Long term affair with friend

[Poppy47]

To be 100 percent honest my kids one day knowing would be the least of my worry. They love him. See him very often, know he's my best friend. They love their dad but if I had to explain it to my kids they would already know how often I was alone. At this age obviously their would be no explaining it, but when they got older they'd know I just fell for my best friend and the guy that was always there when needed.

 

It's everyone else I freak in my mind over. My kids are happy and well off thank you for your concern.

 

Your kids will see you both in a very different light when you get caught. They also love their father and who is to say that they won't blame you later in life??? They might not see you being alone as reason enough to hurt their father.

 

It's a big risk to take... losing your children's respect.

 

Poppy.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Your kids will see you both in a very different light when you get caught. They also love their father and who is to say that they won't blame you later in life??? They might not see you being alone as reason enough to hurt their father.

 

It's a big risk to take... losing your children's respect.

 

Poppy.

 

Quite. I must agree Poppy.

 

Although all four of our now adult children have forgiven their Father his transgressions, it must be said that they were so appalled by his treacherous behaviour not only to their Mother, but to THEM, that although they may have forgiven him, they most certainly have not forgotten.....

 

Cuckoo

[ladydesigner]

I didn't say this was just about the rush. At all. It's just there and obviously impacts the addictive nature of it.

 

I've felt guilt a lot. At time with physical affects. It is definitely caused me stress I've definitely spent days and nights crying about the confusion of it. It's very conflicting to be in pain or stressed about something that you directly caused and can't blame anybody else for .

 

Someone asked earlier on what my husband did or didn't do to cause it . I could Come up with numerous excuses why my husband and his wife caused us to do this but in reality we still made the choices.

 

For me.. It's been positive more than it has been negative, if I put walls up and ignore the guilt, which is exactly what I do, but there is definitely a part of me wishes I knew how to stop.

 

I love him. He's my best friend. when he caught his wife cheating last year he asked me if i thought we could leave and be together . Because of the kids I don't think that's ever a possibility. We do love our spouses.. We both do. but there is definitely something missing, something we found in each other and we have wished we had met first but we didn't it is what it is.

 

I am very affectionate towards my husband I work very hard for my kids my home, I work full-time and I'm also very involved in the community .. and I just try to be the best person I can be in every other aspect of my life and I guess in someway I feel entitled to him, because he makes me feel the most comfortable I ever have in my life. That's ridiculous I know it's stupid but I feel entitled to it as long as I as I protect everybody's heart by keeping it as secret as possible.

 

I'm not trying to make any excuses here because I know they are not logical it is what it is I could quit if I really put effort into it feels like I can't but I know I could.

 

I guess I'm just trying to wrap my head around it myself. I feel I'm a relatively intelligent person, I know what I'm doing is wrong and I'm not trying to justify it but I'm probably going to see him in a few days and I'm excited about that now and knowing it's wrong.

 

Analyz that all you want

 

You can't be serious protecting everybody's heart? 4.5 years is a long time to keep a charade of a life. This is not living life. Not in my eyes. This is deceiving life. This is the life YOU have chosen OP.

[BenchCoach]

So, she cheated on him first? Did you know them back then, when her infidelity took place? Sounds like he may feel justified in his cheating because of this.

 

There is plenty of conflict in you posts regarding your affair. You know how wrong this is, but can't/won't end it- you're addicted. This MM, I feel, is getting back at his wife with his own affair. What better way to one-up his wife, than by screwing her friend/acquaintance.

 

Do you think that maybe your families being so enmeshed might not be very healthy for such a situation? It does sound like your respective spouses are a bit detached when it comes to family outings/activities. You two are waaay too close for comfort, is what I'm saying. I don't see how your spouses are not the least bit suspicious.

 

 

 

BTW, I don't think anyone said you were stupid. I'm just trying to wrap my head around all this, just like most. My regards to your candor on the matter.

Edited July 11, 2016 by BenchCoach

[Sub]

He did not take her cheating well. He was really hurt but only because she refuses sex at home all of the time refuses any affection really but was giving if somebody else.

He was angry and upset but also really confused because he felt he had no right to be considering he was doing this with me ., Was a messy ****ty situation it was awful

 

Edit to say.. No, he wasn't one upset because they weren't physical at home, I guess I should clarify that that is why he said he was upset, no he was upset because cheating sucks and he was hurt.

 

How has it affected the A? I would assume they went through a period of figuring things out, maybe counselling, etc. Has their relationship improved since then? Doesn't she suspect after him finding out and also spending so much time with you that maybe something's going on here? It would seem strange if everything's just business as usual for the two of you after such a discovery. How does he play it off as if she's the only offender in this?

 

And does your H know about what happened with them?

Edited July 11, 2016 by Sub

[13Hearts]

It really is very simple.

 

Either stop the affair completely or get a divorce.

 

Every response you have to this is either a justification for having your cake and eating it too, or to serve to confuse everyone and everything, including yourself, so that you can continue the status quo.

 

Your therapy is a smokescreen, as is your "guilt," "shame," or whatever.

[Sunshinegirl10]

Autumn I'm sure you've realized this but I'm very new here and as kind of an outsider looking in ...I came here because I thought this forum was for OW/OM looking for support to deal with their situation but it seems it's more for those who need support to either get into or deal with being in NC. Since that isn't tie goal right now ...you are getting a lot of negativity or perceived negativity.

 

You think you won't get caught because you haven't gotten caught. Many others think you will get caught because they did. We all have our own biases based on our own unique situations.

 

Not sure the point of the message just wanting you to know that I do feel for the difficulty of your situation.

[loveisanaction]

Autumn I'm sure you've realized this but I'm very new here and as kind of an outsider looking in ...I came here because I thought this forum was for OW/OM looking for support to deal with their situation but it seems it's more for those who need support to either get into or deal with being in NC. Since that isn't tie goal right now ...you are getting a lot of negativity or perceived negativity.

 

You think you won't get caught because you haven't gotten caught. Many others think you will get caught because they did. We all have our own biases based on our own unique situations.

 

Not sure the point of the message just wanting you to know that I do feel for the difficulty of your situation.

 

The OP is not in a difficult situation. A difficult situation is when a single mother is laid off, the father of her children is a dead-beat dad, and she barely made enough so she has little to no savings. She has 3 kids to feed and her welfare check will take 3 weeks before it kicks in. Her family and friends are saying they have no money to lend her before her checks kick in so she has no one to help her; that’s a difficult situation.

 

People who find themselves in difficult situations do whatever they can do to get out of them. The OP is choosing to remain in her affair. If she was in a difficult situation she would have ended her affair or ended her marriage; she is doing neither. So, she does not see herself in difficult situation.

 

Sunshinegirl10……You are right, the likelihood of anybody on this forum encouraging the other woman to remain in her affair is low, be thankful for that. Be thankful that the world has not gone completely bonkers that there are still some folks out there who respect the institution of marriage. I would not be able to remain as a member on site where such is encouraged.

 

Any one of those married men could be one of our husbands.

 

It’s easy to hand hold the other woman and tell her how you feel her pain when it’s not YOUR husband that she’s sleeping with. If she was sleeping with one of our husbands I can bet with my left finger that the hand holding and comforting would vanish in a NY minute.

[Buckeye2]

we go a lot of places along with our kids. his wife comes along sometimes as lately to concerts with us and my husband joins in lots too. They are always invited.

 

We do not push it and do not make times to meet each other we don't skip other things that we already had planned we don't get crazy like that although we did the first year .

 

We can talk daily for weeks at a time and then go all week just saying a couple good mornings.

 

 

The above is why you have a low chance of getting caught. If you do get caught someday it will be because of some random event.

 

 

Do you have sex with your husband?

Edited July 11, 2016 by Buckeye2

[frogss29]

I am a BS

My husband had a LTA with a friend of mine.

When it was finally discovered it imploded on our whole family.

They saw each other spasmodically.

Maybe every few months?

But , when it was finally discovered, it was over in a flash.

It was as though whatever had held them together now repelled them.

It was an awful situation and the ripples still turn into tsunamis every now and then.

But, we work through it....together.

I don't really want to say 'good luck' to you, but you will definitely need it.

[AutumnMoon]

Getting caught would be awful. I know this.

 

Yes my husband and I have a Goog sex life when he is home.

[kgcolonel]

Sooooo, why not come clean with your H and suggest an open marriage? At least that way, you can remove the guilt part of this...

 

Also....what happens when your kids are grown and out of the house, do you leave your H for the OM? You two seem to be a perfect match for each other.

 

So AutumnMoon, if getting caught would be that bad....what is your plan for this charade? I know i come across as being really critical but in reality, do you have a game plan for the question above?

 

I would think that your actions would indicate that you have chosen your OM over your H in your betrayal and refusal to address the real issues. I would suspect that if you don't have a "end of game" plan, he will when he finds out. I know you said you won't get caught however almost all WS say and believe this...but, many do and then the wheels come off the family, the relationship the friendship and the integrity of both the WS's.

 

Have you given this any thought?

[AutumnMoon]

Of course I've given it thought

[Lobe]

I can't quite wrap my brain around this.

 

Autumn, you sound like a heroin junkie. Junkies who want to get clean, get clean. Junkies who don't want to get clean keep using, and usually don't realize how much of a sh*tshow their life becomes while they think they can "handle" it. The aftermath is often unthinkable.

 

I don't think you're clever for not getting caught - I think you're lucky.

 

I actually laughed out loud that your AP felt so hurt and betrayed by his wife's infidelity that he confided in... you? Unreal. I feel genuinely sorry for your kids and spouses.

 

What a hot mess this is. Frankly, I imagine the thrill of pulling the wool over both your spouses' eyes while they are sitting across the table from you guys must make the sex electric. Kind of like like getting an extra good hit of heroin. If you don't have any idea how twisted that is, I offer you this:

 

Psychopathy (/saɪˈkɒpəθi/), also known as sociopathy (/soʊsiˈɒpəθi/), is traditionally defined as a personality disorder expressed by persistent antisocial behavior, impaired empathy and remorse, and bold, disinhibited behavior

 

My question is, why are you wasting money on therapy? If you've told your therapist that you're in a 4.5 year A and they've done nothing to help you kick your addiction, they're scamming you for money. If you haven't told your therapist, try telling them and if they do nothing, get a new one.

 

You feel no remorse or guilt yet because there haven't been any consequences yet. Are we taking bets? I put money on a d-day for your partner, because once she gets past the guilt of her own affair she's going to notice familiar tricks...

 

This whole situation is so sad and confusing.