How often do you see your MM?

[Poppy47]

He's actually not MM. He has a girlfriend and they don't even live together.

Him and I talk on the phone everyday and sometimes we text for hours.

What bothers me is that I only get to see him twice or three times a month.

I feel like he doesn't want to see me more often because he's afraid he might get more emotionally involved.

But when we talk, he tells me how much he cares about me and how attractive he finds me.

Has anyone been thru this? When a man wants you but won't see you as often as you would like?

 

Yes I have been through this. He wanted me when he had spare time, or a day off from his wife as he used to say. There were many of those but he always went home again.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with emotional involvement. The rest of the time he spends with his girlfriend because he chooses to.

 

She is his choice. You are the "go to" girl.

 

Of course he tells you those things. All cheating men do. They know that's what women like to hear. It's to keep you hanging around until he has another spare day.

 

He sounds like a classic cake eater. As Natalie Lue from Baggage Reclaim said.... don't give out cake ! You will gain some valuable insights if you read her posts on Baggage Reclaim.

Cheers,

Poppy

[StrawberriesandCream]

Yes I have been through this. He wanted me when he had spare time, or a day off from his wife as he used to say. There were many of those but he always went home again.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with emotional involvement. The rest of the time he spends with his girlfriend because he chooses to.

 

She is his choice. You are the "go to" girl.

 

Of course he tells you those things. All cheating men do. They know that's what women like to hear. It's to keep you hanging around until he has another spare day.

 

He sounds like a classic cake eater. As Natalie Lue from Baggage Reclaim said.... don't give out cake ! You will gain some valuable insights if you read her posts on Baggage Reclaim.

Cheers,

Poppy

 

So the daily texting and calling is to make sure I'm still around?

And the sweet talking is to make me believe he wants me?

 

Thank you for the suggestion. I will look into her posts.

[Eighty_nine]

^well have you ever indicated to him that you're not comfortable with this arrangement? It doesn't tell a man you have a lot of respect for yourself if you're willing to be his "side piece". Have you ever cut contact with him or let him know you're not OK with this? If so then yeah, the sweet talk might be to keep you around.

[StrawberriesandCream]

^well have you ever indicated to him that you're not comfortable with this arrangement? It doesn't tell a man you have a lot of respect for yourself if you're willing to be his "side piece". Have you ever cut contact with him or let him know you're not OK with this? If so then yeah, the sweet talk might be to keep you around.

 

When he says he can't meet I just usually say whatever because I don't want him to think that I'm desperate to see him.

After that he usually comes up with another time to meet and keeps sweet talking in the meantime.

[Poppy47]

So the daily texting and calling is to make sure I'm still around?

And the sweet talking is to make me believe he wants me?

 

Thank you for the suggestion. I will look into her posts.[/quote

 

I was in a long A. xMM would always make sure he had a couple of things planned for the future. I call them hooks.

 

When I broke up with him, he had something planned for 3 months ahead and then another thing for next year.

 

I recently deleted thousands of romantic emails, yesterday trashed all his poems, cards and "snail mail" love letters.

 

Did he do it all for his own selfish reasons? My theory is that he had to give a single woman a bloody good reason to stay in a relationship with him. Am I the world's greatest cynic? Probably but with good reason.

 

xMM was a master manipulator and could pin point just how to play people. He used to tell how he did it with his family.

 

Don't let him play you like a fish on a hook. Tell him to put his head where the sun doesn't shine.

 

Poppy.

[StrawberriesandCream]

So the daily texting and calling is to make sure I'm still around?

And the sweet talking is to make me believe he wants me?

 

Thank you for the suggestion. I will look into her posts.[/quote

 

I was in a long A. xMM would always make sure he had a couple of things planned for the future. I call them hooks.

 

When I broke up with him, he had something planned for 3 months ahead and then another thing for next year.

 

I recently deleted thousands of romantic emails, yesterday trashed all his poems, cards and "snail mail" love letters.

 

Did he do it all for his own selfish reasons? My theory is that he had to give a single woman a bloody good reason to stay in a relationship with him. Am I the world's greatest cynic? Probably but with good reason.

 

xMM was a master manipulator and could pin point just how to play people. He used to tell how he did it with his family.

 

Don't let him play you like a fish on a hook. Tell him to put his head where the sun doesn't shine.

 

Poppy.

 

I know exactly where you coming from.

I used to be cynical. I didn't trust anyone, never believed in anything anyone had to say. Because of this, now I know, I have lost a few good people in my life. Who wants to be with someone who questions every word and action?

Anyways, then I met his guy and we started as friends. He's the first person in a very long that I feel comfortable with. Unfortunately, I can't just tell him to go to hell because he has been a very good friend. We have a lot in common, sometimes we talk/ text all day long. Sadly or not, that's the truth.

[wmacbride]

You have answered your own questions, if only you'll allow yourself to see it.

 

here we have a man, who is not married nor even living with his girlfriend, yet he is 'trapped"? he is NOT trapped. If he is so unhappy, so wanting to be with you, why has he not taken steps to make that happen?

 

I wonder if he is living with her or married and just lying to you about it.

 

about the texting. I wouldn't read too much into that. it only takes a couple of seconds, and , to be frank, it's a lazy way to communicate. it's easy, and doesn't require much effort to keep you hooked, and he knows that.

 

If he is so unhappy with his girlfriend, he could break up with her. Yes, that would take a backbone on his part, but you are enabling him in staying in this relationship he claims to feel trapped in. So long as he has you, he can still keep his status quo with her, making him a coward. He is no knight in shining armor.

[BuddyX]

How about you eliminate sex from the equation and see what happens?

You're admitting that you can't be alone. You need a man in your life. That's an unhealthy path

[Poppy47]

 

I know exactly where you coming from.

I used to be cynical. I didn't trust anyone, never believed in anything anyone had to say. Because of this, now I know, I have lost a few good people in my life. Who wants to be with someone who questions every word and action?

Anyways, then I met his guy and we started as friends. He's the first person in a very long that I feel comfortable with. Unfortunately, I can't just tell him to go to hell because he has been a very good friend. We have a lot in common, sometimes we talk/ text all day long. Sadly or not, that's the truth.

 

He has NOT been a friend to you. No friend would use you like he does. He is making sure you feel comfortable with him. You should be questioning why he is still with her and not with you. He isn't married to her and he could break it off if he really wanted to.

 

It's easy for him to text you all day. He might be doing it while he's with his girlfriend. You would never know. It's the actual physical being with you that's not happening.

Poppy.

[StrawberriesandCream]

 

He has NOT been a friend to you. No friend would use you like he does. He is making sure you feel comfortable with him. You should be questioning why he is still with her and not with you. He isn't married to her and he could break it off if he really wanted to.

 

It's easy for him to text you all day. He might be doing it while he's with his girlfriend. You would never know. It's the actual physical being with you that's not happening.

Poppy.

 

You're right about texting but since I love to text and do it all the time with all of my friends I'm guilty as well.

With him, we went from being acquaintances to where we are by mostly texting.I'm not defending him. I'm saying that I do it too and would be hurt if one of my other friends told me to go to hell because I rely on texting to keep in touch.

As the other stuff, you're so right. He's not married and he could walk away any time. Strangely enough, he also complained to our mutual friend and our friend told him to leave her!

[loveisanaction]

Unfortunately, I can't just tell him to go to hell because he has been a very good friend. We have a lot in common, sometimes we talk/ text all day long. Sadly or not, that's the truth.

 

...and there it is. You're staying put.

 

So the confusion, the pondering and the wondering will continue.

[elaine567]

He sees you 2-3 x a month as that is what suits him, that may be the only time he can see you, due to his gf, or maybe he has another OW and so has no real time to see you more frequently.

 

You may be basking in his texting you everyday but as others have said it is very easy to text and is no indication of how he really feels about you.

Tell him you are leaving your partner for him right now, sometimes that will sort out those who are just users or cake eaters and have no intention of taking things any further.

For some an OW with a partner is great, she doesn't expect too much of him. An OW with no partner can be a pain in the neck as she then starts demanding his time, time he doesn't want to give her.

[sunshine151]

We are together more than 2 years. From the beginning we are living together. I'm divorced and have children. He has a wife and children in another state. Half of the time he spends there, half here. More than a year ago he asked me to quit my job and be part of his company cause he needed support from a person of trust. I'm now managing his company , working as his deputy. Eventhough my biggest motivation was my love for him when accepting this job, I must admit it's the best that I could have, since I feel like my own boss, I do as I wish and I get payed much more than I can spend.

He is great with my kids, he makes all my wishes come true. He is almost perfect when he is here. But then he goes back to her, and while he is there he very rarely calls me. She is managing his company in the other state. I'm sometimes in contact with her, she doesn't know about us.

At the beginning I though their relationship is not good, after some time I understood he still loves her. Maybe he doesn't feel passion anymore about her , since they've been together for very long, and i'm much younger than her. I don't really want him to leave her, cause in some way I hope that when he's not in my country she is controlling him more, since I cannot still leave my life that I have here, and go there with him. So I alredy accepted her. She wanted to come in my country a week ago to see where her husband is living, maybe she was worried cause lately he is finding reasons to stay longer here. I told him that if he brings her in our apartment I will never walk in anymore cause all our neighbors will understand that i'm not the wife as we're saying and it is killing me just thinking about it.

My biggest desire is to become his wife, but I understood talking to him about it doesn't help, so now I started convincing myself and him I don't want it anymore.

He says and it's true, He's behaving me as his wife in every way.

It's only that when he goes back to her, I fell forgotten.

He jokes sometimes about telling her, but I don't fell it will happen soon.

She must know there's someone in his life, but probably she believes it's not that deep so she doesn't open that subject.

When he's not around I have all the space, for which i was hoping i will have in a relationship and now when i have it i don't really enjoy in it.

[MissBee]

He's actually not MM. He has a girlfriend and they don't even live together.

Him and I talk on the phone everyday and sometimes we text for hours.

What bothers me is that I only get to see him twice or three times a month.

I feel like he doesn't want to see me more often because he's afraid he might get more emotionally involved.

But when we talk, he tells me how much he cares about me and how attractive he finds me.

Has anyone been thru this? When a man wants you but won't see you as often as you would like?

 

Yes, it's a horrible waste of time, and when you do move on and find a man who can see you as often as you both want and doesn't need to hold back, it's a beautiful thing and makes the former situation seem even more absurd. I've been an OW more than once, both unwittingly at first, and I can tell you that, it's one thing to be an OW where you are not emotionally into the MM and it's just about sex, and he's out of sight and out of mind otherwise...but the problem and hurt come in when you are treating this man like you would a normal single bf and having normal single partner expectations of him...that's when disappointment and hurt eventually set in, as a man who is keeping up appearances and has a gf or wife and is hiding you, will simply be UNABLE, no matter what his texts say, to provide you with the level of care and attention you want- as you're realizing. It's up to you to decide why and if it's worth it. If you had a single guy who also couldn't see you much, what would you do?

Edited July 12, 2016 by MissBee

[Lady2163]

We are together more than 2 years. From the beginning we are living together. I'm divorced and have children. He has a wife and children in another state. Half of the time he spends there, half here. More than a year ago he asked me to quit my job and be part of his company cause he needed support from a person of trust. I'm now managing his company , working as his deputy. Eventhough my biggest motivation was my love for him when accepting this job, I must admit it's the best that I could have, since I feel like my own boss, I do as I wish and I get payed much more than I can spend.

He is great with my kids, he makes all my wishes come true. He is almost perfect when he is here. But then he goes back to her, and while he is there he very rarely calls me. She is managing his company in the other state. I'm sometimes in contact with her, she doesn't know about us.

At the beginning I though their relationship is not good, after some time I understood he still loves her. Maybe he doesn't feel passion anymore about her , since they've been together for very long, and i'm much younger than her. I don't really want him to leave her, cause in some way I hope that when he's not in my country she is controlling him more, since I cannot still leave my life that I have here, and go there with him. So I alredy accepted her. She wanted to come in my country a week ago to see where her husband is living, maybe she was worried cause lately he is finding reasons to stay longer here. I told him that if he brings her in our apartment I will never walk in anymore cause all our neighbors will understand that i'm not the wife as we're saying and it is killing me just thinking about it.

My biggest desire is to become his wife, but I understood talking to him about it doesn't help, so now I started convincing myself and him I don't want it anymore.

He says and it's true, He's behaving me as his wife in every way.

It's only that when he goes back to her, I fell forgotten.

He jokes sometimes about telling her, but I don't fell it will happen soon.

She must know there's someone in his life, but probably she believes it's not that deep so she doesn't open that subject.

When he's not around I have all the space, for which i was hoping i will have in a relationship and now when i have it i don't really enjoy in it.

 

Ohmigosh. You need to save money big time. IF AND WHEN she finds out, you may not just be out a boyfriend, but without a job. He may have deemed you qualified, but without the personal connection another company may NOT.

 

Back to the original post:

I was long distance with XMM. 6-8 times a year I would travel to his city and stay for 2-3 days. There were a couple of times I met him at trade shows. We didn't spend very many nights together.

 

When I was in his location, I was very thorough in questioning him regarding his schedule. I told him I wasn't trying to control him, I wanted to know when he was busy or not able to see me so I could plan other things. I explained to him that just sitting around all day waiting for him to call and then not being able to meet that day/night would not make me happy. To be honest, even when we were supposed to get together, I often had back up plans.

 

I'm a bit of a workaholic and my work is long, hard work. When I'd go see him, I'd sleep in the hotel an awful lot. So, he had to work to piss me off by standing me up. Which he didn't do. In the seven years we were together if we saw each other 100 times, there were probably only two times he had to inconveniently cancel.