps you've reached a point where you can't keep fighting on your own. As I said before, there's nothing wrong with that.

[bummer]

Nice to see everyone here just thinks I'm exaggerating and making stuff up. :roll eyes: Thanks for the judgement people. Sorry I posted....jeez.

 

let it go...

[jen1447]

As far as the ex thing goes, that's actually a thing that can happen when you swear off relationships or ppl in general - you end up permanently living inside the grief of the demise of that failed relationship rather than the proverbial 'moving on.' The BF was like that before I came along.

[Toodaloo]

Buddhist.

 

I had an ex that I had a full blown nervous break down over. Hairs width from being sectioned... you name it. I understand your pain. It is horrible.

 

After about 11-12 years I plucked up the courage to go and see him and speak to him to find out WTF happened. How the heck did we go from being deliriously in love to nothing in the space of hours...

 

I stood, I listened and I went home and cried all over again. Because I realised that the man I thought I loved didn't exist and actually he was bit of a twat. More than just bit of a twat he was the ultimate in twatidom. This time instead of crying for the loss of him. I cried for the wasted time I spent punishing myself and thinking that I was a terrible awful person and unworthy. After that final cry I felt so much better and since I have been myself again for the first time in well over a decade.

 

All those years where like you I had been on various drugs, therapy etc none of which worked and all it took was to open my eyes and see the truth.

 

Really weird but my Mum also worshipped that bloke and was part of my torture because I felt as though I had also let my family down. Shorty after I started healing her attitude changed and instead of telling me not to be so silly and to get on with it, that he was a lovely bloke every time I had to see him or be in the same place as him she started claiming he was a vile bloke and phew wasn't that a close shave. She has nothing good to say about him at all these days... I remember the first time she did it. We were at a planning meeting and he was there. After we were walking back and she apologised for asking me to go with her as she didn't think he would be there... she talked about how odious he is and how vile... Now she is convinced that she has always hated him since we split up...

 

My whole point is. Give your self time. Whats the saying?

 

There is no greater present like the present.

 

Chin up chook. You are stubborn and you have gumption. It may take time but you will get there. I have faith. have a little faith in yourself too.

[Silver_star]

I don't think you are exaggerating your pain or making it up.

I hear a lot of hurt/anger/sadness and desperation in your post. I have been there too, and I have slowly come back to myself with a renewed sense of self and hope for my future.

 

 

I know that emotional pain is the same if not worse than physical pain, and it causes physical pain too. It makes you unwell.

 

 

I hear that you are expressing your physical symptoms and your attempted treatment of those physical symptoms, but are you doing anything to deal with the hurt and betrayal deep down? Other than exercise/yoga/meditation? Because it seems you are trapped in your own thoughts, and obsessing, cycling over the details again and again. It's torture. I know about this. Talking about it will eventually help you look at things with a new perspective.

 

 

Have you sought out a therapist to talk to? Perhaps one that specializes in grief and that might help you let go of this person from your life and move on to other things that fulfill you and don't make you unwell.

 

 

From an outsiders view the man you chose to be with back then had some pretty big secrets he was hiding from you: cheating, a child, a relationship with another that he was willing to leave you for. He was not a brave or courageous man in the way he chose to handle your heart.

 

 

That kind of person does not deserve to hold your trust, or your heart. From an outsiders view it seems you might have been saved from some grief of this immature man in the future. He now has a child that is 4 years old, and there is no turning back the clock on what happened now. It's over. We don't always get what we want, but sometimes what we want is not what we are meant to have or need in our lives.

I know my "outsiders" perspective wont change how you feel now, but eventually you will come to see this, and there is no magic time set, it happens when you allow it to happen. Truly.

 

 

Simple truthful notions can be helpful too....the fact that the world keeps turning each day regardless of who you may be with romantically is a truth that helped me to keep putting one foot in front of the other each day and just do my best. Not every day is going to be a good one, but eventually you can find yourself again. There is a you without him.

[Buddhist]

let it go...

 

Unfortunately this is one of the ****ty things about life and society. As long as other people are doing just fine they will tell people who aren't that they are being dramatic, attention seeking or whatever. When all that person is really doing is just trying to understand their own experience.

 

Yes I made the mistake of posting on here and exposing myself to the judgements of others. I don't need to stand here and just allow others to do that, I've allowed it for far too long in my life.

[Buddhist]

The thing is, I don't want this man back, I see him as he is. There's not been a single day when I've wished that things were different. Which is why I am so confused as to why I've developed the nervous conditions I have out of it. It makes no sense to me.

 

The source of my pain isn't that he's gone. I've accepted that but why my life has fallen apart 4yrs later. I'm not with the person who I met last year either, so doubly confused as to why I had to meet him and get in this state in the first place? It all seems as if random things have happened and there is no reason for them. And if there is no reason for them then where is my way out? What is there to learn except that life is haphazard and indiscriminate?

 

Ego death? Meh you can keep it as far as I'm concerned. Every person on the planet has one why should I be the one exception to that rule? It's not as if I'm training to be the Dalai Lama or anything. I'm just a normal person trying to live a normal life. Sure others may not like mine, but I'm not too jazzed on everyone else's either so I fail to see why I should be singled out as being especially bad or wrong.

 

I just want answers so that I can get things back on track. There are bills to pay, about another 40yrs to live and I don't fancy living them cooped up in a tiny apartment. All that I am seeking is the ability to take care of myself. Sure love sucks and I've thrown it out the window as a result, what else is there to do with that?

[Sunkissedpatio]

I never said such a thing (that's exactly why I was telling you to try meds) and I don't think the previous poster meant that either.

.

 

She quoted you but I believe that was in reference to magicmountain's post.

 

Buddhist you've been so incredibly insightful and understanding and always offer such balanced caring words. Ever since I've come on to this site you have been a pleasure to interact with, one could only wish everyone would be so caring and tactful when they see the suffering of those they pick to offer advise to. Unfortunately, there are a handful of people on here that should not be offering advise because they lack the social tact needed to do so and I find a lot of assumptions are made that are more projections of those individuals than reflections of our truths.

 

Having said that, your pain is so palpable. I'm coming to understand that suffering deception is unlike any other pain I've experienced before so I can see why the cut is so deep for you and can definitely relate. It's too early on my journey to offer you any words of advise from my own discoveries but in the little eureka moments I have experienced in therapy I do know that if you had no chance to explore questions, if you found out about his child two months after the split, not sure how much of it you carried inside. But the fact you are posting about it now leads me to believe you suppressed a lot of questions and thoughts you may have had and even might have thought you explored everything in therapy but maybe there is a lot you suppressed. PTSD manifests from suppressed trauma.

 

Maybe the therapist you saw back then wasn't exactly right for you? It's in my current therapy that I realize how much better my current therapist is vs my last three years ago.

 

I hope you keep posting and don't let the ridiculous comments discourage you.

Edited July 5, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Buddhist]

As far as the ex thing goes, that's actually a thing that can happen when you swear off relationships or ppl in general - you end up permanently living inside the grief of the demise of that failed relationship rather than the proverbial 'moving on.' The BF was like that before I came along.

 

Okay, this is useful and helpful. Thank you. This is not the first time I've experienced severe disappointment at the hands of people. I've been checked out of society my whole life. When your own mother encourages you to hang out with known pedophiles as a child, you become somewhat suspicious of the sanity and intentions of those two legged creatures that roam the planet. She was my first lesson in how vile human's can be. Biological too.

 

There is nothing about that woman that says she cared for anything except using her children as something to throw under a bus. I hate that I share chromosomes with her. I feel tainted by that DNA.

Edited July 5, 2016 by Buddhist

[thefooloftheyear]

Just a thought.....

 

If you are the type of person that feels like they can control things in your life(not in a negative sense, btw), then these things become especially hard to deal with...You can't control people or their actions, so that is what is giving you the anxiety...Like you said, its not the person...And I believe you...its that you had a situation that no matter what you did....you couldn't control it in the end...

 

I wish you all the best in your journey...I think I can relate on some level to your plight...

 

TFY

[Buddhist]

At the risk of sounding intrusive, what was it about this person that opened those old wounds? Are you able to identify where and when and how this pain resurfaced?

 

That's what I'm still trying to figure out. He doesn't look anything like that person, he's not even my usual type which confused the hell out of me because I would not ordinarily be attracted to that. Nor would that kind of person be attracted to me either. He's very much the adonis, tall, powerful built up body, everything I would never date given the choice. But there he was and my body went bat-**** crazy as a result. I'm still not entirely certain I'm attracted to him, he's like this oppressive force that won't go away.

[Toodaloo]

Buddhist.

 

You will think I am mad but you are kinda going through everything I did... I think you are just going through the process of healing and trying to figure it all out.

 

You may realise and know some things but your mind and body still have to accept them. Once that happens its like a weight off of your shoulders I can tell you and instead of all those weird feelings you have now you can look yourself in the mirror and laugh at yourself with real joy because you remember how to like yourself and enjoy being yourself again...

[jen1447]

Okay, this is useful and helpful. Thank you. This is not the first time I've experienced severe disappointment at the hands of people. I've been checked out of society my whole life. When your own mother encourages you to hang out with known pedophiles as a child, you become somewhat suspicious of the sanity and intentions of those two legged creatures that roam the planet. She was my first lesson in how vile human's can be. Biological too.

 

There is nothing about that woman that says she cared for anything except using her children as something to throw under a bus. I hate that I share chromosomes with her. I feel tainted by that DNA.

 

Doesn't seem like much of a stretch then to see how you'd find meaningful relationships and/or interactions w/ppl stressful when you have a profound personal history of being violated in meaningful relationships.

 

I don't have much in the way of solutions to offer, since opting out tends to be ineffective due to having to live among ppl anyway. (It's like saying you won't participate in the rat race anymore while being firmly stuck in traffic.) I assume you won't go live w/the bears in Alaska or anything like that.

 

btw, BF's isolation was due to a relationship disaster but over time it stopped being about her specifically and instead it was just the thing itself, so I think it's entirely possible to get over someone and still be addled by the experience.

[Buddhist]

My only truth is this....

 

I hate what I am. There hasn't been a single day in my life that I've truly wanted to live. And I still do not.

 

I did a 10 week journey in trying to integrate some of this **** from my life and it's brought me exactly to the same understanding I had before. That I just don't want to live. Never have, and I can't invent any reason that's strong enough to make me want to engage with life. I just don't want to be here. Why is my life consumed with overcoming the crap other people have inflicted on me? Why is there is no joy in it at any stage? Just heartbreak, after heartbreak?

 

FYI - that's NOT a suicide threat or intention. It's just the way I've felt about life since forever. And there aren't any reasons to really be here for it.

Edited July 5, 2016 by Buddhist

[bummer]

I came back from my morning walk, it's winter here, the sky is a deep blue, sun is shining and all I could think about it how much I treasure the ability to feel the wind on my face.

 

More moments like this?

[Satu]

As Carl Jung said, "Always resolving, never resolved."

 

On first glance, that saying sounds discouraging, but if you understand it, it isn't.

 

Your journey is your destination. Your healing will take up every second of the rest of your life, and may never feel complete, but you will carry on trying to heal. You actually don't have a choice, because the part of you that wants to heal, won't be silenced. Not for long, anyway.

 

Sometimes you feel like there has been no healing at all, but in your better moments, you know that some healing has taken place.

 

 

Enjoy the sunshine that comes between the showers.

 

 

Take care.

[sooshi]

Hugs and love to you, Buddhist. <3