Coping with Lies

[LostIsMe]

Without going into the long drawn out details. I've been in an affair for 2 years. She is still with her husband, my wife and I have been separated for over a year. The OW is leaving most likely this week. Ironically, we are basically at the end of this affair. I'm trying to end it but having a hard time. So anyway, here is my problem and I don't know if I'm way out of line.

 

Over the course of our affair I've caught her lying about things. In the grand scheme, they were small lies but if you lie about small, there are likely larger things. I don't trust her but because of how I feel about her, I feel like I could get past it if she could just show me she wants to make the effort.

 

She says she loves and all this stuff but this last lie that I caught her in hurt me a lot. Not because of what it was about, but because she hid it when I asked her specifically many times and it happened before we were even together. We had just met.

 

We got into a big fight and basically didn't talk for 4 days. During that time I had expected her to reach out, to come to me and apologize to my face but that never happened. Over the weekend we talked and I just blew up...I told her how I feel about her not carving out any time to come apologize to my face. To attempt to show me any signs of effort and sincerity rather than texting me she's sorry. She finally did it but she put everything in front of that when in my opinion, if you had to chose between the gym or apologize to me and try to get things right again, I would come before the gym...maybe I'm out of line for expecting that...its just what I would do. But I would have done it that day. She did come to my place and sat in the parking lot, never got out of the car. She wanted me to tell her to come up. I wanted her to make her own decisions and put herself at risk that I might not speak to her. I've never done that so she knows I would have.

 

Last night we had a final blowout. She claims she has tried and there is nothing more she can do. Try????? by texting me your sorry. Are you kidding me. And now that I'm not over it on her terms, she tells me it's annoying that I keep wanting to talk about it. Well, this is what lies do. Now I don't believe anything..I think everything was a big fat lie.

 

My gut is telling me to move on from her but it's a 2 year affair and despite trying to end it many times, it's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. i really did want to be with her but now I see that I can't. I can't trust her and I don't think I ever will be able to. I believe she wants to change and doesn't want to lie anymore which is why she confessed finally but when life settles, it's easy to fall back into who you are. It's easy to make changes when you are going through turmoil and you want to change. It's maintaining it that can be the challenge.

 

Anyway, the last thing she said to me after a long message to her saying many things was "I'm trying" .....really? I'm not seeing any effort. Not even effort to address anything I said in my message. I think her reason is "because we already talked about it". She just can't be bothered by facing the consequences of her lies. She also said to me before my long message "oh my god, i lied to you it's not like I killed your sister". The entire time she has dismissed my feelings and how these lies have effected me...I basically feel after that comment, she is just a type of person that I should not be with. She is selfish and I think somewhat narcissistic. If the roles were reversed, I'd be doing anything and everything I could to make things right because of how I feel about her but I don't get the same treatment. If I want this resolved, I have to pretend nothing is wrong and I do not have that ability. I need to talk about it, I need see what your actions do to show me a change, words are great but they don't hold a candle to actions.

 

Anyway, am I out of line in my thinking? She thinks I'm over the top. Maybe so but who are you to tell me how your lies should affect me?????? I just don't understand. This is who she is. When things get tough she has this crazy ability to shut down and basically becomes cold as ice. She is an only child and spoiled....and she isn't use to having to fight for what she wants. She's had things handed to her and done for her for her entire life. She works, she's a great mom and all that but she doesn't know how to go the extra mile.

 

This time it will hurt her because I'm not giving in. If she wants to make it right, she will try. Even if she does, I should get rid of this toxicity in my life once and for all.

 

Anyway, sorry for the long post. I get worked up and babble. I'd love to hear opinions. Good or bad. I can handle it.

[whatever29]

The word try stood out for me. I got that for three months from my exMM when I asked him why he couldn't see me. Couldn't meet me somewhere even for just a cup of coffee. It got ridiculous. Nothing had changed from before and he was able to find the time. When I asked why all he said was he was trying. Well that was just alot of hot air.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you. At the end it was all a it lie. I deserve better and said it's over and now NC. You deserve better. It hurts I know.