USmatt101 Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 (edited) I just don't get it. We get along great. Really great. She's mentioned no marital issues or issues she has with me to support a divorce. She says she still loves and cares for me, but wants to be on her own and doesn't want to be married to me anymore. She feels bad for me b/c she admits that I have given her a great life. Since the divorce was filed last year, aside from minor adjustments and understanding each other, we've been living peacefully under one roof, and sleeping in the same bed (and having sex). Our children have no idea b/c it's been a non-event. After about 2-3 months of the divorce filing, the pendulum started to swing back to normalcy. At first, she voiced that she still wants me in her life after the divorce. Then her message changed to that we can still live together, but just not married. Then we discussed just dropping the whole thing. I am active duty military and told her that I would retire right away so we could start fresh and plant roots. That resonated with her and we started looking at property and started discussing retirement. It is scary b/c I almost pulled the trigger on purchasing a house and I was weeks away from submitting retirement paperwork. Then all of a sudden 2 weeks ago, we were back to square-1, she confronted me with wanting to finish the divorce and she would be moving out, and taking the kids, in a month. She tried to explain the 180-degree turn; that she has always felt this way in the past year, but she was trying to overcome it and convince herself that she could be happy. The financial impact is astonishing. The spousal and child support requirement is huge. It goes without saying that she gets half of my retirement (which is a tidy sum for life). Even her attorney remarked to her that her support from me is outrageous. And even though she is trying to be nice about the whole divorce, she keeps using the term "entitlement". Her nest will be feathered, and I will be living in a small apartment. I honestly don't know how I am going to work for the many years that I am supposed to support her. I just don't get it. Edited July 8, 2016 by USmatt101 Link to post Share on other sites
idiot 274 Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 First off thank you for your service. Man I'm sorry. How many kiddos and how old? Link to post Share on other sites
Author USmatt101 Posted July 8, 2016 Author Share Posted July 8, 2016 Thanks for asking. We have three school-age children; 7, 9, and 15. And we have a 22 year old in college. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 I just don't get it. Yep, SNAFU. Here's my take from the other side.... you had a great marriage, longer than many, and have four kids. IMO, if you're going to pour time and energy and money into anything, pour it into fighting for joint physical custody. Fathering will always be with you regardless of how the women change throughout life. You will find love again, both for yourself and from another. You're a lucky man to have some healthy kids. They love, they focus, they make it all worthwhile. Get it done, enjoy the downsizing and relative poverty for this too is transitory. Think of it as a new stage of life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 Okay, here it is another way. If husbands spend too much time on their own hobbies/work and not on their family, it is a common cause of divorce. When husbands or their wives get addicted to drugs or alcohol, it is a common cause of divorce. If men physically or mentally abuse their wives it is a common cause of divorce. If either partner cheats, it is a common cause of divorce. Read other similar situational posts on here, married 25 yrs..happy..3 minor children...etc, and you will see that most of the time, the root cause is one of the above. Also, yelling at and controlling a spouse is a form of emotional abuse. What you have posted so far, does not explain the fact she is up and leaving. Women with little kids seldom do this and will take an incredible amount of a bad marriage before they break up their families. Link to post Share on other sites
Mumbles Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 Feel for you mate. My first marriage was a bit like this, though not as long - we made it to about 10 years and no kids. As for the 'why' of this, I really don't know. Like you, my wife and I had a generally happy life. You can't live with someone this long and not have the occasional argument or problem, but in general, things were good and we were happy....except, in my case, there was a large imbalance in our respective sexual appetites. I ponder nowadays, now that I'm married again, whether or not life long ties, in a marriage sense, are really 'natural' or whether serial monogamy is closer to the real-world reality. I don't know the answer, but I really wonder about this. In any event, I want to talk about post divorce maintenance. I'm not resident in the USA and don't have anything more than a fleeting idea of what the different divorce laws in the different states might be. Where I live divorce without kids is reasonably straightforward, its a 50-50 split of assets built up over the course of the marriage. With kids it gets a lot more complicated, but, in general, the spouse with the higher earning potential (and reality) ends up paying some amount of support to the other - this can be relatively small or relatively large depending on individual circumstances and one can apply for adjustment if life changes (lose job, suffer an injury ... etc, etc). There have been some relatively high profile cases in the last couple of years where the woman has been reported as being quite upset, indeed even affronted, by the prospect of having to pay her husband maintenance if he gets custody. Where I am though, this is the exception rather than the rule, commonly the wife gets custody and the man pays some amount of maintenance. The trouble of course, and its been an ongoing fight over here, is that this arrangement can often essentially destroy the mans future life. He ends up living in a flophouse with almost no prospect of finding and building a new life with a new woman and/or starting a new family because, financially, he is often completely encumbered. He becomes a vassal of income productivity for his old family but without the support and return 'in kind' of that previous family. Theres a big conversation to be had around this and my view is certainly not one sided. However, simplistically, the way I see it is that I, as the man and previous husband, come as a complete package - I'm not, on the one hand, a walking wallet and on the other a human male with human wants/needs and personality. I'm all of that. I don't see how its at all fair that the different aspects of my totality can be separated. If you want my money, then other things come with that, the rest of 'me'. If you don't want 'me' then theres no money either .... Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 Check your phone bill. Sounds like another man in the mix. Get a better attourney. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 Check your phone bill. Sounds like another man in the mix. What you have posted so far, does not explain the fact she is up and leaving. Women with little kids seldom do this and will take an incredible amount of a bad marriage before they break up their families. See above, there's obviously something missing from your story. Unless you're an abusive husband or cheater yourself, women with children - you don't say how many - don't leave to "be on her own" and find themselves. They leave because they already found someone else. Sorry you find yourself here... Mr. Lucky 7 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 Since she expects to divorce you - what is she planning to do? Does she work? You want her working. Her working means you pay less spousal support. If you have 50% parenting time you will pay less as well. Start requesting these things. You need to make her uncomfortable. She's comfortable and calling all the shots. She may be cheating. I'd bet she would start reconsidering if you cut off her access to money and closed her credit cards. I'm just saying if she doesn't have all the power and control she may get a swift reality check. Buy a house in your name only! Go ahead. Don't include her in your life - she wants out then start protecting yourself. Take any available money and put it in your name only. If she plans to leave then SHE should get a small apartment - not you. Get my drift? Stop making her all comfy while she's plotting and planning to screw you over! Get busy doing something to protect your future. And let her go! In fact tell her to get out and get out now - she wants to leave the marriage then leave now. I'd bet money she's got another dude waiting in the wings. Don't make it easy for her to screw you over. Ask for 100% custody if you can - you may find your wife dating more than she's mothering her kids. Make it easy for her to leave but start asking for a lot! If you don't ask, you won't get anything. See an attorney and find out what you can do. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 Check your phone bill. Sounds like another man in the mix. Get a better attourney. See above, there's obviously something missing from your story. Unless you're an abusive husband or cheater yourself, women with children - you don't say how many - don't leave to "be on her own" and find themselves. They leave because they already found someone else. Sorry you find yourself here... Mr. Lucky Yes woman do not just leave. Dollars to doughnuts she is having an affair. I have seen this happen too many times. First thing is to hide a VAR/voice activated recorder in WW's car. Then GPS her car and turn on the find my phone on her cell. Check phone bills from before she asked for a divorce. See if there is a number that got increased use after she told you and or a number that gets a huge amount of calls. Many a WW hide the OM's number under a woman's name. Check to the text's. Again look at the text's that she has the most contacts with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 Yes certainly sounds like another guy is involved. Wives do not simply throw away their family to be on their own. But at this point I'm not sure if it's worth pursuing. The marriage is clearly over whether there is another man involved or not. What you should do is see a GOOD attorney and get advice about your financial situation. Don't listen to your wife or her attorney - they don't look out for YOUR interests, remember! They are not neutral parties! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 I just don't get it. We get along great. Really great. She's mentioned no marital issues or issues she has with me to support a divorce. She says she still loves and cares for me, but wants to be on her own and doesn't want to be married to me anymore. She feels bad for me b/c she admits that I have given her a great life. Since the divorce was filed last year, aside from minor adjustments and understanding each other, we've been living peacefully under one roof, and sleeping in the same bed (and having sex). Our children have no idea b/c it's been a non-event. After about 2-3 months of the divorce filing, the pendulum started to swing back to normalcy. At first, she voiced that she still wants me in her life after the divorce. Then her message changed to that we can still live together, but just not married. Then we discussed just dropping the whole thing. I am active duty military and told her that I would retire right away so we could start fresh and plant roots. That resonated with her and we started looking at property and started discussing retirement. It is scary b/c I almost pulled the trigger on purchasing a house and I was weeks away from submitting retirement paperwork. Then all of a sudden 2 weeks ago, we were back to square-1, she confronted me with wanting to finish the divorce and she would be moving out, and taking the kids, in a month. She tried to explain the 180-degree turn; that she has always felt this way in the past year, but she was trying to overcome it and convince herself that she could be happy. The financial impact is astonishing. The spousal and child support requirement is huge. It goes without saying that she gets half of my retirement (which is a tidy sum for life). Even her attorney remarked to her that her support from me is outrageous. And even though she is trying to be nice about the whole divorce, she keeps using the term "entitlement". Her nest will be feathered, and I will be living in a small apartment. I honestly don't know how I am going to work for the many years that I am supposed to support her. I just don't get it. Sadly, I agree with the other posters, there is likely a 3rd party involved. No one just randomly wants out of a good marriage. My marriage was good, 25+ year marriage, then he changed overnight, I know there was a 3rd party involved. Very common. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 Agree (((USmatt101))) I feel there may be a third party as well. I'm so sorry please start digging through phone records and do as the above posters have said: VAR Keylogger GPS Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
puzzleddad67 Posted July 12, 2016 Share Posted July 12, 2016 LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE. They told me they thought there might be another man. I did not think there was another man. Short version: There was. I'm divorced now. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 12, 2016 Share Posted July 12, 2016 Wives do not simply throw away their family to be on their own. But she is not throwing away her family, she is just throwing her husband away, and that is different. Yes, there may be another man, but then again there may not be. I guess "We get along great." is not now how she sees it. OP She appears to be done here whatever the reason. Unless there is a financial gain for you in "proving" she may be cheating, maybe that is one hornet's nest you should not be prodding for your own sanity. Walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Bluesandy Posted July 12, 2016 Share Posted July 12, 2016 (edited) Yep, another man for sure... this dance of I want to stay, i want to go means the other man is married and now decided to leave his wife, so explaining why she wanted that now.... Happened to me overnight as well, same thing with me, 23 years together, apparently happy, never aguments,, 3 kids, and leaving saying she just wanted to live on her own.. Bull****, after a month, I discovered she was dancing for two years with her married boss, and she left when he decided to leave his wife as well. But there is a god justice, the kids decided to stay with me (you can ask for that, it is your family as well), disgussed by what their mother did, I hired a good lawyer, kept the house and most of the things, she was beaten by her boss after 4 months and live alone since, tried to came back but I just throwed her away and now I live with another girl ;-) After 3 years and a half, I must say my life is pretty better than hers.. Courage.. and think she is the one ****ed up in her head, not you... Fight for your sake... your are a soldier.. shouldn't be a problem. She is your enemy now... dont hesitate, she pulled the trigger first... no mercy Edited July 12, 2016 by Bluesandy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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