MIL is friend to my face and slanderer to my back.

[Shocked DIL]

My MIL and I are pretty close, and we have a lot in common.

 

I have managed to put a lot of the past behind us, which is by-in-large a good thing. I literally forgot about certain conversations she and I had, and the bits of conversations that others told me they shared with her.

 

The stinger is that we have had to move in with her because of illness and school. She was very generous and gave our kids each their own rooms, and has been very kind. Our stuff is mostly in storage. Many of the things we had to bring with us (IE little plastic shoe boxes we had used as picture storage) have been emptied and things have been tucked away in drawers all around the house. As though she plans for us to stay here a while. I am really struggling to be healthy again so that I can be productive and we can be on our own.

 

This weekend they left for another country for three weeks. They left lots of thoughtful reminders around the house such as when garbage day is, when to turn on the sprinklers etc. My MIL and I share a set of hand braces they are mine, but she lent hers to someone and never got them back. I went to retrieve the braces from the basket in the kitchen where we keep them, and the velcro stuck to the basket, which led with my clumsiness to the basket being dumped on the floor. Now, I wnat to remind you that this is a shared area of the house, it is the basket we keep the bills in, the coupons in, and such. The basket when flying across the floor and I bent to scoop things up. I saw my name on a piece of paper and thought it was another typed page of instructions. It wasn't. It was an email about me. In fact most of the papers scattered on the floor were emails about me.

 

When I first came here I had to go on welfare to get on my feet. This is a woman who took me in like a good Christian. I worked very hard and volunteered time to the welfare to work program, began a successful career and in only a few months I was off welfare entirely. But finding a job initially was very hard. It took me three months BEFORE I went on welfare to find a job, and then the program helped me get one. I was given three promotions in a very short period of time, I had myself and my children in therapy for abuse (sexual, physical, mental, emotional, and financial). Some of the emails were from that time about five years ago. It was shocking and horrible to read what she thought of me. That I was an overweight, crosseyed.....well, you get the picture. She hated that I was on welfare, and was pissed that they helped me get a car. She called my daughter who was barely four and barely functioning on the level of a two year old a little bitch and a monster. It was so very malicious to read. People had told me that she said things like that, but I put it aside. It was somehow easier to do that when I was hearing it second hand. She had sent the emails to her other son who lives out of country. In the more recent emails she passed judgement on me for having to apply for Medicaid due to my illness which has left me disabled. All the while smiling in my face. All the while telling me very convincingly that I am the first person she thinks of to share things with. Telling me that I am a good Mother.

 

Seeing all this brought back the memory of what she told me the day that I moved out. She had been very nasty with me, and she warned me that I was not to bad mouth her in this community because she is well known and she wasn't going to have someone "like" me ruining her reputation, and people thinking she hadn't done right by me. At the time her words scared me to death.

 

I thought that she respected me for getting up on my feet, for becoming successful. Instead it appears that she has found me disgusting the whole time. Her son and I became very close, and became very good friends. We took our time getting to know each other, and he even went to therapy with us when he realized he was interested in more. We had a lovely wedding. She has been very kind, but now it appears to be just on the surface that she was kind. Again.

 

I KNOW that I should have stopped reading as soon as I knew the written pages were not TO me but ABOUT me, but they were left in a basket that she knew I would access to carry out what she needed done in her absence. I don't know what to think.

 

Any advise would be helpful.

[LucreziaBorgia]

She sounds like a passive aggressive bitch with a martyr complex who wants everyone in the community to take notice of her kindness and charity, while cursing and despising the very people she extends that charity to. I can understand her feeling frustrated and obligated, and I can understand her concern for her son becoming involved with you, but her way of going about this is uncalled for.

 

What to do? When she gets back, hand her the emails and let her know that you and she have some business to attend to and some things need to be out in the open between the two of you and worked out. Don't be confrontational or angry or give her any reason to throw the "you owe me/ungrateful" card in your face. If she refuses to talk to you, or work things out - then you have a choice: accept the two faced 'charity' she is giving you at your own expense - or find a way to get yourself and your children out of there.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Where is your husband in all this? You mentioned her son and you had a wonderful wedding? Does he know about these emails and can he confront his mother with you?

 

Although it appears she bad-mouths you, how does she treat you overall? and your children? She has her reasons for offering you this "charity" and I think you should be very grateful for what you're getting. Where would you be without her?

 

I'm not so sure I would recommend a confrontation about the emails. It could be her way of venting, ranting (like we all do on here). It would embarrass her tremendously and damage the relationship you have with her. She already warned you about her reputation, and well, that's just the type of person she is - take it or leave it.

 

Alot of people/family members say things behind others' backs all the time, and if the person knew what was said, they would be very hurt. I know it's not right. But in alot of cases it's not meant as an attack. Most people do this to make themselves look better in their own minds.

 

I'll relate my own situ: My SIL is fat and lazy, watches TV all day and feeds her kids pizza pops. My dad is constantly talking her down behind her back and even asks my brother if it bothers him that his wife is fat. My mom, sisters, and I also make comments behind her back. We also know it's wrong and we'll also say "oh I know we shouldn't talk like this" and feel bad afterward, at least I do.

 

If my SIL knew we talked like this I can't imagine the hurt it would cause SIL, and we do watch what we say, it's just when some typical things happen, it's like, oh here we go again. My brother is no prize either. I love them all the same and would do anything for them, and not to be a martyr.

 

In your situation, I'm sure she loves you and her grandchildren and would do anything for you, and I do believe it's out of love, whether it looks like it or not. I believe she is trying to do right by you, and what is so wrong with that?

[moimeme]

I'm not so sure I would recommend a confrontation about the emails. It could be her way of venting, ranting (like we all do on here). It would embarrass her tremendously and damage the relationship you have with her. She already warned you about her reputation, and well, that's just the type of person she is - take it or leave it.

 

I agree. It's pointless to confront her. It's taken the shine off your relationship, but you also now know better than to be too close with her and to trust her. Don't worry about what she thinks about you - it's one woman's opinion and cleary an unfair one. You've done a ton of work to pull your own self out of an awful situation and you should be very proud of yourself for that - regardless of what she thinks. She's just wrong. And people, for whatever reason, are sometimes just wrong and will live their lives that way. She's unlikely to change, but then again, would the good opinion of someone so unfair be worth anything to you? It wouldn't me.

 

And, as others pointed out, whatever her private thoughts she's still offered you hospitality and is being kind to you. It seems she doesn't even badmouth you to your own husband so that's also a plus - a lot of MILs are much nastier in person and continually undermine their DILs to their sons. Continue on your quest to get back on your feet and continue to show her the stuff of which you're made. Maybe in a decade or so, she'll be writing 'I didn't think much of her at first but she's been wonderful to my son and a great mom and I think much better of her now'

[ShockedDIL]

Thank you for your comments.

 

I suspect that she was venting. The times that she has said something to my husband, he has put her in her place.

 

Do I think she loves me and my children? Yes, in her way.

 

I do think that there is a history of her not liking girls. As is witnessed in her relationships with her daughters and daughter in laws. I didn't really see it before hand. My son can get by with damned near anything, and my daughter gets in trouble for small things. The interesting thing here is that my daughter is very much like my husband. There is a definite double standard.

 

Other things that have happened are:

 

The Disappearance of my panties, only to have them replaced with granny panties.

 

My daughters training bras have disappeared, when I mentioned it she said, "She doesn't need them anyway, you are just trying to turn her into a southern belle." Little girls get pointy before they get round. You can see my daughters nipples under some of her shirts.

 

I had a hat that said, "GRITS.....Girls Raised In The South"...it has now disappeared.

 

Yes, I am overweight right now, but its because of the medications I am on, and thyroid failure because of some of the medications I am on.

 

I don't expect her to help us. I don't want her to help us, she doesn't owe me anything. But this is definitely put me on my guard. I won't be showing her the emails, but because the basket spilled everywhere, I have no way to know if things were in any particular order, so I am sure that she will be aware that they have been moved.

 

I want to go back to work. I am striving toward that everyday. This has really stressed me out, and has caused a flare up of symptoms. My husband just told her last week, during a conversation in which she was complaining about my FIL being too accomodating to people that she was lucky that he was so accomodating. That 99% of the time the accomodating suited her. He told her if FIL wasn't so accomodating they wouldn't be married.

 

One son moved all the way to England, another moved to New York. We are on the West Coast. The girls never come around. Because FIL is elderly, we won't be moving too far away when my husband is out of school.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

People are too quick to judge too often.

 

Maybe you could find some good articles to leave laying around where she can see them that might get her to better understand your illness and what you are going through.

[Shocked DIL]

Good idea. I did some research today, and I will be able to casually leave it laying about in the family areas of the house. I think I will be able to get past this, but it seems like being alone here in HER house that its full of ghosts. So many reminders of negative things. So, I am keeping busy working on photo albums and reading to distract myself.

 

I know who I am. I know the kind of person I am. I know that I am not, nor have I ever been the person she obviously thought I was. I am hopeful that we really DO have a good relationship now, and she was going to ditch those emails. I think that I am a calming influence on her. She has commented that one of her favorite things about her son and I is that we are so kind to each other. (She constantly picks fights with FIL, she really loves bickering with him.)

 

Its interesting to me that our mutual kindness is her favorite thing, I can't imagine just being nasty for the sake of being nasty. I can do it when its necessary, but I hate it. My husband and I talk things out. I think she is shocked as well that he has fallen into his role of "Dad" so well (I have two children from a previous marriage...the marriage I escaped from).

 

She has a hideous relationship with her step-children, and she doesn't understand why that isn't the case with my husband and children. He is their dad, and they are his kids. If I forget and say my kids he is quick to remind me of my mistake. The kids have no contact with thier Biological father and my husband plans to adopt them.

 

It was just nice to be able to come on here and vent and think as it were.

 

Thank you so much.