Ex and NC [UPDATE: Ex came back after 8 months]

[TooRational]

No really an expert on the whole NC thing but my understanding is that you should stay NC for as long as it takes to totally get over him. Otherwise breaking NC will reset you to the beginning of the healing process. You need to let him go and focus on yourself. Seemingly good reasons to break NC will always come up.

 

I know it's hard... I've been NC for only 5 days now but it seems like forever. My ex birthday is actually in January, 5-6 months away. One of my goal is to be totally over her by then (started dating again, etc). So hopefully I'll be able to wish her happy birthday without expecting anything in return, especially not getting back together.

[ElsieA]

Hey guys !

 

I have been NC for almost a month now with my ex bf of 2 years . Is it normal that i still ask myself if he's still thinking about me .. What is he thiking about all this and all thoes kind of questions are running throught my head over and over it hurts to think that he would already be over me in such a little amount of time I know people will say who cares about what he thinks but still im wondering all the time .. I dont wish him bad stuff or anything but i sure wish karma does it job and that one day he realize what he has lost cause god knows how good i was too him and even he knows and told me before we went NC . It just hurt inside that not even once has he tried to talk to me and ask how i was doing im the one that did it every single time and im the one that got dumped . I know stupid me :/ when i made contact with him he would tell me how he missed everything about me and about us how turned on he was still about me and that he could not even think about beeing with another woman .. So then i would get all emotional and ask him why did u leave then ? And he would always reply the same thing " cause i dont have time for someone " he had a job as a correctional officer .. Had that job for a while .. Until he dicided to apply for security guard for the goverment that's were it all went downhill .. He had to go for like 15 differents test and quite a lot of interviews i was there to motivate him all along cause holly **** was he ever stressed out about that job .. Until one morning before his physical test he dicided we were done .. Over .. Bye bye that was it. He said im sorry but i dont have time anymore .. If you guys read my first post it says it all in there .. All i did for that relationship and for him . It's more what did i not do !!! How can you be so good to someone and there eable to not give a s*** about all of that and the breakup ?? i know that he did love me alot that i am sure a 100% but can a new job stress someone to the point of wanting to leave? I know theres nobody else in the picture so what the hell is it ? Just the week before he was saying how much he loved me ? i just cant see clear into this

[Tgbyhn]

Hey, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time. I know exactly how it feels to go NC and hear nothing back, it's heartbreaking. You said you believed he truly loved you, so perhaps the stress did just get too much for him. People don't think rationally when they are under so much pressure. How strong was your relationship though? You said he 100% loved you, but I find it hard to believe that someone who truly loved you could do this to you. It must be difficult to hear and I'm sorry as I obviously wasn't in the relationship with you, so I don't have the full picture. But from what you've said, it sounds like perhaps you were more into him than he was. When he messaged you he spoke of how you still turned him on, but that isn't love. That's lust, and frankly I would be offended if an ex said that to me. It is completely normal to wonder what he is thinking, but don't let it consume you. He's probably focusing on work and friends, so maybe you should do the same too. In my opinion, I believe you are worth much more than this guy (from what you've said). For him to break up with you over work, seems a poor excuse. The least he could've done was fully explained his feelings and made sure that you were okay with the decision. Or the right thing he should've done if he truly valued you and the relationship was to talk things through with you, discussing the distress he is experiencing, how it affects him and how you could help eachother. I'm sorry if I have completely the wrong end of the stick, I'm just going from what you said in your post. I hope this helped in some way. Good luck<3

[elaine567]

There is never a good way to break up with someone, here he used his job as an excuse, maybe it was, maybe it wasn't but the fact is for some reason, he did not see a future with you in it and dumped you.

Most dumpers, unless there is an obvious event like finding out the dumpee cheated, spend a long time making that decision and often by the time they finally make up their mind or pluck up enough courage to actually dump the person, they are often pretty much over it.

 

Reading your other thread, you have bent over backwards to keep this man on board and he has done nothing FOR YOU.

YOU were merely a convenient habit for him, he didn't love you.

It was not a good relationship, you deserve so much better.

Who cares what he thinks?

As someone said on that thread he is a spoiled man child.

He is NOT relationship material.

YOU are well rid of him.

Keep up the NC.

[anika99]

It is normal to obsess a little over an ex and wonder what they are thinking and doing. You get over it faster when you just go no contact with them, especially in your case where your ex is giving you mixed signals. You judge someone by their actions, not their words. Your ex's words do not match his actions. His actions tell the truth.

 

You think that karma will make him realize what he has lost but I really think the karma needed here is that you learn one of life's lessons, which is relationships are a two way street and you shouldn't continually invest in a relationship while getting nothing in return. I read your other threads and I really don't see what benefit you were getting out of this relationship. It seems he was never really invested in you and you ignored that and just kept doing and doing for him. Take some time on your own and make yourself your best friend. I feel like you settled for so little from this guy because you needed the validation of being in a relationship, like you think any relationship is better than no relationship and that is so not true. Learn to love and value yourself.

[ElsieA]

Thx alot you guys are helping me alot to understand a little bitt more on this breakup . I know he was not involved as much as i was . I tried so many times to talk to him about it and telling him that if it was because he was not in love or not happy to just go but all the time he would tell me . No dont say that i love you alot and i want to spend my life with you .. So i would tell him to stop acting that way then cause i was not happy and often really sad about how he was acting .. He would say well i dont know what effort i can do ? I dont know what to say or do bla bla bla .. Like in my head when u truly love someone you dont have to " think" about what to do to make that person happy ? It just comes natural ...

[ElsieA]

There is never a good way to break up with someone, here he used his job as an excuse, maybe it was, maybe it wasn't but the fact is for some reason, he did not see a future with you in it and dumped you.

Most dumpers, unless there is an obvious event like finding out the dumpee cheated, spend a long time making that decision and often by the time they finally make up their mind or pluck up enough courage to actually dump the person, they are often pretty much over it.

 

Reading your other thread, you have bent over backwards to keep this man on board and he has done nothing FOR YOU.

YOU were merely a convenient habit for him, he didn't love you.

It was not a good relationship, you deserve so much better.

Who cares what he thinks?

As someone said on that thread he is a spoiled man child.

He is NOT relationship material.

YOU are well rid of him.

Keep up the NC.

 

Thx alot that felt good to read !!! Yes he is spoiled and selfish .. I was really close with his parents especially his mom .. And even them would tell me how he could never do anything they asked him to do for them .. It's Always about him him him him .. Just a exemple we were having diner me and him at a restaurant and i forget my vest in the car so i asked him if he would mind to go get it for me in a really polite way .. His answer was " i dont feel like it" and even worse i asked him that same night if he would be willing to come with me at my oncle's place for his birthday i got a .. " ah i think their boring " i was like WHAT ? are u serious ? He said no no but i just dont feel like it .. my heart was broken at that moment ... how can u be so cold ? He's even like that with his own familly .

[hakuna matata]

I can attest to what you do being normal because of your current circumstance after coming freshly out of a relationship. With time (it's only been a little over a month for me), you will see the bigger picture. Your ex didn't love you or invest as much as you did into the relationship. Trust me on this that he probably thinks he did but in all likelihood he already had the idea of breaking up/giving up on the relationship in advance and thus he wasn't actually giving or investing because he mentally was already out of the picture.

 

I feel your bitterness towards him and his actions as I do for my own ex. Frankly I agree that breaking up because of work is a poor excuse but then again there could have been many more excuses he could have plucked from his sleeve if you were able to absolve or debunk the work excuse. Always make sure to ask yourself honestly and openly "Is this really the kind of person I want to spend forever with? Someone who will put their job consistently before me?" You can walk away holding your head high knowing that you gave it your all and not have any self-blame towards yourself about the relationship ending.

 

Stay strong ElsieA

[ElsieA]

I can attest to what you do being normal because of your current circumstance after coming freshly out of a relationship. With time (it's only been a little over a month for me), you will see the bigger picture. Your ex didn't love you or invest as much as you did into the relationship. Trust me on this that he probably thinks he did but in all likelihood he already had the idea of breaking up/giving up on the relationship in advance and thus he wasn't actually giving or investing because he mentally was already out of the picture.

 

I feel your bitterness towards him and his actions as I do for my own ex. Frankly I agree that breaking up because of work is a poor excuse but then again there could have been many more excuses he could have plucked from his sleeve if you were able to absolve or debunk the work excuse. Always make sure to ask yourself honestly and openly "Is this really the kind of person I want to spend forever with? Someone who will put their job consistently before me?" You can walk away holding your head high knowing that you gave it your all and not have any self-blame towards yourself about the relationship ending.

 

Stay strong ElsieA

 

Thank you so much for thoes kind words . It's exacly what im trying to repeat to myself every single day . " that i did everything in my possible way to make it work " from doing everything and anything for him . To beeing indepedant and pulling away a little just so he misses me a little more .. But whatever i would do i would always loose ! A part of me feels so much better now but the other part just can't believe how selfish and heartless he can be .

[hakuna matata]

Thank you so much for thoes kind words . It's exacly what im trying to repeat to myself every single day . " that i did everything in my possible way to make it work " from doing everything and anything for him . To beeing indepedant and pulling away a little just so he misses me a little more .. But whatever i would do i would always loose ! A part of me feels so much better now but the other part just can't believe how selfish and heartless he can be .

 

He is being selfish and heartless. There are plenty of other ways he could have went about things if his job was actually stressing him. For instance, he could have went to get some professional counseling to mediate his stress instead of sweeping you off his entire slate. He didn't want to make it work for whatever reasons he has and that says enough about himself.

 

It's okay to feel what you are feeling and don't let the rage, disappointment and anger fester inside you. Let it all out. What I do is imagine myself in front of a giant lake or ocean, bottling all of this grief into an actual bottle, and casting it out to sea. Imagine the waves crashing and allowing that imagine to wash away all that you have been going through. Take deep breaths and let the sight of the water be the only thing on your mind.

[ElsieA]

He is being selfish and heartless. There are plenty of other ways he could have went about things if his job was actually stressing him. For instance, he could have went to get some professional counseling to mediate his stress instead of sweeping you off his entire slate. He didn't want to make it work for whatever reasons he has and that says enough about himself.

 

It's okay to feel what you are feeling and don't let the rage, disappointment and anger fester inside you. Let it all out. What I do is imagine myself in front of a giant lake or ocean, bottling all of this grief into an actual bottle, and casting it out to sea. Imagine the waves crashing and allowing that imagine to wash away all that you have been going through. Take deep breaths and let the sight of the water be the only thing on your mind.[

 

I sure will do that at least try my best . I read your post and i have yo say that wow i feel you . NC is so so SO hard to do but in are hearts we know that it's the thing to do if we wana move on .. You look like a great person with good values who deserve to be happy . Dont waste time on mind games or breadcrumbs it will just make things more difficult for you . I have achieve a month of NC now and as hard as it can be and get i will admit that i feel much better . He din't even try once to ask how i was . I guess i can thank him for doing me this favor lol .

[hakuna matata]

He is being selfish and heartless. There are plenty of other ways he could have went about things if his job was actually stressing him. For instance, he could have went to get some professional counseling to mediate his stress instead of sweeping you off his entire slate. He didn't want to make it work for whatever reasons he has and that says enough about himself.

 

It's okay to feel what you are feeling and don't let the rage, disappointment and anger fester inside you. Let it all out. What I do is imagine myself in front of a giant lake or ocean, bottling all of this grief into an actual bottle, and casting it out to sea. Imagine the waves crashing and allowing that imagine to wash away all that you have been going through. Take deep breaths and let the sight of the water be the only thing on your mind.

 

I sure will do that at least try my best . I read your post and i have yo say that wow i feel you . NC is so so SO hard to do but in are hearts we know that it's the thing to do if we wana move on .. You look like a great person with good values who deserve to be happy . Dont waste time on mind games or breadcrumbs it will just make things more difficult for you . I have achieve a month of NC now and as hard as it can be and get i will admit that i feel much better . He din't even try once to ask how i was . I guess i can thank him for doing me this favor lol .

 

I appreciate the time you took to read about my situation. For me, because he was my first relationship, some days I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that life happens. That people come and go. That doors close and others open. I was hurt very badly by my ex when he decided that we were not meant to be together and it was the hardest pill I've ever had to swallow because for some reason, my brain couldn't wrap itself around that concept. Thank you for the compliment, it has been hard to see myself in that light. I was a dumb idiot and broke NC a couple of times before but I am not anymore. Keep up the good work with your NC! You are strong!

[ElsieA]

I appreciate the time you took to read about my situation. For me, because he was my first relationship, some days I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that life happens. That people come and go. That doors close and others open. I was hurt very badly by my ex when he decided that we were not meant to be together and it was the hardest pill I've ever had to swallow because for some reason, my brain couldn't wrap itself around that concept. Thank you for the compliment, it has been hard to see myself in that light. I was a dumb idiot and broke NC a couple of times before but I am not anymore. Keep up the good work with your NC! You are strong!

 

You are not dumb or idiot beeing NC to someone you truly loved and still do is a very hard thing to do especially at first . As hard as it seems you have to always stay occupied .. Go for walks that helped me alot and when i say walks i mean like 45 minutes and more .. Go shopping clean your place .. Go get a manicure pedicure do whatever will make you feel good about yourself . What is ment to be will be no matter what . Take it one day at a time trust me it will get better .<3

[mg4514]

Elsie,

 

So sorry to hear you're going through this. There is a very simple answer to some of your questions, I believe.

 

1). It's not his job. That's something you've considered to help soften the blow, and it's a symptom of the grief process. A new job, especially an upgrade, is exciting...and if he was in it for the long haul and cared about you, he would want to take you along for the ride.

 

2) Yes, he does think about you. BUT it's in the occasional, fleeting moments when reflecting on some past fond memory. He's not thinking about you in the way you hope for. He's not sitting around, sulking, feeling like he made a mistake.

 

3). Like another poster already said, once the dumper gets up the courage to end things...it's already been stewing for a long time. Probably months. They've thought about it, calculated, and decided life w/o the dumpee is a more attractive option.

 

Finally, I have no doubt he's the sort who will, at some point, flip you some breadcrumbs. Recognize it when it happens. Know the motivation behind it. And cast it aside as meaningless. His comments about caring, being turned on, etc. is all a ploy to keep you dangling. Keep you at just a safe enough distance that he can call on you to fill his needs...whatever they might be...sex, ego boost, emotional support, or to be his plan B option if he isn't able to field better offers.

 

Don't be anyone's Plan B option. Good luck.

[ElsieA]

Hey guys !!!

Let's start by saying i am not proud of myself i was NC with my ex for almost 1 month and a half but broke NC 2 days ago to tell him that he had a big bag of clothing at my place .. I knew it was here since we broke up but just dint feel like i could give it back to him cause i dint want to see him i was way to hurt . So i just placed it under my stairs at home for a while .

 

Just when I thought i was doing better i dicided to tell him i had his stuff here and that i dint know what to do with it since he dint reach out to get it back .. he told me " oh that's were my stuff is " in my head i was like duh were else ? Like im not lying it's a big black garbage bag full of his stuff i dont even know how he forget to bring it with him in first place when he decided to dumped me .

 

So i texted him telling him that and he told me he would send his mom to pick them up cause i told him in first place that i could not see him for now i was still hurt with all this . So just to make a story short i told him how much i still think about him how much i still dream about us all the time .. And i actually do i get thoes weird dreams about us all the time they are driving me crazy .

 

So he told me that he has them 2 that he still thinks about me alot that he can not imagine himself with another woman or imagine me with another men that is kills him to think about it BUT.. He can't be with me cause his new job is really de mending he dosent have time to do anything he is always tired and blablabla . I asked him well why are you saying that you dont want to imagine myself with another men then ? But you dont even want to be with me ?

 

He said i just cant but trust me its killing me tp have to do that .

I am so confuse guys like what the hell ?

 

So i told him to tell his mom to come get his stuff while im at work and that i wish him goodluck . He said thx you 2 . And since then i did not reply anything.

Edited August 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Zahara]

Dumpers tend to give you a bunch of words to help alleviate your pain therefore sometimes telling you what you want to hear. Pay attention to actions rather than his words. You need to block him and stay NC.

[ElsieA]

Dumpers tend to give you a bunch of words to help alleviate your pain therefore sometimes telling you what you want to hear. Pay attention to actions rather than his words. You need to block him and stay NC.

 

I know it just hurts cause i still love him alot and think about him all the time

[Zahara]

I know it just hurts cause i still love him alot and think about him all the time

 

Yes, it's going to hurt. There's no avoiding that fact. But the sooner you cut him out and stay complete NC the sooner you're going to start feeling better and moving on.

[ElsieA]

I lost it

Hey guys !!!

Let's start by saying i am not proud of myself i was NC with my ex for almost 1 month and a half but broke NC 2 days ago to tell him that he had a big bag of clothing at my place .. I knew it was here since we broke up but just dint feel like i could give it back to him cause i dint want to see him i was way to hurt . So i just placed it under my stairs at home for a while .

 

Just when I thought i was doing better i dicided to tell him i had his stuff here and that i dint know what to do with it since he dint reach out to get it back .. he told me " oh that's were my stuff is " in my head i was like duh were else ? Like im not lying it's a big black garbage bag full of his stuff i dont even know how he forget to bring it with him in first place when he decided to dumped me .

 

So i texted him telling him that and he told me he would send his mom to pick them up cause i told him in first place that i could not see him for now i was still hurt with all this . So just to make a story short i told him how much i still think about him how much i still dream about us all the time .. And i actually do i get thoes weird dreams about us all the time they are driving me crazy .

 

So he told me that he has them 2 that he still thinks about me alot that he can not imagine himself with another woman or imagine me with another men that is kills him to think about it BUT.. He can't be with me cause his new job is really de mending he dosent have time to do anything he is always tired and blablabla . I asked him well why are you saying that you dont want to imagine myself with another men then ? But you dont even want to be with me ?

 

He said i just cant but trust me its killing me tp have to do that .

I am so confuse guys like what the hell ?

 

So i told him to tell his mom to come get his stuff while im at work and that i wish him goodluck . He said thx you 2 . And since then i did not reply anything.

 

I wrote all this yesterday and today we had contact again about all the same stuff him telling me how much he misses me and are sex life that he cant imagine himself with anyone else that he thinks about me all the time .... im so confuse and frustrated at the same time .

[Zahara]

Go back and read your past threads and try to find your reality. You're not confused. You know deep down. The problem is that you can't let go.

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. He's not driving you crazy, you are doing it to yourself.

[ElsieA]

Go back and read your past threads and try to find your reality. You're not confused. You know deep down. The problem is that you can't let go.

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. He's not driving you crazy, you are doing it to yourself.

 

Zahara i know i cant let go that is why im on here seeking help ..reading from him that the more it goes the more he is realizing what he lost is quite confusing to me .. When he left me he dint say anything for weeks and now he is starting to tell me how much he misses me and all that i wish i could say that it dosent bother me but yes it does cause deep down i still care and love him .

[Zahara]

Zahara i know i cant let go that is why im on here seeking help ..reading from him that the more it goes the more he is realizing what he lost is quite confusing to me .. When he left me he dint say anything for weeks and now he is starting to tell me how much he misses me and all that i wish i could say that it dosent bother me but yes it does cause deep down i still care and love him .

 

No one can help you if you choose not to help yourself. You've had several threads with advice telling you to NC. The reality of your relationship is that you invested your everything in a man that did not reciprocate. You yourself said he was selfish. Nothing has changed. He showed you that in the relationship and he's showing you now. He was half in during the relationship and half in now. Nothing has changed. You're so desperate for it to be something more that's why you're holding onto words. When a man wants you, he'll show you, with ACTION.

 

If you want to stay available to words, then prepare to stay confused. Anyone can spew words but if nothing comes from that, you let go. The problem with you is that you established in the relationship that you had no boundaries and he knows that -- even after ditching you more than once, you're still available to him and his BS. Unless he's banging on your door fighting for you (even then I'd question his motives) the rest is just useless babble on his part.

Edited August 6, 2016 by Zahara

[ElsieA]

No one can help you if you choose not to help yourself. You've had several threads with advice telling you to NC. The reality of your relationship is that you invested your everything in a man that did not reciprocate. You yourself said he was selfish. Nothing has changed. He showed you that in the relationship and he's showing you now. He was half in during the relationship and half in now. Nothing has changed. You're so desperate for it to be something more that's why you're holding onto words. When a man wants you, he'll show you, with ACTION.

 

If you want to stay available to words, then prepare to stay confused. Anyone can spew words but if nothing comes from that, you let go. The problem with you is that you established in the relationship that you had no boundaries and he knows that -- even after ditching you more than once, you're still available to him and his BS. Unless he's banging on your door fighting for you (even then I'd question his motives) the rest is just useless babble on his part.

 

I know that you are right and im so good on giving advice to people but when it comes to me i always settle for less than what i deserve and i dont even know why i do that im always insecure trying to find attention from him when he dosent even deserve my words or attention . Im mad at myself for doing that .. And even a shame to say that he must feel like he is winning once again .

[Zahara]

I know that you are right and im so good on giving advice to people but when it comes to me i always settle for less than what i deserve and i dont even know why i do that im always insecure trying to find attention from him when he dosent even deserve my words or attention . Im mad at myself for doing that .. And even a shame to say that he must feel like he is winning once again .

 

Honestly, I think he's feeding you words to keep you there as a fallback while he's doing whatever he's doing out there. He knows you'll stay available, you did it then and you're showing him you're doing it now.

 

You even note in your thread asking if it's a breadcrumb -- it's because deep down you know it is. So what if he misses you, big whop. He still doesn't want a relationship with you. What's that crumb going to do for you? And even if he was genuine or even came back -- you'd want to go back to someone that was half invested in you and ditched you multiple times?

 

Start thinking about these things versus being so emotionally driven that you're throwing the reality of what you had with him out the door. Go back and read the second thread you created. Remind yourself as to what your relationship was like.

 

If you don't know why you always settle for less and feel insecure -- then work on that -- but you don't fix that by going back to what's been causing you to fail and feel crummy about yourself.

[ElsieA]

Honestly, I think he's feeding you words to keep you there as a fallback while he's doing whatever he's doing out there. He knows you'll stay available, you did it then and you're showing him you're doing it now.

 

You even note in your thread asking if it's a breadcrumb -- it's because deep down you know it is. So what if he misses you, big whop. He still doesn't want a relationship with you. What's that crumb going to do for you? And even if he was genuine or even came back -- you'd want to go back to someone that was half invested in you and ditched you multiple times?

 

Start thinking about these things versus being so emotionally driven that you're throwing the reality of what you had with him out the door. Go back and read the second thread you created. Remind yourself as to what your relationship was like.

 

If you don't know why you always settle for less and feel insecure -- then work on that -- but you don't fix that by going back to what's been causing you to fail and feel crummy about yourself.

 

Yes your right i would probably be always insecure and scared of beeing dumped again if i would ever go back with him . And they sure are bredcrumbs the more i think about it cause or else i would not even ask myself the question . It's cruel from him cause he tells me thoes really sexual things even pictures of him you can just imagine .. And he keeps on saying how much he misses that.. But he is not even trying to see me or anything it's always teasing . Once i fell in his boat and sent him stuff 2 im so a shame to be writing that right now .. and afterwards i felt so empty inside like i had been played with a ramdom guy it was the same feeling . This guy is so selfish that he only thinks about himself once he gets what he wants i dont hear from him for days . I hate him right now just to think about all of that makes me so a shame of myself .

Edited August 6, 2016 by ElsieA