Friend in need. [wife wants to loan her friend a large sum of money]

[enddeck]

My wife has a friend Ann who has been separated from her husband about eighteen months.This friend only really appeared on the scene at that stage.She and my wife had known each other vaguely for a long time but suddenly it was texting every day and meeting for lunch etc.She was moving in to a new apt and she asked my wife to loan her fifteen hundred to pay the deposit.My wife has not got that much money,for various reasons before we even got married it was agreed that I would look after the finances and pay all bills,holidays renovations etc and she would pay for grocery shopping.She has no access to our saving accounts,no credit cards ,just a debit card for shopping which comes out of her account.I gave my wife the money as I felt sorry for Ann and it was supposed to be paid back within six weeks.She eventually paid it back after making some smart ass comments to me when my wife wasn't there but it took about six months.She never thanked me or even offered to buy me a drink when we were out with her and my wife.

Now the last few weeks Ann has been getting ready to move into her new house(the family house was sold and she got half)but she has been ringing my wife telling her about all these problems with builders,plumbers,painters etc and how she can't afford to pay them.Last night my wife told me she had agreed to loan Ann twenty thousand,I hit the roof and said no way.She then started telling me half our savings were hers and she could do what she wanted with them.Its obvious Ann has been coaching her.I told her she was not getting a cent and she is really angry.My wife is seen as a soft touch by this woman and doesn't realise it.Am I been unreasonable here.

 

edit..The reason I look after our finances is that just before our wedding my wife had to confess that the money she had supposedly in savings was all gone,she had been giving her mother money every week just like when she lived at home even though we had our own house and mortgage at the time.That money was supposed to pay the hotel for the reception and she only told me a couple of hours before it was due.I had to borrow money from my mother otherwise the reception would have been cancelled.This didn't seem to bother her so I let her think we couldn't have the reception and then she finally copped on.

Edited July 8, 2016 by enddeck

[PegNosePete]

She then started telling me half our savings were hers

That is not true. When you marry, finances become a joint pot. That doesn't mean 50/50 each, it means you both (jointly) own all of it.

 

Any loan of that size should require joint consent, meaning that you both agree to it. No you are not being unreasonable by refusing it. Your wife has shown that she is terrible with finances and has nominated you to organise them. It would be the same if the positions were reversed by the way. If your mate wanted to borrow 20k, then you would require your wife's permission. Even though you "look after" the money, it is joint matrimonial property.

 

If you do make a joint decision to lend that amount of money you should see a lawyer and draw up proper documentation including a repayment schedule which is enforceable in court in case Ann decides not to pay you back. It would cost a little in lawyers fees but would be worth its weight in gold. Especially since she has a history of late repayment and ungratefulness. If it were me I would add the lawyers fees onto the repayment amount owed to you.

Edited July 8, 2016 by PegNosePete

[Toodaloo]

What are you a bank?

 

Seriously this "friend" seems to be using your wife a heck of a lot. What is your wife getting out of it?

 

I think you two need to sit down and talk. Properly talk.

 

I really do not think you (as a couple) should loan this "friend" that money. Its just getting more and more then eventually she will do a bunk with it all. Not fair on you or your wife.

 

At the moment you are at logger head with each other so it needs to calm down before you can both be calm about it.

 

Why not ask her quietly about it and talk to her about it. This friend is rude an obnoxious to you behind your wife's back. It suggests a motive for worse to come...

[NTV]

My fear for you is that her friend is probably also coaching her on divorce tactics, once she finds a way to bleed you dry.

This lady is trouble to you marriage, maybe in more ways than one.

 

 

If she cannot afford all the crap with the house she's buying she shouldn't buy it. She's not some helpless lamb here.

I would also recommend being suspicious of your wife. I don't think you would have married an idiot, so it's more than likely she knows the game going on here just as much as anyone. And it sounds like a game of seeing how big of a pushover you are.

 

 

Good luck!

[enddeck]

When I came in from work today Ann and my wife were there.They had a form from my bank requesting a bank transfer from my account to hers.I hit the roof and tore up the form and threw it in their faces.I told my wife to get me proof of her ever saving a cent during our marriage and if she could show me any proof I would match the amount.She has never saved a cent in her life, that was all up to me.I know they had been searching for my account number but hadn't found it.Thankfully I know the manager of the bank and I rang him and asked him not to allow any withdrawls from my account unless I am there in person.He said they would not have got any money without the cashier ringing me anyway.This woman is poison,when her marriage broke up her kids stayed with her husband even when they sold the house.My wife has always been a soft touch though and this parasite is playing on it.I told Ann if she ever comes near my house again I will physically throw her out.My wife is very upset and I told her one more stunt and I will give her the same treatment.

[MightyPen]

OP, I don't think Ann is the (main) problem.

 

You have a BIG marriage problem. I'd suggest counseling. Immediately.

 

Money is the biggest reason for divorce, and you guys are nowhere near on the same page. You can't spend the rest of your live playing "Daddy" to your wife and controlling everything, and she has to learn to make responsible decisions so that you don't have to (understandably) worry about her ruining your joint financial life.

[NTV]

Good job here drawing a line! You may want to look into beneficiary forms too... she does sound like poison, but there may be greater risk than just face value here. Don't forget that if your wife takes on a debt (i.e. credit card) you could be stuck with it. I recommend you find some way to document in writing that you aren't going to participate further with this scam artist woman.

 

 

And I recommend you look into whether your wife may or may not be having a lesbian relationship with her.... the lengths she's going here are preposterous. I cannot accurately describe how this makes your wife's level of intelligence appear without also coming across as insulting. I find it hard to believe anyone could be that naïve. So that leaves conniving.

 

 

Please take measures to legally protect yourself. I know that both these suggestions may sound extreme. But let's be honest here. If you as a couple aren't millionaires or wealthier, the loan of 20 thousand dollars is insane to even consider. Of the middle-income group only parents loan that kinda cash to their kids. Your whole situations sounds dangerous. Maybe even leave a sealed envelope with your estate attorney dictating my suspicions.

 

 

JMHO

[enddeck]

OP, I don't think Ann is the (main) problem.

 

You have a BIG marriage problem. I'd suggest counseling. Immediately.

 

Money is the biggest reason for divorce, and you guys are nowhere near on the same page. You can't spend the rest of your live playing "Daddy" to your wife and controlling everything, and she has to learn to make responsible decisions so that you don't have to (understandably) worry about her ruining your joint financial life.

 

I don't control everything her income pays for groceries and that's it,she does what she wants with the rest of it.All I know is she never has any money by the end of the week and her take home pay is about six hundred euro.

[enddeck]

My fear for you is that her friend is probably also coaching her on divorce tactics, once she finds a way to bleed you dry.

This lady is trouble to you marriage, maybe in more ways than one.

 

 

If she cannot afford all the crap with the house she's buying she shouldn't buy it. She's not some helpless lamb here.

I would also recommend being suspicious of your wife. I don't think you would have married an idiot, so it's more than likely she knows the game going on here just as much as anyone. And it sounds like a game of seeing how big of a pushover you are.

 

 

Good luck!

It doesn't matter what either of them think she will never find out how much money I have.(Trust me on that)She will never be able to prove that she ever contributed to household expenses as she has never had a cheque book or credit card so all her bank statement shows is her spending her wages in various shops.We do not live in the US so,divorce laws are very different.If you have brought nothing financially to a marriage,there are no kids and you never paid towards the house,well, you get nothing!

[Try]

Last night my wife told me she had agreed to loan Ann twenty thousand,I hit the roof and said no way.She then started telling me half our savings were hers and she could do what she wanted with them.

Although in a divorce it may be half hers, while married is is jointly owned and thus requires both to consent. If the loan is made to Ann and she does not repay and files for bankruptcy, under the law the remaining money in your bank account would still be considered to be jointly owned, and your wife would still get 1/2 of that in a divorce, never mind the bad loan to Ann. Thus any loan would in fact be 1/2 from you, no matter what your wife claims.

 

Do not give the loan to Ann. She may not be able to repay it and will start to avoid your wife and even resent you wife for asking for the money back. At the end of the day, your wife will not have a friend or the money.

Edited July 8, 2016 by Try

[Try]

When I came in from work today Ann and my wife were there.They had a form from my bank requesting a bank transfer from my account to hers.

This woman is poison,when her marriage broke up her kids stayed with her husband even when they sold the house.

Has it occurred to you that this toxic friend needing a loan may be nothing more than a false cover story to allow your wife to get this money from you prior to your wife leaving you so that she can move in with her new best friend? Not saying for sure, but this stunt sure makes it start to look like this could be a real possibility.

[enddeck]

No she needs the loan alright.The builder she employed gave her a price for a certain amount of work but Ann had to have a new kitchen,new wardrobes and landscaping on the garden.I know the builder(I am in the electrical trade myself)and he tells me she drove him mad changing her mind all the time.When I say new house I mean new to her,the house is about twenty years built.If she doesn't pay him he will not allow water or gas or electricity to be connected to the house so she is up the creek.She [] thinks he is just going to walk away without his money.By the way this woman has a good job and drives a two year old car.

Edited July 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~6

[NTV]

It doesn't matter what either of them think she will never find out how much money I have.(Trust me on that)She will never be able to prove that she ever contributed to household expenses as she has never had a cheque book or credit card so all her bank statement shows is her spending her wages in various shops.We do not live in the US so,divorce laws are very different.If you have brought nothing financially to a marriage,there are no kids and you never paid towards the house,well, you get nothing!

 

 

 

Dude, I wanna move where you live! lol

[MJJean]

If my husband was found with his friend trying to figure out how to get money out of my bank account, they'd BOTH have been tossed out the door immediately. I might even be nice and open it first. IF he was allowed to come home, I'd make him be responsible for more than just groceries, for a start.

 

You have a financially irresponsible wife with a financially irresponsible friend and they have no problem going behind your back to basically steal money from you. Only a fool would trust his wife after that. Not for a long, long, time.

[enddeck]

If my husband was found with his friend trying to figure out how to get money out of my bank account, they'd BOTH have been tossed out the door immediately. I might even be nice and open it first. IF he was allowed to come home, I'd make him be responsible for more than just groceries, for a start.

 

You have a financially irresponsible wife with a financially irresponsible friend and they have no problem going behind your back to basically steal money from you. Only a fool would trust his wife after that. Not for a long, long, time.

 

I don't trust her any more but it doesn't matter because she can't get at my money and if she wants to leave I'll help her pack

[MJJean]

I don't trust her any more but it doesn't matter because she can't get at my money and if she wants to leave I'll help her pack

 

That's great, but what are you going to do about her financial irresponsibility?

 

Marriages end, people unexpectedly die, some suffer accidents or have medical illness that keep them from work. If your wife can't handle money, where would she be if anything were to ever happen to you?

[enddeck]

That's great, but what are you going to do about her financial irresponsibility?

 

Marriages end, people unexpectedly die, some suffer accidents or have medical illness that keep them from work. If your wife can't handle money, where would she be if anything were to ever happen to you?

 

She would be rich,that's where she would be.

[Alley16]

It seems like your wife's friend is having a hard time and possibly struggling with her new life transition. Your wife has a beautiful heart and is gifted with kindness. Not many folks would simply loan someone they haven’t seen in years 20K. Because she is kind natured open, gentle communication is very important. Her only desire is to help someone in need. You sound like a fine man and a good husband who watches out for the interest of your family. Beware of division or dissention that could rise up in your marriage over this and let nothing divide you. Your wife’s friend could benefit from a support group with women who are going through similar experiences. Encourage your wife to guide her in that direction and share openly with her your concerns. Remember you and your wife are a unit, that is built on love and respect. Ann is struggling with grief and possibly abandonment issues, these are topics that are best worked out with counselors and group support. As far as finances go, you both have an agreed commitment on how those things are worked out or through. When there is a change in agreement, remember gentle communication can avoid sparring.

Here are a few couple references if you are interested in passing them along. Also don’t forget support groups in your area.

 

Boundaries by Dr. John Townsend, Broken Heart on Hold – Surviving Separation by Linda Rooks

Edited July 9, 2016 by Alley16

[enddeck]

It seems like your wife's friend is having a hard time and possibly struggling with her new life transition. Your wife has a beautiful heart and is gifted with kindness. Not many folks would simply loan someone they haven’t seen in years 20K. Because she is kind natured open, gentle communication is very important. Her only desire is to help someone in need. You sound like a fine man and a good husband who watches out for the interest of your family. Beware of division or dissention that could rise up in your marriage over this and let nothing divide you. Your wife’s friend could benefit from a support group with women who are going through similar experiences. Encourage your wife to guide her in that direction and share openly with her your concerns. Remember you and your wife are a unit, that is built on love and respect. Ann is struggling with grief and possibly abandonment issues, these are topics that are best worked out with counselors and group support. As far as finances go, you both have an agreed commitment on how those things are worked out or through. When there is a change in agreement, remember gentle communication can avoid sparring.

Here are a few couple references if you are interested in passing them along. Also don’t forget support groups in your area.

 

Boundaries by Dr. John Townsend, Broken Heart on Hold – Surviving Separation by Linda Rooks

This is a really good post and I'm sure some people will benefit from it.

But not Ann.

I have been making some discreet enquirees about her and it is not a pretty picture.She cheated on her husband numerous times,she sold his car when he was in hospital without him knowing,her ten year old daughter caught her in bed with a neighbour,that was the last straw for her husband and he threw her out.

She is always perfectly dressed,hair and make up immaculate and as I said drives a two year old car.I rung her this morning and suggested she sell her car as she only has about a ten minute walk to work.Her answer was what would my wife think when she tells her I have been calling her,she didn't realise she was on speaker phone and my wife was in the room.I think my wife has realised she was been played for a fool but I am still pissed that she was trying to steal MY money and I have told her I am considering divorce.

If we divorce she will be homeless but I'm sure Ann will rent her a room.

Edited July 9, 2016 by enddeck

[OneLov]

She attempted to steal marital property (because it's as much yours as it is hers). That's not cool. I can't believe she would do something so treacherous just to satisfy her bleeding heart. If she wants to help less fortunate folk (those in dire straits compared to Ann) go to a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. She can hold babies born addicted to crack at the hospital. There's plenty of loving needed in this world that's free.

 

I'd really be interested in why she attempted to fraudulently steal a very large sum of money from your marriage to help a friend? No true friend would encourage her friend to commit a crime and potentially lose her husband for any sum of money.

[Springsummer]

Sir, from your tone of voice and the words you used, I can tell you don't really love and respect your wife.

 

yes, she did wrong and Anne is a despicable woman. but it seems your wife is kind hearted and was played after all. If you really like her, don't you have a bit more tolerance and understanding for her? instead, all you talk about is how she depends on you.

[MJJean]

She would be rich,that's where she would be.

 

Not for long if she doesn't learn to handle money including how to spot a user and a scammer.

[Bufo]

You handle this attempted theft very well. Does your W have a clue why she is so willing to hand this money over to a proven deadbeat? Is she a knight in shining armor? Has she ever seen the construction bills to know that $20000 has any relation to what is owed? Does she understand that any bank mortgage will have priority over this personal loan? Do these things even matter to her?

 

Why does she value Ann's fAvor over the marriage? That is the most puzzling and troubling part of this entire saga to me.

 

I'd consider having her pay part of the living expenses for the household. Whether you divorce or remain married that is a life skill she should have.

[enddeck]

Sir, from your tone of voice and the words you used, I can tell you don't really love and respect your wife.

 

yes, she did wrong and Anne is a despicable woman. but it seems your wife is kind hearted and was played after all. If you really like her, don't you have a bit more tolerance and understanding for her? instead, all you talk about is how she depends on you.

 

Yes reading back it does look like that.I was just so angry at this parasite fooling my wife like that.We had a calm discussion today and it looks like we are going to separate for a while.I want her to realise that she can't expect me to hold her hand financially speaking so I have arranged a three month rental on an apt for her.With the colleges closed there is plenty of available properties.Her name is on the lease so she is responsible for rent,electricity etc.This will give her some idea on budgeting because she really doesn't have a clue.This may seem extreme but the money she has wasted over the last few years is a disgrace.She is terrified at the prospect but it's that or divorce.

Edited July 10, 2016 by enddeck

[enddeck]

Yes reading back it does look like that.I was just so angry at this parasite fooling my wife like that.We had a calm discussion today and it looks like we are going to separate for a while.I want her to realise that she can't expect me to hold her hand financially speaking so I have arranged a three month rental on an apt for her.With the colleges closed there is plenty of available properties.Her name is on the lease so she is responsible for rent,electricity etc.This will give her some idea on budgeting because she really doesn't have a clue.This may seem extreme but the money she has wasted over the last few years is a disgrace.She is terrified at the prospect but it's that or divorce.

Edit..I am talking in the two hundred and fifty grand area of money spent on God knows what.