Needing Some Guidance - This Hurts

[usernamestaken]

First of all, thank you for taking the time to offer any guidance here. I'm in a bad place and have never posted in a forum before, but needing some advice... I was with the love of my life for over 5 years. I'm 44 years old and she is 42 (we'll call her Stacy). We dated nearly 20 years ago before we were both married, but I was young and stupid then and didn't realize what I had when I had it. Fast forward to 5 years ago, we met again after we had both recently divorced and were together since, eventually became engaged, lived together etc. We had the usual struggles most couples have and got to a point where about a year ago we broke up. I moved out and it was a miserable, horrible time. I wanted to get married, but I realize that she never got to the same point that I did and it ended with her giving up, believing that she couldn't give me what I wanted. During our break up that started last August (2015), I tried to move on, but just couldn't. I would allow my friends to introduce people to me and go out socially, but it would always make me want "Stacy" more, missing what we had, what could have been and ultimately reflect on the man that I was with her and I decided to focus on what I needed to improve on within myself to be what it was that she needed and wanted. As I mentioned, I was never in a relationship while we were broken up and certainly was never intimate with anyone. I tried to let go and do it, but couldn't. "Stacy" & I started talking again at the first of this year and things started to go better. She was truly seeing the changes in me and they werne't something she just heard me talk about. To get to the point, I found out that around November (a couple of months after we broke up) she met a guy out somewhere and ended up going on a few dates and ultimately slept with him. She denied it over and over when I asked her if she had ever been with someone while we were apart, until finally she admitted it when I asked who someone was on Facebook. The news of that floored me. I felt as if someone had taken a sledgehammer to my heart and I would never walk again. I knew that there were things (although not as tough to swallow) that she had to forgive in me if we were to try again, so I have done my best to let that go and focus on what is now and what is ahead. At times, my mind gets the better of me and I just want to crawl into a closet and die. Last weekend, we were at the lake with her daughter and some friends having a good time. People started talking about football, she's a Dallas Cowboy fan. Someone had mentioned going to a game next year and her daughter said, "Mom, you went last year, remember? You and "Uncle Aidan" went." "Uncle Aidan" is her ex-husband's best friend and roomate. I have been around him hundreds of times, had a cool relationship as those can go and so on. She denied that and said, "no I didn't, he might have gone too, but I went there to see your cousins etc for my birthday". Her daughter said, "no, you picked him up at their house and he was going there too". I knew that they were friends and had to be as he would have been around etc during her marriage years ago and as he still goes to her soccer games and is around when she is at the house with her Dad. I always suspected that there could have been something there, but never believed it because, what guy would do something like that to his best friend and roomate and who acts like an "Uncle" to his daughter. My heart exploded again and I knew when she said that, somethng had happened. She, of course, tried to deny it again and said that he was at the game but with some of his friends, not with her. I called "Bull****" and that I knew she was lieing. She said, "ok, he went to the game with me. I had an extra ticket and he went as a friend". I called "Bull****" again and she got more angry at probably seeing me about to lose it. I asked her if she slept with him and she said, "yeah I did". They went to Dallas together (a four hour road trip), stayed together and she slept with him. We've talked about this almost constantly since the weekend and the fact that we were "broke up", I know doesn't give me the right to judge her and take a stance. It's not that she lied about it, it's not that they were drunk and it was a "bad decision", it's the little things of just knowing that he shared with her...road trip conversation, a hotel, sex, etc etc. It's like he took a part of "US" away. I can't get past the hurt of knowing that she gave herself to him (and the other guy). I sent him a message telling him that I know and I don't know if her daughter's Dad knows or not, but that I will be telling him. She told me to do whatever I need to do, apologizing for lieing, but saying "we were broke up", she didn't have in her mind that we would be back together. I can't seem to focus on how I can possibily let this go. I know I love her as much today as I ever have, want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her, but this pain is unbearable. I know I have to forgive her as I know it's the man I am and need to bem but how can I ever forget this?

[Wheremyheartis]

Could you break your post in to paragraphs so it's easier to read.

[usernamestaken]

Could you break your post in to paragraphs so it's easier to read.

 

 

I have tried to go back in and edit, but it asked me to request to the moderators, which I have.

[PegNosePete]

Sorry I may have missed this in your enormous wall of text, but are you two actually back together again, or not? You are talking but have you actually both committed to re-try the relationship yet?

[usernamestaken]

Sorry I may have missed this in your enormous wall of text, but are you two actually back together again, or not? You are talking but have you actually both committed to re-try the relationship yet?

 

 

Yes we are back together. We're living together again, kids involved again etc. As I said, things had been great and probably hadn't ever made as much progress in an amount of time since we have lately. Until this.

[PegNosePete]

Well, she has a point, you were broken up at the time and showing no signs of reconciling so she was perfectly entitled to date and sleep with whomever she wanted.

 

But the lying... that would be a big issue for me. If she's lying about that, and can quite happily lie to your face, then you have to wonder what else she might be lying about?

 

Once trust is broken it is very hard to re-gain it. I think you need to have a serious conversation about this.

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

First - I am way younger than you I am 26 but when I read all that all I could see is the fact that she lied to you she slept with two different guys at least that's what I understood.

One other thing I don't believe in the fact "we were not dating I can do whatever I want" because you were perfectly fine with not sleeping with anyone while she was feeling good doing it with somebody else. The thought of me sleeping with somebody else while wanting to spend the rest of my days with another person is excruciating on its own. Someone else to touch me (my holy temple ) and not the person I love and I am for her alone? It's disgusting. I am still too young so I don't know how grown ups think about it but you said you don't want anybody even when you are alone besides her. I know people love differently but I think she is not loving you the way you want her to.

 

Second - again she LIED to you! Lie about going to that tuna house down the road I'm fine with but lies like "I didn't sleep with him" or "its your baby" are out of this world for me! Its unforgivable. Because even if you do forgive its only on the outside inside I KNOW you feel bad you feel rotten to your core that the person you love did that behind your back. You may have not been together but that's a tough pill to swallow. If she lies to your face about something that happened when you are not together what is stopping her when you are?!

 

Third - aah what the hell do I know I am 26. Grown ups life is still not for me so if your heart can take it and you don't picture yourself with somebody else then stay together. Lots of movies I saw where couples do this and eventually they come together loving, crying and apologizing how bad they did, lived happily ever after etc. But again these are movies. I don't know much of real life still so if you think you can manage do it. I myself would tell you better off living with your kids only. Mostly because you must do right by them. If you feel bad about yourself and constantly not feeling happy how do you think that will transfer to them? At least that's what I think you can take it how you like but I hope I helped.

 

Good luck and God Bless!

[SevenCity]

First - I am way younger than you I am 26 but when I read all that all I could see is the fact that she lied to you she slept with two different guys at least that's what I understood.

One other thing I don't believe in the fact "we were not dating I can do whatever I want" because you were perfectly fine with not sleeping with anyone while she was feeling good doing it with somebody else. The thought of me sleeping with somebody else while wanting to spend the rest of my days with another person is excruciating on its own. Someone else to touch me (my holy temple ) and not the person I love and I am for her alone? It's disgusting. I am still too young so I don't know how grown ups think about it but you said you don't want anybody even when you are alone besides her. I know people love differently but I think she is not loving you the way you want her to.

 

Second - again she LIED to you! Lie about going to that tuna house down the road I'm fine with but lies like "I didn't sleep with him" or "its your baby" are out of this world for me! Its unforgivable. Because even if you do forgive its only on the outside inside I KNOW you feel bad you feel rotten to your core that the person you love did that behind your back. You may have not been together but that's a tough pill to swallow. If she lies to your face about something that happened when you are not together what is stopping her when you are?!

 

Third - aah what the hell do I know I am 26. Grown ups life is still not for me so if your heart can take it and you don't picture yourself with somebody else then stay together. Lots of movies I saw where couples do this and eventually they come together loving, crying and apologizing how bad they did, lived happily ever after etc. But again these are movies. I don't know much of real life still so if you think you can manage do it. I myself would tell you better off living with your kids only. Mostly because you must do right by them. If you feel bad about yourself and constantly not feeling happy how do you think that will transfer to them? At least that's what I think you can take it how you like but I hope I helped.

 

Good luck and God Bless!

 

I'm the OP's age and I have to say you are very insightful for yours. I agree with everything you said.

 

The hard part about being older is that you tend to have longer relationships which add to the emotional attachment. You also fear that this may be your last chance as you are too old to start over.

 

I agree that she lied and slept with other people behind his back and is not treating him the way someone who loves you should.

 

OP - you are worthy of someone who can love the way you love.

[usernamestaken]

I sincerely appreciate everyone's time to simply read my concern(s) and provide some feedback. I can say that this becomes harder every day. I know that I can likely forgive her for this, as I've said, there are things I have been forgiven for and that's what people should do in relationships. The struggle I have and where I find myself hurting the most is that, through this and after this coming out, I would hope that she would make every effort to show me the depth of love that she has for me...just not say it. I know that life gets in the way and the day to day things (kids, jobs, sports, stress) take over and seem to control our moods and thoughts, but in my mind and in my heart, none of that matters without each other and providing the needs for the one you love takes priority. I don't see why that's so difficult.

[SevenCity]

You deserve nothing less than what you put in. Remember that. And if this girl can't see that then another one will. But it has to start from within. You have to believe you are worth what you ask.

 

And despite some of the harsh replies I've seen on this board, know that you are not alone in this. Many people are in or have gone through similar situations. It sucks and is one of the scariest things to go through. Being a man makes it that much harder because we are supposed to "man up" and hide our emotions. Our support systems suck as a result.

 

As far as your last post, someone said something to me that stuck with me all my years "Don't believe a woman's words, believe her actions". Very true. It's easy to say I love you but not easy to show it (when you don't mean it).