OM situation

[13Hearts]

Your MARRIED girlfriend is TROUBLE.

 

Do NOT allow her to hit you again. You tell her if she hits you again, you will report it to the police and the next time she hits you, follow through with your boundaries and call the police.

 

It sounds to me like she has proven to you that SHE is the abusive one, regardless of what her apparently-also-violent husband does. She is also very controlling. I do not know why you are even considering staying in a relationship with a violent, controlling person. The news is filled with bad outcomes of relationships with violent, controlling people.

 

I think you would be wise to do as both your and her friends advise and that is to cut ties with her completely and start moving on with your life. You may have to do so slowly, as she sounds very unpredictable.

[oceansaway]

Whenever relationships start based on a affair...trust will always be a issue. Obviously each sees the capability of lies and cheating. Most of these relationships eventually fail due to trust issues.

[Ruffian1]

Coach

 

Who paid for the new car??

 

Her, you, or her H?

[13Hearts]

Your MARRIED girlfriend is TROUBLE.

 

Do NOT allow her to hit you again. You tell her if she hits you again, you will report it to the police and the next time she hits you, follow through with your boundaries and call the police.

 

It sounds to me like she has proven to you that SHE is the abusive one, regardless of what her apparently-also-violent husband does. She is also very controlling. I do not know why you are even considering staying in a relationship with a violent, controlling person. The news is filled with bad outcomes of relationships with violent, controlling people.

 

I think you would be wise to do as both your and her friends advise and that is to cut ties with her completely and start moving on with your life. You may have to do so slowly, as she sounds very unpredictable.

[sandylee1]

No suprise she's jealous as she knows you've cheated before. She's got you obeying her and her husband doing the rest. You know looks are not the be all and end all in life. So She's a looker and treats you like Crap.

 

Just telling you to suck it up. At that point you should have said it's over but you felt you were so lucky to have her avd dare not.

 

You got her name tattooed as well.......... some would say you're pu**y whipped right now.

 

Rrrruuuunnnnn from her mate.

[JAbba2gEther]

Hello, coach86. It seems you are struggling with a sticky situation at the moment, You probably believed this affair would solve some of the problems in your previous marriage, and yet it appears you are now meeting up with problems in your present relationship.

 

My current girlfriend and I have been together for about two years. Our relationship started about three years ago as an affair. We both were married and have been friends for the past eight years. About three years ago our friendship turned into an emotional affair and then about a year later into a physical affair with both of us leaving our spouses a year ago.

 

May I ask how you met your present girlfriend, and why you decided to take up an affair with her if you were happily married already. Was it opportunistic? Your reference to an 'emotional affair', I assume, means that you started talking to this girlfriend instead of talking with your wife? Did this mean you were finding it difficult to resolve the difficulties within your marriage at that time?

 

Children

 

Did you have children of your own from the first marriage? Just wondered as you haven't mentioned anything about your own children. How does the daughter of your girlfriend relate to you? Or has it been a case that your girlfriend does not want you to have involvement with her?

 

She also works part time for her husband running a restaurant he owns.

 

It seems like there are so many interests this husband and your girlfriend share. This must be ultimately cut off if an ongoing relationship is to occur. I am surprised that your girlfriend also does not want you to get involved in the process - by bringing you with her when she negotiates with her husband. The vested interests I see that your girlfriend will need to work out is - her financial dependence on her husband, the child they share together, and the income she gains from the restaurant job.

 

It also appears that your girlfriend is a very strong willed girl, and slightly possessive. Of course, this is always an issue when relationships begin on the basis of an elicit affair, and insecurity is often an issue due to the fact that the other partner does not know whether there will be fidelity in this potential marriage. If he/she did it once, they may do it again if they feel negative about a situation and reach out in another 'emotional affair' instead of dealing with the root causes. So, perhaps it is time for you to reach out to a male relationships counsellor to work through the potential minefields you are negotiating your ship around at the moment.

 

As her husband is also rich and powerful, there is the added insecurity of wondering whether you married her merely for the millions she stands to get at a divorce settlement. I think you need to let her decide what she will do as there are a lot at stake for her at the moment. More than for you. She stands to have to possibly deal with a new blended family. She may lose the comfort and security she had as a result of her husband's financial situation and his reputation. She stands to lose friends due to small-town gossip since she has a high profile as a result of her husband. She may have to uproot and leave town if she truly wants to cut off ties with her husband, and this means you and her may have to leave your job and move to another county. This means she may find it more difficult to see her 14 year old daughter, or else she may find a wrangle in court if her husband decides to contest. You never mentioned whether her daughter is living with you both at the moment?

 

I feel very hurt by her total disregard for my feelings.

 

You stated she buys you things. You state you had an 'emotional affair'. Did you enter this affair because she could meet your needs? Something your wife was not meeting? Yes, your girlfriend may have felt pity for herself and you, but you need to consider who will be most important in your future marriage, if that happens. You also know that her husband will be lurking in the background if she shares rights with her daughter and doesn't decide to cut ties off with him. Finally, if she disregards your thoughts now, this means she does not respect you and sees you as an object of pleasure to take her mind off her own problems. You probably entered into the affair for the same reason, so you can't blame her. However, she is demanding total loyalty to her from you; and not expecting you to place the same boundaries for her. This means that she wants to eat the cake and keep it too. Your relationship will become toxic if you don't make right and fair decisions now, given you placed all your eggs in the one basket. It looked like a great idea at the time due to the endorphins that come from an illicit affair, but it is time you objectively look at the situation you now face - because the endorphins will wear off in the near future.

 

See how it goes, and I hope you book an appointment to see a counsellor soon. Here is a link to a counsellor locator supplied by Focus on the Family - http://bit.ly/1HqvQv2.

 

Affairs are always messy, and this appears to become messier as it goes. But, we need to accept the consequences of our actions no matter what they are. All the best.

Edited July 6, 2016 by JAbba2gEther

[coach86]

May I ask how you met your present girlfriend, and why you decided to take up an affair with her if you were happily married already.

 

I met the AP when our daughters were five years old. She was the pee wee cheer coach for my daughter. The two girls were also in the same kindergarten class together. I was not happily married and had left my wife in the spring of 2011 but returned because of my daughter. I lived in a sexless marriage for most of the fifteen years we were married. there was also other issues.

 

Did you have children of your own from the first marriage? Just wondered as you haven't mentioned anything about your own children. How does the daughter of your girlfriend relate to you? Or has it been a case that your girlfriend does not want you to have involvement with her?

 

Yes I have one daughter and the AP's daughter are best friends. The AP's daughter lives with us and we get along great. She says this is one reason that she hasn't broken up already. My girlfriend does limit the contact I have with my own daughter but my ex-wife is very difficult to get along with.

 

It seems like there are so many interests this husband and your girlfriend share. This must be ultimately cut off if an ongoing relationship is to occur. I am surprised that your girlfriend also does not want you to get involved in the process - by bringing you with her when she negotiates with her husband. The vested interests I see that your girlfriend will need to work out is - her financial dependence on her husband, the child they share together, and the income she gains from the restaurant job.

 

My girlfriend has committed to only taking 200,000 from the marriage. Half the cost of the house they built together.

 

It also appears that your girlfriend is a very strong willed girl, and slightly possessive. Of course, this is always an issue when relationships begin on the basis of an elicit affair, and insecurity is often an issue due to the fact that the other partner does not know whether there will be fidelity in this potential marriage. If he/she did it once, they may do it again if they feel negative about a situation and reach out in another 'emotional affair' instead of dealing with the root causes. So, perhaps it is time for you to reach out to a male relationships counsellor to work through the potential minefields you are negotiating your ship around at the moment.

 

I have decided to seek counselling.

 

As her husband is also rich and powerful, there is the added insecurity of wondering whether you married her merely for the millions she stands to get at a divorce settlement. I think you need to let her decide what she will do as there are a lot at stake for her at the moment. More than for you. She stands to have to possibly deal with a new blended family. She may lose the comfort and security she had as a result of her husband's financial situation and his reputation. She stands to lose friends due to small-town gossip since she has a high profile as a result of her husband. She may have to uproot and leave town if she truly wants to cut off ties with her husband, and this means you and her may have to leave your job and move to another county. This means she may find it more difficult to see her 14 year old daughter, or else she may find a wrangle in court if her husband decides to contest. You never mentioned whether her daughter is living with you both at the moment?

 

She has said that she is fine with leaving this small town but has not done anything to do it. I left my job last year to try to keep the talk down around town.

 

You stated she buys you things. You state you had an 'emotional affair'. Did you enter this affair because she could meet your needs? Something your wife was not meeting? Yes, your girlfriend may have felt pity for herself and you, but you need to consider who will be most important in your future marriage, if that happens. You also know that her husband will be lurking in the background if she shares rights with her daughter and doesn't decide to cut ties off with him. Finally, if she disregards your thoughts now, this means she does not respect you and sees you as an object of pleasure to take her mind off her own problems. You probably entered into the affair for the same reason, so you can't blame her. However, she is demanding total loyalty to her from you; and not expecting you to place the same boundaries for her. This means that she wants to eat the cake and keep it too. Your relationship will become toxic if you don't make right and fair decisions now, given you placed all your eggs in the one basket. It looked like a great idea at the time due to the endorphins that come from an illicit affair, but it is time you objectively look at the situation you now face - because the endorphins will wear off in the near future.

 

I know he will always be in the picture.

 

Affairs are always messy, and this appears to become messier as it goes. But, we need to accept the consequences of our actions no matter what they are. All the best.

 

I am prepared to deal with the consequences.

[Lady2163]

I was wondering about both of you working in education in a small town and the gossip factor. I'm in the area of the country where teaching having affairs or messy divorces can still result in the teacher failing to get a contract for the next year.

 

From what yiu have told us on here. You are not being treated right. I don't think you understand that. If your first wife mistreated you (and I'm guessing she did) I don't know if you understand and really know what "normal" is.

 

Normal is NOT hitting, pushing or physically moving someone. It is not normal for a woman separated from her husband to go on vacation or go out to eat with her husband because the teenaged daughter is uncomfortable around him. She is supposedly divorcing him and as cold hearted as it may sound, the children are affected and their lives change. One of those changes is the daughter is going to have to learn to interact with her father without her mother as a buffer.

 

I truly think you need some time alone. I loathe taking breaks or needing space, but I honestly think you should put this relationship on hold until the divorce is final. Personally, I'd tell her you want to see other people, but if you really believe that this is the woman for you, I'd tell her you won't see anyone else for 3-6 months. Or however long a normal divorce is.

 

Sigh. I'd dearly love to find a single teacher p/professor to date. Preferably a history or English teacher and one who throughly enjoys his subject. I'm a bit of a history buff. Sadly, all too often adminstrators or parents are wearing down the good ones and it seems like schools are left with those who just want the paycheck and summers off.

[ChickiePops]

What do you mean train wreck? I am definitely going to go NC since I am moving out. I think I am going to take a three month vacation from women and work on me. Gym, career, and mental state. I am a different man since becoming involved with her. She is far prettier than my previous girlfriends and maybe I need to learn to be more confident around these types of women.

 

Or you could..oh I don't know..date women who aren't batshiit crazy instead of focusing solely on their looks and ignoring their dirty diaper-scented personalities.

[sandylee1]

*My girlfriend does limit the contact I have with my own daughter but my ex-wife is very difficult to get along with.*

 

^^^^^^ This here is the reason you should end your relationship with this woman. She is limiting the time you spend with your daughter..... that's not acceptable, yet you've accepted it. Why? She's controlling you and you shouldn't let her affect the relationship with your daughter.

 

You need to step up and do the right thing and spend all the visitation with your daughter that you're entitled to and the rest.

Your daughter will remember all this and in her mind it will hurt that you see your GFs child more than you see her. That's very hurtful and can feel like rejection.

 

You need to get your priorities right. *

[LivingWaterPlease]

*My girlfriend does limit the contact I have with my own daughter but my ex-wife is very difficult to get along with.*

 

^^^^^^ This here is the reason you should end your relationship with this woman. She is limiting the time you spend with your daughter..... that's not acceptable, yet you've accepted it. Why? She's controlling you and you shouldn't let her affect the relationship with your daughter.

 

You need to step up and do the right thing and spend all the visitation with your daughter that you're entitled to and the rest.

Your daughter will remember all this and in her mind it will hurt that you see your GFs child more than you see her. That's very hurtful and can feel like rejection.

 

You need to get your priorities right. *

 

I strongly agree with the above. It seems to me this woman is jealous and controlling, which, if you want to deal with that issue, is your prerogative.

 

However, when it comes to your daughter, that's another deal altogether. Your daughter will need you to be a father to her for the rest of her life and if your GF is as jealous as it seems from what you've written you will most likely have constant problems with her limiting your interaction with your daughter for the rest of your life.

 

From everything you've written about this woman I would break up with her were I you, even if her H were not in the picture.

 

There are plenty of well adjusted pretty ladies who would be a great partner for you and would be glad for you to spend time with your daughter, too.

 

Take this opportunity to cut your losses with this woman and move on, is my advice to you!

 

You also mentioned counseling, I believe, and I'd encourage you to do this, too.

[coach86]

Yes counselling is definitely in my future. Went to the link left earlier by another poster. Anyway I think I should tell you a little about myself. I was born to a sixteen year old girl in the late 60's. Needless to say I grew up alone and around stuff that no kid should see, I was extremely introverted and didn't even start dating until after high school. I met my first wife at the age of thirty. She was the first woman to date me over a long period of time. First long-term relationship. Unfortunately she was a very distant person and could never meet my need to feel loved. Intimacy was at best a peck on the cheek. I figured out real fast her need was financial security so i took on three jobs to give her that. Our relationship soon fell apart because i was working all the time and she said she wanted time with me. I cut back on work but her complaint flipped from me not being there to there was no money for her to spend. She refused to be intimate under either circumstance. I left in 2011 but returned for the sake of our daughter.

 

I know that I need counseling and need therapy. I have to figure out what a healthy relationship looks like because I have never had one. Maybe at my age I should just live alone.

[JAbba2gEther]

Yes counselling is definitely in my future. Went to the link left earlier by another poster. Anyway I think I should tell you a little about myself. I was born to a sixteen year old girl in the late 60's. Needless to say I grew up alone and around stuff that no kid should see, I was extremely introverted and didn't even start dating until after high school. I met my first wife at the age of thirty. She was the first woman to date me over a long period of time. First long-term relationship. Unfortunately she was a very distant person and could never meet my need to feel loved. Intimacy was at best a peck on the cheek. I figured out real fast her need was financial security so i took on three jobs to give her that. Our relationship soon fell apart because i was working all the time and she said she wanted time with me. I cut back on work but her complaint flipped from me not being there to there was no money for her to spend. She refused to be intimate under either circumstance. I left in 2011 but returned for the sake of our daughter.

 

I know that I need counseling and need therapy. I have to figure out what a healthy relationship looks like because I have never had one. Maybe at my age I should just live alone.

 

Seems like you have had a rough life. You never mentioned your father, so would it be true that he left quite early? Many people don't date until they finish school and get down to their higher education and job. Could I ask you whether you come from a non-Caucasian household? Perhaps your ex-wife and present partner are also non-Caucasian. I may be wrong in my theory, but the lack of sexual intimacy in your previous marriage and the expectations placed on you as a child not to date until after you finish your studies does sound like a non-Caucasian lifestyle.

 

Keep striving as a successful relationship is rather fulfilling. As most families grow older, physical intimacy doesn't become such an issue. Friendship, sharing quality time together, developing a trusting relationship, consolidating your assets and preparing your children for the next stage in their life are aspects that are just as important as sexual intimacy. Don't give up.

[coach86]

I am Caucasion. I did grow up without a father figure and my mother turned thirty when I was fourteen. I just never had relationships growing up. I was alone at home most days and nights because my mom was either at work, at friends, or partying. She used to take me to the public library and leave me there all day while she went and did stuff. I group up all alone and never had a close relationship until I was in college.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm glad that you're undergoing counseling. It doesn't sound like you've ever been in a healthy relationship with a woman, or perhaps even know what a healthy relationship looks like. Counseling and a degree of introspection is going to be a must-do first step to get you where you want to be.

 

 

It also sounds like you're going to break things off with the current woman, and that's good to hear, too. Any woman who wants to limit your time with your own daughter, monogram you like a piece of luggage, and otherwise try to control and abuse you isn't worth the time it takes to say "see ya".

 

 

I'm wishing you the best of luck, coach.

[sandylee1]

I'm sorry you've had a not so great upbringing, followed by a bad marriage and now a married girlfriend who is playing you.

 

You returned to your marriage because of your daughter and now your GF is limiting contact with her. Yet she makes sure her own daughter spends time with her father and even goes on holiday with him for her sake. Can you imagine her accepting the same of you? Not a hope in hell.

 

She's making sure her daughter maintains a decent father daughter relationship, but she is actively damaging your relationship with your daughter by limiting contact and YOU are LETTING HER.

 

Rule of thumb .... when someone does something, but would not want you to do the same as in this situation - they are usually selfish hypocritical people.

She is not a good woman and capitalises on your weaknesses. You can do better and you deserve better.

 

If nothing else, work on building a good relationship with your daughter. Spend exclusive time with her and be the man she wants to walk her down the aisle in the future. Not just because there's no one else to do it. For both your sakes ( you and daughter) do not let your relationship breakdown because of the manipulative GF.

[DKT3]

Huge red flags all over this woman, main one being she wanting to limit your contact with your child while risking your relationship to maintain her own daughters connection with her dad...come on, is this really a woman you want to invest in emotionally