Come Across As Controlling

[Wheremyheartis]

This post is about me, but a little background information I believe is necessary in order to understand what my issues are.

 

My husband and I are currently separated. Long story short. Back in December he asked me for a divorce. He had been dealing with severe depression, and he is very conflict avoidant. We worked or I thought we worked through whatever issues we were dealing with. In the end he lost a job he thought he had in another city, didn't, couldn't tell me and left me in the city. He thought it be easier to avoid telling me and leaving me then to deal with the hurdle. More of the story can be found on another post since my purpose isn't my relationship.

 

Anyway, my husband was recently diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder. After not talking to him for a few months we decided to try and see if we could salvage our relationship.

 

I had been told by a few that I sound like I'm controlling. I had went through my past posts and with fresh eyes and I see how controlling I appear to be. From not being compromising, to always having to be right, and the it's my way or the highway.

 

I don't want to come across as controlling. I do admit I'm very outspoken and have no problem saying my opinion. But in the process I had built a wall around me. Maybe its resentment or maybe it is a problem within myself that I hadn't dealt with and its really showing.

 

Most recently, I told my husband he needed to move out of his parents house because I thought his progress was being hindered. They were trying to convince him to stop therapy. I thought I had his best interest at hard, but I'm slowly realizing it had more to do with how I felt which makes it come across as controlling.

Edited July 6, 2016 by Wheremyheartis

[Redhead14]

This post is about me, but a little background information I believe is necessary in order to understand what my issues are.

 

My husband and I are currently separated. Long story short. Back in December he asked me for a divorce. He had been dealing with severe depression, and he is very conflict avoidant. We worked or I thought we worked through whatever issues we were dealing with. In the end he lost a job he thought he had in another city, didn't, couldn't tell me and left me in the city. He thought it be easier to avoid telling me and leaving me then to deal with the hurdle. More of the story can be found on another post since my purpose isn't my relationship.

 

Anyway, my husband was recently diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder. After not talking to him for a few months we decided to try and see if we could salvage our relationship.

 

I had been told by a few that I sound like I'm controlling. I had went through my past posts and with fresh eyes and I see how controlling I appear to be. From not being compromising, to always having to be right, and the it's my way or the highway.

 

I don't want to come across as controlling. I do admit I'm very outspoken and have no problem saying my opinion. But in the process I had built a wall around me. Maybe its resentment or maybe it is a problem within myself that I hadn't dealt with and its really showing.

 

Most recently, I told my husband he needed to move out of his parents house because I thought his progress was being hindered. They were trying to convince him to stop therapy. I thought I had his best interest at hard, but I'm slowly realizing it had more to do with how I felt which makes it come across as controlling.

 

Given the fact that you say you are controlling and he has been diagnosed as avoidant, I'd say this is an "oil and water" relationship. On top of that, I question the depth of any relationship that involves an avoidant personality. In other words, how can there be a deep emotional investment/relationship if one of the parties is basically uninvolved and incapable of dealing with a partner on an open, honest level?

 

Whatever "relationship" there is between you, it is likely that you are the one who is holding it UP -- doing all the work. And, if you are a controlling person, that would actually be a co-dependent situation. You having to basically run the relationship would be fairly easy for you.

 

Avoidant personality disorder does not just resolve itself. It is a prevailing, deep seeded behavior. Even if he is in counseling, it will be years, if ever, that he is capable of maintaining a relationship on a healthy level.

 

If there are children involved, I advocate that you both work very hard to get the relationship on a track that at least allows an amicable co-parenting environment. You both should be in individual counseling and, perhaps, at some point a couples counseling scenario. But first you both have to get right with yourselves.

 

All the best to you. It's not an easy situation.

 

Otherwise, I'd recommend you each go your separate ways.

[Wheremyheartis]

We've been together for 11 years and married 5. So we have a lot of history and it hasn't always been this bad. In the past year, things had gotten really bad. I don't believe he is a lost cause. Even before he was diagnosed he had learned to cope with a lot issues he himself recognized.

[Redhead14]

We've been together for 11 years and married 5. So we have a lot of history and it hasn't always been this bad. In the past year, things had gotten really bad. I don't believe he is a lost cause. Even before he was diagnosed he had learned to cope with a lot issues he himself recognized.

 

it hasn't always been this bad -- It is very important for you to reflect on those 11 years and be completely honest with yourself. Lots of people go through marriages that "aren't that bad" because they simply put themselves on auto-pilot and more or less overlook/excuse/minimize/forget difficulties. They are numb to the situation. I find it extremely difficult to believe that this man has been diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder and that that hasn't been a significant enough issue to be noticed or affect the relationship. This didn't just start in the last year.

 

I hope this isn't true and that for some reason or another things were better and this is worth working on, but I"m very skeptical.

 

Focus on you and your own needs right now. Dig deep into yourself and let the relationship be less of a focus for a little while. Let him focus on himself, by himself and you do the same. Then come together and figure next steps.

[Wheremyheartis]

I have thought about keeping our time together as casual. And if he wants to talk about anything, he can bring it up if he feels comfortable. Leave it in his ballpark. I do know I need to focus on myself.

[Redhead14]

I have thought about keeping our time together as casual. And if he wants to talk about anything, he can bring it up if he feels comfortable. Leave it in his ballpark. I do know I need to focus on myself.

 

Keep that mindset and sit back and observe carefully without dwelling

 

However, this statement -- Leave it in his ballpark -- is likely going to cause you some angst. Giving him "control" when he is likely not going to take it may cause to you revert to your "need" for control, etc. And, if you are waiting for him to be comfortable about talking about anything, you may be waiting a long, long time. You've been married for 11 years and he couldn't come to you about losing his job . . .

 

I just want you to manage your expectations and, yes, by all means, do keep it casual.

[Wheremyheartis]

I treat it more like I'm going to take back control of myself. I understand and realize I can only control how I feel and how I react. I can only hope he continues to work on himself. We don't work out, I know I tried. And I can hope either way we can move forward either together or not as healthy, happy people.

[Redhead14]

I treat it more like I'm going to take back control of myself. I understand and realize I can only control how I feel and how I react. I can only hope he continues to work on himself. We don't work out, I know I tried. And I can hope either way we can move forward either together or not as healthy, happy people.

 

Yes, when you can leave a relationship knowing you'd done everything you possibly can to keep it together, you will be able to move on without "baggage" -- leaving all your emotions surrounding the relationship behind. When you are prepared to start dating again, you'll be starting with a clean slate and with a renewed spirit and sense of self.

 

All the best to you.

[Moxie Lady]

I read your other thread and I honestly dont see where you come across as 'controlling' at all.

 

Given the damage he did to your relationship and the things he did to you I think you have every right to protect yourself and set boundaries. You should be thinking of yourself first and thats what you have been doing, while still entertaining the idea of reuniting with this person which is way more than I would have done. In no way is that 'controlling'.

 

He is an adult: maybe he has an avoidant personality but he makes his own decisions. You didnt force him to move out of his parents house. You enforced boundaries which any sane person would do.

 

I wish you luck!

[Wheremyheartis]

I ended up not seeing my husband as planned on Wednesday night, but went out for lunch with him yesterday. I decided to just mellow out a bit. I'm keeping my boundaries of him not coming to my house until I'm ready, in place. I'm protecting myself while just treading water.

 

We are suppose to meet after therapy session today, but I'm complimenting wither I should cancel or not. We usually meet to discuss how he is doing, but I kind of just want to go hang out somewhere and enjoy myself.