How to make things work? Long read.

[tounces7]

To start with - I'm going to give some background to this, since it's meaningful.

 

I'm 37 and my wife is 39. We have 5 children together, youngest 9 months, oldest 8 years. We've been married almost 9 years.

 

We have had significant difficulties throughout our marriage. For the first year - I was playing an online game way too much. For years 2-4, we had severe financial difficulties because of the recession.

 

To make matters worse, she discovered, through a therapist who was addressing her eating disorder/PTSD, that I likely have ADD.

 

And that's only the icing. Her parents are both extremely narcissistic. My parents(who divorced when I was 5), are both effectively neglectful and co-dependent.

 

Needless to say, while you might not know it to speak with me in person, I'm fairly screwed up. I have never really had many personal relationships in my life, and honestly nobody ever gave much of a **** about me, including any family. When I got married to my wife, I was ill-equipped to know how to maintain a marriage.

 

To top things off, we have ZERO support. Like zero. I have virtually no contact with my family. We don't have any close friends who live anywhere near us. We don't have a single person to even watch the kids unless we pay a babysitter.

 

Anyway - that's the background on things.

 

My wife has said very plainly she doesn't love me anymore because of things I've done in the past, such as not hanging out with her enough, "debating" too much, not complimenting her at all, and in general not spending enough time with her. She is, however, sticking around to try and work things out, however she says she is fine with a "functional" relationship, which, may or may not be true, I can't say for sure.

 

And I've been fixing those issues. I do compliment her now(I didn't before because I honestly didn't know to, I never had that in my life). I try not to contradict anything she says. And I try to hang out with her often, even though it's tough because she mostly just brings up the past and all the bad stuff, nearly every time.

 

One big thing is I want to DO stuff with her, such as hobbies we can do together, but...I'm at a loss for what to do.

 

Anything we do pretty much has to be at home, because of the kids. She hates video games, and most games in general, so that's a no-go. She likes music and making music, but I have ZERO musical talent. She likes to cook, but I'm not into it much other than Grilling. We CAN watch TV/Movies together, and it's about all we do together right now.

 

To put it most bluntly, I like Sci-Fi/Fantasy etc stuff, and she likes "True to life" stuff. I have ZERO artistic talent(in ANY type of art), and she has very little "practical/technical" talent.

 

She likes to just hang out and talk, and my general lack of social skills make me suited mostly for just listening....but she wants someone to talk back or start conversations, not just listen. And, with such differing interests, it doesn't leave a lot to talk about. I don't even know what to say to start a conversation when I sit down with her, even though I want to.

 

So, I'm just not sure where to go from here to re-spark our relationship. Having 5 kids, we both want to make it work, but I don't want a loveless relationship, and I doubt she really does either.

 

Also - she says she's depressed pretty much all of the time, mostly because of our past, and wasted time. But she also doesn't want to see a therapist or take meds, because she did that too much in the past.

 

We just bought a house recently, and I started my own business which is starting to do reasonably well, so that side of things is going good.

[thaliyanayath]

Be patient. You both want to work it out as you said for "five kids."

Couple good things happening in your life:

1. You realized your problems due to you background.

2. You are appreciating her more and not get into an arguments etc.

My recommendations are:

To find some friends - attend a local church, usually there is a married couples group. You can join the group and find some good friends to find some help. Don't dump all your problems as soon as you meet them. As you get warmed up with each other you may do so.

To find some help: In your community, there may be a family support group, mostly Christian, if you have no problem with that. There may be family life seminar taking place, attend one of them together. The pastor of the church may be of help for this one.

What activities you could do together: Just go to beach or park. Kids will play in the play ground and you both while watching the kids, talk.

Communication: One of the major problem I see in your marriage life is communication. Learn to communication. Attend a marriage seminar, where you will be able to learn Couples communication. Or, buy a book on Couple communication.

Finally, you can discuss your situation with a Focus counselor at no cost to you by calling 855-382-5433. If you do, tell your story since they haven't seen your description of your situation.

[NTV]

Two suggestions:

 

Read "the five love languages"

 

Could you guys paint war hammer figurines?

[blackcat777]

^I just read that book today and was about to recommend it!

 

It's a quick read and could very well apply...

[bummer]

(Marriage counciling + common interest activities + affection) x time ÷ shrinking resentment= making a turd shiny.

 

Build her an amp. Make a led display which plays off music. Go to concerts with her. Learn the ukulele or the recorder. Find a common bond stronger than movies. Help cook. Just try it.

 

And give her massages. Buy flowers. Say I love you. Look her in the eyes. Be attentive. All the crap you see in the movies, try doing it as genuinely as you can. And practice. Every damn day.

 

And marriage counciling.

[ShatteredLady]

As a woman I need to talk. I need to be heard AND I need to be talked to. My husband isn't a big talker (more of a computer gamer!) & I've found it incredibly hard over the years. I don't feel loved when we aren't communicating.

 

You've received some great advise here. Communication is a habit. What happens if you go to a restaurant when you have to sit, face to face, no distractions?

 

We are completely isolated too & used the 'no support system' excuse far to much. It sounds like you can afford a baby sitter. Please start using one! Date night really does make so much difference. It took us a long time to realize the huge mistakes we'd made.

 

One thing we really enjoyed that brought us much closer together was organizing our lifetime of photographs & talking about them. Make some photograph albums of different times in your life. Discuss your memories & the people from your past.

 

In most areas they have "Moms Clubs". They're free. It's easy to meet other couples who have children of similar ages to yours. They often have regular social events, just adults. We met some really nice people.

 

I never used to agree with the old "Marriage takes work!". What's so complicated? You fall in love, get married & live happily ever after. I was very naive & our marriage payed the price.

[standtall]

Get your kids into sports...that will occupy you, her, and them for the next 18 yrs. If you can coach a sport, then do it. Get them out hunting and fishing.

 

Sports teach kids how to win, lose, compete, victory, face the unfairness of life, courage, rejection, social skills, leadership, sportsmanship. It keeps their bodies and minds in shape, and gives them a life long hobby to do with themselves and their families. When they are teenagers it helps keep them out of trouble with idle time and boredom. It keeps them away from drugs and many of the other pitfalls with being a teenager.

 

It teaches them how to be what they want to be.

 

Go for it!

[Mr. Lucky]

Your post describes everything you aren't but has nothing about what you are.

 

What are your strengths? Interests? Talents? What have people told you you're good at?

 

There are lots of bridge left brain/right brain activities. Turn off the TV, get off the couch and see the glass as at least half full...

 

Mr. Lucky

[tounces7]

Going to respond to these in turn -

 

thaliyanayath - She's an Atheist so anything to do with a church isn't really an option.

 

NTV - Checking out the book. And I don't think either one of us would be into painting figurines.

 

bummer - Hah, okay, I may be more technically minded, but I'm a plumber, not an electrician, I wouldn't have any idea how to build an Amp.

 

I wish I could go to concerts - but again, the kids. I have literally zero musical talent...I mean I am so tone deaf I hurt people's ears when I sing. I've started Grilling, which is my way of "cooking". The other stuff I do already except Flowers, she hates flowers.

 

ShatteredLady - Your advice was the most immediately applicable, and I tried mentioning going over old photo's, however unfortunately it just made her "test" my memory of past events(without bothering to look at the photo's), to see what I could remember....she has like one of those "perfect" memories, and mine sucks by comparison, and she hates that I can't remember stuff that well.

 

And actually, we may eventually be able to afford a babysitter, but it's pretty expensive with 5 kids. It usually costs more for the sitter than the date itself.

 

StandTall - Not too many sports for a 9 month old And even my oldest is only 8. I want to take them hunting/fishing/camping...but that's my kids, it doesn't do much for my marriage.

 

Mr. Lucky - You know, while I am not entirely untalented, my areas of ability don't seem very useful to a relationship. I am extremely practical in many ways, if you dropped me on a desert island, I'd probably find a way to survive. Put me up against a bear, and I'll probably find a way to fend it off. But put me up against my wife when she's angry and that frightens me.

 

As far as what "people have told me"....not much. I've lived a pretty isolated life, even when I was growing up. My narcissistic step-mother told me I'm not living up to my potential all the time. I had pretty much zero guidance in life from anyone, which is kinda why I am where I am.

[NTV]

They're a pretty extensive interest surveys online you could both take one and see which interests match up and then pursue those.

 

Also if she likes real life stuff she probably likes the drama in it and there's one show I know of this very high on both fantasy and drama and that's Game of Thrones.... also you might not know it but the book Wicked is a fantasy novel wrapped up in something else so it may be worthwhile to take her to the play.

[tounces7]

They're a pretty extensive interest surveys online you could both take one and see which interests match up and then pursue those.

 

Also if she likes real life stuff she probably likes the drama in it and there's one show I know of this very high on both fantasy and drama and that's Game of Thrones.... also you might not know it but the book Wicked is a fantasy novel wrapped up in something else so it may be worthwhile to take her to the play.

 

We watch a bunch of TV shows already, including game of thrones

[NTV]

exercise/workout/dance video games?

[Mr. Lucky]

thaliyanayath - She's an Atheist so anything to do with a church isn't really an option.

 

NTV - Checking out the book. And I don't think either one of us would be into painting figurines.

 

bummer - Hah, okay, I may be more technically minded, but I'm a plumber, not an electrician, I wouldn't have any idea how to build an Amp.

 

I wish I could go to concerts - but again, the kids. I have literally zero musical talent...I mean I am so tone deaf I hurt people's ears when I sing. I've started Grilling, which is my way of "cooking". The other stuff I do already except Flowers, she hates flowers.

 

ShatteredLady - Your advice was the most immediately applicable, and I tried mentioning going over old photo's, however unfortunately it just made her "test" my memory of past events(without bothering to look at the photo's), to see what I could remember....she has like one of those "perfect" memories, and mine sucks by comparison, and she hates that I can't remember stuff that well.

 

And actually, we may eventually be able to afford a babysitter, but it's pretty expensive with 5 kids. It usually costs more for the sitter than the date itself.

 

StandTall - Not too many sports for a 9 month old And even my oldest is only 8. I want to take them hunting/fishing/camping...but that's my kids, it doesn't do much for my marriage.

 

Mr. Lucky - You know, while I am not entirely untalented, my areas of ability don't seem very useful to a relationship. I am extremely practical in many ways, if you dropped me on a desert island, I'd probably find a way to survive. Put me up against a bear, and I'll probably find a way to fend it off. But put me up against my wife when she's angry and that frightens me.

 

As far as what "people have told me"....not much. I've lived a pretty isolated life, even when I was growing up. My narcissistic step-mother told me I'm not living up to my potential all the time. I had pretty much zero guidance in life from anyone, which is kinda why I am where I am.

 

Have you noticed you've got every reason why the above suggestions won't work ???

 

That's not problem solving, that's acceptance of the status quo and that approach is somewhat ironic given your dissatisfaction with current events. That negative outlook may also be part of your wife's disconnect, regardless of her own ability to stay positive.

 

If you're going to rise above this marital mess, you'll need to lead the way. IC would probably help, given your FOO issues and well-programmed gloomy mindset. Making that appointment would be the first step...

 

Mr. Lucky

[standtall]

Sports..you don't have to be talented, an athlete, or even play the sport to coach at the house/rec level. You just have to take charge.

 

If you're the Mcguyver type, then get into scouting or the middle school science/robotics club when the time comes......for G**'s sake, take charge and do something.

[tounces7]

Have you noticed you've got every reason why the above suggestions won't work ???

 

That's not problem solving, that's acceptance of the status quo and that approach is somewhat ironic given your dissatisfaction with current events. That negative outlook may also be part of your wife's disconnect, regardless of her own ability to stay positive.

 

If you're going to rise above this marital mess, you'll need to lead the way. IC would probably help, given your FOO issues and well-programmed gloomy mindset. Making that appointment would be the first step...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Sorry if it comes off that way. I'm not shooing away advice, only seeking out something that works best, since I've tried many things already. Things HAVE improved somewhat, but I want to keep that going.

 

The single biggest thing I am looking for, is an activity/hobby that I can do at home with her, that appeals to someone who lacks artistic talent of any sort(music, cooking, etc), and someone who is extremely artistically talented, that's not simply movies/TV.

 

And I know that's a tall order. The Warhammer figurines thing was a great idea, just not workable for us. Same with the idea about old pictures - unfortunately her bitterness from the years turned that against me.

 

I know this is very much an uphill struggle, which is the main reason I'm seeking advice in the first place.

[tounces7]

Oh and I have no idea what IC or FOO Stand for.

 

 

Sports..you don't have to be talented, an athlete, or even play the sport to coach at the house/rec level. You just have to take charge.

 

If you're the Mcguyver type, then get into scouting or the middle school science/robotics club when the time comes......for G**'s sake, take charge and do something.

 

While these are great activities, I'm not entirely sure what they would have to do with my marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

Oh and I have no idea what IC or FOO Stand for.

 

IC is Individual Counseling as opposed to MC, the marital version.

 

FOO is Family of Origin and the issues that come with growing up in a dysfunctional, negative or critical environment:

 

What is Family of Origin Work? | LoveAndLifeToolbox.com

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited July 8, 2016 by Mr. Lucky

[standtall]

Sorry if it comes off that way. I'm not shooing away advice, only seeking out something that works best, since I've tried many things already. Things HAVE improved somewhat, but I want to keep that going.

 

The single biggest thing I am looking for, is an activity/hobby that I can do at home with her, that appeals to someone who lacks artistic talent of any sort(music, cooking, etc), and someone who is extremely artistically talented, that's not simply movies/TV.

 

And I know that's a tall order. The Warhammer figurines thing was a great idea, just not workable for us. Same with the idea about old pictures - unfortunately her bitterness from the years turned that against me.

 

I know this is very much an uphill struggle, which is the main reason I'm seeking advice in the first place.

 

This indecisiveness is one of the reasons you are in the situation you are in.

[standtall]

Oh and I have no idea what IC or FOO Stand for.

 

 

 

 

While these are great activities, I'm not entirely sure what they would have to do with my marriage.

 

Because these are family activities that you can involve your wife in and have something in common. If she wants to coach, be the assistant or the manager and vice versa, and it involves your children. Make their sports your hobby with her. I am just wrapping up 18+ yrs of this with 4yrs to go and it has worked like a champ..my wife and I had too many friends to count doing this, my children the same with friends, along with all the other benefits that were mentioned. We had something to connect with everyday of the week.

Edited July 8, 2016 by standtall
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[NTV]

So....

 

 

Other ideas:

 

 

Wine painting (even if you don't like it, the wine makes it fun)?

Work together to write your own 'game of thrones' short story?

Again, exercise games?

Vacation to Rome?

Comic/starwars/startrek-convention?

Orgy?

Sexy costumes?

Role-playing? (i.e. detective at the bar)

Meetup groups for charades?

Cement tiki island head backyard sculptures (real easy just youtube) -- or other similar decorations

Both volunteer

yard sale-ing

 

 

As far as the warhammer figurines, it doesn't have to necessarily be a 'will you do it with me?' discussion. It could be you get one or two and start, and then ask for her 'help'... you know, because she's the 'better painter'....

 

 

I mean, you said you are looking for something you both could do together, or something to remind her of the magic you once had... maybe just write down your version of the day you met on the computer and when it's done 'accidentally' leave it up? It may not be something you do together as much as something you do that kickstarts her renewed/refreshed interest...