Girlfriend's Parents Issues

[Rocker_C]

Hey Guys,

 

Just came across this forum and thought that someone here could provide their insight and perhaps advice for my predicament.

 

Im a 27 year old guy and my girlfriend is 20. We started dating around 1 and a half years ago whilst at university and have now both moved back home to live with parents again after completing our courses.

 

At first I was introduced to her parents and we got on really well (or so I thought). I stayed at their home and the reception I got there seemed very positive and welcoming. I didnt expect what happened next to have such a devastating impact really. My girlfriend went away on a study tour for 2 weeks to South America and we couldnt communicate very much whilst she was there. This made us both really love sick and we missed each other like crazy. Whilst she was there I'd gotten messages from her mom that all seemed legitimate and friendly. I opened up to her mom about my own past and how it had been a tough time due to bad parenting. Again, she seemed very supportive and friendly and I thought nothing of it all. I enjoyed talking to her because it gave me a chance to let her get to know me better so she could judge my character better and see that I was a good guy for her daughter. The age gap didnt come up at all and it hasnt ever bothered my girlfriend and I either, we dont tend to notice it.

 

Anyhow, her mom said that her daughter was going to Skype her and I'd realised that she was slightly possessive over her daughter so I said kindly "I'll let you chat to her first" basically, although it was worded much more subtly and not at all implying anything bad. Her mom got onto my girlfriend and told her that I'd basically said all these weird things and that I'd said that I'd chosen to allow them to speak to her daughter first. I sent an apology email later that night when I found out saying I was sorry for any misunderstanding caused and I didnt at all mean anything by it. Her mom didnt apologise back and said that "maybe sometimes she reads too much into things".

 

Fast forward perhaps 4 months past this and her mom had been constantly onto my girlfriend trying to get her to leave me, saying that I was interfering with her family life and that I wasn't welcome in their home. My girlfriend and I both became steadily more and more depressed by the whole situation and we now both live with severe depression as a result. Her father caused a huge argument about me in the summer last year saying that I was lazy, would never get a job, I was basically someone who abused kids and that I was never welcome in his home. She flipped at both of her parents due to it all and her father tried to make her choose by saying "So.. what are you doing then? She said what do you mean? I mean.. are you with him? Yes I am still with him.. well then.. it's either him or me. So my girlfriend said "Well.. I didnt choose anyone here youre the one doing and saying that and its not fair". He stopped speaking to her for over a month because she wouldnt choose him over me because we're madly in love and its not fair.

 

Fast forward to this year, the same situation pretty much happened again recently. Her mom is manipulative as ever and it has forced my girlfriend to never bring up my name at home for fear of it causing an argument, essentially living a double life. I dont mind her speaking of her parents in front of me and actively encourage her to speak of positives in her family life. She was the first child (even though the youngest) of two in the family to find a boyfriend, so I put it down to shock perhaps of her parents and fear too of losing her. Recently her older sister (only 1 year senior than her) found a boyfriend and has been dating him for a few months now. Her parents are both fine with him and invite him around to their home regularly. Her father said to her the other day "So whats happening between you and him then? Again she responded what do you mean? He said are you still with him? She said yes.. he turned and said "You do realise he isnt welcome in my home dont you?"

 

I've been so patient with these people and nothing I do is good enough for them. Im an exceptionally hard worker and want to build a fantastic future for my girlfriend and I. The whole ordeal has made us grow closer, yet with this recent move back home it has made matters worse and we arent in any financially stable situation for her to move out right now, although it is our plan as soon as possible. We cant bear being away from one another, and we are both best friends. I want to marry this girl one day.

 

My question really is what can I do? I've tried suggesting that I meet her parents in a civilised way and we sit down together and discuss calmly what I can do to alleviate their worries for their daughter, yet my girlfriend doesnt think that can happen because her father is very biased and overly masculine (wants his opinion no matter if right or wrong). Her mom is pretty similar in temperament really and regularly uses intimidation and other controlling behaviours to make my girlfriend feel inferior and inadequate. I just see this whole situation as abusive and it brings back terrible memories of my own past. They seemed like stable, middle class people who were respectable but now I see them as monsters who are out of control.

 

Is there anything my girlfriend could do? She's tried talking to them about it all but they dont want to listen at all. They're like a closed book to this. Im wondering if I will ever be able to fix this situation, which seemed to spark from such a trivial matter into a massive issue. Im really easy going and this is just terrible. I see their influence being devastating in the future and I've gotten to the point where I see them attacking at my future and I want to defend myself and my girlfriend, knowing fully well if I do I'll be the "bad guy" they paint me.

 

Thank you for reading and responding if you can.

 

Chris

[bummer]

Before resentment and animosity grows between you two, get jobs and move in together. No use staying at home.

 

Make this conflict an impetus to strike out and be free. This is assuming your gf can distance herself from her parents as well. Then it's your job to prove you are a good guy by being loving and supportive. Show her parents through time and good actions you are a man of your word.

 

Talk is cheap and chump change to those who won't listen.

[blackcat777]

Can you elaborate more on the specific details the mother didn't like when you were talking?

 

What in particular made her react so strongly? This will provide insight for how to proceed and where the problem lies...

[Rocker_C]

Sure, the mother I believe had always been against me, she was just in the closet about it until that moment which I described. Before this even happened for example (The south american trip was around February time) and her mother had taken the family to New York City for Christmas. When she got there my girlfriend was trying to buy some wifi access and her mom said "What do you think you're doing?" "Im buying wifi so I can chat with Chris" "no you're not.. get to bed now". She and I ended up texting and calling which racked up a huge £400 phone bill due to international rates which we didn't know about. I ended up paying half of the bill, yet my anger level went up due to her moms arrogance. Wifi access was about 20 dollars for a week, and yet I racked up 500 dollars of debt due to her actions. Her mom seemed to be constantly against her and I being together and was highly jealous and aggressive about us. I didn't get this sort of treatment from her when I went to visit her home though in January (the following month).

 

When she was chatting to me in Peru, I spoke quite extensively with her really about my girlfriend having anxiety (which her mother for some really got super offended at without me knowing). The mother also accused me of saying that my father was a rich land-owner and that I personally loved Formula One car driving (Her father said "How convenient that he likes Formula One.. he's trying to be like me"). They basically twisted things to make me sound like a complete liar and a fake. What I'd told them was that my mom and dad kept a horse on a piece of land which is now a huge retail outlet in the UK. I also said that I'd been offered a job to work at Denso (a car manufacturer) to design formula one car braking systems, which I turned down at the time because I wanted to pursue a career in music. My girlfriends father is illiterate mostly and so the mother was likely saying things to him to get his temper up against me by twisting my words.

 

The father then said that I was not welcome in his home after this. I was left stunned by it all really, because I dont know what I did wrong. They wont tell me or my girlfriend. It seems like my faults to them were that I have a type of Autism called Asperger Syndrome (which really doesnt affect my ability to perform) yet they called me lazy, an excuse maker, a fake/fraud, a child abuser (presumably due to the age gap) and said that because I didnt have a job that I was stupid and would never work a day in my life because I just make excuses constantly. It was far from the truth and I have worked in jobs since the age of 11. They dont know me was another excuse, and the father tried to get my details so that he could come and "see" me, which I doubt had any good intention behind it at all because it was in the middle of an argument.

 

I dont know what to do with these people. They say that negative emotions are the hardest to deal with when someone is being so highly personal against you with them. Does anyone have advice? I mean.. presumably I just stay away and get on with my life but its hard when they control my girlfriend which has a direct impact on our relationship because we cant spend time together when we want to.

Edited July 7, 2016 by Rocker_C

[rick2016]

Unfortunately there is really nothing you can do other then prove them wrong, Build a good life and future with your girlfriend, and when you advance forward , and they see they are wrong, over time they may except you..

 

Somehow you got on the bad side of them, and they are too narrow minded and stubborn to change..

You cannot change them , dont waste your energy on them, focus on whats ahead for you and your girlfriend...

[mrs rubble]

Sure, the mother I believe had always been against me, she was just in the closet about it until that moment which I described. Before this even happened for example (The south american trip was around February time) and her mother had taken the family to New York City for Christmas. When she got there my girlfriend was trying to buy some wifi access and her mom said "What do you think you're doing?" "Im buying wifi so I can chat with Chris" "no you're not.. get to bed now". She and I ended up texting and calling which racked up a huge £400 phone bill due to international rates which we didn't know about. I ended up paying half of the bill, yet my anger level went up due to her moms arrogance. Wifi access was about 20 dollars for a week, and yet I racked up 500 dollars of debt due to her actions. Her mom seemed to be constantly against her and I being together and was highly jealous and aggressive about us. I didn't get this sort of treatment from her when I went to visit her home though in January (the following month).

 

When she was chatting to me in Peru, I spoke quite extensively with her really about my girlfriend having anxiety (which her mother for some really got super offended at without me knowing). The mother also accused me of saying that my father was a rich land-owner and that I personally loved Formula One car driving (Her father said "How convenient that he likes Formula One.. he's trying to be like me"). They basically twisted things to make me sound like a complete liar and a fake. What I'd told them was that my mom and dad kept a horse on a piece of land which is now a huge retail outlet in the UK. I also said that I'd been offered a job to work at Denso (a car manufacturer) to design formula one car braking systems, which I turned down at the time because I wanted to pursue a career in music. My girlfriends father is illiterate mostly and so the mother was likely saying things to him to get his temper up against me by twisting my words.

 

The father then said that I was not welcome in his home after this. I was left stunned by it all really, because I dont know what I did wrong. They wont tell me or my girlfriend. It seems like my faults to them were that I have a type of Autism called Asperger Syndrome (which really doesnt affect my ability to perform) yet they called me lazy, an excuse maker, a fake/fraud, a child abuser (presumably due to the age gap) and said that because I didnt have a job that I was stupid and would never work a day in my life because I just make excuses constantly. It was far from the truth and I have worked in jobs since the age of 11. They dont know me was another excuse, and the father tried to get my details so that he could come and "see" me, which I doubt had any good intention behind it at all because it was in the middle of an argument.

 

I dont know what to do with these people. They say that negative emotions are the hardest to deal with when someone is being so highly personal against you with them. Does anyone have advice? I mean.. presumably I just stay away and get on with my life but its hard when they control my girlfriend which has a direct impact on our relationship because we cant spend time together when we want to.

 

I can imagine the parents are likely concerned that you've chosen to peruse a career in music, it lacks stability and a regular secure income, the fact that you've turned down a secure income and a job doing something with formula one cars, has likely riled the dad even further.

 

As the other posters have stated the only real way to win them over is to prove you can provide their daughter with a safe secure and happy home.

 

I'd be worried about whether your gf has inherited some of these ugly traits from her parents too!!