Chica80 Posted July 9, 2016 Share Posted July 9, 2016 (edited) I don’t think it’s about judging anyone but sometimes the hand holding that I see on here almost resembles enabling. There is nothing with wrong with telling somebody that what they are doing is wrong. The fact that people are coming on here and posting shows that somewhere deep in their sub-conscious level they already know that what they are doing is wrong. Otherwise, what is the point of posting about their situation? I have read many of your post. And yes sometimes they do come across as judgmental. I agree about posting on here because in our conscious or subconscious we are aware that what we are doing is wrong. I can only speak from my experiences and understanding. What has been helpful to me. For me personally when people tell me how wrong it is or "disgusting" that was not helpful. It was like bashing me over the head with something I already know. Something that I'm already struggling with and something that internally and to the core I already believe about myself. But that's me. You may call it enabling...I just look at things from a different perspective to try to be supportive and helpful and get to that Truth inside of us from a place of love not condemnation. Edited July 9, 2016 by Sunshinechica 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveisanaction Posted July 9, 2016 Share Posted July 9, 2016 (edited) I have read many of your post. And yes sometimes they do come across as judgmental. I agree about posting on here because in our conscious or subconscious we are aware that what we are doing is wrong. I can only speak from my experiences and understanding. What has been helpful to me. For me personally when people tell me how wrong it is or "disgusting" that was not helpful. It was like bashing me over the head with something I already know. Something that I'm already struggling with and something that internally and to the core I already believe about myself. But that's me. You may call it enabling...I just look at things from a different perspective to try to be supportive and helpful and get to that Truth inside of us from a place of love not condemnation. Sunshinechica...My words may not be as 'soft' as many would like but believe you me what i say comes from a place that is not condemnation. Edited July 9, 2016 by loveisanaction Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 9, 2016 Author Share Posted July 9, 2016 Things happen when we are alone. When kids are there we are not alone and things don't get inappropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 9, 2016 Author Share Posted July 9, 2016 I'm pretty positive that there is a guideline here about offering advice not calling people disgusting. Keep those opinions to yourself nobody cares. I didn't start out as friends with this woman I was friends with him for years and it gradually progressed into our spouses being friends as well it's not something we pushed or encouraged. I'm not telling other people it's a good idea either I said it's been hard on my heart. Just curious if anybody else here has been through a similar thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 9, 2016 Author Share Posted July 9, 2016 ^Totally agree. If you read through all her threads, it really is quit a despicable situation. OP, you do know that you are actively CUCKOLDING your husband, right? Haven't posted here in a couple years, my very first posts here I had a lot of walls up trying to keep myself from feeling guilty I was lying to myself about what all of this meant. I've been to counselling about twice a month for the last two years. I'm in a different place now but still have not entered it and have no intention to I'm wondering if one day all of that will hit me at once and out a little crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 9, 2016 Author Share Posted July 9, 2016 So, Autumn, what are you looking for, though? You love him and have no plans on stopping the A. If I remember your story, your H spent large chunks of time away for work, correct? Is that still the case? He works closer to where we live now but yes he is still away a lot. I don't Know what I'm looking for sometimes I just want to know I'm not alone. I'm not looking for praise not looking to encourage anybody else to get in the same situation because it's been very painful and hard but I'm in it and doesn't matter how logical I am with myself telling myself I should end it, I've never come close to ending It. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted July 9, 2016 Share Posted July 9, 2016 Autumn Although we may not be in exact "same" situations, I think posting helps know you are not alone. It does for me. The pain is hard. Because people think well just get out! Or you brought it on yourself. Not so easy... Link to post Share on other sites
go figure Posted July 10, 2016 Share Posted July 10, 2016 4.5 years...time flies. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2016 Share Posted July 10, 2016 4 years does go fast. We aren't ending it. I don't want to and he doesn't want to. We've never had a DDay, even come close. I think the risks are more because we are very close, but at same time nobody suspects anything because we are so close... It's been very confusing and hard on the heart at times. I do love him. I wish love was enough! Chances are very high that the fallout will be huge when there is a DDAY. You both will lose your spouses, family unit as one and there'll be many hurt and innocent people. This is double betrayal, and even though you say nothing happens when the kids are around, it still is happening on an emotional level and the vibe is still there. It's that stuff that will tear apart your spouses, all the trust and faith they both had in you two, never doubting (why would they especially if you're acting all happy and getting along with your husband, and he with his wife) why would either of them be suspicious. Are you prepared for losing everything? Is he worth it? Because if you're truly in love and feel he is 'the one', end your marriage and be with him. And he can leave his wife. Four years is a long time and it's shocking that you two haven't been caught and nobody else has figured it out (neighbours, other friends, etc). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BenchCoach Posted July 10, 2016 Share Posted July 10, 2016 (edited) ^ I don't the chances of being caught are gonna make a difference in this situation. As I mentioned earlier, I've read through many of your threads/posts and from their content, the "high" you to are getting out of it is too much not to take the risk. The physical element- as you've described in a prior thread -is too intense for you to let go- you said it yourself. So, here we are 4.5 years later- nothing has really changed, has it. Unless you two get caught, this is gonna continue for the foreseeable future. Why would it stop when you two have the perfect "situation"- happy stable family at home and a hot steamy affair on the side. I'm sure the fact that your social circles intertwine in such a way, only adds to the rush... am I wrong here? I'm just being honest. Edited July 10, 2016 by BenchCoach 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted July 10, 2016 Share Posted July 10, 2016 OP, might spend some time reading a thread from Doublebetrayal titled Wife having affair with brother. This might provide you a picture of what you are risking. Husband and son walking through the mall, saw wife / mother kissing his brother / uncle....full on affair is discovered which had been going on for 15 years. Thus the wife and brother were un-invited to the family christmas gathering, birthdays etc. Finally, the brother split with the WW and now the scars on the whole family, children, husband, inlaws etc will never go away. She thought she'd never get caught as well....please read and try to understand the pain that'll occur eventually. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 10, 2016 Author Share Posted July 10, 2016 If I remember correctly you were one of the people who told me I was going to get caught, and soon, in the begining. I thought about how we could get caught from every single angle was never come close to getting caught I just don't see that that's going to happen in the near future. We are careful and no we wouldn't get caught making out in the mall or something because we don't do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 10, 2016 Author Share Posted July 10, 2016 Absolutely the rush has a lot to do with it. We are both addicted to one another for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 10, 2016 Share Posted July 10, 2016 Not getting caught for 4 plus years, just shows the level of deception that you both have acheived. A accomplishment to be proud of. I really dont understand the mind of a person that could pull this off right infront of BOTH of the BSs. So utterly twisted. No shame. No guilt. No remorse. There are threads and post, saying good people do cheat. This isnt one of them. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted July 10, 2016 Share Posted July 10, 2016 Not getting caught for 4 plus years, just shows the level of deception that you both have acheived. A accomplishment to be proud of. I really dont understand the mind of a person that could pull this off right infront of BOTH of the BSs. So utterly twisted. No shame. No guilt. No remorse. There are threads and post, saying good people do cheat. This isnt one of them. Exactly. Thanks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted July 10, 2016 Share Posted July 10, 2016 As your collective children get older and more wiser to the ways of the world, you will not be able to control their whereabouts or perceptions of what they see between you and mm. For all the feel good rush of "the best sex ever", the full stop respect/love from your children will put that "rush" in perspective of the totality of ones life. However, as of today...you value the "rush". Sadly, your children's emotional/mental/family well-being is being cashed in. I hope for the sake of these children...that there are enough qualified therapists in your area.....the "ick" factor of an "aunt" or "uncle"-ish type of relationship between you all is going to warrant professional help. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 10, 2016 Author Share Posted July 10, 2016 (edited) I didn't say this was just about the rush. At all. It's just there and obviously impacts the addictive nature of it. I've felt guilt a lot. At time with physical affects. It is definitely caused me stress I've definitely spent days and nights crying about the confusion of it. It's very conflicting to be in pain or stressed about something that you directly caused and can't blame anybody else for . Someone asked earlier on what my husband did or didn't do to cause it . I could Come up with numerous excuses why my husband and his wife caused us to do this but in reality we still made the choices. For me.. It's been positive more than it has been negative, if I put walls up and ignore the guilt, which is exactly what I do, but there is definitely a part of me wishes I knew how to stop. I love him. He's my best friend. when he caught his wife cheating last year he asked me if i thought we could leave and be together . Because of the kids I don't think that's ever a possibility. We do love our spouses.. We both do. but there is definitely something missing, something we found in each other and we have wished we had met first but we didn't it is what it is. I am very affectionate towards my husband I work very hard for my kids my home, I work full-time and I'm also very involved in the community .. and I just try to be the best person I can be in every other aspect of my life and I guess in someway I feel entitled to him, because he makes me feel the most comfortable I ever have in my life. That's ridiculous I know it's stupid but I feel entitled to it as long as I as I protect everybody's heart by keeping it as secret as possible. I'm not trying to make any excuses here because I know they are not logical it is what it is I could quit if I really put effort into it feels like I can't but I know I could. I guess I'm just trying to wrap my head around it myself. I feel I'm a relatively intelligent person, I know what I'm doing is wrong and I'm not trying to justify it but I'm probably going to see him in a few days and I'm excited about that now and knowing it's wrong. Analyz that all you want Edited July 10, 2016 by AutumnMoon Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted July 10, 2016 Share Posted July 10, 2016 He caught his W cheating last year? How did he handle that with her, knowing that he himself was having an A? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted July 10, 2016 Share Posted July 10, 2016 Sooooo, why not come clean with your H and suggest an open marriage? At least that way, you can remove the guilt part of this... Also....what happens when your kids are grown and out of the house, do you leave your H for the OM? You two seem to be a perfect match for each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
13Hearts Posted July 10, 2016 Share Posted July 10, 2016 Entitlement. You should work on that. IDK why people choose to get married and have children, and think they will get some reward for it. What did you expect, exactly, when you chose this path for yourself, your husband, and your children? That someone was going to be handing out prizes at the end of the day for all you do? Your affair is not your reward; it is selfish. What you're doing is unfair to everyone. The right thing to do is tell the truth and stop the affair. And don't say you can't, because you CAN, you just don't WANT to. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 11, 2016 Author Share Posted July 11, 2016 First of all I'm the one who said it must be entitlement. That is because I know this and I know it is something that I need to work on hence the reason I'm going to counselling. I really wonder how the people found themselves here sometimes, the ones that post these things .. The same things over and over as if I haven't already considered it. My husband is no saint and neither is his wife. I'm not going to blame them for what we are doing of course, but there are reasons for why we let our selves cross the line . Logically I know I'm not entitled to anything, I got married I chose the man I chose, I knew he was going to be away for work I knew that if we had children I would be the primary caregiver. I guess even knowing all that I'm human too screwed up and I felt like I was old this little piece of guilty pleasure. Stupid. And look myself in the mirror and call myself stupid it doesn't change anything. When I married my husband, I hadn't fallen in love with somebody else yet. In the beginning of the affair, both of us lied to ourselves and each other that it was only about sex. We know it's not now because can go months without being physical, only happened twice but we know we can but we still talk and we don't quit. the kids keep getting brought up as if that's the thing that's going to make it quick and for me that it's wrong. I'm Really not stupid even though it seems I am. I do know it's wrong but I'm addicted to it for sure. sometimes we go a month without anything inappropriate happening. We can easily enjoy one another's company without crossing any lines. But I am in love with him and he is in love with me, and because we can't be together whenever we want there's this burning lust thing going on too. If there really is such a thing as an affair fog I don't know how I could still be in it, 4 1/2 years later I can see exactly what's wrong, I can see the things that are risky, I know what might get us caught. And I don't Stop. I know I can if I really wanted to I'm not saying I can't . If you have ever been addicted to anything whether alcohol drugs or another person you would know just stopping is sometimes the hardest thing in the world. As far as us leaving and being together, we crossed the line at some point and I really don't think that could ever happen. How could we all the sudden be together without Everybody knowing that something was going on before. How would we explain that to our kids, our parents and our siblings .. everybody that knows us as mutual friends. We have talked about it before. I can't imagine the stress that would cause even though the two of us might be happier there would be so many other people hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 11, 2016 Author Share Posted July 11, 2016 He did not take her cheating well. He was really hurt but only because she refuses sex at home all of the time refuses any affection really but was giving if somebody else. He was angry and upset but also really confused because he felt he had no right to be considering he was doing this with me ., Was a messy ****ty situation it was awful Edit to say.. No, he wasn't one upset because they weren't physical at home, I guess I should clarify that that is why he said he was upset, no he was upset because cheating sucks and he was hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 I'm not trying to justify it but I'm probably going to see him in a few days and I'm excited about that now and knowing it's wrong. All evidence the contrary... You are a cake-eater and at some point, your husband or your children *will* find out. Query: How will you explain this to your children? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 11, 2016 Author Share Posted July 11, 2016 To be 100 percent honest my kids one day knowing would be the least of my worry. They love him. See him very often, know he's my best friend. They love their dad but if I had to explain it to my kids they would already know how often I was alone. At this age obviously their would be no explaining it, but when they got older they'd know I just fell for my best friend and the guy that was always there when needed. It's everyone else I freak in my mind over. My kids are happy and well off thank you for your concern. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 My kids are happy and well off thank you for your concern. It doesn't matter that your kids love HIM. It will end up that your kids will feel betrayed by YOU. I'm surprised you can't see that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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