Jolene Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 I can't help noticing that my bf never admits to his shortcomings and has never said sorry when he says ignorant things like "are you really that needy?" (this is what he said when I suggested last night that he for once tell me a reason why he loves me or likes me, cause he has no problem pointing out inadequacies or inconsistencies). It gets tiring trying to communicate with him when I get stonewalled basically every single time. Is this normal? He says I am too negative and that's the problem....I need to appreciate the good that he brings to my life, and not focus on little innocent comments like "you're just being a nuisance and being stupid, and I don't have the patience for this right now". (that was a comment that came out of the blue on Sunday night when he showed me his paycheck and I was making fun of the way the payroll administrators lay out their numbers so confusing). We've been together for 8 months. I thought we would get married. Lately, he's displayed controlling and arrogant behaviour ("you're being stupid"). He thinks it's okay to point out if I am being a "nuisance" and has invited me to do the same if he is being a jerk. I find this weird because it's like abuse. His one complaint about me discussing the whole issue of how we resolve this conflict is that he always thinks everything is fine and he is so happy, but he says I constantly point out the grey clouds to him when he is quite happy seeing the sunshine. He just can't see how he hurts me. So does that make it okay, I mean can I rationalize it the way he does. He says go ahead and mention to me when I'm being an a**hole, but then let's forget it and move on. "When I made that comment to you about you're being stupid, I was over it in 2 seconds, but you want to make a big thing of it and get all teary eyed and then talk about breaking up the next day....even I have my limit, and nobody wants to live this way... So if this IS the start of something ongoing, then you're right it won't work" When I told him last night I was seriously considering the whole relationship, he laughed a bit at first, said I have mood swings and that I was always pointing out the negative and that he loves me and my son and would not want the relationship to end....but he said that if I need to take a break, not go on our vacation together, or not see him anymore, then I should do that despite his disappointment if it is what I need to do to be emotionally in a better place. But he refuses to change himself or apologize for anything. "How sincere would a forced apology be?" he asked. I wanted him to apologize for the "stupid" comment. So how can someone proclaim they love you, but not be able to discuss how or why they love you? Is that needy? (scuse me!) I just don't know what to do, because he is right about the gestalt (meaning that there are more good times than bad; he does an awful lot for me and we usually get along great until he comes out with a whopping ignorant comment and man! I just don't what to do with it) But will I always be able to get through it by saying he loves me and that makes it all better? I am beginning to wonder if it is love or if it is just something he says from time to time to keep getting in my pants. Sounds bad, but reality hurts sometimes. I think there are guys out there that will say or do almost anything just to keep the sex. Is that all I'm going to be to him, cause he doesn't seem to be very sensitive otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Opium Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 A man can get sex anywhere, why would he stay with you just for the sex. If he's not respectful of your wishes and feelings why are you still with him. Of course breaking up isn't always the best solution but you've tried talking to him and he brushes it off saying your to emotional or clingly or overreacting. This is no way to have a relationship in my opinion. He laughs in your face because he's ignorant and doesn't respect you. If he calls you stupid, say "oh thank you my lovely azzhole, what would I do without your dumbazz"! Play his game to but make fun of it, say it with a nice singing voice and he will squirm in his pants if he really cares about you. Ignore the comments if he tells you their innocent, leave him, or play the game with him. You do have choices in life so make one. You have a son to worry about too, I hope he doesn't make comments like this to your son. Instead of Hunny, call him azzhole, Instead of Sweety call him stupid, Instead of calling him Babe call him Fartnocker, get my point!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jolene Posted June 28, 2005 Author Share Posted June 28, 2005 Thanks for the smile. I have threatened him with breaking up twice. He doesn't take it seriously now, and I wonder what this does to the relationship. He says he has limits and is tired. Indifference? I get your message, and I will definitely definitely take your advice because it sounds like so much fun!!!! It's better than getting all teary-eyed (you know, needy and pathetic). Link to post Share on other sites
Opium Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Don't worry it will be fine! You don't have to threatened him with a separation for him to take you seriously, he should do it automatically. You need to put your foot down and show him you're strong and you're hurt. Be aggressive but don't threaten him, it won't work with a guy like him. Sometimes reverse psychology works, be nonchalant and ignore his comments, he says he loves you believe him no man would put up with an emotional woman if he didn't love her or care for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jolene Posted June 28, 2005 Author Share Posted June 28, 2005 "Be aggressive but don't threaten him, it won't work with a guy like him." Can you be more specific re the above quote? very interesting, but even more interesting to me is to know what have I already done by now to the relationship or his emotional levels since I've used this threat already twice. I guess he doesn't believe in three strikes and you're out, huh? Likewise, have I damaged the relationship too much this way? Just curious. You are clever. Most people say ditch him, but he is right about there being a lot of finer qualities in our relationship. No, he does not abuse my son verbally. I will cross that bridge if we get there, which I sincerely hope we do not. For one reason or another, we may be able to smoothe over these bumps if I can be less emotional and like you said...emulate his behaviour so that he can see how it feels in return. I've done that a few times, and it seems to work. It's just waiting for the right moment that kills me...but it works! Link to post Share on other sites
Opium Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Can you be more specific re the above quote? very interesting, but even more interesting to me is to know what have I already done by now to the relationship or his emotional levels since I've used this threat already twice. I guess he doesn't believe in three strikes and you're out, huh? Likewise, have I damaged the relationship too much this way? Just curious. Well from what you discribed to me, he seems very arrogant and self-assured, which sometimes can work to your advantage if it were a different situation. But as far as arrogant goes, he doesn't seem to be bothered by petty things and doesn't really put much attention or effort when you nag. He seems to think he has you wrapped around his little finger and seems to me he thinks he's brighter than you. Of course calling you stupid is not nice but he must get that from somewhere don't you think? You've threaten him before so why take you seriously this time? He probably takes your comments and complaints as "oh no here we go again"! Actions speak louder than words, if you're going to threaten him with something go through with it so he can take you seriously. If you say I don't like when you call me stupid look at him in the face, stop what your doing and say "Can you please stop calling me stupid" and just leave! Don't stand their and nag him and lecture him on how it hurts your feelings. Turn your hurt into motions and you'll get a better response from him. He's an action man, not very well in talking. Is this better? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jolene Posted June 28, 2005 Author Share Posted June 28, 2005 Arrogant and self-assured. I wonder how a person gets like that. Is it a blessing? Am I the weaker for having a heart on my sleeve? I dunno. My sister is pretty self-assured. Like him, she is emotionally retarded sometimes but she's a fair and reasonable person who will be there when you really need her. I hope I can just focus on that kind of dynamic and he probably won't let me down in the longrun. I think it would suffice to say that living together and having two people in close quarters day after day can sometimes elicit crankiness in the best of us. Thanks for your wonderful advice. If I could find a way of being more self-assured, I would do it!!! It's tough to do that when you're a single mother...at least I find that anyway. But I must do this and find a way! It would be so great to be more confident. Link to post Share on other sites
Opium Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by Jolene Arrogant and self-assured. I wonder how a person gets like that. Is it a blessing? Am I the weaker for having a heart on my sleeve? I dunno. My sister is pretty self-assured. Like him, she is emotionally retarded sometimes but she's a fair and reasonable person who will be there when you really need her. I hope I can just focus on that kind of dynamic and he probably won't let me down in the longrun. I think it would suffice to say that living together and having two people in close quarters day after day can sometimes elicit crankiness in the best of us. Thanks for your wonderful advice. If I could find a way of being more self-assured, I would do it!!! It's tough to do that when you're a single mother...at least I find that anyway. But I must do this and find a way! It would be so great to be more confident. NO PROBLEM! I glad I can help you as much as I have. I'm not expert but I have delt with arrogant, self-assured men before, and woman for that matter. You have to treat them a little differently than you would layed back, nonchalant people. You'll be fine and remember just because he's your SO doesn't mean he has the right to treat you bad. Don't be afraid to put your foot down and don't be afraid to lose him. Just how you found him you'll find another, maybe someone who compliments you instead of puting you down and calling you names. I wish you luck and let me know what happens, PM if you like. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jolene Posted June 28, 2005 Author Share Posted June 28, 2005 Don't be afraid to put your foot down and don't be afraid to lose him. Is it a losing battle with these people? Do they enjoy tormenting and breaking up or something? He is 38 and never married. I found it interesting that he already has a headstone in the graveyard where his grandmother is being buried. Wouldn't a man who intended to marry reserve this decision until marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
outdated Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Ahhh, the honeymoon's over. This is when the true colors show through. Fun isn't it? Confusing? Heart breaking? People are on their best behavior for the first six to eight months, then they fall into the comfort zone where they figure, "well, she's stuck around this long, where the hell is she gonna go now?" So you gotta ask yourself, is this ever gonna change? Probably not. So you then gotta ask yourself, is it worth it? You already know the answer. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 We've been together for 8 months. I thought we would get married. Lately, he's displayed controlling and arrogant behaviour ("you're being stupid"). He thinks it's okay to point out if I am being a "nuisance" and has invited me to do the same if he is being a jerk. This is why you should never decide to marry anyone until you've known him at least a year. This is the 'real' man and this is the way you'll live forever should you marry him. I completely disagree with Opium. 'Reverse psychology', insulting him back, etc. will NOT change him. You are seeing his true nature. Understand this: love is about actions, not words. Do you not get that the worst abusers also say they love the women they abuse? His treatment of you is unacceptable and it will NOT change. Do not marry this man. Drop him. Link to post Share on other sites
outdated Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme Do not marry this man. Drop him. Yep. Didn't have the heart to say it. Link to post Share on other sites
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