Feeling trapped...am I really though? Middle aged and despondent

[KittyKat67]

I pride myself into being a very healthy, productive, caring and loads of fun type of gal in my 20, and 30's. I am now in my fourties and see nothing of the person I used to know. I keep "blaming" family and I understand blaming is a no win situation. I just need help in sorting this out and I that is why I love this forum. Here is my situation:

 

5 years or so back, I got a great deal on a house from my grandma who died. So I moved to sort of cow town that is completely different from the urban living and totally cosmopolitan area which I thrived in. The moment I moved here is when the problems started. I have an aunt, who her family has abandoned basically because of her ways. She is really very very toxic person. And I mean very, however I am a compassionate p erson and new in the city so helped her out alot. She has talked to much crap about me and everyone else non stop for the last few years that I can't take it anymore. I am physically starting to feel the effects of being around her, yet she calls me ove rand over and over for rides or to vent. I feel intimidated because she screams on my vm to answer my damn phone if I don't pick it up. I feel harrased and not respected. I still helped her, I know my fault. People just say don't answer the phone, but she is family and I can't just stop, I have to stop gradtually I guess. That is problem #1.

 

Problem #2. I don't like where I live at all. I don't feel safe here, I don't feel like I fit in, and in the 5 years or so I have not made 1 single solitary friend I hate it here so much. I have not dated at all. I went from making over 50k a year to jumping from min wage jobs to another because I can't believe how low I have sunk. Where I live, the job that was donig before pays like 50% less. My parents own half my condo and because they have been controlling my whoe life, despite seeing me suicidal for the first 3 years here refused to allow me to move or to sell the house. I slipped into a deep dark depression that I still struggle with today.

 

Problem #3. I am still not completely healed from the abuse from my parents. My father kicked me so hard when I was 8 he broke my ribs and busted my ear drum from slapping me so hard with an open hand across my ear. My mother told me that she never like me as a child, but to this day dotes over me buys me everything and anything I want.......but I don't feel loved. The fact that they are trying to control where I live made me feel powerless, hopeless and 100% suicidal.

 

Problem #4. I did an inventory of who I have around me where I live in this city... felon cousins, toxic aunt, toxic brother who has his own issues, my mom and dad who I really really love but I for the life of me can't completely forgive them and I want to so bad. But my dad told me that I made him so mad thats why he had to hit me and my mom said it wasn't even that hard. I am traumatized and was over alot of this until I moved here, and felt powerless, I sunk back into my childhood wit them. I fell trapped.

 

Problem #5 Is that I was a chronic marijuana smoker for most of my life. I used it as a crutch to cope with my past and it became a habit and when I moved here smoked like a chimney. I have since sobered up but realize that if I have to live like this with all these bullies in my life I don't want to live anymore

 

My

Dream.. I always dreamed I could move away from my mom and dad for a year to heal from the abuse that happend. I was beat very very bad as a child and now my dad and I have sort of an amicable relationshp but he doens't like me, he loves me but I can see in his eyes he doesn't like me but wants to controlmy life..and when you are beat like I was you get initmidated till they die.....I want to move away. I just want some peace but I am scared. I have been not abel to support myself for the last 5 years and just am not convinced I can make it. I do think my depression is situational. I want to tI keep saying.....well I have two dogs and its too hard and expensive to find a place for two dogs. Well I put my dog down of 15 years last month and that excuse won't work anymore......and I still don't feel free. I'm scared but I don;t know what to do. My dream is to be able to live by myself and my dog, pay rent on time, work full time, feel safe and have a social life and be happy and thriving.

 

I'm so mixed up now I am sorry if I am not making complete sense. I have developed Angina now and afraid I will die anyways because of how broken I am inside. I used to be able to get myself out of anything...ANYTHING.....fearless..successful....its all gone. what happened to me I don't understand.

Edited July 6, 2016 by KittyKat67

[Rocker_C]

Hey There,

 

Just read through your post and I feel for you. It sounds like you've grow up around a constantly dysfunctional group of people and have not had the chance to make it out of that circle due to fear/limitations/love/respect.

 

All I can think of is to ask, do you have any friends who live in the area? Perhaps single friends being the better option. I was thinking of suggesting to you to move into their home for a while, getting you away from the destructive habits of your family. I personally understand all too well about dysfunctional families as mine is just like yours in that way, other than my father who is good yet has been affected negatively by the whole situation. Your only option sadly is to cut them all out of your life. They cant be trusted and I know this all sounds very harsh and rough, but if you dont surround yourself with people who respect, encourage and love you for what you are, you wont ever get your life back.

 

Perhaps it would be wise to abandon your portion of your grandmothers home for now. Again, I know this may sound harsh but once your parents pass away you can deal with the financial side of things and could even get a larger portion of the house's financial value due to probate/inheritance. Terrible way of seeing things but it might be your only way to recover your money.

 

Surround yourself with people who are positive, encourage you and love you for you. Im sure you have a natural gift, as I've never met anyone who didnt have at least one. You need to use this and take it forward. Use it to create your own business or find work outside of your area right now.

 

My final recommendation is to save a fund, slowly but surely so that you can move away. It doesnt have to be much, but it could allow you to afford to rent a place for a few months until you found work in an urban area. This again could be with someone you know from a city/town somewhere and could put you up in their home for a few months if you helped them out with some money for doing so. The most important people in your life right now would be friends or a loving partner, because they are going to be the only ones who can love you for being yourself.

 

Free yourself maam. You dont deserve to be locked down by these sorts of people anymore. Go and dream and live, and always follow your heart. You wont ever go wrong following your heart because you cant regret a decision made through it. Connect with people online through facebook and groups local to an area where you wish to move to. Don't be scared any more, it will tempt you to stay in your current position in fear of the unknown. Just do this right, and do it for you. I suggest you also seek some counselling after you settle down too, because you will need help to support yourself after your negative upbringing. It's not weak to look for that support and it will benefit you.

 

Have a good day

Chris

[KittyKat67]

Hey There,

 

Just read through your post and I feel for you. It sounds like you've grow up around a constantly dysfunctional group of people and have not had the chance to make it out of that circle due to fear/limitations/love/respect.

 

All I can think of is to ask, do you have any friends who live in the area? Perhaps single friends being the better option. I was thinking of suggesting to you to move into their home for a while, getting you away from the destructive habits of your family. I personally understand all too well about dysfunctional families as mine is just like yours in that way, other than my father who is good yet has been affected negatively by the whole situation. Your only option sadly is to cut them all out of your life. They cant be trusted and I know this all sounds very harsh and rough, but if you dont surround yourself with people who respect, encourage and love you for what you are, you wont ever get your life back.

 

Perhaps it would be wise to abandon your portion of your grandmothers home for now. Again, I know this may sound harsh but once your parents pass away you can deal with the financial side of things and could even get a larger portion of the house's financial value due to probate/inheritance. Terrible way of seeing things but it might be your only way to recover your money.

 

Surround yourself with people who are positive, encourage you and love you for you. Im sure you have a natural gift, as I've never met anyone who didnt have at least one. You need to use this and take it forward. Use it to create your own business or find work outside of your area right now.

 

My final recommendation is to save a fund, slowly but surely so that you can move away. It doesnt have to be much, but it could allow you to afford to rent a place for a few months until you found work in an urban area. This again could be with someone you know from a city/town somewhere and could put you up in their home for a few months if you helped them out with some money for doing so. The most important people in your life right now would be friends or a loving partner, because they are going to be the only ones who can love you for being yourself.

 

Free yourself maam. You dont deserve to be locked down by these sorts of people anymore. Go and dream and live, and always follow your heart. You wont ever go wrong following your heart because you cant regret a decision made through it. Connect with people online through facebook and groups local to an area where you wish to move to. Don't be scared any more, it will tempt you to stay in your current position in fear of the unknown. Just do this right, and do it for you. I suggest you also seek some counselling after you settle down too, because you will need help to support yourself after your negative upbringing. It's not weak to look for that support and it will benefit you.

 

Have a good day

Chris

 

Wow. I really really appreciate your advice and that it feels completely from the heart. Thank you so very much. I have no friends in my area that I can stay with. Honestly, I only have 2 friends and they each live out of state and are married. So nobody to move in with.

Edited July 7, 2016 by KittyKat67

[Rocker_C]

Hey There,

 

Its no problem at all. I saw your post before you edited last night but I couldn't get to reply due to mobile data problems (run out basically).

 

With the renting out of your portion of the property, it sounds like it could be a viable option. There was something I really wanted to say to you, which you may already have realised but worth a try. You can love someone but it doesn't mean you have to like them as people. It's a very difficult emotion to hold onto, but it isn't impossible. I've had to do it several times in my own messed up life. Your parents are supposed to be these people who you look up to and admire.. surely they can never be bad people (what most people say to themselves). The relationship we have with our parents is a pretty unique one: It is the only relationship where separation is the aim eventually. Now, if they are scarred from their own poor circumstances, that often makes people abusive to people they should be loving. A lot of people in this world have no control in their lives (because they lose control at some point) and this makes them over-compensate for their losses and they end up being destructive and "bad" people. It doesn't mean your parents are necessarily "bad" people, or even perhaps your aunt too, but it does mean that they aren't aware of how their actions are reflecting their inner damage. They walk around like zombies, messed up their entire lives. Its so sad to see it! Yet, when they act out and become destructive to other people around them (people like yourself) this messes up innocent lives and it isn't fair and it isn't right.

 

This is why I said about moving away from them. There's a saying which I sort of agree with "Leopards dont change their spots" meaning people dont change because they're usually stuck in their ways. People CAN change, but it often means facing their demons and this means going deep into their painful pasts which is too much for some. You often hear people saying "I can only handle so much/I have too much on my plate right now" yet they keep going.. they get through it. Nothing lasts forever. We're born tough, and we defy odds every single day just to live. Please, go and live your life and dont regret it! This is your time.

 

Lastly, I wanted to say about your mom saying "If you move away, what if you get sick with cancer/other illnesses, and you're miles away from us?" well I got a really good piece of advice from a guy who I know was right with this. He said "Tell no one your ideas.. dont ask for permission.. just do.. we're programmed in our society to ask for permission. The moment you ask for this permission you get all the responses you didn't want to hear. Parents will usually say "Yes.. but is that a good idea because....." and partners can also say similar. We spend most of our energy trying to get people's "permission" and instead we could be taking action.. we could be saving money to do our dream rather than sitting back and waiting for a perfect moment. This life is yours, and just because you have had a really crappy past (despite your parents being middle class and wealthy) sometimes we just have to do life our way. It might seem selfish, but really it is just us expressing ourselves in a way which makes sense.

 

Always follow your heart, never be held back by fear (there's a difference between risk and fear), express yourself to the fullest extent in this life and you wont ever regret it. It is only when we compromise and hide our feelings that we start to build up anger/fear/hatred inside which is like a big heavy backpack on our backs which we carry throughout life.

 

So my advice basically is to remember that these people want you to be there for their own benefit. No one wants to lose their family and yet some family situations are just toxic and hold great people back in life. People can move on and you dont have to feel guilt/shame/fear for other people. Remember, you're a grown woman now and it might be scary to look at things in such a different way but how will you ever justify it to yourself if you live your life for other people around you? You'll end up building up hatred/anger inside you and it will twist you up and affect your life most likely.

 

Im here if you want any more advice, and am happy to give you any if you need it.

 

Chris

[bummer]

How much is your dream of independence worth?

 

Would you rather die of depression or from your angina locked in your childhood fears surrounded by no friends and terrible family?

 

 

If no one else has outright said it, I hope youve known at your core something isn't right. As Chris has said more eloquently, you are stuck in a perpetual abusive relationship with your dysfunctional family. There is nothing redeeming or healthy requiring you to stay. Nothing.

 

Take stock of your life. Make a plan. And run. Tell no one.

 

Research online and make your dreams a reality. It isn't hard and you can make a full plan with places to stay and work for when you get there. You need a "path to safety" and an advocate to guide you out of your situation.

 

Assuming you're in the USA, call the abuse hotline and start finding a path to a new start and safety. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Path to Safety

 

Remember you are strong and smart and know what is best. You are an adult. Good luck.

[bummer]

**Kicking my ass entailed hitting, slapping open handed (although never a closed fisted punch), when I was in a fetal position kicking me, throwing me against the wall, knuckle sandwhiching me on the had all the time, calling me stupid, all this was under rage, never under controlled emotions.

 

MY QUESTION IS I'M CONFUSED ABOUT FORGIVING THEM AND ALLOWING THEM TO BE AROUND ME. THEY STILL WANT TO CONTROL MY LIFE. I can't heal unless I move away because you can't heal, unless the abuse stops. They don't hit me, but they are EXTREMELY dismisive towards me.

 

The last straw was 2 years ago, my dad charge me on my patio. Hello, I[m a grown woman now. I still love them and for some reason still want their approval.

.

 

Hey, so I've read your past posts over the year and see the trouble with friends, various family members, the loss of your dog have all been traumatic. I fear you are stuck in a pattern of loving your abusers and drumming up the victim card. Especially now with depression and a heart condition.

 

You can take all the loving kind advice you want here, but you should instead face reality. Face consequences and start fresh. You don't need your parent's help and their approval or anyone else's is OF NO CONSEQUENCE if you don't approve and respect yourself.

 

Get help, get out.

[KittyKat67]

Face consequences and start fresh. You don't need your parent's help and their approval or anyone else's is OF NO CONSEQUENCE if you don't approve and respect yourself.

 

Get help, get out.

 

what do you mean face consequences? And I think you are right, never thought about loving the abuser thing,,,but I have felt like I am being a victim,. and inside my soul I do know that not right. I want to start fresh and when you say face consequences do you mean that being on my own, facing my fear about what if's are all part of it? Can I ask you though...my mother always said what if I'm alone and get sick.....so then what would do being all alone?

Edited July 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote box ~6

[Rocker_C]

I think what they mean is that there may be financial and emotional consequences of leaving your home for a while. You can still love your parents/family but if they abuse you and your trust then its not right. It sounds like a lot more things have happened in your past than what is talked about here because trouble always invites more trouble.. like a self fulfilling prophecy. You need to break away from this cycle and live your life your way and be proud to be you.

 

Also they probably mean that if you let these people run your life and abuse your trust then you arent setting healthy boundaries, giving them the freedom to do to you as they want. Its never too late to set healthy boundaries.

Edited July 7, 2016 by Rocker_C

[KittyKat67]

Hey There,

 

Its no problem at all. I saw your post before you edited last night but I couldn't get to reply due to mobile data problems (run out basically).

 

With the renting out of your portion of the property, it sounds like it could be a viable option. There was something I really wanted to say to you, which you may already have realised but worth a try. You can love someone but it doesn't mean you have to like them as people. It's a very difficult emotion to hold onto, but it isn't impossible. I've had to do it several times in my own messed up life. Your parents are supposed to be these people who you look up to and admire.. surely they can never be bad people (what most people say to themselves). The relationship we have with our parents is a pretty unique one: It is the only relationship where separation is the aim eventually. Now, if they are scarred from their own poor circumstances, that often makes people abusive to people they should be loving. A lot of people in this world have no control in their lives (because they lose control at some point) and this makes them over-compensate for their losses and they end up being destructive and "bad" people. It doesn't mean your parents are necessarily "bad" people, or even perhaps your aunt too, but it does mean that they aren't aware of how their actions are reflecting their inner damage. They walk around like zombies, messed up their entire lives. Its so sad to see it! Yet, when they act out and become destructive to other people around them (people like yourself) this messes up innocent lives and it isn't fair and it isn't right.

 

This is why I said about moving away from them. There's a saying which I sort of agree with "Leopards dont change their spots" meaning people dont change because they're usually stuck in their ways. People CAN change, but it often means facing their demons and this means going deep into their painful pasts which is too much for some. You often hear people saying "I can only handle so much/I have too much on my plate right now" yet they keep going.. they get through it. Nothing lasts forever. We're born tough, and we defy odds every single day just to live. Please, go and live your life and dont regret it! This is your time.

 

Lastly, I wanted to say about your mom saying "If you move away, what if you get sick with cancer/other illnesses, and you're miles away from us?" well I got a really good piece of advice from a guy who I know was right with this. He said "Tell no one your ideas.. dont ask for permission.. just do.. we're programmed in our society to ask for permission. The moment you ask for this permission you get all the responses you didn't want to hear. Parents will usually say "Yes.. but is that a good idea because....." and partners can also say similar. We spend most of our energy trying to get people's "permission" and instead we could be taking action.. we could be saving money to do our dream rather than sitting back and waiting for a perfect moment. This life is yours, and just because you have had a really crappy past (despite your parents being middle class and wealthy) sometimes we just have to do life our way. It might seem selfish, but really it is just us expressing ourselves in a way which makes sense.

 

Always follow your heart, never be held back by fear (there's a difference between risk and fear), express yourself to the fullest extent in this life and you wont ever regret it. It is only when we compromise and hide our feelings that we start to build up anger/fear/hatred inside which is like a big heavy backpack on our backs which we carry throughout life.

 

So my advice basically is to remember that these people want you to be there for their own benefit. No one wants to lose their family and yet some family situations are just toxic and hold great people back in life. People can move on and you dont have to feel guilt/shame/fear for other people. Remember, you're a grown woman now and it might be scary to look at things in such a different way but how will you ever justify it to yourself if you live your life for other people around you? You'll end up building up hatred/anger inside you and it will twist you up and affect your life most likely.

 

Im here if you want any more advice, and am happy to give you any if you need it.

 

Chris

 

I got more out of that than I have with my therapist....thanks and yes I may just tap you on the shoulder again for your wisdom....

[KittyKat67]

 

Also they probably mean that if you let these people run your life and abuse your trust then you arent setting healthy boundaries, giving them the freedom to do to you as they want. Its never too late to set healthy boundaries.

 

How do you set healthy boundries when you are emotionally terified of your parents? They go from 0-100 real quick and my mom will slam door, cupboards and get real aggressive. I am intimidated by her and my dad because remember he used to beat me and is very dismissive towards me now....so I am having a hard time setting boundries. The only one I have set now is I have stopped calling and visiting them for the last 4 years and they come see me about 1 every 4 months, they make the effort now, not me. thats the only boundrie that I can set because i just don't go around them...I know its hurting them. They came over and said I hurt them bad" my dad's said " you know how to hurt people", then he got heart pain and said "A HEART ATTACK IS THE BEST WAY TO GO YOU KNOW" and smugly walked away which I had no clue what the heck that was about. My mom then sat down and said " you hurt the family very much"...there are two sides to a story. I am guilty of stopping to visit and come around, and I am guilty of asking them to support me financially through my depression because I was so despdonent I cound't work. It was a vicious cycle and since they take NO responsibility, I understand how they percieve i hurt them.

 

I have a strong personality. I have always been assertive outside the family.

 

I have to stop being a vicitm and this boards posts are starting to help me realize more deeply.

Edited July 7, 2016 by KittyKat67

[bummer]

Yeah, your parents are manipulating you. To relieve their guilt or maintain their victim. I dunno. Call that hotline.

 

Face consequences means face the harshness of the world with illnesses without your parents' money. Face consequences means face the reality you need to set a no contact boundary with your abusers and not see them again until you're able to cope with their crap.

 

I'm no expert, but the abuse hotline can help. So can your therapist.

 

Your parents' threats are empty. Live your life. Take your dog and run.

[Rocker_C]

The way you set healthy boundaries is through your actions, which you have already managed to do to a good extent. By not communicating with them when are treating you like you are worthless, you can stop talking to them for a while and see how they change.

 

Your dad sounds very manipulative and plays the victim when he gets put in his place. Saying that "A heart attack is the best way to go" is within his control only, and you couldn't cause that for him. Your mom sounds very attached to your dads abuse and she may also have become a victim of his abuse. Out of interest, did either of your parents have a bad upbringing? I think this is what initially sets these people "off" and makes them believe that they ought to treat others the same way they were raised. Hitting your children is now a criminal offence where I live (UK) and Im glad it is.. because hitting/abusing little children is wrong. The fact that you were abused as a child has set you up to be in the position you are now: A girl lost and dependant on her parents/abusers because they took your control away from you and made you that way through fear and violence. You may be 40, but you are likely similar to that lost girl you were when younger. There are usually two types of relationships you can have with parents: Active and Passive. Active relationships revolve around a balance and are fair. They are what the majority of parents out there have with their kids.. active healthy relationships which have boundaries on both sides.

 

Passive relationships however are relationships where one parent/child has more control and influence in the relationship than the other. It is usually the parent which controls this type of relationship though. This relationship type is where the person with most control asserts their needs/wants/desires over the other person and it creates a toxic environment which eventually grows into things such as depression, addictions, self harm, low self esteem etc. It is because you fail to have a true identity.. so you have an identity crisis.

 

If your mom and dad were both hurt by you not speaking to them, perhaps they shouldn't have abused you for all those years. A taste of their own medicine. They're likely getting older now and they are losing control over you, but still want to try to be domineering of you. Don't let it happen! Take back your life and control before it gets too late for you in life. If you took back control now, you could find support through the number the person below has given, your counsellor and Im sure you could make new friends by following hobbies/going to events doing things you love. You need people around you who aren't messed up to ground you into this life again. Then you can find love and peace in your life and finally be happy with things. Don't pay any attention to people who have their own interests at heart over your own. You have to ask yourself "What do they care about me?" If you can't answer realistically then you have to distance yourself. It sounds like they're always going to be negative for you, and its sad to leave family behind but sometimes you have to. Forgive them for whatever they've said, move on, but never forget what they've done! They dont deserve the space to prey on you like this anymore.

 

You need to get away from that area, so please, try to gather money as quickly as possible or seek help from organisations like the person below have suggested. You can do it.

[KittyKat67]

 

Passive relationships however are relationships where one parent/child has more control and influence in the relationship than the other. It is usually the parent which controls this type of relationship though. This relationship type is where the person with most control asserts their needs/wants/desires over the other person and it creates a toxic environment which eventually grows into things such as depression, addictions, self harm, low self esteem etc. It is because you fail to have a true identity.. so you have an identity crisis.

 

 

Yes thats true. My brother is 42 extremely passive, has never moved out, sleeps till 2 in the afternoon and doesn't work. Been like that for 5 years.

[KittyKat67]

EDIt AFTER TAKING A FEW WEEKS TO REALLY SOUL SEARCH, MY ANGER FOR NOT STANDING UP FOR MYSELF IS THE ISSUE...I realized that my lifelong anger towards my abusive parents may not be their behavior after all, well not totally. I am really enraged that I never stood up for myself. I am enraged that I allowed people this long, to intimidate me that I couldn't speak up and protectmyself. We are not talking about random every day angery banter from somebody, we are talking about complete and utter mean, violent, and dark energy that I should have stopped. I am not a weak person at all. My anger and resentment are slowly killing me. If I continue like this I won't be around in 10 years, I know it. I do want to live though. This anger and rage is like no other and I feel it poisoning me every day. I have read self help books, gone to therapy, hypno therapy, church, talked to my pastor. talked with friends, volunteer with the elderly to get my compassion back, .....I AM STILL PISSED TO THE BONE THAT I CAN'T FUNCTION. I AM SLOWLY DYING .

 

I am actually smart, pretty aggressive when I need to, but with my parents, I became a dumb mute. I am a 39 years young woman who is still under the contol of her parents. I am confused if I am really exaggerating things because I feel them so deep. I was beaten by my dad as a child and was severely emotionally abused by them both. They are very wealthy, and do love me. They are just controlling and its their way or the highway. Because of everything monetary they have helped me with I feel powerless. I know I shouldn’t have accepted their financial help, bbut now I am in a situation I feel trapped in and feel I am in my childhood all over again. I am confused. Ist this trapped feeling all in my head? I feel that its the fact Inever stood up for myself and still feel intimidated that this is where my anger originates from. I really have intense hate for them because they know my situaion and know i have been suicidal for 7 years because I hate where I live, they own half my house and won’t agree to sell. they told me, learn to be happy.

 

I feel so depressed that I am not functioning at all. I refuse to work at a min. wage and that is all I find here. I seem unthankful and ungrateful. The fact is, if I lived in a different city on my own with no emotional triggers from my past, namely the abusive people, I would flip burgers at burger king and be proud. Why won’t I work because I am not financially dependent on my paarents who I hate, but I am so mad inside that I refuse to do anything and am no functioning right now. People say, why not take anti depressants? Why should I? My depression is situatoinal. I can not function around my aggressive family. They are nice to me until I speak up then they get intimdating…like yelling, slamming, things…and making me fearful again like I was as a child. I feel doomed for life.

I have always felt in my heart to the bone, that I need to geographically be away from them for at least a year. To find my self, get my center back, heal........I live two hours away but they still control me. They still call me every day to ask what I did that day and when I ask to please top calling evey day they yell, then call double times the next day.........wtf......I can't take this much longer, I just can't. Its not the phone call that is killing me, its the reminder again that I don't matter and what I want don't matter, its just one more reality about this to my heart.

 

One thing that sticks, is I am senstive about my weight. I am 20 pds over weight and can wear some medium. I ask my mom to please don't buy x large, i am sensitive about it. What did she do? The next 10 years, she bought me xl, xxl, xxxl and told me dont' worry about the size and demand me to go in my room and try it on. I am MIDDLE AGED! Then she goes on a trip and buy me a t shirt from her vacatoin and buy xxl and the shirt is so big I wear it as a pajama. for the next 10 years I swear to god, she bought me all xl and I lost so much weight I only wear medium now and she still says she knows. I don't get her, I just don't unerstand.

I was molested by my cousin at 18, then when I told her, she proceeded for the next 20 years to randomly bring his name up like nothing. One time she said he was coming to fix her car and asked me if I wanted him to work on my car....then when I exploded and asked wtf why she woud be so insenstive, she siad " that was a long time ago".......I think that i have evolved and grown as a woman and that this is sitting so wrong with me I can't really process this. I can't believe what I stood for in my life............I need help.

 

I should have told them to **** off along time ago. But when they also shower you with material things and love once in a while, it gets confusing. But....our hearts...NEVER EVER EVER LIE.

Edited July 20, 2016 by KittyKat67