basil67 Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 I'd be alarmed because he's personalised his dislike towards your son. It's one thing for him to not like your parenting strategies (the bedtime routine sounds like you could do with a bit of professional advice) but it's another thing altogether to dislike your child. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 Boyfriend also said that he does not think my son is cute, he thinks he is a jerk, and he kind of dislikes him but treats him well because he loves me. It creeped me out to hear it. This is (to me) the most disturbing part of your post. Your 47 year old BF is calling a 3-year-old, "a jerk?" Does he not know kids? ALL kids that age exhibit jerk-like behavior. That's just what they do! That doesn't mean your son is a jerk the way a 20-year-old is a jerk. Your son deserves to have a male figure in his life who, despite a lack of biological connection, actually likes and cares for him, and not just because of you. If you keep seeing this man, just make sure you squirrel away enough money to pay for your son's eventual therapy bills. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 He does stay over sometimes (which my very good and trusted family therapist says is perfectly fine). Speaking of family therapist, I'm going to talk to her about this next week. My fear is that even IF boyfriend always did his best to be decent to son, son wld feel rejected by both bf and me. So far that doesn't seem to be happening at all, but this is new information and it disturbs me. You really think bf sounds like jerk? And not just a childless adult who doesn't enjoy my toddler? I'm wondering too. He did tell me in the manner of getting it off his chest and saying it bothered him. But it was also during a conversation when he felt I wasn't looking at him enough while he was talking, which he found rude... That was weird too. LOL, and he doesn't think it's rude to openly tell someone that their family member (any family member and ESPECIALLY their child) is ugly and a jerk? I agree with the previous posters, what was his purpose for telling you this? It's not like he offered any constructive criticism on your parenting methods or the child's behaviour. Plus, does the fact that he doesn't find your son cute affect how he will treat him in the future? Cause the very fact he mentioned it means that it's obviously something that bothers him. To be honest, he seems very immature and petty, as well as having some characteristics that I can't find desireable in a person. You say that he has been amazing so far, but it could be that you are just getting to know him better (you gave been dating only a year and a half which isn't that much) and seeing new sides of him. If you are not yet willing to leave this relationship, I would at least minimize any contact he has with your son. I'd like to also add that as a single mother, I'd dump a guy who would say this to me about my daughter. Not because I think that everyone has to find her as beautiful and amazing as I do, but because openly telling someone something like this makes them an insensitive, rude a-hole. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 The fact that your boyfriend told you how he feels is surprising. Not knowing him or you, I can't really say if that's a good thing or a bad thing. On one hand, honesty is good. On the other, knowing when to shut up is also a good thing. As far as your son, let me be blunt. Most 3 year olds annoy the heck out of anybody who isn't their mother. Most men are not wired to love or even like another man's child. This goes back to our more animal instincts. I have noticed women all over the internet who think that their kid is the #1 thing in the world and that everyone else should love their kid. It just isn't realistic. If you intend to marry this guy or have a long term relationship with him, you have to realize that the relationship has to be first in your life. Your kid comes second. It sounds CRAZY, I know, but making the adult relationship a priority has major benefits. It creates stability and demonstrates the love and respect your son will need modeled for him to have successful relationships later in life. The big issue right now is - does he he treat you with respect? Does he treat your kid well? As long as he acts with kindness and respect toward both of you, he has a right to feel however he wants to without you judging him for it. Just like my feelings and yours, his feelings may change from day to day. Also, consider that your boyfriend may grow to like your son later on. If you feel like something is really wrong, I would encourage you both to seek face-to-face help with someone, not just people on the internet. Getting counseling together could work out some issues and make your relationship stronger for it, and give you an environment where you are both able to freely speak your minds with respect. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 It makes me sad that you would even consider staying with him. Your child is your first priority. Not your bf. Not you. Your child. You had him, so it's now your responsibility to be the strong one, the smart one, so as to give him the best possible life. No offense, but the best gift my mom gave me after my parents divorced was that she didn't date until after I graduated high school, so I didn't have to compete with any boyfriends for her attention. Oh, and go watch a bunch of Supernanny episodes. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 Here's my hot take: His dislike for your child is an extension of his disdain for your ex, especially if you can see a lot of your ex's face in your son's. I dated a woman who had two young children, the oldest being 3 at the outset of the relationship. I took instantly to the younger son, but the 3-year-old girl? No, no, no. She was really difficult, even considering her age, and while I improved my relationship with the girl over the years, it was never that solid, especially compared to the bond I had with the brother. Quite frankly, I still feel guilty about some of the things I did and said to that girl over the years. I'm quite removed from that relationship, but even today, I have moments where I think, "I hope that girl's life isn't worse off for having had me in it," even though I never did anything awful to her. My point is, your son absolutely has to come first. I believe you've mentioned elsewhere that your ex is also dating a woman. I'm not saying this is what's happening, but truthfully, it sounds like both mom and dad are maybe putting their own needs and desires ahead of the boy's. That isn't to suggest you both don't love him, but the last thing a child of divorce needs is to come up where he or she feels secondary to the new romantic partners in the parents' life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 Thank you, this is excellent feedback. He has no children. He wants a child with me, but I'm not willing to have a child with him (much as I'd love to) if he doesn't accept my own child. Unfortunately he may leave if I decide to wait and give it time. I guess that's up to him. But I'd feel so sad, I don't want that. Don't compromise your son for him, even though you think he is 'the one'. Wait it out. This would probably be the test of the relationship, but the boy friend and your son are who they are, and that's it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 Something else that stood out to me: You say you've been with this guy for about a year and a half. You mentioned in a thread last month that you had been separated from your ex for about a year and a half. I take that to mean there was very little time in between relationships. Divorce is emotionally shattering, even if it's the right thing to do. You describe it as "traumatic," because of your ex's personality. My question is: What did you do to emotionally heal from this trauma? When we come out of relationships, especially bad ones, we aren't really thinking objectively. We don't see things as they really are, nor do have the best mindset for making critical decisions. My concern is that you jumped into this new relationship far too soon for you to be able to recognize red flags in the new person. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 Please do not marry this man for obvious reasons. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Aniela Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 Huge red flag. Lived this with a boyfriend of mum's, when I was five. I won't go into the most dramatic part of it, but he finally told mum that he wanted to marry her, but he didn't want me and my sister. She dumped him. I don't know what he expected - maybe that she would send us to live with our dad. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnamonstix Posted July 12, 2016 Share Posted July 12, 2016 This is a HUGE red flag. Your bf has glaring character flaws. If you stay with him and especially if you have another child with him, your son will feel alienated and not like a part of the family. If you think he has no problem telling you that he doesn't like your three year old or find him cute, he will have no problem telling your son he doesn't like him either. It never gets better. I speak from experience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted July 12, 2016 Share Posted July 12, 2016 It's been a few days since the threadstarter has been on the site, so we'll close this up until they return. They can request this thread be reopened via the 'Alert Us' button on this post. Thanks, ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 12, 2016 Share Posted July 12, 2016 (edited) I'm not a parent but this is a no-brainer to me. If folks can claim to not date people because they don't like their dogs...then this case should be 10 times a hell no. If I didn't like a man's child (although he's 3, how is that even possible??? Kids can be annoying and fidgety and moody and all that but I think normal adults realize this and don't take it as a true affront or try to judge a baby's character because of this) then we'd have no future and if a man has verbalized that he doesn't like my 3 year old but tolerates him...that would be it for us. His verbalizing alone is very odd. How can you get over that? Forever knowing he dislikes your kid and tolerates him...and as your son gets older he will be increasingly aware of this and may grow to resent that you seemed to choose a man who doesn't like him over him or in spite of him not liking him. I can't see this turning out well and for me there would be no negotiations or questions asked about this. It would be over and I'd prefer to move on to a man who likes kids and more over likes my own child. Edited July 12, 2016 by MissBee 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Humperdinck Posted July 12, 2016 Share Posted July 12, 2016 I'm not a parent but this is a no-brainer to me. If folks can claim to not date people because they don't like their dogs...then this case should be 10 times a hell no. If I didn't like a man's child (although he's 3, how is that even possible??? Kids can be annoying and fidgety and moody and all that but I think normal adults realize this and don't take it as a true affront or try to judge a baby's character because of this) then we'd have no future and if a man has verbalized that he doesn't like my 3 year old but tolerates him...that would be it for us. His verbalizing alone is very odd. How can you get over that? Forever knowing he dislikes your kid and tolerates him...and as your son gets older he will be increasingly aware of this and may grow to resent that you seemed to choose a man who doesn't like him over him or in spite of him not liking him. I can't see this turning out well and for me there would be no negotiations or questions asked about this. It would be over and I'd prefer to move on to a man who likes kids and more over likes my own child. Right. If he obviously doesn't like your kid - gotta go. Your kid would be so sad otherwise 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissTrudy Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 If you intend to marry this guy or have a long term relationship with him, you have to realize that the relationship has to be first in your life. Your kid comes second. It sounds CRAZY, I know, but making the adult relationship a priority has major benefits. It creates stability and demonstrates the love and respect your son will need modeled for him to have successful relationships later in life. uh no no no. If I'm going to let something grow in my uterus for 9 months and then deliver it into this world, that is going to be my priority, not some man or woman. putting a child second to a partner, especially when this partner is going to be a step-parent (and in this case, a step-parent who clearly does not like the kid), is going to be a major blow to that child's self-esteem and it's going to be hard for them to respect not only others but also themselves. OP, this man basically called your child ugly. to your face. even if it's true, ask yourself, why the hell would he say that to you? what good does that serve? this man has major issues and you're in denial about it. I can understand having difficulties liking a kid that isn't your's but this is ridiculous. does the kid look like your ex? if so he's going to see your ex in your son for the rest of your son's life and that is also not a good thing if he resents your ex. please move on 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts