Taking a break...

[BettyDraper]

I apologize for starting another thread about my mother. It's just that there has been a new development and I wanted to hear from LS members who are also not speaking to toxic parents.

 

Last week, my husband made another phone call to my father. He made one near the end of last year regarding my mother's comments about my weight. This phone call was to let my father know that he and my mother wouldn't be hearing from us as we need space. My husband does not tell me when he is going to speak to my father. However, I deeply respect my husband for standing up for me. Speaking to my mother is pointless since she is verbally abusive and very irrational. My husband knows that I have a very close relationship with my father so he talks to my dad whenever my mother is being ridiculous and cruel. I will never take my hurt feelings to my mother again because she will just minimize them and put me down even more.

 

I have mentioned here that I live with Complex PTSD. Recently, my mother told me that she respects my husband for marrying me with that illness because not a lot of men would. Though there is truth to my mother's comment due to the stigma of mental illness, I don't think that her words were necessary or supportive. My guess is that she is lashing out because I have made it clear that I am not interested in a friendship with her. She wants to go on trips together as well as have me stay in my parents house without my husband. She also wants to stay in our home. My mother also expects me to call her more than once a month and I will not do that as I don't enjoy speaking to her. I have politely declined these invitations because of my mother's nature. My mother usually has a negative and insulting comment whenever I share good news with her. There was a lot of abuse in my childhood from her and it continued into adulthood until I fled. My guess is that she is hurting because I have rejected her overtures for friendship so she takes shots at me. There will be no more of that for now. I realize that my mother is not going to change so I choose to distance myself from her.

 

My father tried to call me after my husband spoke to him. I did not return his call. Yesterday, my mother reached out to be via FaceTime and I declined that call as well. It's time for me to start taking care of myself. There was some sadness and guilt at first but now I realize that I am making the best decision for my emotional well being. I don't have a time limit on how long I will need a break from my parents. I cannot be in contact with my father because he will only pressure me to speak to my mother. He is sympathetic when my mother is mean and chastises her but the nasty comments never stop for long. My mother is a narcissist who is accustomed to my family members doing whatever she wants and tolerating her nonsense. Part of the reason she dislikes me is I don't put up with her antics and I've called her out. I also do not allow her to run my life.

 

I don't know how my mother can have the gall to seek friendship from me. That woman was physically and verbally abusive when I was growing up. Her repeated requests for spending time together sicken me. She has a hard time respecting boundaries. I cherish my father as he is the complete opposite. My father never even gave me a light slap as a child let alone the beatings I received from my mom. My father never swore at me or called me names. He has always been supportive and kind. The only mistake he made was not doing more to stop my mother from hurting me but I forgive him as he was just afraid of my mom. My father didn't stand up for me until I was diagnosed with CPTSD and my parents both felt very guilty.

[BettyDraper]

Not one response?

[CarrieT]

Not one response?

 

Didn't seem like you were asking any specific questions, so I'm not sure what type of response you were looking for....

 

I'm curious why you speak to your mother at all, actually.

[BettyDraper]

Didn't seem like you were asking any specific questions, so I'm not sure what type of response you were looking for....

 

I'm curious why you speak to your mother at all, actually.

 

I suppose I was looking for stories about distancing from toxic parents and comments about my situation.

 

I used to speak to my mother out a sense of obligation and being afraid to lose the rest of my of my family.

 

Now I will only briefly speak to her on special occasions.

[Madame_Noire]

OH NO! I spent a good hour typing out a detailed response and it just disappeared!

 

My mother sounds just like yours. She is only out for what she can get. She must have had a strained relationship with her own mother, saw my dad, latched onto him and then got knocked up within a year and moved into his bachelor pad. I personally think she trapped him. Years down the line, she dragged him down the aisle just so that it looks good to the neighbours that she has kids to the same man and is married him. My dad is not happy, he stays out of the house for as long as possible and when he is home, he will stay in another room. If he hangs out with a friend, my mother will call him gay!

 

She says that everyone else, is mentally ill and needs therapy. All she wants is money from other people and feels that it is owed to her because she had kids. She has never worked. She feels now that her kids owe her. All she has done is live on credit cards to subsidise her benefits payments.

 

If she did find a job, she would show off saying she is on more money than me. She worked in the recruitment industry. Then ironically, after 18 months, she was made redundant.

 

All she does is have her hand out and has a sense of entitlement. Maybe if she was more of an attentive and loving mother, I would be happy to help her. I asked her many years ago to lend me £50 so I could extend a loan. She would have had to get it from her line of credit but she had the audacity to asked what my income and expenditure was. I told her not to worry, I will borrow elsewhere. I then thought to myself that I will not forget this day. A couple of years ago, I made the mistake of telling her that I had few thousands saved for either a rainy day or early retirement. She scoffed and said that I would never be able to afford to retire early. A couple of weeks after that, she called my partner saying that she gave birth to me and wants my help. She asked me to lend her my life savings so that she would no to be evicted. I asked if she has been summoned to court and given an eviction date, no, all she has had is the eviction letter from the landlord. I also told her that I cannot lend her the money, it is investment account. I know what would have happened if I did lend her the money, I would not get it back again, she would say that it should be a gift because she had me and fed me etc.

 

Erm, that was her choice to not use contraception. I didn't ask to be born. I do not bother with her now. I will begrudgingly call her on her birthday or Christmas but I just want the call to be quick because I get very anxious when I speak to her.

 

When I went to school, I was called ugly by the girls at school.. I was not comforted or reassured at home by her. If she was upset for any reason, she would take it out on me and say that I am ugly. Funnily enough, I am the double of her, so she must be twice as ugly because I have half of her genetics!

 

It must grieve her that her first born doesn't have the typical, happy mother daughter relationship. It all came to a head at Christmas last year, my sister who was feeling the toxicity from her left the house for good and went to stay in a women's refuge.

 

My sister has been dating a guy of a different culture, I think my mother does not like it. She says the guy is too weak and still clutches onto his mother's apron strings. He is of the culture that states they should stick to their own and then get married (possibly arranged by parents) and then they move in together. That culture also honours their parents. My mother has said, she wished us kids would help her out like how other people help their kids. My mother would spit vitriol to my sister saying he will never marry her and his parents will never accept my sister etc (his parents do not accept or want to meet my sister). They have been together for 3 years. My sister will then cause drama saying "Mom is still upset about what you did when you were a teenager " and " All you do is work in a dead end job!" At least I earn my own money and do not live on welfare. She is in tens of thousands of pounds worth of debt. She keeps asking me to lend her money. I told her to go bankrupt.

 

As soon as I turned 18 , when she stopped receiving benefits for me, she more or less pushed me out saying that she is not getting money to feed me. I then had to sofa-surf. To be honest, when I was younger and being exposed to her abuse, I could not wait to leave home. I said I would never look back when I did. I have no regrets. I do not even wish I had a great mother/daughter relationship like so many people do at work. I came into this work on my own and I will go on my own.

 

I do not have alot to do with my family. I have made a family with the loyal friends I have chosen.

[friendlyfriend]

I’ve never had ‘toxic parents’ in the sense of their being mean to me, but when my mother got older, she became ‘toxic’ to be around. She had lived with us for 12 years, but eventually she was just to negative and critical of my wife, so we had to have her move into a senior living place, where she lived until she passed at age 81.

I was torn with how to be a good son to her, without being ‘poisoned’ by her upsetting tone and behavior. She actually was quite a handful for the facility where she lived, and had to move at least once. I didn’t have animosity toward her, but it was very ‘testy’ to see her. This is how I handled it:

1) I wanted a good conscience about how I treated my parent, even though it was difficult. I didn’t want the guilt of seemingly always failing when she would push my buttons.

2) At her older age, I could see how much of how she reacted was from her childhood, but she did try to be the best mom she could.

3) I wanted to forgive her so that I would be free of those negative feelings. So over time, with prayer, I was able to do that and see her in a new light that made it much easier to be around her.

4) I structured a set limit of time that I would be with her. I would go see her every week, but only for an hour. While I was there, I would do whatever made it good for her, but in 1 hour I found a reason to leave.

This is a bit different situation from the other posts, but I think the goals and strategies might give some food for thought.

[BettyDraper]

I’ve never had ‘toxic parents’ in the sense of their being mean to me, but when my mother got older, she became ‘toxic’ to be around. She had lived with us for 12 years, but eventually she was just to negative and critical of my wife, so we had to have her move into a senior living place, where she lived until she passed at age 81.

I was torn with how to be a good son to her, without being ‘poisoned’ by her upsetting tone and behavior. She actually was quite a handful for the facility where she lived, and had to move at least once. I didn’t have animosity toward her, but it was very ‘testy’ to see her. This is how I handled it:

1) I wanted a good conscience about how I treated my parent, even though it was difficult. I didn’t want the guilt of seemingly always failing when she would push my buttons.

2) At her older age, I could see how much of how she reacted was from her childhood, but she did try to be the best mom she could.

3) I wanted to forgive her so that I would be free of those negative feelings. So over time, with prayer, I was able to do that and see her in a new light that made it much easier to be around her.

4) I structured a set limit of time that I would be with her. I would go see her every week, but only for an hour. While I was there, I would do whatever made it good for her, but in 1 hour I found a reason to leave.

This is a bit different situation from the other posts, but I think the goals and strategies might give some food for thought.

 

Sorry that I just saw this.

 

I do pray for my mother and myself. The most I can do is call her on special occasions and see her when I am in the country she lives in now. If my mother was here, seeing her every week would be far too stressful as she loves to judge and make snide remarks. I don't like being around people who are constantly unpleasant. I'm sure you can understand that since you had to put your mother in a home due to her behavior towards your wife. That was a good way of handling your mother's issues. I think it would be easier to have a relationship with my mother if she was kind to me my whole life and then became sour due to age related illnesses.

 

I don't think that I will ever forgive my mother completely. I have tried to but her unnecessary cruel comments remind me of why I don't want to be friends with her. It's sad when a mother cannot be kind and supportive of her daughter...especially when that daughter has done very well despite her challenges.

 

My mother tried to FaceTime with me today. I rejected the calls. I am not interested in contact with her.