I unfriended and block emotional affair partner. Where do I go from here?

[MsHopeful0208201689]

These past few months have been an emotional roller coaster. I was doing well for about 2 months when I had no contact w/ him & then he eased his way back into my life (he was still apart of my social media accounts) and the "friendship" picked up where it left off.

 

He's hot and cold. I finally I sick and tired of it and decided I should delete and block him on Facebook (also blocked anyone close to him such as his wife, his friend, and left a group he was apart of) and block his text messages from coming to my cell. I am a very busy person BUT do have my times where I am idle.

 

It feels strange because this person has been apart of aspects of my life for almost 3 years now (mind you, he tried to mask the emotional affair as a "friendship" & was never the least bit interested in me being a real friend & meeting his wife or family). I think it was all a game and he enjoyed toying with my mind and emotions. I can take it anymore and want to be free.

 

I am coming here for support. Where do I go from here?

 

I enjoy going to a spot about once or twice a month that I know he'll be at & I am also a member at the same gym as him. Is it wise to avoid anywhere I'm bound to run into him at?

 

I keep questioning myself how I could be so naive to think me and him could ever just be friends.... I kept backsliding back into the emotional affair with him... I am college educated and wiser that than... I just don't understand my attachment to this man

Edited July 5, 2016 by MsHopeful0208201689

[NTV]

You could send a letter to his wife explaining yourself and apologizing?

 

 

Could you tell your husband? He might not want to hear it, but knowing that you thought it was just a friendship and then cut it off before doing anything physical etc. etc. might sound better now than later.

 

 

It might also take some of the emotional weight off.

[MsHopeful0208201689]

You could send a letter to his wife explaining yourself and apologizing?

 

 

Could you tell your husband? He might not want to hear it, but knowing that you thought it was just a friendship and then cut it off before doing anything physical etc. etc. might sound better now than later.

 

 

It might also take some of the emotional weight off.

 

I'm unmarried. I think saying anything to his wife would probably rock the boat due to I was a willing participant. It never turned physical, although there was many sexual innuendos and undertones throughout some of the conversation. And me thinking we could be friends was naive, because we always back down that slippery slope. I've blocked phone calls, texts, & his social media. I'm done. I've backslid too many times after thinking we could just be friends. I just want to move on with my life.

[NTV]

Okay, well being unmarried makes it easier for you, for sure. You're just dealing with the emotional toll of essentially a loss of a friend. And let me give you a big kudos for realizing it was crossing a boundary and stopping it! That's takes strength.

 

 

So my recommendations here change a little given this extra info:

 

 

Do you journal? If not, can you start? One of the things I would recommend looking at is what attracted to you to this guy? A lot of folks in your shoes get wrapped up in the emotion, but funny as it sounds, if you keep the no contact going those emotions die off pretty darn quickly. Like out of sight out of mind, almost. So, instead of thinking about how you feel about him think what you found attractive... and whether those qualities were truly warranted.

 

 

For example, was he a good listener? If so, is that an attractive quality to you? And if so, is that something you would want to gauge your next partner on before agreeing to a relationship? i.e. how valuable is that quality to you really? Would being a bad listener be a deal breaker?

 

 

Was he confident? Was it confidence or was it ego? what about that is attractive? If you found it super attractive--- Could you be potentially sucked into a relationship in the future with a partner that isn't good for you because you mistook ego for confidence?

 

 

Etc. Etc.

 

 

What you're doing with this is using this experience to drill down to the things you have learned about yourself.

 

 

Should you tell his wife? I quick something like 'Hi! I was friends with your husband, but developed feelings for him and discontinued the friendship. I know that sounds weird and probably ticks you off, and I don't want anything from you other than just to say how lucky you are and that I with you both the best." blah blah blah, etc. etc.

 

 

I am suggesting that tactic so that your no contact is better enforced from both ends in case you're weak one day--or in case he comes back strong and you find it hard to resist. Kinda like a dry alcoholic going to the liquor store with a flyer of themselves saying 'don't sell to me' and asking them to post it by the register. KWIM?

 

 

But really, both those suggestions are only extras. You already did the biggest thing, NC, and you did it before the relationship got physical or really serious, so again a big KUDOS. I think you're on the right track here.

[loveisanaction]

First of all the guy is an (insert your own expletive here) he wanted to introduce you to his wife? Gosh! Just when you think these men can't get any lower....and please do block and keep his wife off of your Facebook friend list.

 

Don't let him weasel his way back into your life. He has a wife, he is married. What does he want with you?

 

Honey, you are a single woman. There are thousands of good looking, single men out there. What do you want with someone else's husband anyway?

 

When you are 85 years old, sitting on your rocking chair, your hair's thinning, your teeth are being held by Poligrip, you're wrinkled, your muscles and bones don't work the way you want them to but your brain is still sharp. What would YOU want to remember about yourself? What would you wish you would have done differently? I'm sure it would be that you kicked a no-good, lying, cheating, married man out of your life.

 

Get yourself out there girl, look and feel the best you can and flirt with every single man who even bats his eye at you. Go out and show yourself that you do not need to feel loved by a man who is legally bound to another woman; you can get your own!

Edited July 5, 2016 by loveisanaction

[Friskyone4u]

Well, you are smart and know exactly what you need to do, and that is get this over with for good.

 

That may mean

(1) not going to this "spot" where you know you will see him

(2) changing gyms.

 

neither of the above can be as painful as where you were headed would probably wind up.

 

And quite honestly, this guy sounds like a true moron if he had suggested that the woman he was having an EA with meet his wife and kids. That borders on sicko.

 

You owe him no explanaions, but get this "friend: thing out of your head.

Ain't going to happen

[Satu]

Remove any and all reminders of him.

 

Delete every text and email, every photograph you might have, and any gifts he gave you. Anything at all that could remind you of him has to go.

 

For the moment, don't go to any places where you met up with him. You can reclaim those places later, when you've thoroughly detoxed from him.

 

 

Take care.

[ChickiePops]

I read that as the MM NOT wanting her to be a real friend or meet his wife and kids. OP could you please clarify?

[MsHopeful0208201689]

I read that as the MM NOT wanting her to be a real friend or meet his wife and kids. OP could you please clarify?

 

YOU got it right! Lol......

 

He NEVER suggested me meet his wife out of these 3 years & I've mentioned it several times. I was blew off the first couple times via text, the third time I suggested it I had just got a new boyfriend & he claimed to be cool with it (in which it never happened), and this last time he said ok but wouldn't speak to me for 2 days afterwards because he wanted to talk about our feelings for one another and I didn't feel comfortable expressing it (I was trying to do better and just be friends but we slipped back). He was visiting my house alone (we didn't sit close by one another but talked for hours).

 

He claims his wife KNOWS about me but I HIGHLY doubt it.

[MsHopeful0208201689]

I've tried cutting things off with him before but would end up right back conversing with him.... It's like an invisible magnet that I couldn't seem to break. He said before he likes to swim in the heads of his "friends". We've conversed about so many topics... From music, food, to sex.... He's invited me to different events (a couple of times over the years in which his wife was NEVER in attendance)... We have almost 3 years worth of history (NO SEX) but the emotional ties are strong, even if I go no contact for a couple months & we start back up, it seems to continue to be an emotional affair, not strictly platonic friendship....

 

He has said before that are souls are tied...

[NTV]

 

He has said before that are souls are tied...

 

 

Gimme a break! You tie the laces not the soles. That doesn't even make sense!

 

 

 

 

You think some flowery bullcrap poetics is gonna make your emotional connection immortal? Really?

 

 

If that's the case: then I love you more than the sky is blue and is more unique than the last flower on earth would be, I cherish you like no other has before or will again, and I know and understand you so well that I have a name for every beautiful and individual piece of you inside and out... that's how I know that we are perfect together. We must have been married in our past lives many times, and even if something unfortunately were to happen, I will be happy with the little piece of your time you have given me... and rest comfortably knowing that we will be together again in the next lives.

 

 

Not even Picasso could paint us in a way that would be more perfect than we are when we are together. Our love is unstoppable, you can see that right? We were meant to be together. I feel it in my heart and soul, don't you? Why else wouldn't we be so perfect together? You want this as much as I do, right? [insert charming smile/grin].

 

 

 

 

Sound somewhat familiar?

[Lobe]

He has said before that are souls are tied...

 

soulmate (n):

1. a term used by married people wanting to receive endless quantities of emotional kibbles from people they are not married to

2. a term used by affair partners to convince themselves they are powerless over the situation (see also: cognitive dissonance.)

[Satu]

Sorry to be blunt, but:

 

The idea of you and he being "friends," is ridiculous.

 

The idea of you being "Tied Souls," is even more ridiculous.

 

This is all about keeping you on the leash; keeping you under his influence.

 

He does that by making you believe that you have some kind of 'special connection.' You don't; its all brainwashing.

 

There's no middle ground to occupy.

 

The only two options are:

 

1. In contact.

 

or

 

2. No contact.

 

You are free to choose what you want to do, but please don't fall for any more of his brainwashing.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[ChickiePops]

I've tried cutting things off with him before but would end up right back conversing with him.... It's like an invisible magnet that I couldn't seem to break. He said before he likes to swim in the heads of his "friends". We've conversed about so many topics... From music, food, to sex.... He's invited me to different events (a couple of times over the years in which his wife was NEVER in attendance)... We have almost 3 years worth of history (NO SEX) but the emotional ties are strong, even if I go no contact for a couple months & we start back up, it seems to continue to be an emotional affair, not strictly platonic friendship....

 

He has said before that are souls are tied...

 

If your souls were tied why won't he leave his wife for you?

[MsHopeful0208201689]

Okay, well being unmarried makes it easier for you, for sure. You're just dealing with the emotional toll of essentially a loss of a friend. And let me give you a big kudos for realizing it was crossing a boundary and stopping it! That's takes strength.

 

 

So my recommendations here change a little given this extra info:

 

 

Do you journal? If not, can you start? One of the things I would recommend looking at is what attracted to you to this guy? A lot of folks in your shoes get wrapped up in the emotion, but funny as it sounds, if you keep the no contact going those emotions die off pretty darn quickly. Like out of sight out of mind, almost. So, instead of thinking about how you feel about him think what you found attractive... and whether those qualities were truly warranted.

 

 

For example, was he a good listener? If so, is that an attractive quality to you? And if so, is that something you would want to gauge your next partner on before agreeing to a relationship? i.e. how valuable is that quality to you really? Would being a bad listener be a deal breaker?

 

 

Was he confident? Was it confidence or was it ego? what about that is attractive? If you found it super attractive--- Could you be potentially sucked into a relationship in the future with a partner that isn't good for you because you mistook ego for confidence?

 

 

Etc. Etc.

 

 

What you're doing with this is using this experience to drill down to the things you have learned about yourself.

 

 

Should you tell his wife? I quick something like 'Hi! I was friends with your husband, but developed feelings for him and discontinued the friendship. I know that sounds weird and probably ticks you off, and I don't want anything from you other than just to say how lucky you are and that I with you both the best." blah blah blah, etc. etc.

 

 

I am suggesting that tactic so that your no contact is better enforced from both ends in case you're weak one day--or in case he comes back strong and you find it hard to resist. Kinda like a dry alcoholic going to the liquor store with a flyer of themselves saying 'don't sell to me' and asking them to post it by the register. KWIM?

 

 

But really, both those suggestions are only extras. You already did the biggest thing, NC, and you did it before the relationship got physical or really serious, so again a big KUDOS. I think you're on the right track here.

 

What attracted me to him was our conversation, our many common interests, the way he thought, and also the way he smelled. If I could turn back the hands of time I would have NEVER became friends with a MARRIED MAN w/o me knowing the wife. It also took him a few months to tell me of his marriage & I HAD TO ASK!

 

But you live & you learn...

 

I'm still young enough to do better and not have this experience ruin... I'm in my upper-mid 20's and he is in his EARLY 40s... About 14-15 years my senior

[MsHopeful0208201689]

If your souls were tied why won't he leave his wife for you?

 

Agreed. I'm starting to feel he was trying to groom me to get in my pants... But for 3 years is what made me think the friendship was genuine..

Edited July 5, 2016 by MsHopeful0208201689

[NTV]

What attracted me to him was our conversation, our many common interests, the way he thought, and also the way he smelled. If I could turn back the hands of time I would have NEVER became friends with a MARRIED MAN w/o me knowing the wife. It also took him a few months to tell me of his marriage & I HAD TO ASK!

 

But you live & you learn...

 

I'm still young enough to do better and not have this experience ruin... I'm in my upper-mid 20's and he is in his EARLY 40s... About 14-15 years my senior

 

That's true... and don't feel bad for not knowing certain things either... let's say you're 29 hypothetically... you think you could talk game around a 19-year-old dude to get him to do what you wanted? That's only a 10 year difference.... Same principle applies from him to you. He's been around the block enough to know what to say. That's a big piece of it, KWIM? But now you know, lol. That's probably why the tied souls thing had such a profound impact that you could remember the precise wording. Might make a fun game to play with your girls on a GNO at a bar...If you were just looking to have fun and kill time that is, lol.

 

 

Again, Kudos.

[13Hearts]

I think the emotional relationship (and bond) is more difficult to get over than the physical. Physical affairs make the emotional bond stronger though, so I'm glad you didn't make that mistake.

 

I'm NC from xMM also. It took me a long while to get him to go along with NC. I made the mistake of trying to talk to him about it for months (when I first tried it) but doing that was just as useless as trying to talk to him about my needs in a relationship. Men always ignore what I say I need and instead tell me what they think I want to hear (all the romantic BS like being soulmates and meant for eachother, or married in a former life, or whatever crap they can come up with off TV or something). They live in some non-reality or something.

 

And yes, they all want to be "friends" when they finally hear that you do not want to be involved with them, just to keep their foot in the door. I swear I'd like to shoot the person who invented marriage; why does anyone believe any man will be faithful and true to ONE woman?!?

 

Anyway, I digress. I'm with you, going through similar problem right now, struggling with emotional detachment. It's difficult and it hurts but it's the only way. You can't go around it; you have to go through it.

 

Avoid him at all cost. See if your gym has another location near by that you can go to at least temporarily, and spend the rest of this week researching a new favorite spot to frequent. Unless you want to get sucked back into the majorly dysfunctional world he calls his life.

[Satu]

The best thing is to just not believe anything they say.

 

The truth is like pottery clay for them; they just shape it to suit their purposes...

[Patrice]

Look at what let you settle for this. I have found that these people get into your life when you are vulnerable. And, we are all vulnerable from time to time. The next time, you have a life occurrence that is making you feel vulnerable, reach out here. They always seem to be waiting to find out what is going in your life - they have not earned the right to do so. Stick with those you trust, deal with issues in life as they come up. The vulnerable times pass, and it's at these times that we must be the most careful.

[Patrice]

Look at what let you settle for this. I have found that these people get into your life when you are vulnerable. And, we are all vulnerable from time to time. The next time, you have a life occurrence that is making you feel vulnerable, reach out here. They always seem to be waiting to find out what is going in your life - they have not earned the right to do so. Stick with those you trust, deal with issues in life as they come up. The vulnerable times pass, and it's at these times that we must be the most careful.

[Satu]

Look at what let you settle for this. I have found that these people get into your life when you are vulnerable. And, we are all vulnerable from time to time. The next time, you have a life occurrence that is making you feel vulnerable, reach out here. They always seem to be waiting to find out what is going in your life - they have not earned the right to do so. Stick with those you trust, deal with issues in life as they come up. The vulnerable times pass, and it's at these times that we must be the most careful.

 

Quite right.

 

These people are very good at 'hacking' people; always looking for something they can exploit, a way in, frailties, confusion.

 

Thankfully, we're able to learn.

[Patrice]

Satu, what makes people so twisted that they take pleasure in the weakness of others? Those aren't normal people.

[Satu]

Satu, what makes people so twisted that they take pleasure in the weakness of others? Those aren't normal people.

 

I think that they're just lacking in empathy and compassion, for some reason.

 

Most people are horrified if they realise they've hurt someone.

 

These people don't think about the effect they have on others; they just do what they want.

 

No conscience.

 

It's SO important to be able to spot these people.

[Patrice]

It is hard to do! They come off as very charming, with a good sob story. When you get to the other side of this and start exposing who they are? Expect the abusive side of these people to emerge, it always does.