Shutting down during fights

[NIGHT1985]

This is something I've always faced in my past relationships, especially with my latest one. How do I overcome this? I want to be able to face my partner and express this more emotionally when we have a fight/argument. In the past I would either shutdown, pin the blame on them, or shake it off as something not worth discussing or fighting about.

[Redhead14]

This is something I've always faced in my past relationships, especially with my latest one. How do I overcome this? I want to be able to face my partner and express this more emotionally when we have a fight/argument. In the past I would either shutdown, pin the blame on them, or shake it off as something not worth discussing or fighting about.

 

As soon as you find yourself getting overwhelmed, you take a deep breath and calmly say "hey, this is getting out of hand for me, can we step back from it and so that I/we can collect ourselves so that we can have a calm, intelligent discussion to resolve it". And, then specific later that day, an hour, etc.

[asphyxis]

This is very much so me. I've been in abusive relationships that have caused me to shut down to defend myself from the trauma. I've recently started reading more about the 4 deadly horsemen in relationships, and ways that arguments damage relationships if left untreated. It's helped me realize that the fights in my last relationship had damaged it so bad, which is why my ex withdrew.

[Tayla]

Progress in relationships will hit a point where each side ... Decides , where is the point of medium resolution. I have zero desire to start or enter into a battle of wits. Usually a brief statement gets the sides to retreat.

 

Unsure the topics of disagreements ... Is it a habit to argue?

[Redhead14]

Arguments are part and parcel of relationships. It isn't the arguing that is a problem, is about how each party deals with them. Argument "styles" are something to observe carefully when a relationship is developing. That is something that needs to be address between a couple as soon as you realize that there is a difference. The way a couple argues is also a negotiable aspect of a relationship. You can and should sit down and talk about that too and see if you can come to a resolution for that aspect. Until that happens and you're both on the same page, you will never be able to resolve issues and those unresolved issues will build up and cause resentment which in turn fuels more unresolved issues. People often fight over tiny things and it's not usually about those tiny things, it's about bigger unresolved issues that are running in the "background". Healthy conflict resolution skills are important to being able to keep lines of communication open. Some people will argue because they just have to be right and aren't hearing the other person and closed off to objectivity. You don't always have to be right in a situation. If it's something that is important to you but there is a significant divide, you need to at least try to compromise and find balance.