Four Years On & I'm Still Devastated

[Els]

I already did all of that in the beginning, on medication for over 6 months without result, seeing a therapist without result. Hence the reason I came off them.

 

There are multiple medications and some people have to try a few to find one that suits them. Ditto with therapists. Don't you think you gave up a bit too fast on that? It might be worth trying it again, what do you have to lose?

[Toodaloo]

My only truth is this....

 

I hate what I am. There hasn't been a single day in my life that I've truly wanted to live. And I still do not.

 

I did a 10 week journey in trying to integrate some of this **** from my life and it's brought me exactly to the same understanding I had before. That I just don't want to live. Never have, and I can't invent any reason that's strong enough to make me want to engage with life. I just don't want to be here. Why is my life consumed with overcoming the crap other people have inflicted on me? Why is there is no joy in it at any stage? Just heartbreak, after heartbreak?

 

FYI - that's NOT a suicide threat or intention. It's just the way I've felt about life since forever. And there aren't any reasons to really be here for it.

 

Well honey this actually makes things easier when you think about it.

 

Who do you want to be and what do you want your life to look at. I have a very philanthropic nature. So I went out and found charities that I could work for in my spare time and make a difference.

 

The other thing I changed is that I used to take a lot of crap from people. A heck of a lot. Once I cut those people from my life it actually got much easier and simpler. Gradually better people gravitated towards me and I kept them close.

 

Work I knew the sort of environment I do well in and I now have that in both jobs. Yes I still get crap as everyone does at work but my bosses are great. They are supportive in their own ways and I love what I do even if I will never be rich.

 

Instead of concentrating on the negative take a look at positive changes you can make and do not be afraid to make them. It is difficult. Making the decision to cut off my fathers family as much as I could was really hard but now a few years on I am much happier, calmer, more confident and secure in myself.

 

Sounds to me as though you need some sort of purpose to life. You need to do something that makes a change to feel better about yourself... Just ruminating here.

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

I I have changed my mind. I know my ex is a harsh lesson from my past lives. I think it's crazy, but I physically manifest emotions and her physical state by focusing hard enough on her. It's as if a tunnel has been bored through our hearts together and it is painful. I think my lesson has been learned and I have severed the connection now. I hope your time with the new guy and the onset of PTSD has shown you that you should not be with him and should take the lessons and move forward in another direction.

 

 

 

This really caught my attention. Would you mind explaining what you mean by this please?

[Redhead14]

Over 4yrs ago I broke up with my then fiance. I'e not bothered to tell the story because I've read it 100 times on here in other people's stories and I've done all the answer seeking, anger, denial and all the rest of it. But there's a part of this I haven't bothered to tell even to myself. So here it goes.

 

Fiance - best relationship I ever had, loved him to pieces blah, blah, blah. Not much going wrong in the relationship except the odd minor argument here and there. We get engaged on his insistence, then he starts behaving like someone I've ever met. I broke up with him, 2 months later he posts a pic of his newborn child on FB.

 

I spent 6 months crying on my bedroom floor, then eventually became emotionally dead, went through the grief cycle multiple times. Promised myself I would never enter another relationship again and would instead find my own happiness alone.

 

Last year I met some guy I felt attraction to, it seemed mutual and not days after this I end up with Panic Disorder that eventually spiralled into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have been dealing with that ever since, recently had to resign from my job because of it. I am now more or less housebound, except little excursions to the supermarket, my daily walk and until recently a little treat at the local cafe

 

Encountering that person just opened a wound that never healed basically. I have spent everyday of the past year having physical symptoms pretty similar to life threatening conditions. I've spent more time hooked up to ECG machines than I've had hot dinners. I feel as if I may collapse and die at any moment. When I'm not feeling that I am wailing like a banshee over some pain I can't even pinpoint. The pain is so intense it feels like an elephant on my chest, or like someone has just impaled me on a pike. Crying does not resolve it, it does not make me feel better. It makes me feel worse. I don't think I would feel this bad even if both my pets died on the same day. I have no idea why it has to hurt this much.

 

I simply cannot move on from this and that's why I'm posting this. Not because I need advice, but because I think if I don't actually verbalise it it will never leave me.

 

Buddhist, it is very important to verbalize these emotions. I would recommend journaling. Get yourself a journal book and start writing everyday. After so much time, recovery at this point is now just plain about being resolved to taking your life back. Dig very deep and pull out the strength you have and get resolved about leaving all this in the past. I know it's extremely difficult, but it's time for you to find yourself again. Get pissed and angry for having 4 years of your emotional life to a man who simply was not a good person for you or perhaps anyone. He's the one who is broken, not you.

 

Each day, find just one thing to accomplish. I mean, anything. If your closets are a mess, clean them out. As much as you think you are emotionally dead, there is a ton of anxiety, anger, fear/emotional energy that has been pushed down but still there bubbling in the background. You need to find positive ways to release it all. Trust me, you have it in you to pull yourself together. Be good to yourself.

[Buddhist]

There are multiple medications and some people have to try a few to find one that suits them. Ditto with therapists. Don't you think you gave up a bit too fast on that? It might be worth trying it again, what do you have to lose?

 

No I don't. In fact I consider I spent too much time fiddling about with medications. Doping myself out of my emotional state is not the answer as far as I'm concerned. I will take medication when the situation makes it necessary, emotional states do not come under that necessary banner for me. Medication becomes a crutch for many people who then go on to live medicated lives for years on end. I am not ending up there.

 

What have I got to lose? Well if I read the side effects of these medications....a kidney for a starters. Don't know about you, but I'm unaware of where I can easily replace my internal organs should they fail. That's just the start of the three page list of possible side effects. No thanks.

 

Glad it worked for you, but I have a choice and I do not choose to turn to pharmaceuticals to solve emotional issues. I am not broken, sick or ill. My body works perfectly fine as confirmed to me by every medical test under the sun. So I'm not going to start pumping foreign chemicals into a perfectly healthy body because I have a mental habit of fixating on fears. Because that's what anxiety is, a mental habit. Sure enough the brain is very good at translating that habit into unwanted symptoms in my body, but they are not harmful, merely uncomfortable. I have this strange idea that things like this happen in life to teach us something about ourselves. I don't think my lesson is to crack open a box of pills. There is something here I need to know, integrate and grow from. I am dedicated to that journey.

Edited July 6, 2016 by Buddhist

[Redhead14]

No I don't. In fact I consider I spent too much time fiddling about with medications. Doping myself out of my emotional state is not the answer as far as I'm concerned. I will take medication when the situation makes it necessary, emotional states do not come under that necessary banner for me. Medication becomes a crutch for many people who then go on to live medicated lives for years on end. I am not ending up there.

 

What have I got to lose? Well if I read the side effects of these medications....a kidney for a starters. Don't know about you, but I'm unaware of where I can easily replace my internal organs should they fail. That's just the start of the three page list of possible side effects. No thanks.

 

Glad it worked for you, but I have a choice and I do not choose to turn to pharmaceuticals to solve emotional issues. I am not broken, sick or ill. My body works perfectly fine as confirmed to me by every medical test under the sun. So I'm not going to start pumping foreign chemicals into a perfectly healthy body because I have a mental habit of fixating on fears. Because that's what anxiety is, a mental habit. Sure enough the brain is very good at translating that habit into unwanted symptoms in my body, but they are not harmful, merely uncomfortable. I have this strange idea that things like this happen in life to teach us something about ourselves. I don't think my lesson is to crack open a box of pills. There is something here I need to know, integrate and grow from. I am dedicated to that journey.

 

You are absolutely and unequivocably correct about not medicating. You do not have a disorder of any kind. Medicating and clouding the feelings and thoughts that need to be dealt with will certainly inhibit progress.

 

Some people who struggle with intense emotion are basically, emotionally lazy. They don't let themselves feel what needs to be felt and processed in order to move forward. Because they mute or push aside emotions, they get bigger and scarier and so they keep the away one way or another. It is important to allow yourself to feel everything you're feeling in a "controlled/safe" environment. And, to do it a little bit at a time, like a tea kettle releasing steam so it doesn't boil over.

 

You have the right mindset now. Stick with it.

[Buddhist]

I don't mean to dismiss anyone who found medication helpful, for some people it is a path to healing. It's just not the path I'm choosing.

 

I've started the Linden Method now which has a very high success rate and is endorsed by the psychology profession. The first thing you have to do is stop acting like a sick person, reinforced by things like seeking diagnosis, medications, therapists who constantly tell you, you are sick with anxiety. It was a breath of fresh air to come across this because it confirms what I suspected. I am not mentally ill, I have an untrained brain with neural pathways that lead to anxiety symptoms. That's what I have.

 

Unlike therapists who are happy to keep you anxious for years on end because it fuels their business, Linden Method will refund you if they fail to cure you. Not a bad promise. And I have nothing to lose by giving it a go.

[Buddhist]

I'm kind of seeing the lighter side to all of this, this morning. I had a panic attack in a cafe the other day doing what? I'll tell you what. Looking up Mr Met Last Years social media account. Just a picture of the guy gives me an adrenalin rush.... I had another one this morning after realising that I'm **** scared to be in a relationship again but I want to go there. Bang! Heart rate hits over 120 bps instantly. So scared in fact I almost collapse just thinking about it.

 

You know what, it's actually easier for me to manifest a fake illness than it is to ever be vulnerable with another person. In a dark humoured kind of way it's kind of funny.

[Aniela]

 

Some people who struggle with intense emotion are basically, emotionally lazy. They don't let themselves feel what needs to be felt and processed in order to move forward. Because they mute or push aside emotions, they get bigger and scarier and so they keep the away one way or another. It is important to allow yourself to feel everything you're feeling in a "controlled/safe" environment. And, to do it a little bit at a time, like a tea kettle releasing steam so it doesn't boil over.

 

I think that Buddhist should do what's right for her, but I think the above assumption about others, is unfair. I've dealt with anxiety, depression, and suicidal feelings, and there are times when I've wished that I'd just got a prescription for something to help, because my life has been severely affected by it all. Those pills can help people to deal with things in a controlled state, you know?

[Sunkissedpatio]

Eeek "medications are for the emotionally lazy?" and you "don't have a disorder?" yikes! Those are quite the statements to make.

 

Medications are very effective at treating changes in brain chemistry caused by trauma, that is a proven fact. And you don't need to have a "disorder" to need an equalizer of a medication that will balance you out. I suffer from anxiety, overthinking etc. and tension headaches I tried something a few years back for the headaches that accidentally was also very effective for my anxiety and I had no issue coming off of it.

 

Just started again slightly higher dosage and it is working well for me. And no, I do not walk around in a haze feeling nothing about life, the complete opposite, I have more energy, the black cloud of oppressive thoughts has lifted and my anxiety is at bay. Combined with therapy, in a low dose, works for me and I feel absolutely no stigma about it.

 

Read some of my posts if you think I am not feeling or incapable of expressing emotions

 

You read a lot of horror stories online about SSRI's etc. all I can say to that is - no one comes to LS to boast about how great their love life is, we usually end up in places like this in a transitional cross-roads state. If we were to gauge romance based on all the horror stories we read on here only we would never get back on the proverbial horse. So people typically don't go online in search of forums were they can boast about how great their meds are. The important thing is to research, heed all information and make an educated decision and listen to your body that is the best way determine what you are willing to explore.

 

Just sayin'...

 

Buddhist the fact that you said you are walking around feeling detached most of the time combined with your childhood trauma from your mother (sad to read that by the way) could very well indicate you need that little bit of extra help. It's a very personal choice, I am not pushing in the least but I was going to say something when I read that. I'm glad you found a system and are willing to give it a try.

[Els]

No I don't. In fact I consider I spent too much time fiddling about with medications. Doping myself out of my emotional state is not the answer as far as I'm concerned. I will take medication when the situation makes it necessary, emotional states do not come under that necessary banner for me. Medication becomes a crutch for many people who then go on to live medicated lives for years on end. I am not ending up there.

 

What have I got to lose? Well if I read the side effects of these medications....a kidney for a starters. Don't know about you, but I'm unaware of where I can easily replace my internal organs should they fail. That's just the start of the three page list of possible side effects. No thanks.

 

Glad it worked for you, but I have a choice and I do not choose to turn to pharmaceuticals to solve emotional issues. I am not broken, sick or ill. My body works perfectly fine as confirmed to me by every medical test under the sun. So I'm not going to start pumping foreign chemicals into a perfectly healthy body because I have a mental habit of fixating on fears. Because that's what anxiety is, a mental habit. Sure enough the brain is very good at translating that habit into unwanted symptoms in my body, but they are not harmful, merely uncomfortable. I have this strange idea that things like this happen in life to teach us something about ourselves. I don't think my lesson is to crack open a box of pills. There is something here I need to know, integrate and grow from. I am dedicated to that journey.

 

Look. If you have other alternatives for dealing with your anxiety that you are actually USING and that are WORKING for you, then that's great! Go for it! But the entirety of your opening post was about how terrible life is, how you have been barely functional for 4 years (no job, almost completely housebound, severe heart-related symptoms every day for a year), and nothing ever works for you etc etc. In that case you do need medication and you do need therapy. FYI, the risk of the average otherwise healthy person losing a kidney to antidepressants is lower than the risk of dying in a car crash. It is extremely rare and almost never happens. Do you avoid the road as well? (If you do, even more reason to seek help)

 

But, like I said, if you have other alternatives that are working for you then that's fine. Not sure why you would make such a miserable opening post about how nothing ever works for you, snap at half of the people who are genuinely trying to help you, and pooh-pooh suggestions of professional help, and then pretend that you have everything under control and we're the ones being asshats for trying to help you.

 

I'm done trying to commiserate with you. Have fun.

Edited July 7, 2016 by Elswyth

[Buddhist]

Look. If you have other alternatives for dealing with your anxiety that you are actually USING and that are WORKING for you, then that's great! Go for it! But the entirety of your opening post was about how terrible life is, how you have been barely functional for 4 years (no job, almost completely housebound, severe heart-related symptoms every day for a year), and nothing ever works for you etc etc. In that case you do need medication and you do need therapy. FYI, the risk of the average otherwise healthy person losing a kidney to antidepressants is lower than the risk of dying in a car crash. It is extremely rare and almost never happens. Do you avoid the road as well? (If you do, even more reason to seek help)

 

To be fair, I did write in my OP that I wasn't seeking advice, I was verbalising something in order to get it off my chest. It is my choice not to take medication, whether or not you personally think that is the right choice is kind of beside the point. I haven't been barely functional for 4yrs. I left my job only months ago, after two attempts to rehabilitate with the professional help you think I so badly need. Clearly that help was of marginal assistance and I am now exploring other options. One of which is professional help as mentioned in a prior post.

 

It wasn't my intention to snap at you, but to explain my position on medication so people can stop pushing it onto me. There wasn't anything in my OP that said.....help please tell me what to do. In fact I was pretty explicit with what that post was about. It was a vent post so I can finally acknowledge that I am hurt by my past breakup instead of stuffing it all inside and pretending everything [about that situation] is okay. I wasn't expecting replies. There is catharsis in finally being able to admit something publicly.

 

My post was miserable, but that's kind of why it's in the breakup thread, which isn't full of happy stories, it's where it belongs. With all the other miserable stories. I rather naively imagined that I didn't need to censor my in the moment feelings when venting, in order to avoid some kind of backlash.

Edited July 7, 2016 by Buddhist

[Els]

To be fair, I did write in my OP that I wasn't seeking advice, I was verbalising something in order to get it off my chest. It is my choice not to take medication, whether or not you personally think that is the right choice is kind of beside the point. I haven't been barely functional for 4yrs. I left my job only 2 months ago, my anxiety did escalate after that which is to be expected with that kind of thing. I left my job after two attempts to rehabilitate with the professional help you think I so badly need. Clearly that help was of marginal assistance and I am now exploring other options.

 

It wasn't my intention to snap at you, but to explain my position on medication so people can stop pushing it onto me. There wasn't anything in my OP that said.....help please tell me what to do. In fact I was pretty explicit with what that post was about. It was a vent post so I can finally acknowledge that I am hurt by my past breakup instead of stuffing it all inside and pretending everything [about that situation] is okay.

 

So sorry you thought my post was miserable, but that's kind of why it's in the breakup thread, that forum isn't full of happy stories, it's where it belongs. With all the other miserable stories.

I rather naively imagined that I didn't need to censor my in the moment feelings when venting in order to make the forum a happy place for others.

 

I wasn't annoyed at your post being miserable. In my first post to you, I specifically said that I understood. I was annoyed at your responses towards some of the people who were trying to help. People are spending their time, going out of their way to try and help you. If you respond to them with barely-veiled hostility/defensiveness, soon nobody will be interested in trying.

 

Granted you have said that it's only a vent, but it's hard for people to watch someone destroy themselves and not say anything. You might not want advice, but we can't just sit by and watch that.

 

I'm not trying to push meds on you. They are only one option. A very valid one (despite some of the snarky comments by other posters about it), but nevertheless there are others. I will say, though, that you NEED to prioritize being able to get out of your house. You need to be able to get exercise and sunshine outside, you need to be able to work so that you won't spend the day ruminating about your BU, you need to be able to go out and talk to people so you have a support network. If you feel you can achieve that without meds then that is your prerogative. But it needs to be a priority, otherwise it will be a vicious cycle spiralling downwards.

[Buddhist]

 

I will say, though, that you NEED to prioritize being able to get out of your house. You need to be able to get exercise and sunshine outside, you need to be able to work so that you won't spend the day ruminating about your BU, you need to be able to go out and talk to people so you have a support network. If you feel you can achieve that without meds then that is your prerogative. But it needs to be a priority, otherwise it will be a vicious cycle spiralling downwards.

 

I am well aware of my needs and priorities. Trust me not a day goes by when I'm not thinking of them. My replies aren't intended to be veiled hostility, I have a too direct personal expression of which I am aware. A lot of what people react to in my posts isn't actually intended by me. I've spent my entire life having my feelings, opinions and thoughts invalidated by the people I grew up with. The internet is the one little place in the world I feel I can express them.

 

But what can I say, my expression sucks, more so in writing than in person. It's just the way it comes across. I try to sugar coat it often. Which will probably surprise everyone but still come very short of what's expected. If you had any idea how often I edit, re-read and edit my posts before hitting the submit button and then smack myself on the forehead after posting as well. You'd find it funny.

 

Just try being me in real life and you'll understand why I do not talk to other people unless necessary. As soon as I open my mouth I am bound to offend pretty much everyone in earshot. I don't like this about myself but I've spent years trying to correct it with limited success. I just have a super-abrasive expression.

Edited July 7, 2016 by Buddhist

[Els]

It's only your opinion that I'm destroying myself. Based on whatever I happen to spill forth out of my life onto an internet forum, which isn't the entirety of my day.

 

 

It isn't just an opinion when you say something like:

I end up with Panic Disorder that eventually spiralled into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have been dealing with that ever since, recently had to resign from my job because of it. I am now more or less housebound, except little excursions to the supermarket, my daily walk and until recently a little treat at the local cafe

 

Encountering that person just opened a wound that never healed basically. I have spent everyday of the past year having physical symptoms pretty similar to life threatening conditions. I've spent more time hooked up to ECG machines than I've had hot dinners. I feel as if I may collapse and die at any moment.

 

Either you're exaggerating and it isn't really that bad, or you're telling the truth and it really is that dire, in which case my statement stands.

 

Either way, I'm done here. No point trying to help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

[Buddhist]

Either way, I'm done here. No point trying to help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

 

Glad you're done. I am seeking help, from people qualified to give it. Just not seeking it from the good folks at LS, on this particular issue. That was clear in my original post. No exaggeration there either, that is fairly typical for someone with my condition. It doesn't constitute destroying myself, it constitutes an unwanted condition I am working towards resolving, and here's how I'm feeling about it right this minute.

 

As it happens, I'm done too. I'm done justifying my posts, the decisions I've made in life, and done putting myself through the scrutiny of random strangers. Thanks for the time spent here, some posts have been entertaining and fun. Cheerio.

Edited July 7, 2016 by Buddhist

[Hoosfoos]

Good luck in your journey. Apparently all pain is productive, and is a teacher, or so I'm told. But long term pain doesn't really feel like that, does it?

[DevotedBaker54]

I'm so sorry you are going though this! You must be physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. Panic attacks start in your mind, but they make you feel like you're dying. Good news is, no one has ever died from a panic attack (That's what my counselor told me when I used to have them).

 

I know you said you've tried talking to a therapist but have you tried talking to a different one? I'm a social work student, and I really advocate talking to someone. Are you a member of a church? That's usually a great place to get support from.

If you're not religious, maybe there is some sort of support group you could go to?

 

I would love to hear that you sought out therapy and can start working on some self-help strategies. I don't think your life will be like this forever! I believe you'll get past this. You're strong!! You can do this

 

I'm here if you need some support or someone to vent to

[hestheone66]

I wonder if Mr Last Year in some way (looks or even pheromones) resembles an abuser. You alluded to childhood sexual abuse. Your conscious brain may not recognize but your body retains those memories.

[lana-banana]

In late February 2016 you described a recent suicide attempt and implied you would try again. I don't know where you're at currently, but I have also assumed your situation was relatively dire and I think many others may have made the same assumption. Hopefully you found it helpful to articulate your pain and you're making meaningful strides in healing.

[sooshi]

Buddhist, I hope you'll come back. <3 <3 <3 Take good care. *hugs*

Edited July 13, 2016 by sooshi

[whatnot]

I'm kind of seeing the lighter side to all of this, this morning. I had a panic attack in a cafe the other day doing what? I'll tell you what. Looking up Mr Met Last Years social media account. Just a picture of the guy gives me an adrenalin rush.... I had another one this morning after realising that I'm **** scared to be in a relationship again but I want to go there. Bang! Heart rate hits over 120 bps instantly. So scared in fact I almost collapse just thinking about it.

 

You know what, it's actually easier for me to manifest a fake illness than it is to ever be vulnerable with another person. In a dark humoured kind of way it's kind of funny.

 

There's more of this going around than meets the eye.

 

Your self-awareness makes me smile.

 

Thank you for sharing a part of yourself Buddhist.