dichotomy Posted July 6, 2016 Share Posted July 6, 2016 Several years after dDay, and kind of improving myself, becoming more secure, in shape, etc.... I noticed my WW began to have occasional episodes of worrying about me cheating on her. Her worries seem to come and go, over the years. Mostly minor concerns (expressed as side comments) but I can hear some genuine worry every now and then. Maybe once or twice a year Anyone else ever experience this? If you have how does it make you feel to kind of be in a reverse role ? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 6, 2016 Share Posted July 6, 2016 I have always worried.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 6, 2016 Share Posted July 6, 2016 Yes my WH has voiced this to me recently (I did already cheat though by having a RA) so his fears are not unfounded. WH has accused me of cheating before my RA and did it during his A's so I am not sure what that even means lol Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 Yes, I know he worried that I would cheat after he did. I was pissed that his counselor brought up that probability of a revenge affair. When I did cheat 5 years later (I still do not consider it an RA - my reason were different) come D Day he said "I always knew this day would come" and added that he had been expecting it. Now do I worry about him having an RA. Hum, I gave him permission to, as long as he "kept his emotions out of it". He didn't (or hasn't yet!), He is smart enough to know it won't make him feel better. Each couple is different, our affairs were brief, and not "love affairs" - the reasons for each of us were different - but here is the important part, we each understood WHY it happened, and it wasn't a story of villains and heroes, but humans with strengths, weaknesses, flaws and despite it all, a love and reignited commitment to each other. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 Yes my WH has voiced this to me recently (I did already cheat though by having a RA) so his fears are not unfounded. WH has accused me of cheating before my RA and did it during his A's so I am not sure what that even means lol Projection. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 I warned my husband that the next spouse most likely to cheat is the BS. We all know how that turned out. Eek! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 No, I don't think he ever worried. Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 No, mine has never thought that, he knows me so well. It just isn't in my nature, if I were unhappy, he knows I would leave. Do nothing that knowingly harms or hurts another is how I have always lived my life. It would go against everything I believe in and value about myself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 It makes sense. As a WS they would know firsthand what can go on behind closed doors without anyone being any the wiser. And the possibility of an RA is always looming overhead. IMHO some of the most jealous and insecure people in the world are WS's. They are the ones that have a cheating heart and know what goes on the hearts and minds of cheaters and they know how quickly and easily they can occur. And they also know how undetectable they can go. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 It makes sense. As a WS they would know firsthand what can go on behind closed doors without anyone being any the wiser. And the possibility of an RA is always looming overhead. IMHO some of the most jealous and insecure people in the world are WS's. They are the ones that have a cheating heart and know what goes on the hearts and minds of cheaters and they know how quickly and easily they can occur. And they also know how undetectable they can go. I disagree...I was always the insecure one...I was always the one that feared he would leave me...I was always the one that feared I was never good enough....for many years BEFORE i cheated....and for many years SINCE. Don't try to predict the mind of a cheater unless you have been one....and even then...you may not have the mindset i have. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 I asked my W if she worried about it. She said she didn't because I was "better than them." I understood what she was getting at, but in a way I took it as a backhanded compliment. As if I was acting like I was a better human being because cheating was beneath me. Which was not the case. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 I disagree...I was always the insecure one...I was always the one that feared he would leave me...I was always the one that feared I was never good enough....for many years BEFORE i cheated....and for many years SINCE. Don't try to predict the mind of a cheater unless you have been one....and even then...you may not have the mindset i have. I guess I am not sure what you are disagreeing with or how what you are saying contradicts what I said. All I said is that it makes sense that a WS may fear that their BS will cheat because a WS knows firsthand what all is involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dichotomy Posted July 7, 2016 Author Share Posted July 7, 2016 Thanks for all the comments so far. I suppose R.A.'s would be a logical concern for some WS. I find it sometimes puzzling, frustrating, amusing, and even slightly empowering that my WW (and a former mistress before she met me) has over the last few years expressed concerns about me leaving or cheating. Without going into all the details there appears to have been a flip or reversal this dynamic. In the first half of our marriage (after dDay) it was all my concern or anguish - she had none. It appears now years later - she worries and I dont care. Its frustrating in a way because there remains an issue in our marriage - and I wonder why she does not just work on this if she is so concerned about me straying or leaving - also that she might now understand better some of the pain I felt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dichotomy Posted July 7, 2016 Author Share Posted July 7, 2016 No, I don't think he ever worried. My WW did not either - for a LONG while, she even got annoyed over my worries back in the day. Then I began changing in many ways. Our marriage dynamic also changed. She worries occasionally now and I don't really (although I keep an eye out) Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 Yes my WH has voiced this to me recently (I did already cheat though by having a RA) so his fears are not unfounded. WH has accused me of cheating before my RA and did it during his A's so I am not sure what that even means lol Common for WH's to get paranoid when they are themselves cheating. It hits them that here they are banging some OW and their BW does not know. Gee, you know my wife can be doing the same to me. ROTFALMAO 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 In the really ugly immediate aftermath of the disclosure, my wh told me more than once that he understood if I wanted a RA, and that he had no leg to stand on in terms of telling me what to do to heal. My response was "our kids deserve 2 moral adults in their lives, now they only have 1. They mean more to me than cheap sex. But then again, I'm thinking ahead to consequences, which is something we all deserved from you." I needed and need to model for my kids - they're teenagers. They were so heartbroken when wh cheated, and seeing the respect gone is shocking. So my wh was only ever worried that I'd walk for good. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 Road, I think that's true too. And it is also something they use to justify the affair, "heck, she's probably doing it too, so this isn't such a bad thing to be doing." It's classic rewriting of everything. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 Common for WH's to get paranoid when they are themselves cheating. It hits them that here they are banging some OW and their BW does not know. Gee, you know my wife can be doing the same to me. ROTFALMAO I understand what you are saying...but what if the wayward always worried? My worry was from the very beginning...it had nothing to do with "my affair" It had to do with my own insecurities...we were married for 11 years before i cheated....I worried all those years he might change his mind and not want me...and then i cheated....and i worried .....and then he cheated....and i worried. and thirty three years later...I worry. It has to do with insecurities....not the idea that i did it so i know how it feels...i know how easy it is. the bottom line is...my own insecurity Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 Several years after dDay, and kind of improving myself, becoming more secure, in shape, etc.... I noticed my WW began to have occasional episodes of worrying about me cheating on her. Her worries seem to come and go, over the years. Mostly minor concerns (expressed as side comments) but I can hear some genuine worry every now and then. Maybe once or twice a year Anyone else ever experience this? If you have how does it make you feel to kind of be in a reverse role ? My wife has not expressed any concerns about me cheating even though I have some close female friends. The only fear she has expressed to me is the fear that I'll divorce her once we become emptynesters. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnAdams Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 A strange irony in our relationship, that my wife who always worried and felt insecure had an affair, and I, who felt confident never strayed until my confidence was shaken, and then had an RA. You would think if you were worried about an affair, it would give you more incentive to not. Strange how the human mind works. After an affair happens in a relationship it is difficult to not think about the possibility of another one. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 Common for WH's to get paranoid when they are themselves cheating. It hits them that here they are banging some OW and their BW does not know. Gee, you know my wife can be doing the same to me. ROTFALMAO My WW had a couple people planting the seeds in her ear that maybe I was sleeping with a student of mine. I don't think it's what pushed her to stray, but I'm sure the idea didn't hurt the OM's chances. Oddly, my W has never been one to hold back her feelings. But she never asked me before or during the A if I was in fact cheating. Only after the fact did she disclose these conversations she had with "friends". Link to post Share on other sites
OhNoYouDidNot Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 WH came right out and asked me about it when I was acting strangely about 9 months after d-day. "Are you having an affair?" I shouldn't have, but I burst out laughing and regrettably said, "No, my confidante is my journal not my co-worker." Ouch. (I apologized immediately - that was totally below the belt lol) But, he wasn't off his rocker - I was acting strangely. Usually I tell WH most of what happens in IC, but not everything - my baggage need not be his. She had given me a particularly challenging journal assignment and I was journalling a lot. I journal on my laptop in a secret unpublished online blogging program. While I was writing, I had to dig really deep and because it was a post I felt particularly vulnerable writing, I was hyper-vigilant - making sure I minimized the window on the laptop if he came near, used incognito mode or cleared the history, closed the window so the back/refresh button wasn't an issue, etc. I totally see how he thought I might be cheating, and he was relieved to learn that writing was my preferred lover, not some gigolo I picked up on Ashley Madison. Sometimes, I imagine it's because the WS went underground or is hoping you've started going tit for tat so they can resume the A with a "clearer conscience." I think the triggers and instability that the WS feels when they are remorseful and genuinely want to reconcile are not often discussed because as the betrayer, it's not really "OK" for them to publicly mourn the loss of their affair partner. Smells, restaurants, saying, songs, even sexual moves in the bedroom that remind them of the AP are powerful beacons shining light on their own stupidity. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 Common for WH's to get paranoid when they are themselves cheating. It hits them that here they are banging some OW and their BW does not know. Gee, you know my wife can be doing the same to me. ROTFALMAO It is so hypocritical. My WH asked me just recently if I was cheating because I had recently discussed D with him. Honestly my thoughts are the furthest they could ever be from having an A and I have been getting hit on left and right recently. I don't ever want to bring that type of chaos into my life or my M ever again. Been there done that! Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 Thanks for all the comments so far. I suppose R.A.'s would be a logical concern for some WS. I find it sometimes puzzling, frustrating, amusing, and even slightly empowering that my WW (and a former mistress before she met me) has over the last few years expressed concerns about me leaving or cheating. Without going into all the details there appears to have been a flip or reversal this dynamic. In the first half of our marriage (after dDay) it was all my concern or anguish - she had none. It appears now years later - she worries and I dont care. Its frustrating in a way because there remains an issue in our marriage - and I wonder why she does not just work on this if she is so concerned about me straying or leaving - also that she might now understand better some of the pain I felt. She probably feels how strong you are. I am stronger now than I have ever been with myself and my WH has not worked on himself and his self-esteem the way he should have in therapy. He has never addressed this about himself. It's not that I don't care I have just grown up a lot and have had to face reality. I'm not sure my WH has even faced reality yet. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 I understand what you are saying...but what if the wayward always worried? My worry was from the very beginning...it had nothing to do with "my affair" It had to do with my own insecurities...we were married for 11 years before i cheated....I worried all those years he might change his mind and not want me...and then i cheated....and i worried .....and then he cheated....and i worried. and thirty three years later...I worry. It has to do with insecurities....not the idea that i did it so i know how it feels...i know how easy it is. the bottom line is...my own insecurity Most people do not worry whether their spouse is cheating on them. Yet there are some people that let their insecurities get the best of them from time to time and will have a moment of concern. Yet add an affair to the mix and the amount of people worrying increases. Many WS means some not all become paranoid and worry about being cheated on. So some will worry and some will not. Also many a WS will not worry about being cheated on while in their affair. Until D day then many of them will worry about it now. To worry or to not worry. Neither one is the right response. It is just two ways that people respond as their life plays out. Link to post Share on other sites
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