Did he cheat & consequences

[Cpl11]

First time here & posting. My husband & I have been married 10 years & have two young kids. Last night my son & I were playing around on my husbands old phone ( he gave to kids). When looking at pictures,I found pictures from january, it was his thursday night out at the sportsmen club he belongs to. He took pictures of a women undressing in the club at 1230pm, the next few pics were this women posing, rubbing on a guy, posing on shuffleboard table. My husbsnd spends every thursday here playing darts, horeshoes etc. he swears nothing happened ( touching). Even if no touching happened I cannot forgive this disgusting behavior. He said sorry, i was drunk, bad decision, etc. this women was not a stirpper, she came w/ one of the members. Our marrisge is by no means perfect but I had always trusted him. Looking for any input/ words of wisdom.

[Mrs. John Adams]

So it was basically a strip club ....

 

Have you discussed with him how you feel about him going to a club like this?

 

How would you feel if you went with him?

 

Why is this a deal breaker for you?

[standtall]

No that is not cheating. Tacky for taking pictures, but not cheating.

[oldshirt]

Assuming he and this woman do not have some kind of personal relationship where there are some kind of feelings and declarations of feelings and shared moments etc etc

 

And assuming there was no physical contact between them, then no, this was not cheating or an affair etc etc

 

Now however descriptions like immature, boarish, crude, sophomoric, tasteless, tacky, classless, dumb etc etc do come to mind to describe this event.

 

I don't think this rises to the level of cheating per se, but I do think you have just cause to be a bit disgusted and put off.

[KatieCares]

I think that it is appropriate that you are concerned. Solid marriages are not built on this type of behavior. A tiny break in a dam will eventually lead to the collapse of the entire dam. It is very encouraging that your husband is sorry...obviously he realizes that this behavior is not acceptable...so it sounds like you are both in agreement on that. As for forgiving...there will be no true movement forward until you do. Hopefully you will be able to put this behind you and move forward.

[NTV]

Maybe you and he should have a frank discussion about what each one of you would do if you were found to truly have cheated. Would it be automatic divorce? What would that mean for finances or for the kids?

 

 

Are you the care-taker for the kids? Because if so, and you found him cheating you could kick him out, but if he found you cheating who would watch the kids while he was at work?

 

 

There's also a document called a postnup, that you could both work on with an attorney that could help some. It may be worthwhile to get one put in place. Not so much as an exit strategy, but maybe one that incurred a financial penalty for cheating.... I mean if he knew he had to pay $10k if he's caught cheating, then that is some really expensive booty... so it could serve as a deterrent.

 

 

IDK if any of that really helps, but I hope it does.

 

 

As far as whether that's cheating or not, I would say if that story were the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth then no, it isn't cheating. But the problem isn't whether that's cheating or not. The problem is... is that the truth?

[Cpl11]

So it was basically a strip club ....

 

Have you discussed with him how you feel about him going to a club like this?

 

How would you feel if you went with him?

 

Why is this a deal breaker for you?

 

 

Thanks!!! I have been here before and my kids even go at times. It truly is sportsmen club. They do clay shooting, darts, horeshoes etc. My real concern is that he did not get up and walk out, but stayed and enjoyed the show and took pics. there was only about 5 guys there at the time.If this was a bachlor party and a strip club, I would feel different or had he told me what went down instead of me seeing these pics 6 months later.

[Poutrew]

There's an old saying: When the cat's away, the mice do play. Unfortunately you are the cat in this scenario. Your husband is the mouse, and the stripper is the cheese. You need him to prove to you that he isn't getting his supply of cheese from anyone else but you. This involves complete transparency on his part. First is the phone - the pics on his old phone speak to what may be on his new phone. You need to see it, but honestly it may already be too late as it could already be wiped clean. Look at his cell phone bill. Check for numbers he is dialing too much. Do some gentle spying - and depending on what you find you could decide to go full Secret Squirrel on his ass. At the very least, if there is inappropriate behavior on his part, but not full - on cheating, you could tell him that his behavior has changed the ground rules of the marriage. Since Thursday is his night to howl, you have decided to go she-devil on Saturday night with some of your Horney housewife friends over at the local Girls Night Out hangout, Big Dick's Bar & Grill. He can stay home and watch the kids. You want to get in on some of his action as you don't want to be left out of life.... if he objects, then tell him he does not go to his place anymore. That is over. His new life phase as a responsible old man who gets his jollies at home with his wife and kids begins. If he acts like a baby you have just taken the candy away from, just tell him Candy the stripper can shake down some other fat, balding, middle aged cubicle kamikaze. His ass belongs to you and them's the breaks.

[ladydesigner]

Thanks!!! I have been here before and my kids even go at times. It truly is sportsmen club. They do clay shooting, darts, horeshoes etc. My real concern is that he did not get up and walk out, but stayed and enjoyed the show and took pics. there was only about 5 guys there at the time.If this was a bachlor party and a strip club, I would feel different or had he told me what went down instead of me seeing these pics 6 months later.

 

I agree he should have told you, not let you discover these racy pics on his phone! I would be concerned about the breach of trust.

 

I wouldn't necessarily consider this situation cheating, but definitely a case of poor boundaries on your H's end.

[Mrs. John Adams]

So it is a sportsmans club that is family friendly...

 

And you are concerned because your husband was in this place without you but was with friends.

 

While I think it is very important for you to discuss boundaries with your husband... And he should adhere to your wishes..

 

I don't think your husband was in any way cheating. You absolutely should tell him how you feel and why...

[Lady Hamilton]

If have questions at how he could be so drunk just after noon on a Thursday that he would think taking these kids of pics and being there for that kind of behavior would be ok... And that he kept the pictures. In 7 months he wasn't sober enough to delete them?

 

Is it cheating? No. Not as is.

 

Tacky and a breech of trust, sure.

[standtall]

 

While I think it is very important for you to discuss boundaries with your husband... And he should adhere to your wishes..

 

.

 

Well I kinda agree that with that statement, but a man in a marriage is not married to his mother. It should not be phrased that way. In a typically male dominate marriage, like this one sounds to be, a typical husband would do the exact opposite if controlled that way. That no one tells him what to do or puts chains and boundaries on him. A dominate man controls himself. The concept that you are relaying is fine, but it needs to be phrased differently and come from within.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well I kinda agree that with that statement, but a man in a marriage is not married to his mother. It should not be phrased that way. In a typically male dominate marriage, like this one sounds to be, a typical husband would do the exact opposite if controlled that way. That no one tells him what to do or puts chains and boundaries on him. A dominate man controls himself. The concept that you are relaying is fine, but it needs to be phrased differently and come from within.

 

Perhaps you are right

 

The bottom line

 

Boundaries need to be discussed

If he crosses the boundaries that she has made very clear to him that she is comfortable with...

Then he may suffer the consequences

 

Is that better?

[standtall]

Absolutely. i just didn't want the OP to go out and get in a control P***ing match with him where the complaint gets lost.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Absolutely. i just didn't want the OP to go out and get in a control P***ing match with him where the complaint gets lost.

 

Well right now.. She is pissed and if I were him.. I would be a really good boy to get back in her good graces.

 

I don't think he cheated... But he knows momma ain't happy

[standtall]

Exactly..most likely he will fix it without anymore discussion. If the OP wanted validation for her feelings, then IMHO she got it.

[SevenCity]

OP - you have to understand how men are. We are visual creatures. Most of us cannot look away if there is an attractive woman dancing around naked. Most of us look at porn on the net.

 

All of the above does not mean he cheated or has any less love or attraction for you. I'm sure he knows that this would be your reaction which is why he didn't say anything.

 

I'm not sure if I can post links but check this out:

 

3 Reasons Men Check Out Other Women (And How To Handle It) | YourTango

 

Having sex with this girl would be crossing the line but I suspect he did not.

 

Realize that this is how 99% of men would react. Yes, this is why we are considered pigs / dogs / etc. It doesn't mean we don't love you or find you attractive.

[Lady Hamilton]

Even if we were to believe that men are so weak that their biology forces them into a state of marital amnesia and gawk at attractive women, there is no biological imperative that drives them to take out their cell, get pictures, then keep them for half a year.

[SevenCity]

Even if we were to believe that men are so weak that their biology forces them into a state of marital amnesia and gawk at attractive women, there is no biological imperative that drives them to take out their cell, get pictures, then keep them for half a year.

 

Claiming men are "weak" is a sure sign you are angry and not thinking logically.

 

I likely would have done the same as him. It doesn't mean that I cheated or had any intention of doing so.

 

I think what you need to do is talk to him and tell him how it hurt you. You've made up your mind he was in the wrong, fine. But are you willing to discuss it with him like a calm, rational adult?

 

I did things that hurt my ex without knowing (ie: looking at other women). Instead of confronting me about it, she let it fester inside and we ended up breaking up.

 

Is that what you want?

 

As a guy, I cannot even recall a girl I checked out a week ago. Does that sound like someone who is lusting after someone and willing to risk a relationship on it?

 

I've also checked out a bunch of hot cars in my lifetime. I've even taken pictures of beautiful sunsets. I have pictures of a raunchy bachelor party from over 20 years ago that I don't even know where they are.

 

None of these things meant I didn't love or respect the girl I was with.

 

Edit - I see you are not the OP. But most still applies.

Edited July 8, 2016 by SevenCity

[ladydesigner]

OP - you have to understand how men are. We are visual creatures. Most of us cannot look away if there is an attractive woman dancing around naked. Most of us look at porn on the net.

 

All of the above does not mean he cheated or has any less love or attraction for you. I'm sure he knows that this would be your reaction which is why he didn't say anything.

 

I'm not sure if I can post links but check this out:

 

3 Reasons Men Check Out Other Women (And How To Handle It) | YourTango

 

Having sex with this girl would be crossing the line but I suspect he did not.

 

Realize that this is how 99% of men would react. Yes, this is why we are considered pigs / dogs / etc. It doesn't mean we don't love you or find you attractive.

 

And men don't be surprised if you see your woman drooling at the sight of... ahem cute firefighters with no shirts on.

[Lady Hamilton]

If you say that biology means men cannot look away when they see a beautiful woman, you are basically saying that men are too weak to be able to control the impulse and thus they're not accountable for any damage it does.

 

The fact you or other men don't remember who you gawk at doesn't make it more acceptable. Honestly, that makes it sadder. And seeing that a breakup resulted in the uncontrollable need to stare at pretty women you don't even remember... I'm not sure what part of that is supposed to sound good...

 

The guy crossed a line, he knows it did or he'd have said something. It wasn't cheating, but it was dishonest, tacky, and makes him seem like a skeeze to both his wife and to women in general.

 

Despite the claim that most men look at porn and gawk at women, that is a broad generalization that clearly doesn't represent all men. It is possible to conduct yourself in a way around pretty women, even strippers, in a way that doesn't disrespect your wife and doesn't degrade yourself.

[Lady Hamilton]

And men don't be surprised if you see your woman drooling at the sight of... ahem cute firefighters with no shirts on.

 

Or if you hear "It's my period... Biology makes me irritable and not into sex. It's like that for most women. Get over it."

[Mrs. John Adams]

What I am trying to process here is how he took those pictures

 

Most clubs have a very strict no photography rule

[SevenCity]

If you say that biology means men cannot look away when they see a beautiful woman, you are basically saying that men are too weak to be able to control the impulse and thus they're not accountable for any damage it does.

 

The fact you or other men don't remember who you gawk at doesn't make it more acceptable. Honestly, that makes it sadder. And seeing that a breakup resulted in the uncontrollable need to stare at pretty women you don't even remember... I'm not sure what part of that is supposed to sound good...

 

The guy crossed a line, he knows it did or he'd have said something. It wasn't cheating, but it was dishonest, tacky, and makes him seem like a skeeze to both his wife and to women in general.

 

Despite the claim that most men look at porn and gawk at women, that is a broad generalization that clearly doesn't represent all men. It is possible to conduct yourself in a way around pretty women, even strippers, in a way that doesn't disrespect your wife and doesn't degrade yourself.

 

Would you disagree its a good idea for her to speak to him about this once she calms down?

 

Women check out guys as well. It's human biology.

 

Freaking about it is insecure.

[ladydesigner]

What I am trying to process here is how he took those pictures

 

Most clubs have a very strict no photography rule

 

I agree Mrs. Adams it's one thing to enjoy the sights and another to take pictures of it. I think OP has every right to be and feel upset with her H.

 

I don't mind my WH looking at other people and never have. I think it is human nature to look at other attractive human beings. Acting on that is something else.