How often do you see your family? Unsure how to proceed with mine

[MissTrudy]

I am curious how often people see their families, particularly parents and extended family? If you'd be willing to provide other information (age, how far away you live, size of family, whether you'd see them more if finances or distance weren't an issue, do you stay with them or at a hotel), that'd be great as well.

 

As for me, I am mid/late-twenties, only child but I have a large extended family that all lives together so when I go for a visit I see my mom, grandmother, cousins, and aunts...usually more relatives will come over to see me too. For five years, I lived 3000 miles away and I would go home twice a year-once for Christmas and once during the summer. Each trip lasted, on average, 1-2 weeks. I was limited by finance and job, but honestly, at the end of each visit I'd be so emotionally drained that I would vow not to come back again for so long. But time heals things and distance makes the heart fonder so in a few months I'd be ready to visit again. It's a vicious cycle that started when I moved out for college 10 years ago, but I am only starting to think about breaking it now that I've brought my boyfriend home and I saw how different of an experience it is when I am NOT staying with them. It was a fantastic week! I think part of the reason it was so great is because we got a hotel. I usually stay at the house because there is only one (very expensive) hotel near where we live and it necessitates a car, so it become really expensive really fast. Staying at the house is NOT relaxing at all, but I can't afford to stay at a hotel for a week, or even rent a car for a week. Plus, my grandmother often makes comments about how I should give them money because I have a "big time job" (which I don't, btw), so I'd feel even more awkward spending money on those things if it were just me visiting. We have to stay at a hotel when my boyfriend visits.

 

After I brought my boyfriend and saw how much fun I *could* have at home, and now contrasting it to every other time, I've started to realize how much toxicity my family has and how it impacts the way I feel about myself and act towards others. It isn't healthy for me physically and emotionally. I don't think I can handle staying there a week by myself any longer. I'm conflicted though because they're getting older and I have younger cousins I want to watch grow up. I'd love to hear what other people do, especially those with toxic family members.

 

As an aside, on the phone everything is fine, we talk 2-3 times a week at least. It's in-person that's hard. I also noticed that everyone was a lot nicer to me when my boyfriend visited. They were all on their best behavior

Edited July 6, 2016 by MissTrudy

[KittyKat67]

can you explain what the toxicity is when you are at home?

[Satu]

I left home at 17, and never stayed one night there after the day I left.

 

I would visit occasionally, but never for more than a couple of hours, because that was as long as I could take before their craziness would start to get to me.

 

I also never took one penny from them, paid my way through university, and established myself in a respected profession.

 

I live in a different country now, where I am very happy.

 

Their 'craziness' would be considered 'normal' by most people, but not by me

 

On the whole, their input into my life was more of a negative than a positive.

 

I am permanent NC with them, and very rarely think about them.

 

 

No regrets.

 

 

Take care.

Edited July 6, 2016 by Satu

[MissTrudy]

can you explain what the toxicity is when you are at home?

 

I recognize that the behavior of my family pale in comparison to things others have experienced, but it has still taken a toll on me (and the others who live in that house). This is what I have to deal with:

 

Two older, disabled cousins, who my aunt (their 1st cousin) and my grandmother (their aunt) treats like dogs/slaves. One is slightly mentally disabled and unable to do any sort of work and they literally bark orders to her all day long and yell at her if she takes naps etc. This cousin has clearly been depressed for a few years, she has told me multiple times that she wishes she were dead, and the only time she's happy is when I am home. If I say anything to the aunt and grandmother about how they care for this cousin, they snap at me and tell me I'm disrespecting them. The other cousin and I don't get along all the time but I can deal with her more or less. I am pretty sure she is bipolar but she has never been diagnosed; she does have other mental disabilities though. Anyway, she cooks, cleans, and helps take care of my grandmother and her sister (the aforementioned cousin) but she never gets any acknowledgement for all the work that she does, and if she complains about doing work they yell at her. She looks different from the rest of us (shorter, darker, more ethnic features) and my aunt and some others have made fun of her for how she looks all of her life (admittedly, I did this too as a kid). I don't feel that these two cousins are the problem, I realize that they have mental disabilities and can't "help" themselves the way that the rest of us can.

 

My issues are mostly with my aunt, grandmother and to a lesser extent, my mother. My aunt stopped working about 4 months ago and hasn't found a job yet because she wants to "take care of her mommy." Yet she spends all day downstairs in her room and maybe cooks one dinner a week, whereas my grandmother's room is upstairs. How she's taking care of my grandmother when she's in a completely different part of the house all day is unclear to me. Doesn't do anything outside in the large yard we have, instead my mother has to do that when she comes home after working long days. She will wash dishes and do a little cleaning but that's about it. Everyone says she does a lot for my grandmother even though it's clearly this cousin who does everything, and even my grandmother cooks her own meals. This aunt likes to eavesdrop on conversations and report back to her mother. She acts like a child even though she is in her fifties, picking fights with her cousins and my mother. She also says a lot of racist things (towards our own ethnic group, funnily/sadly enough) and when I was a kid she would refer to each of her nieces as either "the pretty niece," "the favorite niece," "the special niece" etc. I wasn't the favorite or the pretty one, lol.

 

My grandmother thinks of herself as the prototypical christian woman but she is a hypocrite. Every time I come home she tries to guilt me into going to church, even though no one else in the family goes, and she doesn't guilt any of them into going...only my mother and me, as if we are sinners or something. She doesn't even go anymore, claiming her body hurts too much. Her body doesn't hurt enough to stop her from going to the hair dresser and other places though. Even though she has a daughter who is at home ALL DAY who can do stuff for her, she makes my mom run errands for her and gets upset when my mom doesn't want to do it because she's tired (read below for my mother). God forbid I ask my mom to take me somewhere for the two weeks a year I see her though, because my mom "works hard and is tired" and I should feel bad asking her to do anything. She only respects people if they do stuff for her, or give stuff to her.). She also shares some of the bigoted views that my aunt has and clearly favors some relatives over others. My grandmother also meddles a lot. A few years ago my mom had a boyfriend and my grandmother was downright nasty to him whenever he came over. Even though he gladly did yard work for her, work that her own sons refuse to do. She had another aunt follow this guy around trying to find dirt on him and of course they didn't find anything, but obviously it pissed my mom off when she found out and my mom and this guy broke up partly because of my family. This other aunt and my mom used to be best friends but ever since there relationship has been strained. My grandmother blames everyone else for messing up the relationship and now acts like she liked the guy.

 

Both my grandmother and aunt are lazy. A common thing that will happen is I'll be in the kitchen with my grandmother cooking something and the phone will ring in my grandmother's room. My aunt will be in the living room, which is right next to my grandmother's bedroom, and she'll be doing nothing. My grandmother will yell, "get the phone!" and my aunt will say, "[my name], get the phone!" and I'll say, "I'm cooking, you're right there, can you get it" and my grandmother will say, "[my name] go get the phone" and there's this kind of back and forth and eventually I'll go get it and my aunt will laugh. They feel like they should be respected because they're older than me, whereas I feel like respect is earned. I try to act like I respect them, but honestly with the way that they treat others, I don't respect them. I love them, yes, but don't respect them. I feel sorry for them.

 

My mother has serious self esteem issues and I wonder if she is bipolar sometimes too. She is the oldest and it's clear that my grandmother treats her differently. Supposedly when I was born, my grandmother refused to visit my mother and me in the hospital because I was born out of wedlock; my youngest aunt (not the one describe above, another one) has FOUR kids out of wedlock with different fathers, is constantly dating new guys who are no good, and has never had to deal with the crap my mom has had to deal with (I'm an only child and my mom has only ever dated two guys after my father; the last guy, who I describe above, she started dating when I was in grad school, around 23. The other guy was great and she dated him for like 7 years when I was a kid, and I bet my family had a hand in messing up that relationship too). She needs to go to therapy after dealing with her mother her entire life but she refuses to get help. She constantly complains about things but doesn't try to fix it. whoever you offer her unsolicited advice she gets angry and makes a big show of it with tears and you end up getting yelled at by everyone around her She is a workaholic, spends more than she can afford, she is a hoarder, and is constantly gambling her money away on lottery tickets. You can't talk to her sensibly, and she doesn't listen to you when you're trying to have a casual conversation with her. She's in her own world sometimes, but I still love and respect her. She has done some manipulative things in the past, like promised that I can use the car when I visit, I just have to drop her off at work and pick her up when she gets off, but then she'll go to work at 5am (3 hrs before her shift is supposed to start) and not tell me so I don't get the car. Thus I am stuck in the house all day, and if I say something to her she will say, "well you weren't ready when I was." um, how was I supposed to know you were gonna leave 3 hours early when your job is a 20 min drive away??? If I ever say anything to her though I get in trouble, even if her sister or mom say the same thing.

 

The hardest part about living with my mom though is her hoarding and spending tendencies. I barely have room to sleep in my childhood room because of her shopping and hoarding. She is also dirty, leaving dirty dishes in her room and my cousin (the one who really does all the work) will have to go into her room looking for dishes to clean. To be blunt, she's disgusting to live with. she constantly makes comments about wanting to live with me when i get a house (she has offered to pay for an in-law suite...though she doesn't have money so how that's gonna happen I don't know) but I don't think I could live with her 24/7 because of her mess and emotional instability. That's doesn't mean that I won't take care of her when she gets older, because I will, but I have conflicted feelings about what that will look like, especially because she has dug herself into such a deep hole whereas I've always been careful with my money and stuff. I should note that I am completely debt-free and went to college/grad school on full scholarships. My family blames me for my mother's debt because when I was a kid I was "spoiled" even though honestly my other cousins got way more than me and my mom never asked for help from anyone, whereas my cousins' mother did ask and get help from others (the church she refuses to go to, my grandparents, even my mother). I remember going to the grocery store with my mother and her asking me if I wanted anything, and I'd say no, but she'd leave with $100 worth of stuff that she bought for me that I didn't want. This was typical of my childhood. I got a lot of stuff, but I didn't ask for it. That continues to this day.

 

I am constantly criticized and treated like a child by my family. Mind you, I have two degrees from prestigious universities, a job, my own apartment, I've been on 4 continents, and I don't have kids. Meanwhile, most of my grandmother's other grandchildren didn't go to college, some of them have children out of wedlock, most of them don't have their own places OR jobs, and they're just moochers. But they can't do any wrong and they're never criticized. It is those of us who have tried to do something with our lives that are criticized. I know part of it's because I lived with my grandmother whereas the others did not, but still. I dont act like I'm better than them and I do a lot for my family but I don't feel appreciated at all. I am not asking for them to venerate me or anything, I know that I am not perfect, but a little bit of respect would be nice, instead of them demanding that I respect them for no apparent reason other than that they're older than me. (and for the record, I call my grandmother a few times a week, I give her gifts, I make her food when I come home, and do so much more for her than most of her kids and all of her grandchildren).

 

This is the stuff about them that bothers me the most, that I can recall off the top of my head. I remember as a child though absolutely hating myself, the family, and the house. My cousins and I used to refer to it as "hell's house." I was a good child, did extremely well in school, but at home I was angry, depressed, suicidal. I have had some issues with depression while I was in grad school because it was so stressful, but I have generally been happy since I left the house; I feel like my true self and that I don't have to act tough to protect myself. But when I go back to visit, I feel the angry child come out again, and I don't want to be that person again.