Showing Romantic Interest in Women I See Regularly

[Wave Rider]

I've started with big band swing dancing, and it's a great place to meet women. But I'm having something of a problem with showing interest in any of those women beyond a 3-minute dance. The issue is that on any given night, about 60% of the women at the ballroom I dance at are "regulars" meaning that they dance at that ballroom most every week. So sure, I can show interest in a woman there, but if she rejects me, I'll probably see her every Friday for the next year and I'll have to deal with the awkwardness of that situation. Similarly, I've sort of joined the swing dance club at my university (I say sort of because they aren't really meeting right now, but some of them go the same ballroom as I do to dance.) If there are any women in that club I'm interested in and I make a move, and she's not interested, then the weekly meetings will just be really awkward.

 

I've had the same problem with meeting women in my college classes or social groups. I'm bold enough to make a move, but if she rejects me, now I've got to see her frequently and deal with the awkwardness of that situation. It's the same with any other club or social group I would join.

 

So what should I do? There are some beautiful women at the various places I go to that I'd like to take on a date, but I don't want to risk creating an indefinitely awkward situation. In the past I've gotten around this problem by only asking women out when they were outside my social circle, but you can see how well that's worked out for me. So how can I show romantic interest or make a move with a woman I see regularly without potentially making things awkward long-term?

[normal person]

Take an intermediate step before a direct one. Talk to them circumstantially, see if they want a drink, or want to do something else. If they do, and if sparks fly, bingo. Everything will fall into place naturally. If sparks don't fly, you've saved face and they're none the wiser.

[JuneJulySeptember]

When I was in college, I asked out women very awkwardly and badly ... and got rejected. For example, one time I got a girl's number from a tutoring roster and called her and asked her out. Bad. Some of them were women from my social circles and activities I was still attending. A lot of it got back and it was quite embarrassing.

 

That was a looooong time ago and I'm here to tell you I lived...

 

At the end of the day, the possible reward is much greater than any kind of rejection and embarrassment that you may suffer. Chances are you probably will not be in touch with 95-99% of the people you are fearing will judge you 5 years from now. And you probably are going to get rejected. But still worth the chance.

 

Just don't do it stalkerishly or creepy like I did, then you give yourself zero chance.

Edited July 7, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[Wave Rider]

When I was in college, I asked out women very awkwardly and badly ... and got rejected. For example, one time I got a girl's number from a tutoring roster and called her and asked her out. Bad. Some of them were women from my social circles and activities I was still attending. A lot of it got back and it was quite embarrassing.

 

That was a looooong time ago and I'm here to tell you I lived...

 

At the end of the day, the possible reward is much greater than any kind of rejection and embarrassment that you may suffer. Chances are you probably will not be in touch with 95-99% of the people you are fearing will judge you 5 years from now. And you probably are going to get rejected. But still worth the chance.

 

Just don't do it stalkerishly or creepy like I did, then you give yourself zero chance.

 

So is it better to start with a complement like, "You look nice tonight" or is it better to just be straight up and say, "I think you're cute and I'd like to take you on a date."? At this point I'm done with playing games and I don't care anymore. I'm willing to be that direct.

[xxoo]

Be friendly with these women every time you see them. Make eye contact and smile when saying "Hello" each time.

 

Talk to women (and men) outside of the dances, for example before and after class. Be social. This is key to making everything else less awkward.

 

In the course of being social with the women--as opposed to being social with them men--flirt. Give a friendly compliment about her shoes or something, "You win the shoe game tonight. I bet all the other ladies are green with envy". Use a light tone and observe her response. If she giggles and beams at your horrible joke, she's very likely interested. Next time you chat, flirt some more If the response is good, there is a very good chance she's either interested or she's not single. Go ahead and ask her out for a drink after class to find out which.

 

There is no need to act awkward after a rejection. I know you may feel awkward, but part of being a confident guy is brushing that off and moving on with your head held high. Women aren't stressing it, so you shouldn't either.

[MGX]

So is it better to start with a complement like, "You look nice tonight" or is it better to just be straight up and say, "I think you're cute and I'd like to take you on a date."? At this point I'm done with playing games and I don't care anymore. I'm willing to be that direct.

 

Engage them in a regular conversation, so it can lead up to asking them out for coffee or lunch.

[preraph]

Oh, my goodness. Do you not see that the problem here isn't that they will have a problem seeing you but that you are making way too much of being rejected and building it up in your mind into something unforgivable? A woman may reject you for totally random reasons.

She could be married and just be dancing for entertainment.

She could have a bf and ditto

She could like one hair color and not the other.

She could have a racial preference

She could think you remind her of her 8th grade math professor

She could sense you're too eager and see that as a red flag.

 

So dance with everyone, even the ones who didn't want to go out. Be a good sport. Don't ask someone out until you've talked to them a time or two or danced with them a few times. Don't make it a big deal. You're just asking them on a date. Stop acting like you're asking them to marry you. There's no reason to be nervous. A date is just a date. It's not a commitment.

[Wave Rider]

In the course of being social with the women--as opposed to being social with them men--flirt. Give a friendly compliment about her shoes or something, "You win the shoe game tonight. I bet all the other ladies are green with envy". Use a light tone and observe her response. If she giggles and beams at your horrible joke, she's very likely interested. Next time you chat, flirt some more If the response is good, there is a very good chance she's either interested or she's not single. Go ahead and ask her out for a drink after class to find out which.

 

Yeah, I think this is a good way to go, and I could get a feel for how interested she is based on her responses. One thing I've learned is that I never really know how interested a woman is until I make a move, and I've often misestimated interest from women, both on the high side and the low side. I've actually totally missed some pretty blatant cues of interest from women.

 

It used to be expected that men call women on the phone or ask for a date in person. But now texting and messaging (on facebook, etc.) is the normal form of communication. My strategy as of recent has been to meet a woman and get to know her a little, send her a facebook friend request, then chat with her a little on facebook and ask her on a date in a facebook message. This is a way to make rejection less awkward, especially with a woman I see regularly. But is this cowardly? Do women prefer an in-person invitation?

[JuneJulySeptember]

So is it better to start with a complement like, "You look nice tonight" or is it better to just be straight up and say, "I think you're cute and I'd like to take you on a date."? At this point I'm done with playing games and I don't care anymore. I'm willing to be that direct.

 

I wouldn't do it that direct.

 

Just during the course of the conversation of whatever you are doing, ask them out to have a beer or to go to the beach, etc.

 

Then, when you are alone, go for a kiss. That will signify interest.

 

The unfortunate part of being your age is that women are more shallow. So, if you are not really attractive to them off the bat, you might have to be on the friendship tip for a while for them to come around, a process I would not wish on anybody.

 

When you are older, women are a liiiiitle bit more lenient about looks. Some of them will be like, "Well, he seems like a nice guy and he seems like he has his sh@t together, unlike my jacka@@ ex-husband/father of my kid, etc, so let's see where this goes."

 

21 year old women don't need to make such concessions.

[Wave Rider]

Just during the course of the conversation of whatever you are doing, ask them out to have a beer or to go to the beach, etc.

 

Then, when you are alone, go for a kiss. That will signify interest.

 

My usual first date now is a walk on the beach. I don't drink alcohol or coffee, and a walk on the beach is free and charming, so that's what I do. I usually don't go for the kiss until I get some reasonably clear "kiss me" signals. There's one women I'm thinking of that I dance with that I'd like to ask out, and I'll probably do my usual by asking her out in a facebook message after I get to know her a little better.

[xxoo]

 

It used to be expected that men call women on the phone or ask for a date in person. But now texting and messaging (on facebook, etc.) is the normal form of communication. My strategy as of recent has been to meet a woman and get to know her a little, send her a facebook friend request, then chat with her a little on facebook and ask her on a date in a facebook message. This is a way to make rejection less awkward, especially with a woman I see regularly. But is this cowardly? Do women prefer an in-person invitation?

 

Be aware: women know what's up. So when you friend her on fb, she already knows the intention. That is not a reason not to approach or friend her on fb or ask her out, it's just to say there is no way to avoid that first moment when she knows it's coming...and it can increase the awkwardness to beat around the bush if her answer is already "no".

 

The awkwardness is in your head. It doesn't need to be awkward. But if you believe it's awkward, it is. Plenty of men obnoxiously ask a woman out in front of others, get rejected just as obnoxiously, and then laugh it off with the guys who witnessed it. The whole thing was fun.

 

The trick is to keep things light. She says no? "Ok, at least I get to see you every week here. Maybe I'll try again later [big smile]" I bet there is no awkwardness after that and gives you a genuine smile when she sees you next.

[Wave Rider]

Be aware: women know what's up. So when you friend her on fb, she already knows the intention. That is not a reason not to approach or friend her on fb or ask her out, it's just to say there is no way to avoid that first moment when she knows it's coming...and it can increase the awkwardness to beat around the bush if her answer is already "no".

 

The awkwardness is in your head. It doesn't need to be awkward. But if you believe it's awkward, it is. Plenty of men obnoxiously ask a woman out in front of others, get rejected just as obnoxiously, and then laugh it off with the guys who witnessed it. The whole thing was fun.

 

Yeah, I know that women can usually see a date invitation coming a mile away. My question is if women prefer in-person/phone invitations, or if they're OK with text/messaging invitations, or if it matters, and if text/messaging invitations are a way to make things less awkward with someone I see regularly. I guess you're right in that if she rejects me, it's lot more awkward for me than for her, and the awkwardness is mostly in my head.

[xxoo]

Yeah, I know that women can usually see a date invitation coming a mile away. My question is if women prefer in-person/phone invitations, or if they're OK with text/messaging invitations, or if it matters, and if text/messaging invitations are a way to make things less awkward with someone I see regularly. I guess you're right in that if she rejects me, it's lot more awkward for me than for her, and the awkwardness is mostly in my head.

 

I don't think it really matters, as long as you also talk to her in person.

 

Is it difficult for you to "work the room" and be social with people in general?

[Wave Rider]

Is it difficult for you to "work the room" and be social with people in general?

 

I'm not what you would call bubbly, but I can meet people OK. I usually make superficial friendships without much trouble, but close friendships are more rare for me. I had close friends when I lived in Utah, but the friends I have now aren't as close.

 

I'll just have to flirt with these women and see how they respond, or ask them out and see if they yes.

 

I guess I have this feeling like women are being constantly hit on and harassed by men, and they just want men to leave them alone already. I realize that's not a likely attitude for women who show up at dances, because those women are obviously there because they want the company of men, and many of them are probably hoping that some man will make a move and ask them out. I can clearly see that those women make the effort to put on an attractive dress and look nice, and got asked to dance by 4 or 5 women the last time I went dancing, but I still have this feeling like women really wish that men would just leave them alone. Hmmm.....

Edited July 8, 2016 by Wave Rider

[redbaron007]

I'm not what you would call bubbly, but I can meet people OK. I usually make superficial friendships without much trouble, but close friendships are more rare for me. I had close friends when I lived in Utah, but the friends I have now aren't as close.

 

I'll just have to flirt with these women and see how they respond, or ask them out and see if they yes.

 

I guess I have this feeling like women are being constantly hit on and harassed by men, and they just want men to leave them alone already. I realize that's not a likely attitude for women who show up at dances, because those women are obviously there because they want the company of men, and many of them are probably hoping that some man will make a move and ask them out. I can clearly see that those women make the effort to put on an attractive dress and look nice, and got asked to dance by 4 or 5 women the last time I went dancing, but I still have this feeling like women really wish that men would just leave them alone. Hmmm.....

 

Yes, you never will know for sure unless you ask them....

 

If they politely decline (at least a few will, unless you are Brad Pitt), they will do so gently in most cases. Here are some of the ways women have declined my invitation to go out:

- I already have a boyfriend

- I'm really busy with school/job and don't really hangout that much

- Maybe, once I get to know you a little better...we'll see

- Thanks, but I'm not interested (<== happened exactly once)

 

Now with regard to awkwardness when you meet again, I've been there too. Two recent examples:

1> Went out with a 23 yo for coffee, then bumped into her at Target. She was actually happy to see me and hugged me.

2> Went out with the 26 yo receptionist at the office for coffee, but she would avoid eye contact when we used to bump into each other at work.

 

So some women will be flattered that you asked them out even if they decline, and be friendly towards you, others will feel awkward. What is important is how you behave: you should just go about your business because you have nothing to be ashamed about. You liked her and asked her out, she declined. Your demeanor or behavior should not be impacted by her response. If her behavior changes, it's her problem, not yours.

[xxoo]

I guess I have this feeling like women are being constantly hit on and harassed by men, and they just want men to leave them alone already. I realize that's not a likely attitude for women who show up at dances, because those women are obviously there because they want the company of men, and many of them are probably hoping that some man will make a move and ask them out. I can clearly see that those women make the effort to put on an attractive dress and look nice, and got asked to dance by 4 or 5 women the last time I went dancing, but I still have this feeling like women really wish that men would just leave them alone. Hmmm.....

 

Goodness, no! Women want great love and sex and romance and need to interact with men to find that

 

Here's the secret: an interested women will make it easy. She'll meet your eye contact, laugh at your jokes, place herself near you in proximity, contribute to and extend conversations, and open opportunities for you to ask her out.

 

An uninterested woman (maybe she has a crush on someone else in the class) will not make things easy for you. She'll give shorter answers, have a flatter affect, etc.

 

Observe these differences. To do so, you need to talk to lots of women in the room. Be social.