lilacwine Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 A while ago I accidentally bumped into a guy I used to know from a club we both joined from 10 years ago. Haven't seen him at all in 10 years. He's now married with two kids. I'm divorced and single. We had a little chit chat and he now knows about my current status, ie divorced. He doesn't know whether I'm single or in a relationship. He asked for my number and I just gave him mine out of politeness. A few weeks ago, he texted me asking me out for coffee. I refused. And then a few days ago, he asked me out for coffee again. In the past, he never asked me out, but he knew i was in a relationship back then, so probably that's why he didn't. So, what is his motive? Is he genuinely interested in being friends or fishing for someone to be his OW? I'm paranoid even at the thought of being with another MM for coffee so of course I refused again (background: i'm at 11 months NC with x-mm). Hope he gets the message this time. But still, am I too over-protective of myself? Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 Lilac, NO married man can be friends with you. He has made a vow to forsake all others. Being friends with single woman would not be acceptable to his wife I am sure. If he is approaching you, it can't be with good intentions. It doesn't matter why you think it might be. You should be fiercely protective of yourself because you have been hurt before. MM= NO. Poppy. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilacwine Posted July 7, 2016 Author Share Posted July 7, 2016 Lilac, NO married man can be friends with you. He has made a vow to forsake all others. Being friends with single woman would not be acceptable to his wife I am sure. If he is approaching you, it can't be with good intentions. It doesn't matter why you think it might be. You should be fiercely protective of yourself because you have been hurt before. MM= NO. Poppy. Thank you Poppy. I need this reassurance. Rather lose a potential friend then risk being hurt again. Of course, he would have no chance because I have absolutely no romantic interest in him. But what's the point of having coffee a few times just to find out his real motive is to get into my pants. That'd be too insulting. ) Link to post Share on other sites
loveisanaction Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 If he really wants to be just platonic friends with you then there should be no problem if his wife joins you both for coffee. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie888 Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 Of course he is intendingfor you to be OW. NoMM has any business getting numbers and having coffee with single woman. Why did yiuneven give him yiur #? The appropriate response when MM as ks for your # is "Id rather not because you are married". You know the oft quoted "MM are good at two things: tellimg lies and finding people to believe those lies"? Well it seems you are one of those people if you are attracting MM. Id work on toughening up your personal boundaries around MM. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 Thank you Poppy. I need this reassurance. Rather lose a potential friend then risk being hurt again. Of course, he would have no chance because I have absolutely no romantic interest in him. But what's the point of having coffee a few times just to find out his real motive is to get into my pants. That'd be too insulting. ) The danger is not having romantic interest. So often you hear that from MW/OW as a prelude to an affair. It's easy to set boundaries when you know your attracted, harder when it sneaks up on you. A firm no will do, if he gets pushy ask him to invite his wife also you would like to meet her, that should do the trick. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie888 Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 Exactly ^^ just bc you have no attraction to him now doesnt mean it couldnt develop. Happens all the time. Dont even put yourself in a position where a MM has an opportunity to ask for your #. Find non married or female friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilacwine Posted July 7, 2016 Author Share Posted July 7, 2016 The danger is not having romantic interest. So often you hear that from MW/OW as a prelude to an affair. It's easy to set boundaries when you know your attracted, harder when it sneaks up on you. A firm no will do, if he gets pushy ask him to invite his wife also you would like to meet her, that should do the trick. Wow, I never thought of it this way. Having no interest in him actually puts me in a dangerous position. hahaha... Ok, cool, thank God I refused him already. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilacwine Posted July 7, 2016 Author Share Posted July 7, 2016 Of course he is intendingfor you to be OW. NoMM has any business getting numbers and having coffee with single woman. Why did yiuneven give him yiur #? The appropriate response when MM as ks for your # is "Id rather not because you are married". You know the oft quoted "MM are good at two things: tellimg lies and finding people to believe those lies"? Well it seems you are one of those people if you are attracting MM. Id work on toughening up your personal boundaries around MM. God, you may be right. Being broken-hearted my whole life, maybe I give off the vibe of being lonely and vulnerable. MMs are smart with women and can pick it up real quick then. (( Thank god I finally learn my lessons. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 Exactly ^^ just bc you have no attraction to him now doesnt mean it couldnt develop. Happens all the time. Dont even put yourself in a position where a MM has an opportunity to ask for your #. Find non married or female friends. We have to learn from our experience with infidelity. Case and point, I have roughly 85 female employees 2/3 in my age range. Maybe 20% of them have approached me with what I would call feelers maybe fishing. Prior to my wife's affair I doubt I would have noticed the intent behind their approach. You know his intent, or else you wouldn't have your radar on red alert. That is growth, 5 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 The next time he invites you out tell him you would love to meet his wife and will meet him for coffee if he brings her too. That will probably be the last you hear from him. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
RedOlive Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 (edited) Agreed. In the pretend "friendship" phase of our relationship I suggested to xMM that I meet his wife. He didn't flat out refused, but never did anything to facilitate it either. He was really good at subtle evading until questions just dissipated. I'm not saying it was all intentional, but it's a major red flag. I was way too deep into my denial to see it for the sign it was. You seem to be very well aware, so i'm sure you'll be fine. For the record - I have other married men real-friends who never hesitated introducing me to their wives. So there. Edited July 7, 2016 by RedOlive 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 You had me at "he asked for my number." Married men don't ask for a woman's number in a social context. Then to follow that up with a request for a coffee date? Your gut instinct is right on the money...he is testing the waters for an affair. Good thing you declined, and did so politely. Continue to decline. If he pushes the issue, I would do as other posters have suggested and tell him you'd love to have coffee with him and his wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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